Moral dilemma about xmas

[WouldIBeATwat]

I’ve had a hell of a time of it over the past 2 years (NHS worker blah blah blah), DC struggling with lockdowns, trying to look after parents and DH and everything else. Over the summer I realised something had to change and applied for a job (out of NHS) and got it.

I started that job last week, having no time off between ending the last job. It’s a completely new sector and I’m absolutely shattered.

Leave year runs Jan -Dec and because I’ve started in Dec I only have 2.5 days of leave. I assumed these would need to be used for the Xmas bank holidays and I would need to work between Xmas and new year. All fine.

My husband said he would take DC to visit his family (5 hours away) that week. I said I wouldn’t come as I would need to work, his family is huge and rowdy and I know I would not be able to work with them around.

I don’t really want to go there anyway, which brings me to the point.

I’ve found out that I don’t need to use my leave to cover the bank holidays. So I have 2 days leave to use during the 3 working days between Xmas and new year. I have been offered the third unpaid if I want the week off. Or I can work if I prefer and carry the extra 2 days into next year (which then would match my entitlement from the NHS).

So, would I be unreasonable not to tell DH that I could, in fact, take the time off and go with them and instead take a few days for myself (letting him think I was working) given I’ve worked non-stop for almost 2 years. He has taken breaks and trips on his own over that time leaving me with DC, including 2 weeks in the summer. I have not had any breaks on my own.

I may still work between Xmas and new year and carry the leave. 🤔

YABU - you shouldn’t take this much needed but sneaky break to recharge your batteries
YANBU - do it.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

It’s just that his focus on his need to train is at the expense of everything else and someone needs to feed/look after the kids while he does.

There is no just about that. That is an enormous demand he is making on you. He owes you. And yet he takes it for granted that you will do it, and so do you. When did his needs get to be so much more important than yours? And how is training really a "need"? He cycles for a living?

Between working flat out and home schooling it’s become rather unmanageable and we’re struggling to find time for doing what we want rather than the basics of what has to be done.

We are not struggling at least not to the same extent. You are making far more effort than he is, while he doesn't seem to notice or care how much you do. And he is doing what he pleases.

I guess I’ve been caring for everyone else non-stop for so long that I’ve forgotten how to say no and do something just for myself.

Well you said it. Why isn't he caring for you? Admittedly he doesn't sound the type, but then again you don't have to stay with him if he's always going to be so selfish. As a mother you need a caring husband just as much as he needs a caring wife.

[LittleOwl153]

When DH said he would take DC to his family (they are desperate to see their cousins who they haven’t seen for well over 2 years) I expected it would be from 27th/28th to 31st but it seems he’s discussed going practically as soon as the last mouthful of xmas dinner is eaten until 2nd Jan, meaning I miss all of the bank holidays with DC and spend new year on my own. (We’ve never not seen new year in without all of us together.)

This wouldn't wash with me. I know you weren't asking that but leaving you alone working for the whole bank holiday period to me is nasty and suggests he has checked out anyway. I would say they can go late 26th/early 27th but they are to be back by lunchtime on 31st so you can spend New Year together.

It worries me OP that your tween kids (I have 1 myself) are being taken away from their mother - who does most of their day to day care - into a family who treats them as second class citizens at all, let alone for special times of the year. Thats not a great influence on young minds.

In terms of your leave it would depend on how busy you expect to be and what other plans you could make. I would probably work the time unless it was frantic (lines you up for similar favours next year perhaps if you work this?) Or you could make good plans for the time. But I certainly wouldn't let 'd'h being upset about it bother you. Sounds like he is only interested in himself anyway. And if you feel you need to lie to achieve it then again he doesnt seem to be that bothered about you so...

[MumW]

I think I'd work to get out of visiting PIL without the emotional blackmail and use the extra 2 days to take a long weekend away on my own. DH can't argue if he's already taken a two week break and left the DC with you.

[SueSaid]

'I’ve spent the last 104 weeks with my DC.'

Well done. That is however fairly normal when you're a parent .

I don't get it tbh. Lie, stay at home whatever just stop trying to justify it with your cycling moans.

[FetchezLaVache]

I do think however (and I'm aware that I'm projecting massively) that he will sabotage your break if you tell him the truth

I think this too. Is that why you are considering not telling him?

FWIW, I think YANB in any way U. Like fuck would I squander a potential break on such unpleasant people and I really have a problem with your DH's inability to see your POV on... well, anything, really.

[Dontbeme]

I would take the holidays and use one of the days to chat through my options with a therapist and a solicitor. The balance seems very off in your marriage OP, you seem to be an afterthought to your husband, there to facilitate what he wants only.

[WouldIBeATwat]

@JaniieJones

'I’ve spent the last 104 weeks with my DC.'

Well done. That is however fairly normal when you're a parent .

I don't get it tbh. Lie, stay at home whatever just stop trying to justify it with your cycling moans.

I think you’re missing the point. I have been here for my DC for 104 weeks constant. He has been away without them for 6 of those weeks. It is not a level playing field.

[rookiemere]

Have you expressed any surprise to DH that he wants to take away the DC to his DPs for so long? As you say it does seem as if he hasn't considered you being on your own for NYE etc in this.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Do it. I'd agree with some of the disapproving here that your marriage is not healthy. However you're not about to repair it right now, all by yourself. Plus I don't think some people realize that there are times when you literally cannot bear to heap more stress on yourself, especially when it can be neatly avoided.

Of course stay home. And if you get "caught"? Tell him you're on call and you've only been home a few hours.

But I will think you very unreasonable if you don't plan to make it a very luxe break for yourself. Don't just sleep and eat biscuits, really try to pamper yourself and enjoy the peace and quiet. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas x

[Justheretoaskaquestion91]

I think you’re missing the point. I have been here for my DC for 104 weeks constant. He has been away without them for 6 of those weeks. It is not a level playing field

Him being a bit absent doesn’t make it ok for you to then be absent and lie about it. It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.

The children aren't heading off to a work camp. They're going to be with family, including cousins their own age. They'll be fine. And their mother will be getting some much-needed rest meaning that she will be refreshed and happier when they come home.

[WouldIBeATwat]

@rookiemere

Have you expressed any surprise to DH that he wants to take away the DC to his DPs for so long? As you say it does seem as if he hasn't considered you being on your own for NYE etc in this.

Of course. He said as he hadn’t taken DC there in so long he wants to make sure he sees absolutely everyone (his family is huge - he’s one of 5) whilst there. I have said I’m not happy with the length of it (neither are DC who want to be home by NYE at the latest) and asked him to arrange things to be back at a reasonable time on the 31st.

I know this is an impossible task because they’re the sort of people who make other arrangements despite knowing you are coming and agreeing the time. You usually find out after 2 hours standing outside their house waiting for them to get back.

[OhamIreally]

@JaniieJones

'Him being a bit absent doesn’t make it ok for you to then be absent and lie about it. It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.'

Exactly. He goes cycling, so what. Maybe try a hobby rather than lying to him and your kids so you can sit on your arse for a week?

Did you miss the bit where she has worked non-stop throughout the pandemic and is exhausted? Nothing wrong with taking a it of downtime and nothing right with killing yourself.

There's another thread where women have been hospitalised due to burnout. If they'd "sat on their arses" a bit more they might not have reached that stage.

Where do you get off telling a woman she can't have a break? Nasty.

[SueSaid]

'Nothing wrong with taking a it of downtime'

Of course there isn't. It's the telling fibs that is wrong isn't it?

[FetchezLaVache]

Is there any chance your kids could get a train home by themselves so they can see in the new year with you?

[WouldIBeATwat]

@FetchezLaVache

Is there any chance your kids could get a train home by themselves so they can see in the new year with you?

Not a chance. Would take over 8 hours with 4 changes. Not how I want them ending the year. They aren’t teenagers yet.

(Plus high risk that iPads etc would get left on a train/platform somewhere.)

[CrimbleCrumble1]

Could you tell your husband you will have to work one or two days so can’t go to his family but will be off on 1st then maybe he’ll shorten his trip with the DC?

[timeisnotaline]

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

I think you’re missing the point. I have been here for my DC for 104 weeks constant. He has been away without them for 6 of those weeks. It is not a level playing field

Him being a bit absent doesn’t make it ok for you to then be absent and lie about it. It isn’t great to lie to your children either tbh.

A bit? How many people have had 6 weeks away from family for hobbies not work in two years? I haven’t had that the entire nearly 7 years I’ve been a parent and nor has dh. Give the op a break, her dh sure gives himself plenty of them.

[GettingItOutThere]

I would not lie. But i absolutely would not go!

fuck that, enjoy a break. Can he not go boxing day and come back new years eve?!

[C8H10N4O2]

our marriage is not conventional. Its much more a legal agreement than a “can’t live without you” kind of relationship. (Would have done a civil partnership had it been available then.) We’ve always been very independent and had separate interests/money/routines/our own space. We have some shared interests and enjoy each others’ company (mostly) and have built a life together. Wasn’t an issue when it was just us. Having DC obviously changed how much free time we had but it’s been pretty even overall, until Covid. Between working flat out and home schooling it’s become rather unmanageable and we’re struggling to find time for doing what we want rather than the basics of what has to be done

TBH your relationship doesn't sound remotely equitable.

You have been 20 yrs with this man and he seriously thinks is fine for you to pick up a 100% of the slack without a break for 2 years whilst he goes of on jollies? How many times has he said to you "go away for a weekend for yourself" in that time? How many times have you felt able to demand this?

Similarly with the iLs. After 20 years he can't see it? He thinks its ok to just agree plans like this with them without a discussion about getting back for NY?

My FiL was a nightmare, its not an accident that in the latter years he saw very little of his D/SiLs and his DC took grandchildren for visits etc without partners. All his DC understood this, D/SiLs did family events etc but not leisure trips because he was so difficult. If your DH doesn't get this after 20 yrs then he isn't paying attention, this isn't such a rare scenario.

You may want to think about the next 20 years and if you are happy to continue being the default parent when one of the DC is theoretically an adult.

[WouldIBeATwat]

@GettingItOutThere

I would not lie. But i absolutely would not go!

fuck that, enjoy a break. Can he not go boxing day and come back new years eve?!

That’s what I’ve suggested. Although I’d like to have them home on Boxing Day if at all possible. Feels like I’ll barely see them otherwise. (They go back to school on 3rd Jan.)