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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I was called rude this morning - AIBU?

409 replies

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 07/12/2021 09:24

Hi everyone,

I had a call on the way to work from a random number - I picked up and it was someone asking if I was XX. I was tired and had a headache and said, "why are you calling so early?" (It was 7:20am). He replied;"I am a recruiter for supply teaching." I replied: "I have a permanent job, please take me off your books." Him: "Honestly. you don't have to be so rude." Me: "I'm tired and you know nothing about my life. Goodbye."

I then thought about the encounter all the way to work (another 30 minutes). Was I horrible? Am I someone who makes society worse with their behaviour? I have always been someone who smiles and is "nice" but sometimes it doesn't get me too far - particularly with men. Men still expect me to move out of the way, be a certain type of kind etc. and I sometimes have had enough. I do think I am angry and exhausted and my attempts to assert myself might come across as rude.

While I write this, I can't help thinking - would I even be questioning any of my behaviour if I was a man? Or even just a different woman?

Anyway - sorry for the thought ramble. I feel bad and then feel bad for feeling bad!

Thank you for your time XX

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 07/12/2021 13:01

@LolaLouLou

I don't think you were being rude, you were being factual. I think he was being rude for asking why you were being rude.

I can bet your bottom dollar that he wouldn't have made the same comment to a man.

I hope your headache gets better and your day improves.

I also don't think it was rude. Just a straightforward request.

For those thinking it's rude, how? What is rude about "I have a permanent job, please take me off your books."?

And I'm discounting her comment after he accused her of being rude.

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 13:04

@Werehamster

She didn't actually tell him it was a wrong number though, did she?

I think you were really rude. You have no idea what is going on in his life either.

A simple "Sorry, wrong number" is all you needed.

He would have worked that out when she didn’t have a clue who he was or who he was wanting to speak to.

And if he didn’t then he was a cold caller and shouldn’t be calling people at 7.20.

TractorAndHeadphones · 07/12/2021 13:06

@skrtxao

Before the caller says that you are being rude, you only asked why he was calling so early and asked him "please" to take him off their books, so I don't see that anything you say up to that point was rude. He probably felt the tone was not amicable and that was made him say you were being rude, but in my opinion, I don't think anyone can demand a specific tone from other people (given you are not screaming to them) as long as the words used are correct (i.e. not rude and polite). He calling you rude escalated things so, to me, he was the first one to be rude. If he would just have said "That's fine, I will take you off our books, sorry for the early call", I don't think anyone would see any rudeness in that interaction (at least as it was described).
👏🏽
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/12/2021 13:06

I don't think it sounds as if you were rude, @Dinosaurhearmeroar. Women are expected to be nice, polite and gentle, so when a woman draws firm boundaries, men often perceive that as rudeness. I suspect he would not have responded to a man the way he responded to you.

PinkTonic · 07/12/2021 13:06

I think the essence of the question was would he have said that to another man. He wouldn’t.

Quite honestly OP he called you at an unreasonable time for something wholly unrelated to you. The only appropriate response from him was a sincere apology.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/12/2021 13:08

You weren't particularly rude because you were coming at it from your point of view. To you he was just some random having dialled the wrong number early in the morning, they should have checked more thoroughly that they've got basic details like that right. What if you HAD been signed up to a supply agency (even if not that one), and as you hadn't heard it clearly, gone off to a random school for the day's supply!

It sounds like crossed wires, though. From his point of view, maybe he did think that you were the person he asked for and s just being short with him, and hadn't let them know you no longer require their services.. Which would have been rude.

It's just a miscommunication.

Macmickmoo · 07/12/2021 13:09

The way I see it - the recruiter was being rude by calling at 7:20am - totally unsociable time to call - he was called out on it and then he passive-aggressively accused the OP of being rude, this is so typical of telephone sales now. He could have sent a text to arrange a suitable time to speak but he decided to call someone at an unsociable hour - if the OP was rude (and I don't think she was - he bloody well deserved it!

fakereview · 07/12/2021 13:10

What is rude about "I have a permanent job, please take me off your books

I was also wondering what is rude about this?

Last week I had someone who was rude. They phoned me, told me they were from an energy savings company and when I said "I'm not interested, thank you" they continued to speak. I said I wasn't interested again and they carried on. Now that's rude! It wasn't a recorded message - they (he) just felt the need to talk over the top of me. Who trains these people?

Werehamster · 07/12/2021 13:11

He would have worked that out when she didn’t have a clue who he was or who he was wanting to speak to.

Maybe I misunderstood, but I read the conversation as:

Him: Hello, is this xxx?

Her: Why are you calling so early?

Him: I am a recruiter for supply teaching.

Her: I have a permanent job, please take me off your books.

Him: Honestly. you don't have to be so rude.

How would he know that she wasn't xxx? I assume that xxx signed up to be a supply teacher, so he was just doing his job. The OP did come across as short and grumpy with him (understandable as she was tired), but that's not his fault.

He obviously found her rude, but it's over with so why does it matter?

daisypond · 07/12/2021 13:12

The rude bit is the OP saying straight off the bat, not even saying hello or anything, “Why are you calling so early?”

furbabymama87 · 07/12/2021 13:17

Maybe you were a bit rude but I've acted the same way with unwanted phone calls at times, especially when they call repeatedly.I It was not his place to call out your rudeness. He should have apologised and ended the call, rather than start tit for tat. He's paid to do a job, part of that is dealing with awkward calls.

Raspberriesbananas · 07/12/2021 13:18

Yes you were rude.

Him being a man is not relevant in this situation.

You signed up to the agency, you didn't tell them you found a permanent job.

LizzieW1969 · 07/12/2021 13:19

She hadn’t signed up! She’s had a permanent job for the last 7 years!!

How many times will posters keep repeating this??

Gwrach · 07/12/2021 13:20

You were curt and abrupt, which some people take as being rude.

Anyway it's done now, and hopefully you never have to use that agency again in future because I can imagine a mark has been placed against your name.

ReallyRatherBlonde · 07/12/2021 13:22

I don't think you were rude at all, you were just updating him. You've got a permanent job so take me off he list, just factual. Not gushing but why would it need to be?

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 07/12/2021 13:23

He doesn't have her name, she didn't tell him. And he shouldn't have her phone number either.

It was his error!

Offmyfence · 07/12/2021 13:25

This sounds total nonsense, why would you say take me off your books when you're not on anyone's books?

And you were rude.

godmum56 · 07/12/2021 13:25

@fakereview

What is rude about "I have a permanent job, please take me off your books

I was also wondering what is rude about this?

Last week I had someone who was rude. They phoned me, told me they were from an energy savings company and when I said "I'm not interested, thank you" they continued to speak. I said I wasn't interested again and they carried on. Now that's rude! It wasn't a recorded message - they (he) just felt the need to talk over the top of me. Who trains these people?

I can top that. I had an energy cold call and said (fairly politely) "thank you I am not interested goodbye" and put the phone down. He rang back and said "I hadn't finished" CFery at its finest
LizzieW1969 · 07/12/2021 13:26

I’ve also had a re-read of the OP. She says from the start that it was a cold call. Nowhere does she say that she’d signed up with that agency, it’s just that posters assumed that she was because she asked the man to remove her name from the list.

So, as I see it, it wasn’t really a drip feed, just a clarification when she realised that posters had got the wrong end of the stick.

RoomOfRequirement · 07/12/2021 13:29

I just don't understand this. Surely 7.20am isn't early at all from a supply teacher agency? That's when they'll be calling offering jobs for the day.

So they thought they were speaking to a person in their agency, because you affirmed you were that person.

It was a wrong number - hardly crime of the century! Plus you were already up and awake enough to be driving!

It just doesn't add up.

tallduckandhandsome · 07/12/2021 13:30

@Werehamster

He would have worked that out when she didn’t have a clue who he was or who he was wanting to speak to.

Maybe I misunderstood, but I read the conversation as:

Him: Hello, is this xxx?

Her: Why are you calling so early?

Him: I am a recruiter for supply teaching.

Her: I have a permanent job, please take me off your books.

Him: Honestly. you don't have to be so rude.

How would he know that she wasn't xxx? I assume that xxx signed up to be a supply teacher, so he was just doing his job. The OP did come across as short and grumpy with him (understandable as she was tired), but that's not his fault.

He obviously found her rude, but it's over with so why does it matter?

If she was x, he would have recognised her.

As it is, from his response, it shows he was a cold caller. Otherwise he'd have said 'are you not x?'.

So OP was not rude.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 07/12/2021 13:30

I think the essence of the question was would he have said that to another man. He wouldn’t

How could you possibly know what a random man on the phone would say to another man? Stop with the sexist stereotype.

I've heard men picking each other up on stuff left right and centre if they weren't happy with the response!

You see posts on her with women complaining about being spoken to like they're 'one of the boys' all the time. But seeing as some of you think men speak impeccably polite to each other all the time I guess what you'd say to someone posting that would be along the lines of be grateful he's not talking to you like you're a woman Confused

Strange thread. OPs initial response to his call was weird and it went downhill from there.

Werehamster · 07/12/2021 13:39

If she was x, he would have recognised her.

As it is, from his response, it shows he was a cold caller. Otherwise he'd have said 'are you not x?'.

So OP was not rude.

Well, not necessarily at all. It read to me that xxx had signed up to the agency so he was making contact. He was probably quite confused that xxx was being so rude when she was the one who had applied for a position there.

Why on Earth would a recruiter for supply teachers be cold calling people? It makes no sense whatsoever.

Frazzledmummy123 · 07/12/2021 13:43

To me it sounds like it was caused by a misunderstanding on both parts. You answered the phone with a grumpy tone because it was so early and you had a headache, and he might be a hyper sensitive type of person who reacts too quickly to an angry tone of voice. I could see my husband doing that.

Let it go now and try not to dwell on it. I've snapped at people on the phone and then it has played over in my mind for the rest of the day. It won't matter in a few weeks, or even a few days, time.

DillonPanthersTexas · 07/12/2021 13:43

I'm a freelance contractor, sadly my CV has made its way onto the books of various agencies without my permission so I get loads of calls. Sometimes the tone of these agents is quite aggressive and curt which does rile me when it is them cold calling me without even bothering to introduce themselves. The agent in the OPs situation is in the wrong industry if he feels her response is 'rude'