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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PSA to all grandparents

352 replies

PigeonLittle · 05/12/2021 14:05

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like".

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself?

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents.

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set?

It feels like a lot on this year.

OP posts:
ouchmyfeet · 06/12/2021 14:21

Bloody hell a lot of people here not understanding the concept of the straw that breaks the camel's back. It's not one tiny little request for an idea for Christmas that's the issue. It's the whole package of relentless shite.

snowballer · 06/12/2021 14:25

@SSOYS

Only on MN would asking someone what a child would like for Christmas be considered "pathetic and thoughtless".
Only on MN are you supposed to be falling down with gratitude for doing someone else's Christmas shopping for them, in addition to your own and the 101 other things you have to do in December.
snowballer · 06/12/2021 14:27

As I and a ton of others have already said, think of a present and check the child doesn't already have it. That's a moment's work for the mother of said child. Asking "what shall I buy" transfers all the mental labour of it to the mother. I say mother, because it's always the mother.

XelaM · 06/12/2021 14:34

@Clearlynotmyname is obviously the only person in the world who has a job and kids. She's just SO BUSY. I'm a single parent with a demanding full time job, lots of pets (including a dog and a horse) and I think it's absolutely lovely my parents ask me what my daughter would want for Christmas. I know my daughter would love matching Le Mieux saddle pad/fly hood/base layer/silk for Christmas. It's the only thing she would truly love. My parents (not being horsey people) would have absolutely no clue what that was if I didn't point them in the right direction

ouchmyfeet · 06/12/2021 14:34

@fakereview

Controversial I know, but why do kids have to have "exactly what they want"? You all keep talking about entitled mums but this is just fostering entitlement in children. Christmas isn't an ordering service

yes but what's the point of getting something you don't want? It's a waste of money and resources and time.

the parents have to do ALL the work of coming up with ideas, thinking about budget, finding specific items and communicating out to all parties, then fielding a billion follow up questions

so much fussing here over nothing. Example:

Random relative: What would ds like for Christmas.

Me: Oh he really likes Breo trains stuff and Dr Who. I'll send you some links.

Takes about 5 mins to find some links and send.

Well we do agree on one thing. It absolutely is a huge waste of resources and time. I would love nothing more than to knock the whole palaver on the head and never have to think about it again.
Original poster
PigeonLittle · 06/12/2021 14:47

Only on MN are you supposed to be falling down with gratitude for doing someone else's Christmas shopping for them, in addition to your own and the 101 other things you have to do in December. @snowballer

Spot on.

For a myriad of reasons we are not managing well this year. I wont list them as people enjoy calling you pathetic when you say what you are struggling to cope with. If it was easy, if it was 2 minutes, of course I would do it. And in fact I am still doing it.

As I have written, my children are blessed and well supported. I can't buy a relationship for them. I want my children to have what you would want them to have. They have enough of me pulling sunshine and rainbows out of my arse for the past 2 years making fun and magic and excitement out of lockdowns and home-schooling.

It's been a bloody lot. It would be nice if somewhere, this need to provide a gift from someone to someone else was not solely my responsibility. I am only a middle man between you. I am not your personal shopping assistant. My OP was a genuine plea - if you don't know what your grandchildren would like, resolve to make that change in 2022.

If this thread doesn't resonate with you, great. If you're happy you're doing the right thing and it suits you all, great. Many on this thread are like me and are finding this system isn't working. It's too much pressure.

OP posts:
SSOYS · 06/12/2021 14:54

@snowballer There is a middle ground, surely? Can't get my head round how people get so angry over such tiny things.

nokidshere · 06/12/2021 15:06

It's been a bloody lot. It would be nice if somewhere, this need to provide a gift from someone to someone else was not solely my responsibility. I am only a middle man between you. I am not your personal shopping assistant. My OP was a genuine plea - if you don't know what your grandchildren would like, resolve to make that change in 2022.

I hear you and empathise. However, You also need to make your own 2021 resolve that this is the last time you take responsibility for other peoples shopping. Tell them what you have told us here, clearly, concisely, politely. Then disengage from it.

snowballer · 06/12/2021 15:13

[quote SSOYS]@snowballer There is a middle ground, surely? Can't get my head round how people get so angry over such tiny things.[/quote]
Yes there is, as I posted below. Here again:

As I and a ton of others have already said, think of a present and check the child doesn't already have it. That's a moment's work for the mother of said child. Asking "what shall I buy" transfers all the mental labour of it to the mother. I say mother, because it's always the mother.

TriceratopsRocks · 06/12/2021 15:17

OP, I am totally with you on this. It's a chore having to research everyone elses gifts as well as your own. For years, I had to think up presents for both sets of grandparents and my brother to buy for my kids, often actually buying them on their behalf, or at least sending a link to the specific item. I usually ended up running out of enough ideas to give anything except money and small bits to open from DH and me, while our relatives gave the kids all the decent presents I had thought of.

Clearlynotmyname · 06/12/2021 15:19

If this thread doesn't resonate with you, great. If you're happy you're doing the right thing and it suits you all, great. Many on this thread are like me and are finding this system isn't working. It's too much pressure
Hear hear, thank you OP for starting this thread. I'm stepping away as it's too emotive and yes I am too busy (and I think I'm the only person in the world who is apparently Hmm), except to reply to the PP who asked where I got my "ideas" about this generation of mothers working more hours than previous: data.

SSOYS · 06/12/2021 15:21

@snowballer your reply doesn’t relate to anything I’ve said. My objection was to someone describing their own loved ones as “pathetic and thoughtless” for asking for gift ideas. That’s really horrible and demonstrates a massive lack of perspective.

Couldn’t care less whether you’re happy to provide people with ideas or not- that’s up to you. But tell them, not me.

TriceratopsRocks · 06/12/2021 15:24

Oh, and it's still happening even though they are teenagers. E.g. I've just had an email from my mum. DS had asked her for a headset for christmas, for PC gaming. My dad had picked out a set of call centre headphones and she was asking if these were ok. I then had to take time to reply, tell her exactly what he needs (as in a PC gaming headset, not an office headset) and send her links to the sort of ones he uses, suggesting brands etc. It takes time that I don't necessarily have. And when they are perfectly capable of doing their own internet research, I begrudge having to do it for them.

Werehamster · 06/12/2021 15:27

If this thread doesn't resonate with you, great. If you're happy you're doing the right thing and it suits you all, great. Many on this thread are like me and are finding this system isn't working. It's too much pressure.

But, you need to talk to them not us about this. People aren't mind-readers and they don't know that it's a hassle for you to do this unless you speak up and say so. I had a conversation with my parents in November about Christmas and what to do about presents this year. Being a mummy martyr about it all isn't helping anyone.

Madabootcats · 06/12/2021 15:30

Only on MN are you supposed to be falling down with gratitude for doing someone else's Christmas shopping for them, in addition to your own and the 101 other things you have to do in December.

It's not about gratitude, although personally as someone who was a lone parent with no money I was indeed very very grateful my parents wanted to spend theirs on their GC. There will be lots of lone parents out there with no family or money who's kids won't be getting a mountain of presents, so yes a little gratitude might be in order.

Now the GC are teens and my parents are getting old I have to do all their online shopping for them. They wouldn't have a clue what to buy teens in 2021 they were born in the 1940's fgs. Its a couple of hours once a year, not much of a sacrifice, they're my parents. We'll all be in their shoes one day. I hope my kids don't get annoyed at me if I ask for help buying their family gifts Hmm.

Original poster
PigeonLittle · 06/12/2021 15:34

@Werehamster

If this thread doesn't resonate with you, great. If you're happy you're doing the right thing and it suits you all, great. Many on this thread are like me and are finding this system isn't working. It's too much pressure.

But, you need to talk to them not us about this. People aren't mind-readers and they don't know that it's a hassle for you to do this unless you speak up and say so. I had a conversation with my parents in November about Christmas and what to do about presents this year. Being a mummy martyr about it all isn't helping anyone.

According to a lot of women on this thread there is a common expectation on a lot of Mums.

Whilst I agreed I need to sort it out for next year, what I have to do is to sort out my reaction to other people's demands. Ultimately if more people were less demanding it would really help.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 06/12/2021 15:41

Ultimately if more people were less demanding it would really help.

As I said upthread you can't control how other people are so this isn't going to happen. If they are demanding then that's how they are, you only have control over what you do about It.

Thinkingthinking · 06/12/2021 15:50

Be thankful this means your kids get decent gifts as opposed to:

  • twee tat
  • plastic crap which breaks immediately
  • Books from The Works Confused
Anonymouseposter · 06/12/2021 20:55

WE ARE NOT ENTITLED, WE ARE JUST FUCKING BUSY! And yes, more busy than mothers were a generation ago, AND more busy than our parents generation are now
I don't dispute that you're more busy than I am now but you are not more busy than I was a generation ago, it's exactly the same. I was working full time, doing all the school/ extra curricula activities. Starting to worry about my own parents help etc.
I remember what it was like and I know you're stressed but your tone is quite nasty.
To the poster talking about headphones, many grandparents including me wouldn't have a clue with anything technology realted-it would be really easy to get the wrong thing.

Cyrilgoggin · 06/12/2021 21:05

I love my DGC and spend lots of time with them but I don't pretend to know every toy that they've got in their toy box. If I'm buying Lego I'd rather know I'm buying them a set they don't have than them be disappointed on Christmas Day when they receive something they've already got.
Luckily their parents don't appear to think it's a chore to give me ideas or to send me a link if it's a specific item. They're not full of resentment and bitterness.

goose1964 · 06/12/2021 21:07

I know one of my grandchildren so well I could pick his present and be 100% sure he'd love it. I don't see the others as much as I'd like for various reasons and need guidance from their parents so I don't buy something they already have or something they wouldn't want.

It's easy to say spend t i me with them talk to them but if they're hundreds of miles away it's not easy and if they're small it's very hard to get them to sit still long enough to speak to them..
Therefore we need guidance from the parents.

Fomofo · 06/12/2021 21:08

Or people buying gifts on amazon and expecting you to wrap them

Pedalpushers · 06/12/2021 21:21

If it's obvious that a kid would like x then they've probably already got it or someone else has had the same idea. Same as the dads who get socks and whisky every year from everyone except it doesn't work for children. Sorry, but someone has to coordinate and they're your kids, you chose to have them and you know them best.

saraclara · 06/12/2021 21:28

If it's obvious that a kid would like x then they've probably already got it or someone else has had the same idea.

Yep.

I don't know what's more annoying. Simply asking my DD what to get DGD, or running things past her every time I think of something/see something. I suspect the latter takes up more of her time and headspace.

ancientgran · 06/12/2021 21:44

I do Christmas shopping for GC, help them choose items, buy them, wrap them and sometimes pay for them. Normally something for their mum and dad, maybe siblings, cousins, gran and graddad. Yes I help them choose a present for me, buy it and wrap it.

Not sure I'd bother if their mothers had this sort of attitude, fortunately they don't.