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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was called rude this morning - AIBU?

409 replies

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 07/12/2021 09:24

Hi everyone,

I had a call on the way to work from a random number - I picked up and it was someone asking if I was XX. I was tired and had a headache and said, "why are you calling so early?" (It was 7:20am). He replied;"I am a recruiter for supply teaching." I replied: "I have a permanent job, please take me off your books." Him: "Honestly. you don't have to be so rude." Me: "I'm tired and you know nothing about my life. Goodbye."

I then thought about the encounter all the way to work (another 30 minutes). Was I horrible? Am I someone who makes society worse with their behaviour? I have always been someone who smiles and is "nice" but sometimes it doesn't get me too far - particularly with men. Men still expect me to move out of the way, be a certain type of kind etc. and I sometimes have had enough. I do think I am angry and exhausted and my attempts to assert myself might come across as rude.

While I write this, I can't help thinking - would I even be questioning any of my behaviour if I was a man? Or even just a different woman?

Anyway - sorry for the thought ramble. I feel bad and then feel bad for feeling bad!

Thank you for your time XX

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 07/12/2021 11:26

@DrManhattan

Yeah you were rude af
Go on.... explain it, in detail. How, precisely, was OP rude, AF or otherwise?
BringMeTea · 07/12/2021 11:26

You were NOT rude and I doubt very much he would have given out to a man. Same old shit. Not you. Him.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/12/2021 11:27

So many handmaidens on this thread! You certainly weren’t rude.
Your last statement was in response to him chastising you for being ‘rude’ and he absolutely deserved it.

Men always expect women to fall all over themselves and be gracious and extra polite. They pride themselves on being blunt and factual as opposed to women’s ‘long and meandering’ communication styles.
But a WOMAN say something like it is without any softeners and their little heads immediately explode.

I don’t think a wrong number has anything to do with it. All you said was please take me off your books. How is that rude? You even said please.

muddyford · 07/12/2021 11:28

You didn't ask him to call. He was a random bloke. Even though I am up shortly after 6.00 a.m. every day, I would be very hacked off being rung at 7.20. I have stopped being polite to these sort of callers. Not rude (I don't think you were either) but ending it asap and not apologising, but being, what would be called if we were men, assertive. Establishing boundaries, to use a MN phrase.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/12/2021 11:29

I never really understand people who are unnecessarily rude and attempt to dress it up as assertiveness.

It's not assertiveness. The most respected, assertive people I know would not be rude to a random person who had the misfortune to ring a wrong number.

'You have the wrong number' or 'who is this please?' are both polite, assertive responses without making someone else's day worse.

'Why are you ringing so early?' is an odd response because surely people don't switch their phone on until they're happy to take calls. You are also able to ignore unfamiliar numbers.

Fernando072020 · 07/12/2021 11:29

You were rude. You also know nothing about his life. Poor guy was just doing his job

CounsellorTroi · 07/12/2021 11:30

@AngelonTopoftheTree

I don't think you were rude at all, you said I have a permanent job, please take me off your list - what's rude about that?
I don’t think that was rude either. The man could simply have said Ok I’ll just update my records rather than saying she was rude.
TractorAndHeadphones · 07/12/2021 11:30

@BringMeTea

You were NOT rude and I doubt very much he would have given out to a man. Same old shit. Not you. Him.
Exactly. Maybe because I’m a woman in a profession know for undiplomatic men but they get away with shit I get called out for. I’m as technically good at any of them but expected to babysit people’s feelings.

At my current job I can act just like the men and nobody cares which is amazing

Branleuse · 07/12/2021 11:30

Youre overthinking it. If you call people unsolicited at 7am then sometimes youre going to get tired grumpy responses. You asked him to take you off their list. He was rude himself to not then apologise and end the call

PinkWednesdays · 07/12/2021 11:30

It’s just a pure coincidence that you’re a teacher and this person called you looking for a supply teacher…but yes, wrong number of course.

daisypond · 07/12/2021 11:30

I’m baffled why anyone thinks the OP was not rude. She clearly was. Her first words -“why are you calling so early?” In what world would that be an acceptable first interaction with a stranger? It’s the sort of thing a toddler says who doesn’t know any social cues. No hello or how are you? Forget the later bits of the conversation, where it gets exacerbated.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/12/2021 11:31

" "I'm tired and you know nothing about my life. Goodbye." "

This is quite comical, not assertive. He'll be repeating that to colleagues.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/12/2021 11:32

@Fernando072020

You were rude. You also know nothing about his life. Poor guy was just doing his job
this statement was made in response to him chastising her for being rude - like a child.
5keletor · 07/12/2021 11:33

Nothing to do with gender, you were rude. "You know nothing about my life" was an odd thing to say, I'd probably laugh if someone said that to me. Confused

Heidipi · 07/12/2021 11:33

I've had several sales calls at work from the same guy. The first time I asked him to email some info and said we would get back to him if interested. The next time I said I had forwarded it to a colleague, I would talk to them (all true) and get back to him if interested. The next time I said I thought it was unlikely that we were interested and we would reply if we were (true, it wasn't a definite no at that stage but I didn't want him to keep calling). The next time I said the same, and there was no need to call again. He said I was wasting his time! At that point I decided we would definitely not be going ahead.

Atemyhat · 07/12/2021 11:33

I think you were rude and I don’t think it has anything to do with being a man or a woman. Just speak as you’d like to be spoken to.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 07/12/2021 11:34

I think OP has made it up because this thread didn’t go how she wanted.

OP, if you want a thread about men being patronising to women, then you could have created that. But instead you created one about your behaviour and have clearly backtracked.

Also.. you don't know anything about HIS life either. So how is it ok for you to be rude but not him? If this is true - and I'm not so sure considering the drip drip drip - then you were both having a shit start to the day and managed to both take it out on what is essentially a random stranger.

daisychain01 · 07/12/2021 11:34

The recruiter had just as much right to express their opinion as the OP. Maybe "snappy" is a better descriptor.

If the tables were turned and it was a female recruiter going about their job by ringing someone out of hours, which is what recruiters have to do, and being snapped at, everyone would be saying typical arrogant bloke being rude and dismissive of you when you were oooooonly doing your job.

Trouble is it has become fashionable to treat men as The Enemy.. The OP sounds like she's pissed off with men in general and the person got the sharp end of her pointy shoe.

RedWingBoots · 07/12/2021 11:36

I deal with recruitment agencies all the time.

Lots of the staff don't bother reading your CV before they call so call with inappropriate jobs and/or early, late, at weekends and on bank holidays including Boxing Day.

Some repeatedly call after I tell them politely that I'm not what they are looking for.

Others email me and I politely tell them that I am not what they are looking for. A week later I get exactly the same email.

I therefore don't think you are rude.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/12/2021 11:36

@daisypond

I’m baffled why anyone thinks the OP was not rude. She clearly was. Her first words -“why are you calling so early?” In what world would that be an acceptable first interaction with a stranger? It’s the sort of thing a toddler says who doesn’t know any social cues. No hello or how are you? Forget the later bits of the conversation, where it gets exacerbated.
It’s not the most pleasant response but neither is it rude. If you’re rushing about in the morning and someone unknown calls at an unearthly hour it’s not wrong to ask why.

Also it was a response to someone asking if she was XX presumably she’d already said hello oaks that’s the first thing you say when people pick up the phone.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 07/12/2021 11:38

I am pretty terse with random calls from recruiters. At 7.20 yanbu.

Macmickmoo · 07/12/2021 11:38

I don't think you were rude - salespeople can be very pushy, I never enter into conversations with them other than to say, I'm not interested please remove me from your list and do not call me again.

Recruiters can make double-glazing salespeople look good!

DrManhattan · 07/12/2021 11:41

@HoardingSamphireSaurus
He's a guy doing his job. He has to call early. Don't answer if you can't be polite. Imo it's rude, it's not in yours, that's all.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/12/2021 11:41

@daisychain01

The recruiter had just as much right to express their opinion as the OP. Maybe "snappy" is a better descriptor.

If the tables were turned and it was a female recruiter going about their job by ringing someone out of hours, which is what recruiters have to do, and being snapped at, everyone would be saying typical arrogant bloke being rude and dismissive of you when you were oooooonly doing your job.

Trouble is it has become fashionable to treat men as The Enemy.. The OP sounds like she's pissed off with men in general and the person got the sharp end of her pointy shoe.

Honestly as a former customer service agent ( and still deal with customers) - if this is what ‘rude’ means they probably need another job.

You can’t expect people to be polite 100% of the time. A bit of snappiness, etc is to be expected and I just assume the person’s having a bad time and cut them some slack.

Now, abusive customers - those who swear, want to complain to the manager unecessarily, make threats , yell etc etc. Those are being rude and really unpleasant.

But this? It’s not. And to tell someone that they’re rude just because they weren’t overly polite is unprofessional.

silverbubbles · 07/12/2021 11:41

Forget all this man / woman nonsense - you simply sound like a rude person to me.

If you are a supply teacher and you are on the agencies books then you should be pleased that they called you. If you have work then get them to update their system so they don't call you so much.

If I was that recruiter you would not be at the top of my list next time I was looking for staff. I bet you would be reacting differently if you were scrabbling round for work.....

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