PSA to all grandparents

[PigeonLittle]

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like".

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself?

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents.

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set?

It feels like a lot on this year.

@snowballer…yes I do know her inside and out but I still ask for present ideas so as not to duplicate or if her Mother would rather something else to put away for the spring ie scooter ,balance bike …she is only 2 .
I ALWAYS was very grateful/ relieved if I was asked for ideas for my children presents because it really helped me manage their toys situation…genuinely think that a lot of parents these days believe they are entitled and are very rude about their own parents and extended family !

@BoredZelda

My daughter’s grandparents know her really well.

They have always asked me for ideas for gifts. It’s a strange thing to get worked up about.

Agree. We see MIL once or twice a week generally, she picks up DS once a week when she can and they chat. She knows what he loves. But she doesn't know what I've brought him. She doesn't know what my family have picked. She doesn't know if there's something he's mentioned which I haven't managed to get. She doesn't know if there's something he's mentioned which I'd object to. So she's been shown the same Amazon list as him and as last to buy, I've asked her specifically to buy one item he wants and I cave no budget for and then she's picked one item off the list. For the toddlers, I said the list is there but it's very loose so feel free to ignore.

I agree with you snowballer if the kids not getting ‘exactly what they want’ from every family member is an issue then maybe your Christmas is too present-focussed. I’m not saying presents aren’t important for children, because I think they are, but if one duplicated present is that big a deal for your dc and must be avoided at all costs then you’re bringing up very materialistic children. If my dc got a duplicate from the gp (has happened) they accept that they can change it later. No big deal.

@nokidshere

am absolutely sick to the back teeth of doing it every fucking year

Then why do it?

Dysfunctional relationship with my parents, sense of obligation - that's probably a whole other thread!

I really think that there is this generation of entitled Mums on here!

WE ARE NOT ENTITLED, WE ARE JUST FUCKING BUSY! And yes, more busy than mothers were a generation ago, AND more busy than our parents generation are now. Whoever comes on here with their individual circumstances of still working a 70 hour week at 70 or whatever, OVERALL, all of the above are true. Why does the older generation refuse to accept this basic fact?

I resent being called entitled because that implies I would complain if we didn't get the gifts. We wouldn't! I can afford to buy them toys (and yes I know this does't apply to everyone), and often DCs say they don't want anything but the GPs still nag me to dream something up.

Conversely, it is some grandparents who are entitled, by wanting us to do all the present buying legwork AND wanting all the thanks and glory.

@amsadandconfused

I really think that there is this generation of entitled Mums on here! What happened to basic manners,gratitude and respect for parents who are all getting older now? I know my granddaughter inside and out but I still ask her mother,my daughter for present ideas . Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

My mum used to ask me the same thing. Of course I used to do send her suggestions, because of basic manners, respect and gratitude. Doesn’t mean it didn’t annoy me.

And before anyone asks if I'm so busy why I'm dicking around on mn at 9 on a monday instead of working - yes I absolutely should be working. This thread may have touched a nerve

@Debroglie

I agree with you snowballer if the kids not getting ‘exactly what they want’ from every family member is an issue then maybe your Christmas is too present-focussed. I’m not saying presents aren’t important for children, because I think they are, but if one duplicated present is that big a deal for your dc and must be avoided at all costs then you’re bringing up very materialistic children. If my dc got a duplicate from the gp (has happened) they accept that they can change it later. No big deal.

This is a good point, I also wonder if it’s a rite of passage to get an awful jumper or something from auntie Mabel and practice gratitude, whether it’s a lesson in “the thought that counts” or “fake it till you make it”. Useful life skills either way.

I have tried this year to ask everyone (siblings, parents) for ideas to avoid unnecessary consumption/panicky guesswork. Then added in some low-cost home made items to add my own bit of love to it. I try to think of gifts to suggest to them which they would enjoy buying (cricket bats, books, watches etc). From the kids pov, overall it’s a nice compromise if they get 3 or 4 things they asked for, some useful things and a couple of quirky surprises.

I would prefer my children to have stuff they actually want and are going to use than a bunch of crap that they have no interest in and will end up being something I have to get rid of or something that gets lost/broken/stuffed in the back of a cupboard unopened for a few years! I've had relatives buying the children things before without asking what they'd like and they've bought huge clunky toys like dolls houses that we have no space for because we already have a dolls house in out tiny little house, pain in the arse! They've been given toys that are completely age inappropriate or things like novelty bubble baths and toiletries that they can't use because of their sensitive skin!

I'd prefer my family not to waste time and money buying unwanted/unuseable things that I then have to get rid of, what's the point of that?

Sorry, but I think YABU.

When my children were young, I used to advise (at their request) my parents as to what to buy them for Christmas. My grandmother used to give me money and ask me to get something on her behalf, which I was happy to do. My in-laws used to give the children money and a book (often a book that they already had).

Now that I'm the grandparent, I appreciate input from my adult children as to what to buy for my grandchildren for Christmas and birthdays. I don't want to duplicate something that they already have.

This is a good point, I also wonder if it’s a rite of passage to get an awful jumper or something from auntie Mabel and practice gratitude, whether it’s a lesson in “the thought that counts” or “fake it till you make it”. Useful life skills either way.

Yes, absolutely.

I'd prefer my family not to waste time and money buying unwanted/unuseable things that I then have to get rid of, what's the point of that?
But they can still check before they buy surely? Doesn't mean the parents have to do ALL the work of coming up with ideas, thinking about budget, finding specific items and communicating out to all parties, then fielding a billion follow up questions. That is the issue, no one would complain about a quick check to avoid duplication or buying something that won't get used.
Also, presents are meant to be thoughtful. If you're being thoughtful you won't buy huge things for people with limited space, etc etc...

@Debroglie

I agree with you snowballer if the kids not getting ‘exactly what they want’ from every family member is an issue then maybe your Christmas is too present-focussed. I’m not saying presents aren’t important for children, because I think they are, but if one duplicated present is that big a deal for your dc and must be avoided at all costs then you’re bringing up very materialistic children. If my dc got a duplicate from the gp (has happened) they accept that they can change it later. No big deal.

Don't you think it is a terrible waste of money and resources if people get presents they don't want? My late MIL used to buy me jewellery, I don't wear jewellery so it was a total waste. I didn't know where she bought it so couldn't change it. It was costume jewellery so not like it was going to be worth much if I sold it so it sits in a box. When the children were little there were things I'd have loved and couldn't afford.

When I was a teen, my granny used to give my mum money to buy me something from her, and my mum would always buy the same thing on the basis that it was the lowest possible effort- a Clinique gift set, literally the first counter you see walking into our local John Lewis, and not something my mum would ever have considered buying me from herself. And these were my absolute favourite presents, I totally loved them, much more than whatever my mum had bought me from herself which was always something really over-thought and odd (not that I would ever have said that).

Perhaps its the age of the children but I wish they would stick to my list. I chose things the kids would enjoy and are more sustainable. They buy a lot of plastic tat, sometimes duplicated that they play with for 2 days

@Clearlynotmyname

I really think that there is this generation of entitled Mums on here!

WE ARE NOT ENTITLED, WE ARE JUST FUCKING BUSY! And yes, more busy than mothers were a generation ago, AND more busy than our parents generation are now. Whoever comes on here with their individual circumstances of still working a 70 hour week at 70 or whatever, OVERALL, all of the above are true. Why does the older generation refuse to accept this basic fact?

I resent being called entitled because that implies I would complain if we didn't get the gifts. We wouldn't! I can afford to buy them toys (and yes I know this does't apply to everyone), and often DCs say they don't want anything but the GPs still nag me to dream something up.

Conversely, it is some grandparents who are entitled, by wanting us to do all the present buying legwork AND wanting all the thanks and glory.

How have you judged how busy previous generations were? When I started work 50 years ago the standard working week was longer than it is now, holiday entitlement was lower, people had far fewer labour saving devices, there was no online shopping being delivered for us. When I was in labour with my first there was a bus strike, my pregnant midwife with back ache wanted to go home but the next shift hadn't arrived as they were all stuck with no buses, how many midwives go to work by bus nowadays? We didn't have breakfast clubs or after school clubs for our kids.

You are incredibly judgemental about things you know nothing about.

@ouchmyfeet

*The people on here having a typical MN moan have obviously forgotten that we were parents like them before we were grandparents.

They don't think we ever had any problems just like them at Christmas . No, of course we didn't*

Well perhaps you could try having some consideration for them if you have been there yourself. Wife work was fine years ago when wives didn't generally have 40 hours of paid employment to do each week. A lot of us find it stressful and vent here rather than being rude to our loved ones, regardless of how pathetic and thoughtless they are being.

When was this time when women didn't work? I'm nearly 70 I've always worked. My mother was born 100 years ago, she always worked, her mother was born in the 19th century he always worked.

We also didn't have half the things you have to help, when I was a young mum I didn't have a washing machine, central heating, a car, a freezer, a microwave, no online shopping for groceries or other things (obviously as we didn't have the internet) if I wanted to phone someone I had to get baby/children ready and go for a walk to a telephone box.

Getting in a total strop about being asked for suggestions for a Christmas present is pretty pathetic as well.

@Buyitinbamboo

Perhaps its the age of the children but I wish they would stick to my list. I chose things the kids would enjoy and are more sustainable. They buy a lot of plastic tat, sometimes duplicated that they play with for 2 days

I remember those days, something that looks big and impressive and falls to bits when they try to use it.

A lot of us find it stressful and vent here rather than being rude to our loved ones, regardless of how pathetic and thoughtless they are being.

You don't need to be rude to be assertive. You don't need to be aggressive to get your point across. You need to remember that you cannot change other people, how they think or what they do. You can only change the way in which you respond to that behaviour.

There are lots of examples on this thread, and on mn in general, of situations that could be avoided either with better communication or a shift in response. A lot of the stress isn't because of what they are doing but because of the way in which you respond to it and could be avoided. You need to ask yourself what you can do to make it less stressful for you. That might mean not answering the phone, or ignoring the thoughtlessness of the present and simply saying thanks, or learning to say no when you don't want to do something. Try it, it will change your life for the better.

@Clearlynotmyname

I'd prefer my family not to waste time and money buying unwanted/unuseable things that I then have to get rid of, what's the point of that? But they can still check before they buy surely? Doesn't mean the parents have to do ALL the work of coming up with ideas, thinking about budget, finding specific items and communicating out to all parties, then fielding a billion follow up questions. That is the issue, no one would complain about a quick check to avoid duplication or buying something that won't get used. Also, presents are meant to be thoughtful. If you're being thoughtful you won't buy huge things for people with limited space, etc etc...

My dad does think of gift ideas himself and check with me, he is recently retired and now has plenty of time on his hands to think about gift ideas and to go shopping. My mum is disabled, she's in pain most of the time and her husband is out of the house working a lot and she struggles to get out and about by herself and she is on a lot of medication and left to her own devices can pick some very odd gifts!

I really don't find it much of a chore to e-mail a link or to get the cash from mum and get her presents from the children while I'm buying my own presents for them. My children are old enough to make their own lists of things they'd like so I don't have to do anyones thinking for them! They don't always get exactly everything they want, they do hear the word "no" quite frequently! My daughter will not be getting a £150 hover board so she can breask more of her bones and my 7yr old will not be getting his own set of real power tools! They've both managed to pick a few more sensible ideas!

Controversial I know, but why do kids have to have "exactly what they want"? You all keep talking about entitled mums but this is just fostering entitlement in children. Christmas isn't an ordering service

yes but what's the point of getting something you don't want? It's a waste of money and resources and time.

the parents have to do ALL the work of coming up with ideas, thinking about budget, finding specific items and communicating out to all parties, then fielding a billion follow up questions

so much fussing here over nothing. Example:

Random relative: What would ds like for Christmas.

Me: Oh he really likes Breo trains stuff and Dr Who. I'll send you some links.

Takes about 5 mins to find some links and send.

Getting in a total strop about being asked for suggestions for a Christmas present is pretty pathetic as well I couldn't agree more.

Wife work was fine years ago when wives didn't generally have 40 hours of paid employment to do each week. A lot of us find it stressful and vent here rather than being rude to our loved ones, regardless of how pathetic and thoughtless they are being

"Wife work" - responding to straight-forward questions from family? Dear oh dear. Anyway if you think it's an imposition to have to answer because you're female, get the kids' dad to reply,

Only on MN would asking someone what a child would like for Christmas be considered "pathetic and thoughtless".

YABVVVU

I work FT with 4 dc and I'm so pleased when the grandparents ask for gift ideas as I can make sure the dc get some things on their wish list, the grandparent feels appreciated, and I don't have to deal with exchanging / storing unwanted gifts. Win win.

How hard can it be to send a few links?? Really?