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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:

Original poster

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 19:28

@Missdotty the family members won't be coming though - they are older (in their 70s now) and this would be a friends thing

OP posts:

CourtRand · 06/12/2021 19:30

If I was going out for a landmark birthday like this I'd expect all the guests to offer to pay the birthday girls dinner as well as their own each tbh. That's what I always do for others.

AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 06/12/2021 19:38

With friends I think getting them to pay is fine, just be really clear that is what you are doing.

If it isn't the norm in your group some people may raise an eyebrow but these are your friends after all.

ThinWomansBrain · 06/12/2021 19:50

I think it's entirely up to you - you just need to make it clear at the outset.

MN is really weird - there was a similar post recently, and I made a comment about a milestone bithday where the B'day mans wife had paid for everyone and got a shoal of responses along the lines of "how ridiculous, no one can afford to pay for that"

Having a private room (some restaurants make no additional charge) does make sense with a large group - the meal I mentioned above we were in the main restaurant, and wholst my table was served early on, some tables waited an hours for their main course. With a private room, I'd assume they're better geared up to serve you all at the same time.

EmJay19 · 06/12/2021 19:52

Would not expect someone else to pay even if invited.

Think weddings are different but generally you have a big meal and split the bill.

Maybe imply it’s a pricy place to make sure people get the gist, ‘would you like to come to xxx. See menu here for idea of prices. If people think too expensive might look for somewhere else’

Gearedtoyou · 06/12/2021 19:53

MN always says you should pay and feels quite strongly about it. In the world I live in, it would be embarrassingly ostentatious to pay. Everyone would expect to pay for themselves and me insisting I did would make everyone uncomfortable

gogohm · 06/12/2021 20:00

All depends on your friends too - do you normally split? I would sound some of them out eg I would suggest that they pay the set meal cost (in advance) and you pay for wine for the table, all other drinks they buy themselves

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2021 20:05

I also think it depends on size, six mates going for a meal, easy to split the cost. 25 mates fronting up and it sounds like you want a party but can’t afford one.so want everyone to pay for themselves.

I think it’s fine, just be honest.

MissBridgetJones · 06/12/2021 20:22

@Horriblewoman

I organised a surprise dinner for my husband's 30th, there was a set menu so I let everyone know in advance the cost when I invited them. I covered wine for the table though.

100% this, my 40th was just before lockdown. Sent the menu around, private dinning with a fixed price menu (we were asked to pre order) I just said I'd cover wine and fizz. This is pretty standard with my girl gaggle and therefore it was totally expected that people would cover their own food, but as it was fixed menu/cost no one got stung with Karen ordering lobster and knew what it was going to cost.

endingintiers · 06/12/2021 20:49

I think it's a private room in an expensive place - it's different to inviting people to join you in a restaurant for dinner where they can choose what they want (or nothing!) from the menu. Usually there's a minimum spend, and you couldn't do it without them there . So I'd probably say something like 'for my birthday, instead of a gift I'd love it if we could go for a special dinner together here instead' and let them know what their contribution will be. Then they can choose.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/12/2021 20:49

" I also got the message out amongst my friends that I understood £70 if you were a couple could be prohibitive"

Why would it be any more prohibitive than £35 for single people, single people whose lives are more expensive anyway??

Unmerited · 06/12/2021 21:00

This is a tricky one - usually when I’ve been out for friend’s birthdays we pay for ourselves and then also split the friend’s bill equally between us. But depending on the group of friends it could definitely vary. I also think it depends on who does the organising. For example if someone, partner etc, is organising on your behalf then an email with something like ‘I’m thinking about X’s 40th and arranging something nice. I was thinking maybe this restaurant at x amount per head but not sure if people would be up for that?’ might be a way to canvas opinion gently?

TakeMe2Insanity · 06/12/2021 21:12

In my mind if it’s
a) a normal restaurant for you and your friends and they get to choose off the menu what they want then you need to be clear that you’ll be splitting the bill.
Or
b) an above average restaurant for you and your friends eg a private room where the menu is preset or menu choice sent in advance then there would be an expectation the host would pay.

GnomeDePlume · 06/12/2021 21:13

If you decide you want to pay but are mindful of not letting the cost run away with itself the why not lunch? On the whole people tend to eat and drink a bit less and a free lunch is always memorable.

We had a lunch to celebrate a big wedding anniversary. It was at a very nice independent local-ish pub. For various reasons we were the only group there. Meal was excellent, the total bill for 9 people including drinks came to £320 (the bill is still sitting on my desk in front of me). This was for 2 courses, we had pudding at home.

We asked people to order in advance. To achieve this I sent the menu out but without the prices on it (I typed it out). I wanted people to choose what they wanted, not feel like they had to choose the cheap option.

Youdoyoutoday · 06/12/2021 21:19

If you invite, you pay.

Sorry, but you can't afford this type of celebration unless you make it 100% crystal clear that it's pay as you go.

However, if your skint, a few people could flounce off before the bill is due and then it would be down to you to pay.

Go with what you can afford

Youdoyoutoday · 06/12/2021 21:21

You're

Athinginitself · 06/12/2021 21:25

I think it really depends what the norm is amongst your friends. It's totally normal within my peers that we just pay or own way regardless of the celebration or who invited who. We are very generous to each other in other ways but have vastly different incomes and outgoings and would just always pay for ourselves.

Swonderswoman · 06/12/2021 21:26

For all those saying "you invite, you pay", what do you do if a skint friend has a big milestone birthday coming up and you want to celebrate with them? Do you just not celebrate? I've got plenty of friends who I'd love to share their big moments with, and would be devastated if they chose not to celebrate simply because they couldn't afford to take everyone out for dinner. I guess you can go round their house for a cuppa and a slice of cake, but that's hardly any different from how you'd usually socialise. I certainly don't begrudge spending £30/£40 on a fun evening out in honour of someone.

SSOYS · 06/12/2021 21:29

@TakeMe2Insanity

In my mind if it’s a) a normal restaurant for you and your friends and they get to choose off the menu what they want then you need to be clear that you’ll be splitting the bill. Or b) an above average restaurant for you and your friends eg a private room where the menu is preset or menu choice sent in advance then there would be an expectation the host would pay.

Same. But whatever you do is fine as long as you're clear.

MintyIguana · 06/12/2021 21:43

I would expect to pay for myself but would expect menu and pricing to be clear beforehand so we can decide if it is something we can afford. With close friends everyone is aware people have different circumstances and might not want to spend that much at that time for whatever reason. But I'd never expect to be paid for. That would be a vast sum for the host.

somehowsunshine · 06/12/2021 21:45

We've got 12 friends coming for a curry with us for my husband's 40th and we are going to split the bill between us all. Everyone is coming back to ours afterwards for cocktails.

GnomeDePlume · 06/12/2021 21:51

@Swonderswoman it very much depends on what is normal in your friendship or family group. Up stream I mentioned we had taken family and friends to lunch. It was interesting that at the end of the meal both my DSonsInLaw offered to contribute but my DM & my DB didnt. DM is very much of the view that if you invite you pay and DB reverts to little boy in her company so it probably wouldnt have occurred to him to even offer.

No matter, we had already decided we would be paying and I had already worked out roughly what the lunch would cost beforehand.

diamondpony80 · 06/12/2021 21:53

If you’re doing the inviting I would expect you’d be paying. When friends get together to organise a dinner for another friend then the bill would be split and everyone would contribute.

BoredZelda · 06/12/2021 22:01

I go out for dinner for most of my birthdays and everyone pays for themselves. Nobody has ever expected me to pay.

But do you invite them to a private dining room with a set menu?

I organise it for them and pay, or if a big group of friends, agree to split between us. That’s different to inviting them to your birthday party and asking them to pay for a set meal.

only on MN does the person inviting pay

I was paying in this situation long before I was on Mumsnet. I’m going to hazard a guess the people who have invited to me to similar and paid the bill, are not on Mumsnet either.

As others have said, there isn’t a right or wrong, other than some outdated “tradition” and as long as expectations were managed it’s fine to do whatever. People will always complain no matter what. But in his scenario, unless it was a very close friend, or family member, I probably would decline as I’m not paying over the odds for a set menu which are never great.

mrsbyers · 06/12/2021 22:10

I’m going to house of tides for my 50th with another couple and it was never a thought that I would pay - we always split bills

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