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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PSA to all grandparents

352 replies

PigeonLittle · 05/12/2021 14:05

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like".

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself?

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents.

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set?

It feels like a lot on this year.

OP posts:
HolidayTime2021 · 05/12/2021 15:36

Never got 4 identical gifts from 4 family members who know the children very well then?

Clearlynotmyname · 05/12/2021 15:36

OP I 100% agree. I work FT yet still seem to be expected to all the xmas legwork and thinking for all the retired grandparents. Why can't they have a conversation with their GCs, do some research, and then check with me or DH just before they buy to avoid duplicates? Instead I have to do all of it, at a time of year when there is just so much on, drives me mad.
Avoiding doubling up is no excuse for it all to be on the parents (read: mother)

Cattipuss · 05/12/2021 15:37

Relatives usually send me links of stuff they have found or ask to check he doesn't already have it. They know him well and his likes and dislikes, but haven't memorised all of his toys to be honest.

XelaM · 05/12/2021 15:40

You sound so miserable and entitled. It's hardly a huge imposition to tell the grandparents what the kids might like for Christmas. I do it and it's totally normal. Ensures the kids get something they like from their Santa list and grandparents bear the cost.

Sennedd · 05/12/2021 15:40

I, too, know my grandchildren very well but still ask for ideas. Why? They often want items for their sporting activities and I would rather get it right than for their parents to have the fuss of returning stuff. Then if it is clothes, there is the issue of sizing. I ask early enough for this not to become a Christmas chore. I suspect the original poster is feeling overloaded and at the end of her tether!

violetskiss · 05/12/2021 15:42

I don’t have DC’s yet but my MIL is a nightmare for doing this with my DH. She interrogates me for a list of what he wants and expects to be told exact items with links (rather than just - “a new frying pan” etc.) It’s SO annoying and time consuming.

Yirk · 05/12/2021 15:43

Make your minds up...you tell us dont buy anymore plastic crap...we haven't got space for it...most suggestions are met with " they don't like/ aren't into that anymore, please don't buy them clothes they won't wear what you pick!!, they have enough sweets/ books/ etc.
If you ask the grandkids what they would like the reply is usually " i Donna no" end of conversation.
So from now on here is some money kids, get your own🧑‍🎄🎄

Unsure33 · 05/12/2021 15:44

I really don’t think that’s fair. I know what my grandchildren like but I don’t know every single toy they have or what their parents are buying them . I don’t want to clutter house up with unwanted toys .

I do give vouchers for days out then people forget them or lose them .

Sometimes grandparents can’t win

ArabellaScott · 05/12/2021 15:44

@BurningTheClocks

Make a list, send it to them in October and job done. Otherwise there will be duplication, disappointment and unhappiness. Or ask for money.
It seems a good idea, only I wonder if it doesn't sound a bit grabby and presumptuous?
IdrisElbow · 05/12/2021 15:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Faevern · 05/12/2021 15:45

Are there no DH or DPs in these households? How come they are not sorting presents and gifts for other grandparents and family members?

I realise if you’re on your own this will be one more chore but if you are a couple are you doing it all? If so is it really the grandparents that are the problem?

SofiaMichelle · 05/12/2021 15:49

@XelaM

You sound so miserable and entitled. It's hardly a huge imposition to tell the grandparents what the kids might like for Christmas. I do it and it's totally normal. Ensures the kids get something they like from their Santa list and grandparents bear the cost.
Absolutely agree.

Woe betide anyone generously trying to buy the right present for your PFB. Confused

You don't realise how ungrateful and entitled you sound, OP, but looks like lots of others think the same, so what do I know...

ThePoisonousMushroom · 05/12/2021 15:49

@Faevern

Are there no DH or DPs in these households? How come they are not sorting presents and gifts for other grandparents and family members?

I realise if you’re on your own this will be one more chore but if you are a couple are you doing it all? If so is it really the grandparents that are the problem?

My DH would be happy to deal with these requests, but they always come to me. No doubt because I’m a woman.
YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 05/12/2021 15:50

My grandson is 3. When I ask him what he wants for Christmas he says "presents" so not very helpful. And I babysit him every Saturday. So I ask my son what he likes. My son tells me Paw Patrol. When I find something I send a pic to make sure its not something he already has or is not something they are planning to get. My son will also send me links to things he would like. It's really not that hard, and its not ALWAYS the Mum being "burdened" like people are saying. My son has no problem with our arrangement. When my dgs is older and will actually tell me things (besides "presents") I will still check with my son that is something that is okay to get.

Sirzy · 05/12/2021 15:54

My grandson is 3. When I ask him what he wants for Christmas he says "presents" so not very helpful. Grin

My sister asked my son (who is 12 but autistic) and he told her “if you where a good Aunty you wokld know me well enough to not have to ask” Grin my sister was pleased I provided her some ideas!

MargotsBumpyNight · 05/12/2021 15:54

I have the opposite issue. They ask what to buy, I tell them what to buy, they ignore and buy a load of tat anyway.

Disfordarkchocolate · 05/12/2021 15:55

Last Christmas I was nearly in tears with this and I was only sending money to people from people. It was actually about 20 transactions in the end and very stressful.

Faevern · 05/12/2021 15:58

See if my MIL asked me to send a link for her son and I didn’t have time I would say no. If my MIL sent gifts to my house I wouldn’t wrap them, that would be down to my DP, it’s his mother. If requests came to me I would pass them to DP.

If his family ended up without a card or gift that’s down to him, my DSIL is the same, she won’t organise for my BIL either.

MazzleDazzle · 05/12/2021 15:59

My DM & DMIL go one step further: they give me the money and expect me to handover presents in exchange! They wrap them and hand them back. They refuses to shop for the presents themselves, even with a list!

NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 16:00

Why can’t any of you just say no?

VexedofVirginiaWater · 05/12/2021 16:02

I did this for my parents and inlaws thirty odd years ago when mine were kids - I thought it was just what you did for all the reasons listed above. Yes, it was a busy time of life - isn't it for everyone? Our main problem was that PIL used to ask us to get stuff and forget to pay - and (now ex) DH was shy of reminding them - now that WAS a problem.

I don't have grandchildren but I do usually send money to my nephew for my great nephew. This year I couldn't resist and sent him a couple of toys for his birthday I thought he might like, but I do wonder if he already had them. I have got a couple more ready for Christmas but will send some money too, and in future will probably just stick to the money.

dizzygirl1 · 05/12/2021 16:03

Not read the thread but yes, so much yes I agree with you!
My parents have no relationship with the kids.... see them once or twice a year, only when we visit, they haven't made the effort to visit in 11 years.... ds is 12.
It's just exhausting,

Redcrayons · 05/12/2021 16:04

The world of difference between ‘I want to buy this logo set, do they already have it’ or ‘x says he’s want these football boots, what size shall I Get’ to ‘tell me what they want for Xmas’.

  1. A minutes worth of thinking time
  2. Loads of my time trawling through Amazon coming up with ideas in various budgets
I work full time, GPs are retired. I haven’t got the headspace for anyone else’s Christmas shopping. When they’re really little and want the entire Argos catalogue it’s easy enough to come up with a list. Try it at 12 plus when they just want one expensive thing.
twocandlelady · 05/12/2021 16:04

A-fucking-men!!! We have enough to worry about without making life easier for you.

nokidshere · 05/12/2021 16:05

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like". Or maybe you could just ask them in September to get a specific toy or ask your child to send grandma a list if they are older.

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself? Maybe if you stopped saying I'm over involved every time I ask to see the children I would be more inclined to do this.

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe. Poor you.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers. Well no, you really don't have to. Why can't your DH and/or child take some of that burden?

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents. Well their likes change frequently and how am I to know if I am doubling up if I don't know what everyone else is buying?

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own. I'd rather you just told me what to get then I can't be moaned at for getting it wrong.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set? What? And risk you moaning that I should know without asking?

It feels like a lot on this year. Christmas is always full on every year.

I'm neither a grandma nor a MIL but really, they just can't win can they. The amount of posts on here moaning that they do the wrong thing, they do too much, too little, too involved, not involved enough, don't ask what they want, ask too many questions.. it's a bloody minefield. It's Christmas, you are busy they know that but they can't do right for doing wrong. Maybe grown up children should be less stressed, less demanding of what other people do and learn to communicate their needs more and stop being so bloody irritated at every little thing. Buying and wrapping one extra present per child isn't so difficult if you are out shopping already or ordering from Amazon when you are ordering other things. Or just say, nicely, I'm sorry I'm stretched for time this year, the children would like x could you sort it yourself please.

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