To doubt parents who say baby crying for one minute is cruel

[LoathlyLady]

Just read a few posts about sleep and frankly don’t believe some of the responses. People saying that leaving a 12 month old to cry for very short periods (1-5 mins) is cruel and they could never do it.. really??

Ofcourse I find it horrible to listen to my 1yo son get upset but there are times when I simply can’t go to him immediately (car seat!) and recently we’ve found that letting him cry for 3 mins or so at bedtime rather than feeding to sleep seems to help with his overall sleep and mood. Are these people really saying that they never let their baby cry for more than a few seconds? Or is this just bullshit to make other mums feel terrible?

Everyone has different tolerance levels. I find it awful if I can’t pick up my 16m old when he cries in the car, but there’s not much I can do about it. It does make me feel like I want to peel my skin off though, so if he cries at home I have to pick him up! Everyone is able to withstand different things and it’s also to do with how your able to frame it. I’m sure at 12m a couple of minutes isn’t going to kill him, especially if he sleeps.

I don't think the intention is to make other mums feel bad, but rather to make themselves feel better. My baby doesn't cry for long so I must be doing a good job sort of thing. You find what works for your babybut frankly anyone that could stop DD crying in under a minute when she was newborn would be a bloody miracle worker

I’m not trying to make other mums feel bad, but I’ve never left my child to cry. If they cry I go to them asap.

I was always a heartless cow about this when it happened , though I was lucky mine weren't big criers. I had to do it when DD was tiny to get her to settle in a cot after waking in the night, as we were both a bit worried about her being in bed with us (she'd go down for the night in cot, but only seemed to settle again on DH's chest!); it really wasn't that bad, she got it after short bouts of crying for two nights.

Some people do have different tolerances. Some people are frankly martyrs but see not allowing any crying at all as being a good parent.

@Skysblue

I’m not trying to make other mums feel bad, but I’ve never left my child to cry. If they cry I go to them asap.

So you've never done a long motorway journey with them? And do you only have one child? I've let my baby cry when my toddler was also crying...

I didn't like leaving mine to cry ever (it was almost like torture when they did in the car and you couldn't comfort. Like a physical reaction. )

As for sleep training. For many it is far longer than " a minute" so if that's what you're referencing then that's because for many people it seems cruel to leave them to cry repeatedly for 5-10 mins at a time!

I tended to comfort on demand and feed on demand and do think it was the right thing in my case. Not that they never cried, but if it was possible to I comforted them.

Our neighbours seem to let their kids cry for ages. It's almost like they don't comfort on principle. And I know some routine-led families will let their babies cry for a while before feeding at the right time. That is the other extreme and I don't get that.

I never left mine to cry.
I tried a couple of time to do something - think it was called “No Cry Sleep Solution”?
Reasonable premise - don’t rush to settle them when they’re just grumbling. Only mind didn’t grumble or fussy, but went straight into, “waaaaaash!”
So I went straight back to her.
I had fuck all sleep for the first year, and interrupted sleep after that. She would feed to sleep. It suited me as a parent.
She had not a single wobble starting nursery, was confident for sleepovers, and at her current 14 is far too busy to even say goodnight 🤣
So I never did see the rod I was supposedly making for my own back 🤷🏻‍♀️

At the same time, my sister Gina Forded her son and left him to cry a lot.

They’re both happy, loving, confident children.

So yeah - some mums don’t ever leave their child to cry, but please know that we’re not judging those who do.

I mean yeah, I’ve never actively left my 1.5yo to cry when I could be soothing him. He’s never cried himself to sleep at night.

But, it literally doesn’t matter. It’s just my preference. Your preference is equally valid. Nobody is incorrect. You shouldn’t be called cruel and likewise, I shouldn’t be called a martyr. We’re all just doing what’s best for us.

Everyone is different, but I would physically feel horrible and like my heart was breaking a bit when DD cried. It was like a physical thing that I wanted to get to her as soon as possible.

However, she had a terrible sleep regression and we did controlled crying and it was horrific but much better for everyone long term

I wouldn’t judge people either way. I only judge people who judge people for their choices

When people say this I wonder what they do when they have 2 DC or more. It’s not fair on my older DD to always abandon what I’m doing with her to go to DS when I know nothing is really wrong. Sure it doesn’t feel great but then neither does leaving her feeling second best all the time.

I do think it’s quite sad that instead of just asking whether this was true for anyone, you had to add in that it might be bullshit and said with the intention of making others feel bad. Maybe consider that if you don’t want to be judged, don’t judge others? The mums who choose not to leave their child to cry (and are able: second children or twins etc make it not your choice!) aren’t doing it to get at you. We’re all just parenting the way we want to or think our child needs us to.

Totally agree that people have different tolerance and preferences, and skysblue I always thought I would be like you but there are times and situations where it’s not so dimple.

I’m more curious about the people who say it’s cruel to leave them for a minute or two (or five).. are they for real or is it basically trolling?

I don’t drive but I’ve just taken my twelve week old son on a train journey to see my dad, for various reasons we stayed in a Premier Inn for three nights.

Out of necessity, I had no choice but to leave him crying laying in the travel cot for a bit because I’m one pair of hands and he wasn’t napping. How else was I supposed to pack up, get dressed and sort bottles etc 😂 I did manage to shower while he was asleep.

IF I can go to him, pick him up and comfort him straight away though, I do, every time. So no, through choice I wouldn’t leave him to cry for a few seconds if I didn’t need to.

It's definitely something smug parents say but I'm not sure why. I never saw crying as a terrible thing that had to be stopped straight away, sometimes baby's cry because they're over tired and they want to be left alone.

Obviously I wouldn't leave a baby to cry for the sake of it but sometimes baby's just cry 🤷‍♀️ maybe my view had to be more pragmatic as I did have a crier and I'm a single parent! I'd of starved to death if I responded to every cry straight away.

I don’t think I have gone on a thread and told a parent that leaving their baby to cry is cruel but I don’t as a matter of course leave my babies to cry it out. There have been occasions when they have cried in the car but I have always tried to comfort them as much as I can. I did attempt controlled crying with my firstborn and the whole experience was distressing for the both of us so I haven’t attempted it again with my youngest ones. If they wake and are grizzling rather than actual upset crying then I will wait a minute or so to see if they settle themselves back to sleep but I would never leave them to cry if they sounded/looked distressed without attempting to comfort them in some way.

When people say this I wonder what they do when they have 2 DC or more

I have 2. You have to prioritise the need - usually it’s the baby. Sometimes eg if eldest one falls over its them and then your mind is ok to leave the little one for a bit. But I spend the first 6 months essentially carrying/feeding/holding/strapping baby into a sling so he was always on me anyway. And for times when I HAD to put him down I would try to minimise his upset eg the cot mobile or singing whilst getting eldest out of the bath.

@Cocomarine

I do think it’s quite sad that instead of just asking whether this was true for anyone, you had to add in that it might be bullshit and said with the intention of making others feel bad. Maybe consider that if you don’t want to be judged, don’t judge others? The mums who choose not to leave their child to cry (and are able: second children or twins etc make it not your choice!) aren’t doing it to get at you. We’re all just parenting the way we want to or think our child needs us to.

Im not talking about people’s personal preferences, obviously that’s not offensive, I’m talking about people accusing others of being cruel, which I just find baffling

Some people do have different tolerances. Some people are frankly martyrs but see not allowing any crying at all as being a good parent
" Martyrs"?

Horses for courses - DS1 was so overtired by the time we did controlled crying at 13 months that he didn’t want me anywhere near him, even when I went in to soothe him.
It was cruller to have him wake multiple times every 90 minutes at night unable to self soothe, than it was leaving him to cry in slightly longer increments.

Ds2 was a different kettle of fish and only want to fall asleep in my arms whilst staring into my eyes and holding my face. Leaving him to cry tore my heart apart because he just wanted to be cuddled.

It totally depends on the baby you have and how you feel about the crying. As tiny babies mine weren’t big criers generally, maybe grizzled for a feed but no prolonged yells. I also knew their different cries. “Hungry”, “don’t leave me”, “fuck off mum I just want to sleep”, “teething”, “hurt” etc etc. Some I would leave for a few minutes, others I didn’t.

To be fair to DS, crying is the last stage of his upset, he moans and groans a lot before the crying starts up, so it doesn’t usually need to get to that point.

Oh! Totally missed that. I’d never dream of calling another parent cruel for letting their baby cry.

Unless you’re a parent to that baby, you have no right to comment.

@LoathlyLady

Totally agree that people have different tolerance and preferences, and skysblue I always thought I would be like you but there are times and situations where it’s not so dimple.

I’m more curious about the people who say it’s cruel to leave them for a minute or two (or five).. are they for real or is it basically trolling?

They are probably for real. Their opinion is it’s cruel. That’s the crucial word. There have been no large, randomised controlled trials that either prove, or disprove, that sleep training damages children (as, for a start, that isn’t measurable end point). There never will be, so all we have is people’s opinions, which quite often get confused with facts.

Twin mum here, and cruel or not crying for several minutes is not unusual if you have twins. You might be cleaning a poonami or bathing the other baby and just unable to leave what you are doing!

In my view whether its cruel depends on the cry. I think all our babies have certain cries where you'd drop (almost) everything and run to them, and other cries where you can tell its more just complaining and it's no bg deal to leave them a few minutes.

@LoathlyLady I think each baby is different. When I tried controlled crying with my first leaving him to cry for 5 minutes did feel really cruel. So I suspect the parents who say it is cruel have children like my first born who become very distressed very quickly if left alone, children who have extreme separation anxiety, so to them it does feel cruel. I think my middle child would have reacted the same to controlled crying. My youngest is much more robust and never had much separation anxiety, I imagine parents who think other parents are being precious or martyrs for not leaving their children to cry it out have children like my youngest.

Solidarity shout out to all the PPs who can’t handle the car seat crying. I honestly break out in a sweat with the effort of staying calm while baby wails in the back. It really is a physical response.