Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for their dinners... or should I?

377 replies

YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 16:02

A social etiquette question.

I have a landmark birthday next year and I'd like to celebrate it by having a dinner at a restaurant with a bunch of friends - I'm thinking about 25 people and booking a private room at somewhere really nice.

If I do this, though, does that mean that me and DH would be expected to pay for everyone's food? Or would we just make a contribution and split the rest between the guests at the end of the night?

We're probably the least well off of our friends, a lot of them are a bit posher than us in terms of background, so I'm not sure what will be expected/assumed by an invitation like this?

If this is the expectation that it's paid for (kind of like a wedding I guess) then we probably can't afford it and I'll have to do something different. Which is a shame. But I also don't want to put my foot in it and leave an awkward situation when the bill comes

OP posts:
SoftPillow · 06/12/2021 17:36

Personally I would pay, but I wouldn't be at all offended if I were asked to pay as long as it was clear at the time of inviting.

Perhaps you could offer to pay for champagne for everyone, then if feels like you're treating everyone but it isn't going to bankrupt you.

Sounds like a lovely idea and hope you can find a way to make it works

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/12/2021 17:37

I think it’s the private room somewhere really nice that makes it tricky as it’s going to be a lot more expensive than the large groups you see in regular restaurants. Splitting the bill at the fancy place and buying a present could cost the guests hundreds of pounds.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 06/12/2021 17:39

I haven't been anywhere the host pays except once with very wealthy people (retired at 40 type wealth). Usually we would all pay for our own, and share the birthday girl's meal amongst us! So pay a bit extra! Love going out for birthday meals, so please go ahead and have the one that you want, just be upfront about the cost.

MaHBroon · 06/12/2021 17:39

I’m of the ‘if you do the inviting school of thought’ then you also do the paying.

IamnotSethRogan · 06/12/2021 17:42

It's never ever been the case with my friends that who ever has arranged the meal has to pay. We all want to see eachother and don't want to leave people out because of bizarre social etiquette.

As long as you're clear when inviting people, absolutely invite who you would like.

QOD · 06/12/2021 17:42

we all pay our own
split the birthday girls if its not super expensive - one friend we went to the Landmark -= £120 a head. Her choice and so no, we didnt pay for her lol

FrazzledY9Parent · 06/12/2021 17:44

I would never expect to be paid for. In my social circle (teachers and such like) it is totally normal to pay for your own meal. If the birthday girl paid for the first round of drinks I'd be well impressed.

Mousie38 · 06/12/2021 17:46

We did this for my husband's 50h - chose a restaurant that was mid priced and invited 20 people. We paid for the meals and everyone paid for their own drinks. We had a fabulous evening

Shortpoet · 06/12/2021 17:47

On my group of friends if we go out to dinner everyone pays EXCEPT the person whose birthday it is and we share the cost of their meal between the rest of us. And we give them a gift!

Birthday person doesn’t expect it, but it’s always a chorus of “It’s your birthday you can’t possibly pay for you own meal!”

Just goes to show all groups are different.

CSJobseeker · 06/12/2021 17:47

@arethereanyleftatall

You can just word the invite accordingly...

We would like to invite you all to dinner to celebrate my birthday at ...implies you will pay

Would you like to join us for dinner at...implies each pays their own

I agree with this, and either is fine.

Most of the celebratory meals I've been to have been the first type.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 06/12/2021 17:48

Best way to arrange a birthday dinner like that is if a friend or DH does it as a surprise. So everyone coming is involved in the organising & there's no questions about you paying as it's its pre arranged amongst all the friends beforehand. Personally I don't think the birthday person should pay, everyone else chips in a bit extra to cover it. Unless of course you're minted!

mindutopia · 06/12/2021 17:48

I have never been to a birthday meal out where the birthday person paid for everyone. It seems a bit backwards to me. If anything, we usually all contribute to their meal. I'd actually be really uncomfortable with someone else treating me to a meal out on their birthday.

Personally, I think it's completely fine and I would not be offended at all. I think you just need to make it clear. Surely, your friends would much rather all be with you to celebrate your birthday than to get a free meal out of it.

HairyScaryMonster · 06/12/2021 17:48

Assuming it's not mega bucks I'd say invitees pay, first round of drinks on you if you can afford it.

PlumManor · 06/12/2021 17:51

We paid for everything for our 50th BUT we only invited a few very close friends. Still cost us about £800 but it was a lovely evening, fancy restaurant, cocktails in a nice bar, taxis, no expense spared.

Our friends all celebrated their own 50ths by having a party, inviting the world, putting on food, but guests bought their own drinks.

Which do you prefer? Ours suited us, theirs suited them. Both fine as expectations set out at the invite.

Fink · 06/12/2021 17:52

I agree with pp that it's not cut and dried who would pay, it depends on the group and what's usual among them, but that it needs to be crystal clear when the invites go out if people are expected to pay for their own. I also agree that a set menu is better (and often if it's a large group that's what restaurants will offer anyway).

Katela18 · 06/12/2021 17:53

On the contrary to most others, if been to loads of meals like you describe and always pay for myself....I can't imagine expecting that because someone else invited me that means they are paying!

I'd go with your plans, if you are worried I'd just make it clear what your plans are but to me noone should go to a meal with the expectation someone else will pay

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2021 17:53

I think it’s fine not to pay, although to be fair I’ve never been to one where I was expected to, but if someone said fancy all going out to dinner, it’s pay your own,here is a sample menu I’d be fine with it.

What’s not ok is not to tell them and then surprise them on the night.

Booze is difficult though, it’s very expensive if you pay for all and keep it flowing but unless people only order by the glass it gets difficult

Firefightress1 · 06/12/2021 17:54

Wow I've never had a meal paid, we are all friends and want to celebrate each others birthdays. Only you know your friends but if I offered to pay for everyone there would be an almighty argument over it when the bill came asthey would never expect it.

rookiemere · 06/12/2021 17:55

See I'm clearly not posh as the implications of wording it as "joining u" rather than be invited to would pass me by.
So I'd be very clear and attach a copy of the menu or - as before- absolutely get a fixed price menu if you can. It would be a classy touch to buy bubbly and wine for the table.

I did however notice when friends sent us a formal invite to an occasion where we were expected to pay for ourselves. Bad manner to act like you're hosting something, when you're not. We declined for a number of reasons and the event ended up not going ahead. I'm absolutely not saying they were wrong to ask people to pay, but then it's not really an invite - actually maybe I would understand joining rather than being invited Grin

tangyandsalty · 06/12/2021 17:58

It's all in the wording as PPs have said - if it's an official "we would like you to join us at our celebration meal" etc it suggests you'll be paying, "we are going to X for a meal, if anyone would like to come along" they're paying. Have you checked if the restaurant would do a cheaper set menu as it's a large group?

EdgeOfTheSky · 06/12/2021 18:00

Almost none of my friends or family could afford to pay for dinner for 25 people...and I would be very happy to pay for my meal to join in and celebrate! Much better that than not join in and celebrate because the birthday girl can't afford to pay for me.

Much better to include lots and they pay for their meals - than exclude people because you can't afford it.

Some of us live in a different universe from some of the MN 'rules'.

Arepeoplereallycoolaboutthis · 06/12/2021 18:02

I'm really shocked at posters who think you should pay tbh. Different worlds I guess. But every birthday meal gathering we've been to results in the guests generally paying for the birthday person. It's never planned that way but it's just what happens as it's a nice thing to do.

I think it's madness that any of your friends would expect you to pay for them. Have you got to pay for the pleasure of having your friends celebrate with you for your birthday now?! Obviously throwing a party is different but we are strictly talking about a meal here.

Indoctro · 06/12/2021 18:02

@Swonderswoman

I have NEVER not paid when going out for someone's birthday. Decades of birthday meals out and never had the "inviter" pay.
Me too and most often we split the bill and the birthday person doesn't contribute and we cover there's I've never heart of the host paying
Viviennemary · 06/12/2021 18:02

I think you should do something at home and put on a buffet. You cznt invitd pdople out znd expdct ghdm to bipuh thrif osn mezl. Unless thats ehat is normally done in your circle.

Viviennemary · 06/12/2021 18:04

What a messy post. Sorry.