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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PSA to all grandparents

352 replies

PigeonLittle · 05/12/2021 14:05

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like".

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself?

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents.

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set?

It feels like a lot on this year.

OP posts:
mam0918 · 05/12/2021 16:34

I DESPISE being asked what we want - anything I can think of that my kids want I will be getting them, get your own ideas.

Same with myself when they ask what I want, I buy anything appropriately priced that I want/need as I see it and anything I can think of that I can't afford isn't appropriate to ask others for.

The whole point of a gift is the thought, that's the GIVER thinking of the recipient, not the recipient doing all the work yet my mam will say 'you just go shopping and buy things and ill give you the money afterward' but that's not a gift its another chore to do and your just expecting me to do the work of thinking up things to get.

I also learned not to answer questions because when my oldest was young my mother would ask what I was getting him for Xmas then steal all my ideas and try to outdo me. She 'beat me' to buying some pretty significant gifts (like first bike and first tablet etc...) and it just pissed me off.

Even now I will tell her specifically not to buy something when she asks my opinion (like the MASSIVE sit in battery-powered car despite us not having a garden or shed or anywhere to put it) and she won't bloody listen so why even ask in the first place?

(rhetorical question as I know it's to 'brag' about how she is getting the biggest/most expensive gift even if it's just useless).

toomuchlaundry · 05/12/2021 16:37

@mam0918 you complain that they ask, but I assume you would have complained if they had bought the sit in car, even if you hadn't had the discussion that you didn't want something like that.

Surely, it is better people buy something you know the recipient wants, otherwise it is just a waste of money and resources and will probably end up in a charity shop or landfill

JudgeJ · 05/12/2021 16:38

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

Diddums! Grandparents had the childcare, working fairies when their children, ie you, were young, life was such a breeze.

0blio · 05/12/2021 16:42

@FuzzyPuffling

I am so glad, OP, that my children are more thoughtful than you, and my grandchildren more grateful.
Me too!
anotherneutralname · 05/12/2021 16:42

I can see myself on both sides of this tbh:

  • I do ask SIL what my nieces and nephews would like (I don't see them often enough or know them well enough to get it right, and they're all older than my DC so my guesses might be very wrong!)
  • I don't mind at all coming up with ideas for generous relatives, but it does annoy the heck out of me having to wrap all the things others have sent (so I'm trying to make sure I don't do that to other people in return)

Every year I tell myself I'll get a head start with the wrapping - pretty certain this year will be no different Grin

Comtedemontecristo · 05/12/2021 16:44

You are BU to address your post to All grandparents.

JudgeJ · 05/12/2021 16:44

@WulyJmpr

Completely agree. I also take issue with being sent said presents directly from the shop without being gift-wrapped. I assume to save the purchaser wrapping money and time and take up mine instead.
As a grandparent can I also add the reverse to the list, daughter/grandaughter are coming to me and Amazon will be delivering presents here, of course they'll arrive too late for her to wrap them and 'you do a far better job of wrapping Mum!' (which is true).
mam0918 · 05/12/2021 16:46

[quote toomuchlaundry]@mam0918 you complain that they ask, but I assume you would have complained if they had bought the sit in car, even if you hadn't had the discussion that you didn't want something like that.

Surely, it is better people buy something you know the recipient wants, otherwise it is just a waste of money and resources and will probably end up in a charity shop or landfill[/quote]
They use to ask the steal all my ideas so I stopped talking to them about what I'm buying.

So now they 'ask' when it's not really a question because they'll get it anyway regardless.

I would be less annoyed about the ridiculously big gifts if they hadn't specifically been told 'NO' but they buy only the things they are deliberately told not to in BOTH versions of 'asking'.

Buying things blind wouldn't bother me anywhere near as much as being deliberately one-upped or ignored.

Greenrubber · 05/12/2021 16:51

I would much prefer my mil spent time with my kids I don't mean baby sitting etc but actually taking the time out to play and enjoy them not just putting the TV on for them and buying them shite

HomeEdHankering · 05/12/2021 16:51

YANBU

My side of the family are in a terrible habit with this, including aunts and uncles. It is difficult though, I’m pleased they want to buy the dc something nice and I don’t want to add to their mental workload.

So now I have a list ready to go for every birthday and Christmas of extra stuff I’m not getting them. I also ask if there’s anything they’d like or I can just choose something nice I think they’ll like, as a sort of hint that this is actually a nicer way to do it.

Debroglie · 05/12/2021 16:51

Isn’t it kind of the job of grandparents to help out a bit with the grandkids though?

everythingbackbutyou · 05/12/2021 16:53

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, so there ARE bigger doormats on this planet than me.

hiredandsqueak · 05/12/2021 16:54

I look after dgs whilst dd works so know what he likes and plays with. I did check with dd before buying him gifts though in case it was something she wanted to buy or she didn't want him to have. Dgs is no help, being 2 and a half, as he only wants sticker books wrapped in purple paper he says.

Helpstopthepain · 05/12/2021 16:54

One day that will be you op.

I asked my dd what to buy my dgs because I want to help her, to buy something that she wants him to have and not something unnecessary or inappropriate.
Luckily dd is really sweet and lovely and understands my intentions.

Helpstopthepain · 05/12/2021 16:57

Also just as a FYI, grandparents don’t sit around all waiting to annoy you. You seem to think that you are the busiest person to ever have lived. This is your fault, not your parents or in laws. Share the load if you aren’t coping, don’t take it out on people who have good intentions.

Sirzy · 05/12/2021 16:58

@HomeEdHankering

YANBU

My side of the family are in a terrible habit with this, including aunts and uncles. It is difficult though, I’m pleased they want to buy the dc something nice and I don’t want to add to their mental workload.

So now I have a list ready to go for every birthday and Christmas of extra stuff I’m not getting them. I also ask if there’s anything they’d like or I can just choose something nice I think they’ll like, as a sort of hint that this is actually a nicer way to do it.

But is it a nicer way to do it? I would rather someone ask and get something that the receiver actually wants than to end up with a present that won’t be used or is something that they already have.
PlumManor · 05/12/2021 17:01

I hate to tell you, it doesn’t get easier. My parents were very involved but I still get the “what can I get xx” for my DS and DD, and “what can I get your DH”

It drives me insane, I don’t even know what to get them myself without thinking for everyone else too.

Yummymummy2020 · 05/12/2021 17:02

I have to say I really appreciate being asked as this has managed to prevent a few large gifts coming into a tiny apartment that lovely as the thought was simply would not fit in any way and cause a lot of upset and stress when said presents would have to be donated to someone that can fit them. My little girl adores arty things which can be bought in the poundshop and tends to ignore a lot of toys anyway after five minutes playing with them so what we have really is ample for now. I understand the stress of constant present picking though on top of your own!

lightisnotwhite · 05/12/2021 17:03

My grandparents used to send money in card. Perfect. They had 29 grandchildren.

lightisnotwhite · 05/12/2021 17:05

I also have loads of ideas about what I and my family want but no money to pay for them all. I love when people ask. We all get what we want.

galacticpixels · 05/12/2021 17:10

My nieces make lists separate to their Santa lists that get sent out to the family. I pick an item off it to get and it gets crossed off . They have a lot of family on both sides buying for them and this prevents duplicates. It's also so easy to miss the fact that an interest has past - for example my niece was Frozen crazy last time I saw her but has gone off it on the past few months apparently.

My brother and SIL appreciate that we always buy from the list so this obviously varies from family to family. I know they prefer us to do it this way than some family members who see the list, and then buy presents that their parents have specifically said they don't want the kids having. 🤷‍♀️

nannybeach · 05/12/2021 17:12

Thought it was incredibly rude. Have just taken my youngest DGD into town, bought her school shoes and paid for them,so DD could go out with her DP. We decorated their bedroom here,with what they were "into" 3 months later, told they don't like these things anymore. They get so much at Christmas,DGD last week. Asked what she wanted,money! That's what they're both getting for Christmas as well. Yes, I do also provide free childcare,at the drop of a hat,if they're I'll, meaning an 80 mile round trip to collect them!

nannybeach · 05/12/2021 17:13

DGD Birthday last week

StillWeRise · 05/12/2021 17:17

asking for a few ideas, or even a list, so that a GP can buy, wrap and deliver a gift themselves- totally OK
sending parents a cheque and saying 'buy them something will you, from me, and wrap it'- not OK

SSOYS · 05/12/2021 17:17

Every other thread on here is people grumping about grandparents buying too many presents or the wrong stuff and not asking for pointers, and now here’s one grumping about grandparents who do ask. Perhaps they’d all be better addressed to individual family members rather than everyone but that family member!