To doubt parents who say baby crying for one minute is cruel

[LoathlyLady]

Just read a few posts about sleep and frankly don’t believe some of the responses. People saying that leaving a 12 month old to cry for very short periods (1-5 mins) is cruel and they could never do it.. really??

Ofcourse I find it horrible to listen to my 1yo son get upset but there are times when I simply can’t go to him immediately (car seat!) and recently we’ve found that letting him cry for 3 mins or so at bedtime rather than feeding to sleep seems to help with his overall sleep and mood. Are these people really saying that they never let their baby cry for more than a few seconds? Or is this just bullshit to make other mums feel terrible?

The tome of your post isn't very nice. It's our preference not to leave our children to cry when we are literally in the next room and can soothe them. What's to doubt?

I did some controlled crying at bedtime with bo tbh of my daughters. It worked, they were great sleepers throughout childhood and now at 21 &. 17. Follow your instincts.

I tried not to leave mine to cry but sometimes I needed the toilet, or a shower or to eat, so had to at times. I also had twins so sometimes had to do a nappy change or a feed while one cried.

I try not to judge but when my twins were little they wanted feeding so I fed them. I was with friends and one had a baby about the same age. She was screaming, but it wasn't 2 o'clock so she wouldn't feed her, because it would ruin the routine. It ruined my ears listening to the poor girl scream for 15 minutes because babies can't tell the time. So yes, I did totally judge that. Our kids are teenagers now, it's weird how that incident has stayed with me. I think it just made me think all these baby books are crap really, as babies are all so different and it's just luck if you get one that fits a routine or not (my first would have, my second would have left me a wreck wondering where I went wrong)

I had three under five. The baby was left to cry, as I could only be in one place at once. My youngest is the happiest, most contented individual in the world.

I’m convinced that babies do not come to any harm from a bit of crying.

@PinkAndPurpleClouds

Nothing wrong with leaving them crying for 4 or 5 minutes.

Parents running off instantly to a crying baby, and being there within 10 seconds of their baby starting to cry, are making a rod for their own back.

And of course the 'I would never leave my child crying, therefore I am a better parent than you' posters are out in force. Didn't take long for them to appear.

Ah, the rod for your own back brigade are here 🙄

My DD sometimes had to be left crying because she cried literally the second I put her down for the entire 8 months of maternity leave. She also howled in a sling/baby carrier so they were out.
So if I wanted to go for a wee, or make a really quick lunch, she was going to cry, it was just a given. Didn’t make the slightest difference if I put her nearby in the bouncer and pulled funny faces and sang etc, or if I put her under a toy with lights and music or anything else I tried, she screamed from the moment my hands left her. She also only contact napped so I couldn’t wee and eat when she slept. So it’s probably easier to say that you always went to your child the second they cried if they didn’t cry any time you weren’t touching them.

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

I think it depends on the child.

DC1 was a cry til he stopped breathing child. Numerous emergency stops on the hard shoulder to blow on his face and cuddle him until we could continue for him to do it again. So 1-5 minutes of crying were pointless as he just wouldn't stop.

DC2 used to cry for about 90seconds and put herself to sleep. But it was very, very different cry to DC1 more of a moan, not the high pitched alarming noise he made.

This is a great point. Children are often very different from one another and we all adapt to them, without always realising they shape us. My baby wouldn’t just cry a bit in her cot - she would very rapidly progress to bashing her head against the bars. I responded accordingly. It probably would have been actually a bit cruel to leave her, but probably not for lots of other children.

Parents running off instantly to a crying baby, and being there within 10 seconds of their baby starting to cry, are making a rod for their own back

I didn't even need to run. I had mine in a sling and co-slept.

When does the rod arrive @PinkAndPurpleClouds because I've been waiting 14yrs? She's independent, capable, mature, secure in her own skin, bright, happy, robust, resilient, practical, emotionally intelligent and has brilliant emotional regulation.

It baffles me how anyone can not go straight to their crying child. If my kids cry it utterly overwhelms my senses and I can’t hear or think of anything else. Surely 5 minutes must feel like a decade?
I can’t even cope with it if someone else is comforting the baby, if they are crying then they just need me. I have a 4 year old and 1 year old so have been through lots of crying stages.
It’s not as strong a reaction but I find it really difficult to hear anyone else’s child crying and have to fight the urge to go and sort them out.

My brain must be wired differently to some of you, I don’t feel like a martyr or particularly smug though. I am quite tired if that makes anyone feel better.

DC1 was never left to cry for even a minute. I was an exhausted frazzled parent. DC2 was often left to cry for a few minutes because DC1 was kicking off or about to do something dangerously stupid like climb up a book case. DC2 adapted quickly and learned to wait for attention. Based on my limited experience of two children I'd say it's actually better to be a bit tardy. Of course it could just be that DC2 is naturally a more chilled child, but who knows.

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed Exactly. I have one of each and one more in the middle. My youngest I wood out down in her cot and leave so ‘cio’ only it as grizzle on and off for a couple of minutes and then fall asleep. My eldest worked
himself into such a state within minutes of being left and then took ages to calm down.

When you have a toddler and newborn twins, then the toddler starts projectile vomiting when it’s dtds meal time, you’re breast feeding but are the only adult in the house, you leave babies screaming and sort the toddler, clear up, then feed babies (that is the moment your husband walks in to a calm house with twins quietly feeding and toddler curled up looking clean and cute in her dressing gown as if the last hour never happened). Crying babies were fine with no lasting problems. Dd1 however I hated leaving to cry and she did it a lot. I have no regrets rocking her to bed every night for 2 years and cuddling her lots. She’s now 13 and great at self settling!

@kjdmnbxz54 yes! A little tardiness really helps dc confidence! Twins are super confident and happy to entertain themselves. Dd1 was much more needy but by twins I didn’t have time or energy so was definitely tardy

@Roseandgeranium When I had my first baby, he hated the car so much that I stopped driving for 6 months and either walked or got the train everywhere. The crying pretty much destroyed my brain, heart and soul: second baby I decided to try the car when she was 3 weeks old. She cried. I crashed. I have stopped driving again. Hahaha. True story.

Baby's cry when they are communicating, in my opinion (just my opinion), it is my job to meet their needs immediately. Yes this means I look a state most of the time because showering is undertaken in 3 seconds etc

A friend wouldn't let her baby cry. I refused to ever give her a lift again when we were on the dual carriage way and she got her baby out of the car seat to comfort her.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 this is me, at the mo, 24/7. Baby attached in sling or boob and happy pretty much consistently because of it. Toddler gets my attention (mostly). I do tend to think that attachment parenting gives a more secure, emotionally 'in tune' child and so toddler is v happy to fit around the baby. Again this may sound bonkers to people who don't attachment parent. It's just how it's worked for us.

@EishetChayil

I wouldn't leave an adult crying alone in a room, so I certainly don't leave DD.

This

I'm another one who found the crying unbearable and physically painful. Sometimes they would cry regardless of what I did, but they weren't left to cry alone. When I had two children, the crying baby generally got priority, and the toddler understood that babies in our household get attention straight away because they are too little to wait. But babies are very portable, so I didn't really ever need to let them cry unattended, and I had a sling, so generally had at least one hand free even when dealing with the baby.

DC1 really, really wanted to be held, and would cry a lot at things like nappy changes, and obviously I still changed her nappies, so I did let her cry, just not without soothing her while she was crying.

I think most people will respond to a baby whose crying provokes intense distress in the parent. For some people, that kicks in sooner than others. I'm not sure whether it's to do with the adult or the baby or a mixture of both, but many parents talk about a sort of ignorable cry or grizzle, which they see as very different from the distress cry. DC1 didn't really do the grizzling thing - she would be e content or in distress without that middle point, so for me, it would have been cruel to leave her crying. My friend would happily leave her baby doing little cries which she didn't interpret as distress, and I don't think she was cruel for doing so.

Health visitors in my area are telling new mums not to let babies cry at all on their own as it leads to anxiety 🙄.

I however have left my son to cry because i was trying to stop him crying for over an hour and needed to cry myself and have a few moments to collect my self before I went back.

My second did a lot more crying than my first. Can only be in 1 place at a time so if older one needed their bum wiped baby's feed would need to wait...

I think the difference is intent. Purposefully waiting when you aren't busy with the purpose of making them less of an inconvience to you is cruel imo yeah.

Them having to wait because of circumstances such as another child's needs, going to the toilet etc is different. You have to be able to tend to those needs, you're not just sitting waiting to achieve a goal of getting them to cry less.

These are my opinions though and everyone else is welcome to theirs, i have been in this camp for the last 9 years and have three children under 10 with small age gaps and have never purposefully let them cry. I am happy with that. If others have and they are happy with that, who cares?

Of course it's not cruel to leave a baby crying for a few minutes, neither is it being a martyr to pick them up every time they whimper. In reality most parents do a bit of both. And sometimes it doesn't even matter, you could be holding them, soothing them, feeding them and they will still cry.

I sincerely doubt that many people are leaving their distressed baby to cry because they just think 'it will teach them' and if it's got to the point of CC or CIO they are already sleep deprived and at the end of their tether. There is no right or wrong way, just what's right for you and your children at that point in time.

People seem to be confusing normal family behaviour with malicious intent

It doesn't do babies any harm to cry for a bit. It does them harm to cry again and again and again and nobody comes. I don't think anyone here is suggesting that. But everyone has different tolerance levels. I couldn't stand either of my DDs crying, it was like nails down a blackboard - I couldn't have done it if I tried.

@Sitchervice that is so unhelpful of the HV. I mean you don't neglect them. But most people have to drive places, have to have a shower, care for other children, etc.
And yes take a break if the baby wont stop crying.

@coffeealldayandnight oh bless you, I don’t blame you! We didn’t have a car with my first so on the rare occasions he was in a car he really liked it. Our second is not a fan but does fall asleep if she’s tired so I meticulously plan all car-based journeys so she will be ready to nap. That way the crying only lasts a minute or two at worst. My husband gets impatient sometimes because I make us a bit late for things occasionally by waiting for her nap window but no way I’m going to sit there fighting the urge to chew my own fist because she’s so upset if it’s not absolutely necessary.