Bad manners/no filter/rude what has happened to lots of people?

[Fairylights25]

We held a Christmas party at our house for our friends and neighbours on Saturday night, and I wish I hadn't bothered. It was A LOT of work preparing all of the food, buying all of the drinks and decorating etc and took weeks to organise.
On the day people were texting as late as 4pm to say they had the sniffles, but negative lft so clearly not covid, but they couldn't make it (they go out all of the time so not scared of the virus) Totally rubbish excuses like a long week at work etc etc. Really I was offended by the excuses and why couldn't they have let me know in the morning? Or the day before? Or not accepted in the first place.

On the actual night many people turned up totally empty handed, extremely late in some cases, in random clothes like shorts with no effort, were rude to each other and criticising the music and a few other things like the lack of craft beer etc.
These people are (supposedly) good friends, we haven't seen them for a few months, so this is out of character for many of them, but they were barely polite and some had no filter at all. It was REALLY hard work for some reason.
Half way through I wondered why I had even thought this was a good idea to have the party, it cost so much money. I tried to make the most of it, and ensure everyone had a good time and they did I am pretty sure. People got into the swing of it, and really seemed to enjoy the evening and it ended very late at 2am - we provided everything fine wines, gorgeous food.

I have had two thank yous by text from the 30+ people that came. I feel so deflated and hurt. Am I being unreasonable to expect at least a thank you text message?

I don't think I will ever host another party after this :(

I think it is a bit them, and a bit you.
Your expectations seem very high e.g. expecting people to dress up. If I was invited to a party at a friends I would expect those who like to dress up to dress up, and other people not to. I don't think it is assumed that people will have to dress up.
In terms of a text to thank you, did people thank you in the evening? If they did, then I think that is fine. You don't have to text afterwards as well.
The craft beer comment was rude. Did you say you were providing everything? If yes some people may not have realised they should have brought a small gift. I know I was rude when I was younger as my parents didn't socialise at all and I had to learn this stuff.
It sounds like the party was slow to get going, but that it went well and people enjoyed it.
If you organise a party again go for a much more casual affair with minimal effort and ask people to bring a bottle. That way you will enjoy it and not feel resentful.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

I think it means more the day after when people are sober and have reflected on the evening.

Reflected on the evening? Are you on a wind up? Come on it was a house party, it wasn’t a wedding! 😂 you seriously expect your guests to go home and spend Sunday morning reminiscing about how wonderful a host you are?

Clearly not what I meant.

As in get up the next day and remember how lovely it was to see my mates, have a few drinks and a laugh. Then message to that end. It's not difficult.

@Shodan

One thing I've noticed (and there are a fair few people on this thread who are like this tbh) is that very few people know how to be a 'good guest' these days.

I was brought up to believe that if you accepted someone's invitation, you turned up, with a gift of some sort (depending on event, it could be a bottle of wine, or a plate of food, or something for the bbq.
Flowers, sometimes, too.) in acknowledgement of the effort that the host/ess had made on your behalf.

You don't cancel on the day unless it's an extreme circumstance - not feeling like it isn't a good enough reason. Nor must you cancel if a 'better' invitation turns up.

Likewise, you don't pitch up in the clothes you'd slob around in at home, or those you'd wear on a beach or going for a jog. Unless, of course, the host/ess had told you this was the kind of event you were attending.

While you're at the party, you make conversation- it doesn't have to be deep and philosophical, but it does have to be polite.

And it should go without saying (although apparently it does need to be said!)- you say thank you. On leaving, and the next day, by text/email/phone call.

They may be 'rules' , but they're hardly onerous. Society runs on countless little 'rules'; it's really not hard. And if those few things are too much to cope with, you shouldn't be accepting party invitations.

OP I sincerely hope that your friends revert to their normal well-mannered selves at some point. If they don't, I'd suggest only inviting them to BYO craft beer BBQs, and make new friends with some manners.

it's sad that this has to be spelt out

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz you are always going to be disappointed as you seem to have very fixed ideas of how people should behave.

@Fairylights25

I don't mind my friends not coming, I don't mind if they are feeling unable to cope with socialising and would never judge them for that. I don't mind supporting friends in a way that feels comfortable to them. What I do mind is someone texting me at 4.15pm with the lamest excuse as to why they are not coming. My life is too short for this nonsense.

This wouldn’t bother me, unless it was a special event and only a select few were invited (like a birthday meal). A party to which I’d invited a wider selection of people, I’d expect a couple of these flakes on the day especially if they were friends I wasn’t as close to. I don’t think this is particularly egregious.

Very poor form not to at least send a text afterwards to say Thank You.

I don't agree with posters who say that saying thank you when you leave is sufficient. It's not. It's bad manners not to send a message afterwards and I would judge you for it.

@shodan they are "rules" that you and a few people have made up.

Shodan's post is spot on.

Does anyone else on here think that the party was actually a success, given the circumstances? It sounds like there were plenty of non rude people who had a good time (and probably brought a bottle and said thank you upon leaving?) I wouldn't hold people's dress against them, lockdown has knocked a lot of dress sense out of people.

I'd love to come to a party hosted by you, it sounds amazing. It also sounds, going by what you said about your upbringing, that feeling appreciated for your hosting skills is very important to you and tied up with your sense of self-worth. For some people, hosting and party manners aren't something they think about much.

Why not have a small selective gathering for your birthday, with people who are thoughtful? Would that be a win-win?

Not made up rules - good etiquette that has evolved over generations.

Maybe if nothing else, if others on this thread are going to a house party or dinner in the next three weeks, this at least offers a list of what to avoid and how important it is to make people feel appreciated, and also the work involved behind the scenes to try and offer a lovely evening.

Maybe I have by default helped other people's relationships a little. It feels crap and thankless if people don't bother to send as much as a text, really it does.

Not everyone knows your idea of "good etiquette!.
Why is thanking someone as you leave the party not okay?

[quote julieca]@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz you are always going to be disappointed as you seem to have very fixed ideas of how people should behave.[/quote]
I absolutely notice manners and when others don't take time and effort for granted. Other than that very easily pleased

I am not English and I will be honest I bloody hate stuff like this. All these hidden rules that no one tells you and then you get labelled rude for it. I always thank people when I leave a party or occasion, but a text afterwards, no. I don't see why that makes me rude.
Posts like this just make me want to not socialise with anyone English. Its such bloody hard work.

julieca I have had parties for the last twenty years, I can assure you I don't make up the rules, it is common courtesy at least around here to send a message of thanks and has been for decades!

It is not my expectations, but one that has always been observed to now. As shodan said, certainly in the UK this kind of etiquette has evolved for generations.

Well I have parties and English people always thank me as I leave, but few text the next day. Maybe this is another class thing?

If you were at my party julieca and did not text, especially given you are not English I would not a bat an eyelid, and would not be in the least bit offended. If you have however been coming to my parties for 10 years or more and always sent a message of thanks, I would think it odd that you didn't this time.

I agree the etiquette of British society is not especially easy to understand, but the fact you are not from here would mean most people would never mind, and not expect you to know. You have the perfect excuse, so you never should worry.

If that were me I would send a round Robin text to everybody citing all the poor manners examples and pointing out you wont be holding any more parties in future.

@Fairylights25

The request for craft beer came from one of the people that brought nothing at all. The entitlement was pretty breathtaking.

That is really bad manners. So spoilt.

Maybe, julieca. I'm not British either and had no idea it was an unspoken requirement to text the next day--I thought a sincere thank you and show of appreciation at the party itself was the norm, obviously I was wrong but it's very confusing if that's not the "rule" you were brought up with!

OP I'm sorry it was so disappointing for you, I wonder if things will settle down a bit in another year or two and people get back to being more relaxed and pleasant at social gatherings?

Maybe don't catastrophize about this being a permanent change in society (not saying you're necessarily doing that, but some of the comments on the thread do sound that way ;-)), just cut people some slack for it being a difficult time still.

Cancel the big birthday party and do something fun with your nearest and dearest instead, give it a bit more time before you decide to host, maybe someone else will host in the meantime while people get a little more back to normal

I was brought up to to send a thank you when you were not able to say it in person, so for a present that was sent in the post etc. If you have said an effusive thank you at the time then a follow up note or text isn’t necessary.
The moaning at the party really is bad manners though. Are these close enough friends that you can say next time you see them “ blimey, I may never host another party after your moaning at the last one” ?

@julieca

Don’t worry, not all British people expect gifts and dressing up and multiple thank yous.

If I invite people to my home I expect them to come and have a good time. The last thing I want is 30 bunches of flowers or boxes of chocolates and everyone in velvet. I hope they’d say ‘thanks for a good night’ on the way out, if they did I wouldn’t then expect a follow up thank you.

I am supposed to be going to a party next weekend of a friend (she was also at the party on Sat) and I feel sorry for her, she told me she is already stressed as only 10% have bothered to reply.

@Guacamole001

If that were me I would send a round Robin text to everybody citing all the poor manners examples and pointing out you wont be holding any more parties in future.

😂

Yes please do this.

Item #1, two people in shorts
Item #2, five late arrivals
Item #3, I did not receive adequate gifts
Item #4, only 3 follow up thank you texts
Item #5, someone asked for craft beer - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

OK, it sounds like it was a lovely party and it was very kind of you to go to so much trouble to host your friends, OP. However, I think you had some expectations that your friends just aren't able to meet at the moment, probably due to the last couple of years.

I'm sure they didn't mean to fail to do things the way they used to, but might just be overwhelmed with the pressure to do anything social right now.

It's not your fault but for the moment, for many people. life has changed and we all have to relax our expectations a little bit.

Not dressing up for a party at Christmas is a shame, but thinking right now, myself, maybe I wouldn't know where to start. What do people wear now? Not sure. Do my clothes fit? Pretty sure that's a no. I wouldn't have been like this in the past.

When I'm with people now I actually tell them that I'm struggling for things to say at times because I've become unused to speaking face to face. I don't know if that helps - I hope it does.

I would remember to bring something and I would never be critical of anything that a host offers.

To be honest though, I would thank a person hosting a party in person, I would never at any point thought it also necessary to text the next day, nor would I have had that expectation if I was hosting. But I'm not British or living in Britain so things may be a bit different.