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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 06/12/2021 18:29

Should have added - It was a private room

MyComputerGetsSadWithoutMe · 06/12/2021 18:31

I disagree, I've never had an issue paying for myself when out with friends, doesn't bother me at all

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 06/12/2021 18:32

@Swonderswoman

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.
Me neither. I don't know anyone who could afford to do this.
ChequerBoard · 06/12/2021 18:32

Depends who is organising/picking the venue and doing the inviting. Rule of thumb being whoever invites is paying.

Friends inviting you to a birthday dinner thrown in your honour, I would expect them to sort out amongst themselves and you not to pay anything.

You inviting friends to a dinner (and stipulating the venue) for your own birthday then you would pay for everything.

Only exception is if you have a agreement between you all beforehand as ti where you are going and agree to all pay for yourselves.

Firefightress1 · 06/12/2021 18:33

It must be a mumsnet thing but does anyone do anything because they actually like their friends and want to spend time with them? I've travelled by train, plane and car all over the country to celebrate with my friends and they have done the same for me. That's what friendship means to me, for those not in the position to pay we have covered the costs between the friends so they can join us. We have all been there at some point.

trevthecat · 06/12/2021 18:34

I would expect to pay for myself. Just make it clear in the invite

Gretaburley · 06/12/2021 18:34

I once went to a colleague's retirement meal. I didn't know her very well and partly went because not many signed up for it and I felt a bit sorry.
I fully expected to pay for my own meal.
At the end the retiree said she was going to the toilet, when she returned she'd paid for the meal.
I felt rather bad and we all tried to pay her back but she wouldn't let us.

I agree, be up front.
Make it plain that people have to pay and just order some wine separately. About half a bottle per person.

nellyburt · 06/12/2021 18:40

I did similar for my 40th recently and pre paid for all food, tea, coffee and a glass of Prosecco. Clearly stated on invite that food was covered they just needed to buy drinks.

PlasticFreeIn2022 · 06/12/2021 18:43

I think it depends on your friendship circle. In our crowd. It definitely wouldn't be expected for the host to pay. We'd always just split the bill.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/12/2021 18:47

@TheFoz

You are inviting guests to come and celebrate with you, it’s up to you to pay I’m afraid.
Rubbish. I go out for dinner for most of my birthdays and everyone pays for themselves. Nobody has ever expected me to pay.
Gwenhwyfar · 06/12/2021 18:48

"I feel like the expectation that the host pays for everyone is just one of those weird mumsnet things."

It's a rich people thing I think. I've heard of it outside MN, but never experienced it myself.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/12/2021 18:51

"You inviting friends to a dinner (and stipulating the venue) for your own birthday then you would pay for everything.

Only exception is if you have a agreement between you all beforehand as ti where you are going and agree to all pay for yourselves."

No, no, no. If you are organising for 15 people you can't have endless discussions about where to go. One person suggests somewhere and people can accept or decline. It doesn't mean that person has to pay.

Lockheart · 06/12/2021 18:52

I don't think I've ever gone to or organised a birthday dinner out where the invitees didn't pay for theirs AND for the birthday person's dinner!

The rule among my social circle is birthday boy / girl doesn't pay, everyone else does.

Actually I tell a lie, I did go to one 30th birthday party where it was made clear the food was paid for but it was a massive event with 60+ people and a set menu. But that was very much the exception and not the rule.

ConkerBonkers · 06/12/2021 18:55

I would say if you have family who normally pay for you there then it's awkward. Personally I would have a family thing with those guys and pay for them. I would also do a separate friends thing where they pay for themselves. I think a two tier system at the same event would be awkward as anything.

gukvguk · 06/12/2021 18:55

I'd word the invite to make it clear that they have to pay for themselves - totally normal in my social circle. In fact, usually we club together and pay for the birthday person's meal.

Say you're going to X and you'd love it if they wanted to join you and then make it clear you won't be paying. Up to them then.

GhostCurry · 06/12/2021 18:57

@HangOnToYourself

I hate the idea of you have to pay for everyone you invite, basically poor people cant have fun. Just invite people but make it clear that its pay for your own (I'd never expect my meal paid for to celebrate a friends bday, if anything I'd expect the guests to split the birthday persons meal cost).
All of this.
Flobbertybillop · 06/12/2021 19:00

Only on mumsnet, is the inviter expected to pay!

MsMarch · 06/12/2021 19:08

Is it an age thing? In my extended circle I'd say that everyone pays for themselves until the big 40. Then it starts to become a bit more fluid. I have attended many 40th birthdays (and had one myself) where the food was paid for by the person throwing the party. Drinks tend to be more likely to be paid by attendees bar a few early bottles of fizz or similar.

I've also been to a few 40th parties that were hosted at someone's house, with food and drink catered.

I don't think I went to a single 30th birthday party where either of these happened. If it was a house party, you brought your own booze and if it was a party out, you'd consider yourself lucky if the host organised a platter of chips and nuggets at the pub! Grin

But I've also been invited to 40th birthday parties where it was clear everyone was paying for themselves.

I'm starting to sneak up on 50th parties now so will be interesting to see if there's a more significant shift! Grin

erinaceus · 06/12/2021 19:16

One suggestion you might not have thought of is to fix a budget in your mind and then have a conversation with the restaurant about whether they can do something that does suit. Depends on the restaurant of course as well as the date and time and so on but some places will work with you to serve a meal family style which makes it a bit cheaper.

ChloBows1 · 06/12/2021 19:16

I’ve never been to a birthday meal and had the invitee pay for me.
I have invited my Mum and sister for a birthday meal though and covered the cost.
If you are inviting them and not covering the costs, then I would make sure I mentioned this, so it wasn’t expected.

Iwab82 · 06/12/2021 19:20

I've always paid when going out for people's birthdays and vice versa.

FreakinFrankNFurter · 06/12/2021 19:24

In my social group we pay for ourselves at birthday meals, even fancy ones. We're all fairly comfortable and can afford good restaurants but paying for 20 people wouldnt be expected at all.

One friend once paid for us all to have a tasting menu in private dining room but he is a lot better off than the rest of us and it was entirely his choice to treat everyone. We would have happily paid for ourselves.

My birthday was a tasting menu in a private dining room. Everyone paid for their meal but I paid for some fizz to welcome people and then wine on the table

I think the answer to the question is dependant on your friendship group.

user68901 · 06/12/2021 19:24

I would always assume I'm paying for my own food. Going to a restaurant with friends is often because of someone's birthday. No-one would do this if they had to pay for everyone. You're talking about £80 a head with wine I wouldn't ever expect a friend to fork out that.
It's different with my family. My Dad pretty much always likes to treat us but thats just cos he's super generous and he and mum love it.

Original poster
YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 19:27

@MsMarch It will be my 40th, yes. This is definitely not a question that would have arisen at 30.

OP posts:
Sxxyfing · 06/12/2021 19:27

Wow I would never ever expect not to pay for myself at something like this. And would probably try and get everyone there to chip in for the birthday girl top.
Only time I'd expect a free meal is if food was pre prepared/ordered for example a meal at someone's house or a wedding