Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

blimey, I may never host another party after your moaning at the last one?

Very sorely tempted to say exactly that! No more invites for you - with a side eye to match.

That was a joke by the way! I wouldn't actually say that, as they might be quietly struggling. I tend to keep quiet these days, and try to give the benefit of the doubt in abundance.

One thing I've noticed (and there are a fair few people on this thread who are like this tbh) is that very few people know how to be a 'good guest' these days.

I was brought up to believe that if you accepted someone's invitation, you turned up, with a gift of some sort (depending on event, it could be a bottle of wine, or a plate of food, or something for the bbq.
Flowers, sometimes, too.) in acknowledgement of the effort that the host/ess had made on your behalf.

You don't cancel on the day unless it's an extreme circumstance - not feeling like it isn't a good enough reason. Nor must you cancel if a 'better' invitation turns up.

Likewise, you don't pitch up in the clothes you'd slob around in at home, or those you'd wear on a beach or going for a jog. Unless, of course, the host/ess had told you this was the kind of event you were attending.

While you're at the party, you make conversation- it doesn't have to be deep and philosophical, but it does have to be polite.

And it should go without saying (although apparently it does need to be said!)- you say thank you. On leaving, and the next day, by text/email/phone call.

They may be 'rules' , but they're hardly onerous. Society runs on countless little 'rules'; it's really not hard. And if those few things are too much to cope with, you shouldn't be accepting party invitations.

And usually these matters resolve naturally. I would agree with the pp above, and don't think twice about it - because everyone I know tends to be of similar persuasion. Posters who say they don't like these 'rules' (surely just 'do as you would be done by' common courtesy, rather than rules) probably have friends who feel similarly so - no problem. Different stroke for different folks!

@CulturePigeon

Well said

You need to reassess your ''friends" and cut out the dead wood. These people sound like they lack manners and class, are disrespectful, greedy, spoilt and lazy and unpleasant. Better to have 4 real friends than a "friendship group" of shits who are not your 'friends' at all.
You sounds lovely.
Cut our that dead wood and make room for new!

@julieca

I am not English and I will be honest I bloody hate stuff like this. All these hidden rules that no one tells you and then you get labelled rude for it. I always thank people when I leave a party or occasion, but a text afterwards, no. I don't see why that makes me rude. Posts like this just make me want to not socialise with anyone English. Its such bloody hard work.

I'm sure no one thinks you're rude and the message the next day thing is something I like to do and if others do it, it's something I appreciate and notice too. In my circle of friends we all seem to do it so it's just what I know. Others maybe update FB or instagram these things.

I'd only mark their card if they'd behaved like ungrateful plonkers all night

I don't think thanking on the occasion AND thanking in writing for a house party was ever the norm amongst the general population.

When I’m hosting, I don’t mind if guests don’t bring anything, and appreciate it when they do bring something. I also don’t expect a text the next day or formal thank yous. However I get annoyed with last minute cancellations, overly casual or sports clothing for a proper party or guests not making an effort with conversation. Obviously complaining is beyond rude.

Half the problem is no matter how twattish/selfish/stupid people act, someone online will make an excuse for them.

I appreciate not everyone is from the UK on here so they may not understand why we bother with these little rules as they see them, but there are some posters on here that seem to think they don't apply to them, and that is fine, maybe their social circles are different and much more laid back than mine, or they are younger and it is genuinely different.

I don't like the comments that dismiss them as 'rules for others', and that I am inflicting them personally on my friends, only because that is simply not true. It is the way things are here, but I accept not everywhere.

It makes me wonder if others are being offensive and not aware of it, and are going through life blissfully unaware of just how rude they are....hardly the end of the world but the invites might dry up at some point when others get fed up.

@julieca No, as @Tulipomania said- I didn't make up the rules. They have evolved over centuries, and are there to 'grease the wheels' of a decent society.

For example -let's say you were walking through a door, and noticed that someone was behind you. Would you slam the door in their face? Or hold it open for them? One is good manners, the other is bad.

Or you're having a picnic. You get up from your picnic blanket to have a game of frisbee or something. When you've finished, you see that another group has laid their blanket right next to yours, and has their feet on it, even though there is plenty of space elsewhere. Is that ok? Because they wanted to put their blanket there, it doesn't matter that your comfort has been compromised? Again, one is good manners, the other is not.

Or another, more common example- a group of people is walking towards you on the pavement. They see you, but don't break the group, so you are forced to either push through them, walk in the road, or stand still so they have to flow round you. If they'd been well-mannered, they would've gone single file to pass you.

Like I said. Society runs better on all the countless little 'rules' that have been in existence for centuries. It's not a new thing that I and a selected few have invented.

I am not a great fan of fixed rules. I think values matter more and that is where real good manners spring from.
So yes you thank someone properly if they host something nice, how they do it is not I think important. You are generous with friends. If they are providing food and drink you are grateful even if its not what you really like.

@Lovelydovey

They sound very entitled.

TBH though I think people are generally so exhausted and traumatised by the past 18 months (I know I am) that socialising is really hard work. I’ve refused to let family stay over recently just because we need our weekends to crash.

I think there's something in this. Socialising almost takes "training" for many people. I was out with a club on Saturday night and really had to encourage myself to speak to people other than the ones I know best, who I'd chatted to through the whole lockdowns.

There's no excuse for rudeness and lack of gratitude though

@BoredZelda

Manners are hard to come by in general nowadays. People don't use please and thank you as they should. I often hold doors open for people and they don't say anything. Give way to people when driving and then no thank you. Children seem much less polite too. A lot of children seem to have no manners.

Nonsense. I am regularly around children and young people from all sorts of backgrounds and they all have perfectly good manners. What they don’t have is the out dated concept of what “should” happen based on centuries old rules.

Your own manners are dreadful.

@Fairylights25

‘It makes me wonder if others are being offensive and not aware of it’

This must happen all the time when people are mixing from different social circles. It took me a while to learn that I should bring a gift when visiting someone because no one told me about this when I was younger. Not all social groups in the UK send thank yous after the event, so there is potential for accidentally causing offence there. I cringe a bit when I think of my social errors when I was younger and am more forgiving with some things (but not everything- as I posted above).

Arriving late for a party is also fine in my book, and relatively normal.

But surely the late cancellations and complaining will be rude pretty much across the board and there isn’t much excuse for it.

[quote Kanaloa]@julieca

Don’t worry, not all British people expect gifts and dressing up and multiple thank yous.

If I invite people to my home I expect them to come and have a good time. The last thing I want is 30 bunches of flowers or boxes of chocolates and everyone in velvet. I hope they’d say ‘thanks for a good night’ on the way out, if they did I wouldn’t then expect a follow up thank you.[/quote]
I don't expect 30 bunches of flowers or boxes of chocolates but, for heavens sake, it is manners to take something - usually a bottle of wine or some other alcohol. One or two bunches of flowers would not go amiss either.

@Aussiegirl123456

That’s awful of them, ungrateful and people really annoy me. You sound like an amazing host

This. @Fairylights25 You do indeed sound like a great host. Your friends sound like greedy, entitled moaners...Craft beer? Let them bring their own! Who turns up at a party Empty handed? That really is taking the p*ss.

Don't bother in future, as others have said, spend your money on something you'll actually enjoy!

A total lack of common decency seems to be the default setting these days.

Frustrating, isn't it?

julieca Values are personal to you, where as manners should be present regardless of whether it suits you/fits in with your values etc. There is a difference.

Lets say I went to your house and the food was awful and brought from unethical sources, and your drinks were in plastic bottles and I only use glass because it is better for the environment.

I would always thank you for the evening, and for the food and kindness you have shown me, even though your evening may not be in line with my own personal values.

Otherwise I would not thank you, I would remind you of the damage you are doing to the planet, and that your cooking needs improvement -n drastic improvement, this would be in line with my own values. I would be true to my values. Do you think we would ever be friends again? Would you ever want to invite me for dinner ever again? I doubt it.

Manners are there to ensure that we all get along (even when we may not, and our values are wildly different). They have a very important function in society, and it is the basis for being a civilised and peaceful country. It is not perfect but it has worked for centuries.

Oh that's awful and I feel for you.
I have noticed this too. Partly that people seem rude and entitled and have lost their social skills and partly that hosting is extremely hard work and not worth the effort.
This year we are having two people over for Christmas lunch and that's it. I'm sick of hosting people, cooking, cleaning and making an effort when it isn't appreciated.

** bought

I don't notice any British people being thoughtful about going single file on the pavement when they are approaching me, it's always me and my daughter who take the trouble to do that

I agree that social rules exist in order to make things smoother, but I guess the point some of us are making is that the underlying rule (or value, as julieca puts it) is what's essential--show your gratitude to your host, for example. The specifics about how you MUST carry it out is going to vary even between individuals in the same society, much less those of us who grew up in another country. Must it really be a text the next day? Why not a hand-written thank-you note in that case? Or a phone call? Or a verbal thank-you at the door as you say good-night? Why are some of these more acceptable than the others?

Anyway, I can understand that in OP's case it's a change in behaviour from friends she's known a long time, and that probably does feel very disappointing. Maybe with time and practice they will improve.

Your friends are obviously dicks for turning up empty handed, criticising the beer etc. I imagine they've always been like this - maybe you're noticing it more because it's been a long time since regular socialising was the norm?

I mean, a comment like "so Beeswax are you still not working or doing anything with your day?'" doesn't come from nowhere, does it? People don't suddenly lose all their manners overnight.

I must say your comment about their clothes is odd though. People can wear what they like to a social occasion, surely? I wouldn't blink an eye at a friend wearing shorts to a party if that was what they were comfortable in.

Honestly OP I have mental images of you running round asking people why they aren’t having fun. “I cooked for you - have fun goddammit! Smile! Christ why is no one in a velvet dress? Does nobody appreciate me at all???”

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry I’m thinking Monica from friends. You have to put the lids on til they click. Rules control the fun.

Hear hear green think of the money and time you will save!

I have done this before, and people have asked me why are you not doing x,y and z this year etc and I have said quite openly that I felt it was expected and it would be nice for others to offer now and then.

Hosting is extremely hard work in this tough environment, and managing the evening was really exhausting and I just felt relieved to get to the end. Shut the door and said to dh never again! I am not convinced he believes me!