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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To doubt parents who say baby crying for one minute is cruel

130 replies

LoathlyLady · 06/12/2021 20:41

Just read a few posts about sleep and frankly don’t believe some of the responses. People saying that leaving a 12 month old to cry for very short periods (1-5 mins) is cruel and they could never do it.. really??

Ofcourse I find it horrible to listen to my 1yo son get upset but there are times when I simply can’t go to him immediately (car seat!) and recently we’ve found that letting him cry for 3 mins or so at bedtime rather than feeding to sleep seems to help with his overall sleep and mood. Are these people really saying that they never let their baby cry for more than a few seconds? Or is this just bullshit to make other mums feel terrible?

OP posts:

MrsMiddleMother · 06/12/2021 21:40

Think*

NorthSouthcatlady · 06/12/2021 21:42

@MrsMiddleMother exactly, you can’t exactly just stay within a 3 mile radius of your house for a few years. Just because your child doesn’t like the car

PinkAndPurpleClouds · 06/12/2021 21:43

Nothing wrong with leaving them crying for 4 or 5 minutes.

Parents running off instantly to a crying baby, and being there within 10 seconds of their baby starting to cry, are making a rod for their own back.

And of course the 'I would never leave my child crying, therefore I am a better parent than you' posters are out in force. Didn't take long for them to appear.

Original poster

LoathlyLady · 06/12/2021 21:43

Surprised by all the posters who felt like this question was having a pop at a certain parenting style, it’s really not - nothing but respect for anyone raising a child and doing what they need to do to get by.

What is amazing to me is people going online to say another person is cruel for letting a baby cry for a couple minutes, when in my experience this seems like an inevitable part of parenting at some point or other.

@Chasingaftermidnight I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. If it’s not cruel to let them cry for a couple minutes while you pee or find a place to feed them, why is it cruel to let them cry for a couple minutes at night? No loving parent would do it if they didn’t feel it was the only choice.

OP posts:

WoodenReindeer · 06/12/2021 21:46

Sleep training is rarely " a couple of minutes" though is it?

I think some sleep training is cruel tbh.

3WildOnes · 06/12/2021 21:46

@NorthSouthcatlady I think that is a pretty miserable way to look at childhood and life in general. I definitely wouldn’t say my life is constant discomfort, it’s pretty comfortable most. When I do have moments of sadness my husband, family and friends are all pretty good at conforming me.

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 06/12/2021 21:47

I think it depends on the child.

DC1 was a cry til he stopped breathing child. Numerous emergency stops on the hard shoulder to blow on his face and cuddle him until we could continue for him to do it again. So 1-5 minutes of crying were pointless as he just wouldn't stop.

DC2 used to cry for about 90seconds and put herself to sleep. But it was very, very different cry to DC1 more of a moan, not the high pitched alarming noise he made.

cabingirl · 06/12/2021 21:48

[quote 3WildOnes]@LoathlyLady I think each baby is different. When I tried controlled crying with my first leaving him to cry for 5 minutes did feel really cruel. So I suspect the parents who say it is cruel have children like my first born who become very distressed very quickly if left alone, children who have extreme separation anxiety, so to them it does feel cruel. I think my middle child would have reacted the same to controlled crying. My youngest is much more robust and never had much separation anxiety, I imagine parents who think other parents are being precious or martyrs for not leaving their children to cry it out have children like my youngest.[/quote]
I agree - we tried controlled crying with my DD but it didn't work for her at all. She could get to completely hysterical in minutes.

She was the most flexible, easy-going baby apart from this so we just sucked it up and took the other wins.

AliceW89 · 06/12/2021 21:50

*Surprised by all the posters who felt like this question was having a pop at a certain parenting style, it’s really not - nothing but respect for anyone raising a child and doing what they need to do to get by.

There is an equally large number of people who go online calling parents who are more responsive martyrs or panderers or that their children will turn out as spoilt brats. I’m sure you didn’t mean to, but this is why your initial post looked like a pop at a certain parenting type - it works both ways.

3WildOnes · 06/12/2021 21:53

When you leave a baby to cry for a minute whilst you pee once you return you would pick your baby up and comfort them. When you are sleep training your baby with cc or cio you aren’t going in and comforting them after a minute, you are just leaving again. I think that is the difference.

Hankunamatata · 06/12/2021 21:55

Yeah its not cruel. Turning point was me stuck in toilet (poorly) had put dc down, couldn't get to him and less than 5 mins he was asleep. Turns out he grumbled to sleep every time. Still is a totally noisy sleeper in his teens!

luinagreine · 06/12/2021 21:59

@Skysblue

I’m not trying to make other mums feel bad, but I’ve never left my child to cry. If they cry I go to them asap.

Same. It just wasn't the way I chose to parent. I well passed that stage now but never cared how others chose to parent, it just isn't that interesting.

pregnantncnc · 06/12/2021 21:59

I have no issue with my son crying. It is a healthy way for him to express his wants and needs to me and I never try to stop him from crying. Crying itself isn't bad at all.

I'd never ignore his crying, though (aka, the at bedtime before sleep or carseat one). I'd be with him as quickly and as much as I could in the moment. If driving, I'd talk or sing to him and explain where we were going etc and why, but I wouldn't just ignore the fact that he's crying unless I absolutely had to (if we were driving somewhere dangerous where I really had to concentrate and block out the noise to keep us safe, like if it was very icy on the roads for instance). At bedtime, I'd just go to him - although I usually go for a wee first as my pelvic floor isn't as strong as it used to be and I never know how long I'll be in there!

FWIW I don't think it is cruel or child abuse or any of the things I've heard other people say, it just feels very unnatural to me to ignore a clear sign of upset (and I try to listen to my intuition) so I don't do it.

HeyDugeesCakeBadge · 06/12/2021 22:01

I didn't drive when my children were babies and Co slept a lot of the time so they didn't need to cry for any period of time. Leaving a distressed baby to cry for 5 minutes when you can get to them is pretty cruel. There are different levels of crying though - grumpy, annoyed, hungry etc. A distressed cry is very different and I would never let my baby cry like that without comfort if I had the choice.

PrtScn · 06/12/2021 22:02

I can’t leave my son to cry as he gets distressed to the point he deliberately hurts himself (used to bang his face against his cot when he was a baby, now he kicks the wall) or vomits. I also can’t cope with crying, it stresses me out. Which was not good for my mental health as he had colic and would constantly cry, I couldn’t even put him down to go for a wee without him screaming his head off. So I think it was cruel to me to let him cry .

littleowls83 · 06/12/2021 22:02

I did controlled crying with eldest at 13 months. All of the gentle comforting techniques just wound him up and left him more annoyed. The only thing that worked was leaving him alone to calm down.

Youngest is a completely different character and the no cry type techniques worked on him.

User14273895 · 06/12/2021 22:03

I don’t think you should feel terrible for leaving your baby to cry for a couple of minutes, but it’s also not bullshit that some parents don’t do that. I’ve never left my daughter to cry when I have the option to go and soothe her. It’s just my preference - I don’t think there is a right or wrong way.

FTEngineerM · 06/12/2021 22:05

Depends on the child too.

DS1 only ever cried if it was a tragedy so we were much more ‘on it’, also we had all the time in the world.

DS2 cries all the fucking time, he just hates life. I leave him cry a lot more than DS2 just because it doesn’t even matter, he cries after I’ve picked him up.

So sometimes he cries whilst I eat/shower/shit/sort out DS1 or whatever..

When it comes to sleep… DS1 slept infinitely better when I let him cry a few minutes before settling himself. 1-5 minutes max depending on how overtired he was.

daisydoh · 06/12/2021 22:06

Is it not what makes children spoilt? To know when they cry someone comes to them immediately? Isn't there surely a balance!?

cabingirl · 06/12/2021 22:08

@daisydoh

Is it not what makes children spoilt? To know when they cry someone comes to them immediately? Isn't there surely a balance!?

No - letting a baby (who has no other means of communicating) know that when they are in distress that someone will come does not make children spoilt.

Hoesbeforebroes · 06/12/2021 22:09

@Wondergirl100

I really can't bear the smug tediousness of people who say that a baby crying is cruel - babies cry - I did 'controlled crying ' ie. didn't pick the baby up the moment they cried from about 8 months because I was sobbing with sleep deprivation and my son was waking every half an hour ALL NIGHT.

When I stopped picking him up so quickly I realised I was actually interfering with his ability to go back to sleep - he cried a bit, rolled around fell asleep - then stopped waking! sleep training WORKS for many babies - my son cried much much less within a few days than he was doing before I did the sleep training. He was happy, I was usually in the room soothing him by patting him etc -

Babies/ young toddlers are totally capable of having ab it of a cry at nap time or bedtime as they fall asleep and it is not always in distress.

I too had a baby who was a happy little thing most of the time but turned into a purple-faced, rigid screamer when it was sleep time.

I learned through trial and error that any attempt to comfort him prolonged his distress (and mine) and he was best put down for a couple of minutes until he dropped off.

He was, and still is a champion sleeper, slept through the night from about 9 weeks, was taking enormous daytime naps until he started school, and as a teen will sleep all day if he can. He just needed to learn to unwind a bit first.

It was not something that I set out to do or would recommend to others and baby #2 was a different experience, but it was truly the only thing that worked.

Classicblunder · 06/12/2021 22:09

We don't have a car so this wasn't a huge sacrifice but we didn't do long drives with ours when they were babies because neither child did well in the car. The only time we tried a long drive with the youngest, he cried so much that I got out and took the tube.

We actually still don't do drives of more than 3 hours with them even now they are 5 and 2 because the 2 year old gets very worked up (3 hours is just about ok if over nap time). If we had to to see family we might but we can cope with holidays within 3 hours drive or do by train instead.

On the other hand, sleep was important to us and worth doing controlled crying for.

SickAndTiredAgain · 06/12/2021 22:09

I agree a bit. Parents with toddlers must leave the baby crying a little bit, because the toddler is in the bath and can’t be left for example. Obviously that’s different in that it’s unavoidable vs a conscious choice, but the effect on the baby is the same either way.

luinagreine · 06/12/2021 22:10

@daisydoh

Is it not what makes children spoilt? To know when they cry someone comes to them immediately? Isn't there surely a balance!?

Wtf? Why would it make a child spoilt to know someone cares enough to come to them when they are upset?

PinkWednesdays · 06/12/2021 22:11

@daisydoh

Is it not what makes children spoilt? To know when they cry someone comes to them immediately? Isn't there surely a balance!?

No, of course not…That’s just as stupid as people saying leaving a baby to cry will mean they grow up with anxiety issues (and I’m someone who always responds to my baby crying).

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