To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

[YukoandHiro]

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

@Swonderswoman

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.

Same! I’m surprised so many people think “you invite you pay”. For me it’s been more usual for the guests to club together to pay for the birthday girl’s meal.

A set menu can work well in these circumstances. So just send that with the price on it when you send the invitation out. Would need to be quite a casual style of invitation - by email rather than stuff, cream card - just saying you’d love your friends to celebrate with you and here’s the menu. You could always do meal at 7pm and anyone who just wanted to come for drinks could come at 9.30. Then those who don’t want to pay for dinner can just do drinks

Me too and most often we split the bill and the birthday person doesn't contribute and we cover theirs

Yes. This is the norm. There is one person who orders the most expensive dish and several side dishes, bumping up everyone's bill

I think whether you pay or not depends upon whether it is more of a party or a group of friends going out. The private room booking and the fairly large number of people are starting to make it quite party like, I. which case I would expect that the host is paying. More so if the guests do not all know each other and normally socialise together, because that also makes it more of a party than a group of friends socialising.

I think you would need to take care with how you word it and I would maybe drop the private dining room to make it sound less partyish.

@TheChild

Everytime I've been invited for a birthday meal I have always paid for myself/my family. I've never gone to a meal expecting someone else to pay for me.

Yes me too. None of my friends are rich enough to pay for everyone's posh dinner!

My last big birthday I bought some bottles of wine for the table and that was appreciated but everyone paid their meal at the end.

I’ve never had the inviter pay!
However it’s normally a restaurant that the invitees would have gone to anyway. A good meal + company well worth the money.

Also - we normally buy the birthday person drinks and pay for their meal ;)

Just seen that it’s 25 people . If so you can get a cake. And you should be able to get a set menu so it’s a win win

I think it depends on your friends income, my in laws always pick expensive restaurants we can’t afford so we end up just DH going alone and pretending we can’t get a babysitter. DH hates it, I get annoyed he gets these lovely meals without me. My parents always pay but don’t pick expensive places more bistro type joints.

I'd happily pay if I was aware of it in advance, but whatever you do, don't make a contribution and then split the bill between the guests. I'd be pissed off if I had to pay for someone who'd eaten or drunk more than me.

Yeah a wedding I think is different but they do have the option not to come for dinner if they can’t/don’t want to pay for it. If I was invited to a friends birthday dinner if never expect they’d be paying for it. The more restaurant environment you can get I think the more it would be expected they’d pay. The more it’s like a private function I think that then becomes more likely the inviter might pay but that would be more like a buffer situation I’d say

Buffet *

I'd be careful if you go down the route of ordering a private room.

The restaurant may expect payment for 25 people and invariably some of your friends will drop out for nefarious reasons. I wouldn't want to be insisting on payment from dear friends unable to attend, but then nor would I want to be forking out the difference myself or splitting it amongst the remaining guests , which could cause all sorts of bad feelings.

Split the bill OP.

You always get a 50/50 split on these posts in here op, but I’m in the ‘pay for yourself’ camp.

That said, I think the ‘private dining’ set up and large number of people
you’re planning to invite does complicate things slightly.

A private dining room somewhere fancy implies a more formal ‘hosted’ party, plus with 25 people the bill will be a nightmare to split, and a real mood killer at the end of the night.

As others have said, some will order more expensive dishes and drink more, whereas others might be trying to minimise spend (particularly if it’s pricy).

The likelihood is that for 25 people you’ll have to pre-order anyway, so a fixed priced set menu might be the best way to go. Could you afford to pay for a few bottles of wine/prosecco as a gesture of hospitality?

@Christmas1988 why doesn't your DH just tell his DPs that as a couple you can't afford Chez Swanky and it would be much better for your budget to eat at Moderately priced Moes ?

I'd just have the conversation with my friends! As they are close enough to be invited to cebrate, surely they are close enough to have the conversation? "I'd love to have you and XXX group to join me for a meal. We wouldn't be able to cover the tab so would everyone be comfortable paying their own meal /we will pay for drinks" etc
We've done similar for DH's birthday and just made it clear it was a chance for us to all have a fancy Michelin starred meal, bit we weren't covering the expense just our own food. No one was offended, and everyone had the chance to say no thanks. At a Michelin place the meals are set menu so when we invited people we said "the 5 course tasting menu is £95 pp, if you want the wine flight it is £165". No room for confusion. As your friend I wouldn't be at all offended.

Not necessarily, but 25 sounds more like a party than dinner. When I go out for friends bdays we tend to pay for our own and pay for the person whose birthday it is!

When you say private room, thats normal here if there's a large group of us. They just treated it as separate tables but we had our own area if that makes sense. There was aswt menu to make it easier for the kitchen but we paid a deposit each and everyone paid their own bills on the night.

I have nearly always paid for myself when attending a birthday meal. The exception was once when the host laid everything on herself

I’m always a bit surprised by these responses, generally when I go out with friends for a birthday meal we all pay for ourselves. There have been exceptions, but generally that’s what happens (and many are quite London media squanky and others are shires posh).

I think it’s find to expect everyone to pay - but pick somewhere affordable and make it crystal clear - eg ‘I’d love you to join me for my birthday at XX - it’s fun and not too expensive (link to menu here) with great views - and we’ll be covering table wine of course!’ - then you can cover bottle of house wine, which is a nice gesture..

I don't think 25 is a lot, including the birthday couple it's only 11 couples. We easily have 11 close friends and partners that would like to come along for dinner and not expect us to pay

[experience working in restaurant and catering]

First, you need to check on your restaurant's policy
Depending on the size of the restaurant, you may need to pay at least partially in advance - the restaurant may need extra staff in to ensure the whole party eats at approximately the same time.
If they reserve a room/part of the restaurant for a party booking that either doesn't turn up or only partially does, their takings are down.
The last place I worked was a bit small, so up to 10 was a group booking (2 tables pushed together, easy to arrange at a day's notice, nominal deposit), 11-20 was a party booking (corner of the restaurant corded off, 2 extra staff, £5/person deposit payable at least 48hrs in advance), 21+ was a private event and basically meant we would be closed to the public for the evening (or the duration if a lunchtime) - we would go all out for the event, decorations etc, but we had to charge accordingly to cover the extra staff costs and cover what we would have expected in custom if we'd been open - like a pp mentioned food/room hire payable in advance, drink bill settled at the end of the event was standard, and the cancellation policy was harsh for good reason.

Parties are harder work for staff as everything is happening at the same time, and (even in our non-tip focused culture) often generate less tips per head than non party diners - stories of one of the guests pocketing tips or paying for their share out of tips are unfortunately not urban legends.
There's also more chance of guests arguing - stress from organising a big party/drinking more due to it being a special event/being surrounded by friends and family (some of whom they my have unresolved issues with) rather than the usual peer pressure encouraging them to behave etc

I'm not saying this to put anyone off arranging a celebration - just explain why some restaurants have policies in place.

In my social circle between food allergies and intolerances, and other dietary requirements, everyone expects a copy of the menu before rsvping, if the menu sent with the invite doesn't list prices I don't expect to be paying for myself (though I always have enough to if needed) if the menu does list prices then I do.
If you want to ensure there's no ambiguity, include on the invite something like "Please RSVP with £5 deposit per person by xx/xx/xx, my bank details are xx-xx-xx xxxxxxxx"
I happily pay for my own meal locally for a friend's birthday (especially for a big ticket celebration) though the host buying the first round of drinks would be appreciated if if was out of my usual budget.
If I had to travel/overnight stay (and have associated costs) I'd be quite a bit less happy about paying for the meal.

I did this for a big birthday.

I paid for all the booze (5 tables of 10, 4 bottles of red and 4 of white, replenished twice) and allowed for 3 glasses of champagne on arrival (everyone got very merry!). Also paid for post dinner cocktails for those still standing!

I also arranged a set menu with 3 choices per course at £35 a head (was a while ago) and made it very clear up front. I also got the message out amongst my friends that I understood £70 if you were a couple could be prohibitive and that I would completely understand if people didn’t feel able to attend (Although I’ve paid £££££ to attend their various weddings & kids birthdays over the years!)

Also, of course, paid for all soft drinks.

Think it cost me around £1k in the end but memory does not serve…

I have been in both situations but particularly when it comes to my parents/in laws other family members who have had 50th/60th then the meal is usually paid for.

I have been at a few baby showers where it’s a meal/afternoon tea and everyone pays their own but in the invite it usually states like £20 per head.

I would try and get a restaurant that does a set menu if you are paying so you know the cost and someone doesn’t go in and order lobster to start as then an expensive steak/wine etc. (They might think they are paying therefore order what they like, whereas if they know you are paying are less likely to order the more expensive item on the menu)

@Swonderswoman
Same.