Page 12 | PSA to all grandparents

MeredithGreyishblue · 05/12/2021 21:28

Oh no. My mother in law is fab. She buys the kids gifts they love. And because they haven't come from my mind, they're different and thoughtful and original. She never buys tat and, in the main, the kids are delighted with her ideas. It's entirely possible. My mum, however, gives it zero thought and zero effort and gets the hump if hers isn't the hero present.

In response to another poster who asked - if I brought it up again, I'd get pass-agg comments and lots of noise about not being clever enough and them ending up with something from Tesco if I don't do it and sighing. Then the tears. Then the silent treatment. Then my DH will get blamed somehow.
I do it because the alternative is worse. But doesn't mean I have to be happy about it!

MiddleParking · 05/12/2021 21:32

@dotsandco

^*I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.*^

You sound very busy, angry and stressed OP, which is sad...but for perspective, please don't assume that grandparents are not similarly busy and stressed! Maybe your parents/in-laws are not, but many of us are! Me, for example! I work too...over 70 hours a week, and often more! As a deputy head in a large primary school, I'm never home before 7pm, completely exhausted, and still have at least 3 hours of work to do when I get in. This weekend I've been working from 7am both days, unable to even get out to buy milk...my neighbour brought some for me when she went to the local Spar this afternoon.

We are not all simply deferring the task to you...I would love NOTHING MORE than to take my 4 year old granddaughter to Smyths Toys...but unfortunately she lives 8 hours drive away, and I only get to see her in the holidays.

Saying that, I have got a huge bag of presents to take up on Christmas Eve...which I'm hoping she will enjoy. These things were on the Amazon Wish List that my daughter provided back in October. You should try it 😉

Getting your female neighbour to buy your milk because you’re too busy working (as a teacher, on a Sunday) seems like a slightly altered version of the same behaviour that OP is complaining about tbh.

Kummerspeck · 05/12/2021 21:33

You sound like a joy OP. Complain if they ask for help but you'll no doubt complain if you have to spend your precious time returning or exchanging things after Christmas too. Maybe you should buy them a crystal ball so they can be prepared for next year.
As a grandmother I can promise you that you WILL be out of touch with what children want and what parents deem acceptable, that's just life.

I ask my children for suggestions (GC currently too small to tell us themselves reliably) but, quite frankly, if any of my family were as ungrateful as you seem to be, I'd be going with @Sirzy's suggestion

Hankunamatata · 05/12/2021 21:33

Nope much rather get money of grandparents and get something than having more tat

AncreneWisse · 05/12/2021 21:33

“The latest thing is that they are buying things online and getting them shipped directly to us so that I can wrap the bloody things. Cheeky fuckers”

@IdrisElbow omg, what cheeky fuckers to send your children presents!

Such an entitled and unpleasant original post. I am glad to see that at least a small majority agrees.

Just10moreminutesplease · 05/12/2021 21:36

Nope, I’d like it if my child’s grandparents continue to ask. That way they don’t get duplicate gifts and my house isn’t filled with plastic tat .

PinkSyCo · 05/12/2021 21:43

My kids lost the last of their grandparents (my mum) last Christmas, so I don’t have this problem anymore. If this is the worst of yours I’m happy for you OP

NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 21:44

That is a much more nuanced and considered reply, OP, and kudos to you - you’ve thought about what the underlying issue is.

You’re not solely responsible for making ‘magic’.

You can refuse to get involved in in-law stuff if you want to. You don’t need to be the one who considers what the in-law grandparents prefer to give and what they consider a good gift with in budget etc.

Talk to your DH in late October/early November. Decide between you what his folks can give, and what your folks can give.
He communicates to his folks.
You only communicate with yours.

Refuse to get involved in minutiae. Detach!

NoSquirrels · 05/12/2021 21:48

All my youngest son wants this year is a "surprise!"

On the upside, OP, this is a great attitude from your DS and a useful retort to any present-idea-seekers.

ouchmyfeet · 05/12/2021 21:48

@TerribleZebra

OMG are you me? 🤣🤣🤣. Can I add if you expect me to host every ageing relative in a 200mi radius every bloody year as well as provide lists of what every other member of the family wants the least you can do is wrap the things I've told you to buy.

I don't think the OP can be you as she appears to be me.

I have absolutely fucking had it this year. They can all piss off, the lot of them. Buy a present, don't buy a present, I don't give a shit, just LEAVE ME OUT OF IT.

Chasingaftermidnight · 05/12/2021 21:55

Saying that, I have got a huge bag of presents to take up on Christmas Eve...which I'm hoping she will enjoy. These things were on the Amazon Wish List that my daughter provided back in October. You should try it 😉

Yeah, OP. If you (and in fact all women) were just a bit more organised you wouldn’t struggle to do other people’s jobs for them as well as your own.

This weekend I've been working from 7am both days, unable to even get out to buy milk...my neighbour brought some for me when she went to the local Spar this afternoon.

Amazon do grocery deliveries now. You should try it

WhenSepEnds · 05/12/2021 22:04

I think it's fair enough to ask what they want so the kids don't end up with duplicates and grandparents gifts don't end up wasted but there is no way I would be buying and wrapping the gifts too. That's just sheer laziness

BoredZelda · 05/12/2021 22:09

My daughter’s grandparents know her really well.

They have always asked me for ideas for gifts. It’s a strange thing to get worked up about.

OnAWobblyFence · 05/12/2021 22:16

@Chasingaftermidnight

Saying that, I have got a huge bag of presents to take up on Christmas Eve...which I'm hoping she will enjoy. These things were on the Amazon Wish List that my daughter provided back in October. You should try it 😉

Yeah, OP. If you (and in fact all women) were just a bit more organised you wouldn’t struggle to do other people’s jobs for them as well as your own.

This weekend I've been working from 7am both days, unable to even get out to buy milk...my neighbour brought some for me when she went to the local Spar this afternoon.

Amazon do grocery deliveries now. You should try it

Interesting how these “I’ve been working all weekend and couldn’t get a bottle of milk” types have plenty of time to read and comment on MN but no time to set up a supermarket delivery.

And how did her neighbour know she needed milk? Obviously had time to discuss that with the neighbour but no time to get her own milk.

I never believe these “I work 80 hours a week” people.

ouchmyfeet · 05/12/2021 22:19

*The people on here having a typical MN moan have obviously forgotten that we were parents like them before we were grandparents.

They don't think we ever had any problems just like them at Christmas . No, of course we didn't*

Well perhaps you could try having some consideration for them if you have been there yourself. Wife work was fine years ago when wives didn't generally have 40 hours of paid employment to do each week. A lot of us find it stressful and vent here rather than being rude to our loved ones, regardless of how pathetic and thoughtless they are being.

Marianne1234 · 05/12/2021 22:26

Aw OP I hear you. Since March 2020 I’ve had a dawning realisation that my parents are a bit more…disinterested than I had previously allowed myself to admit. They’ve barely seen their grandchildren this year. They live 1.5 hours away. Granted some of this is because of lockdown but outwith lockdown they still haven’t made any effort. my mum in particular pays lip service to “oh I miss the kids so much, when are you coming to visit?” But not once has she actually got herself into the car to come and see them. It’s me that is expected to do all the running. It’s so hurtful and disappointing.

Yeah she still works full time and her job is hard and her weekends precious. But I work full time too. And I’m raising small children alongside that, who as they get older are building their own lives/commitments here, so it gets harder and harder to drop everything and go there. She is absolutely wonderful with them when we do see her, and the kids absolutely adore her. That’s why I don’t really understand why she doesn’t put any effort in.

So I can fully understand and appreciate why being instructed to tell an already-disinterested grandparent what to buy your kids for Christmas feels like the final straw. Because I feel the very same way. No issue whatsoever with “what do you think of this?” type texts, but “tell me what to buy” can fuck right off.

And my mother in law, while more present (because she lives closer) is just as bad. I can particularly relate to the 28-emails-about-socks poster. And it’s never my husband that they go to. Always me.

snowballer · 05/12/2021 22:30

@Chasingaftermidnight

Saying that, I have got a huge bag of presents to take up on Christmas Eve...which I'm hoping she will enjoy. These things were on the Amazon Wish List that my daughter provided back in October. You should try it 😉

Yeah, OP. If you (and in fact all women) were just a bit more organised you wouldn’t struggle to do other people’s jobs for them as well as your own.

This weekend I've been working from 7am both days, unable to even get out to buy milk...my neighbour brought some for me when she went to the local Spar this afternoon.

Amazon do grocery deliveries now. You should try it

Yeah, OP. If you (and in fact all women) were just a bit more organised you wouldn’t struggle to do other people’s jobs for them as well as your own.

This! 👏👏

amsadandconfused · 05/12/2021 22:31

I really think that there is this generation of entitled Mums on here! What happened to basic manners,gratitude and respect for parents who are all getting older now? I know my granddaughter inside and out but I still ask her mother,my daughter for present ideas . Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Marianne1234 · 05/12/2021 22:32

Absolutely nothing wrong with that

Well you would say that 🤷🏻‍♀️

Marianne1234 · 05/12/2021 22:33

My mum would probably say that too. And I disagree. I’d like her to apply her mind to it for five minutes, personally.

snowballer · 05/12/2021 22:34

@amsadandconfused

I really think that there is this generation of entitled Mums on here! What happened to basic manners,gratitude and respect for parents who are all getting older now? I know my granddaughter inside and out but I still ask her mother,my daughter for present ideas . Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You know your GC inside out but still can't think of a present to buy them?

ouchmyfeet · 05/12/2021 22:34

@amsadandconfused

I really think that there is this generation of entitled Mums on here! What happened to basic manners,gratitude and respect for parents who are all getting older now? I know my granddaughter inside and out but I still ask her mother,my daughter for present ideas . Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

How is it entitled for me not to want to do all the thinking for someone else? I don't expect gifts, I'd honestly rather not receive them, but if someone wants to give me or one of my family a gift I expect them to spend some time thinking about what an appropriate gift might be.

The 28 socks emails also resonated very hard here. I try to ignore it all and pass it off to DH but I'm not as rude as him so generally end up caving and doing what his mother demands

Marianne1234 · 05/12/2021 22:35

She probably could. But why bother when her daughter could do all the legwork instead?

XelaM · 05/12/2021 22:56

What is wrong with asking to ensure the kids get exactly what they want?! Seriously get a grip crazy MN mothers. I am a mum and my parents (who are amazing in every way) always ask me what my daughter would like to ensure they get her what she wants. When my grandparents were alive, they also asked me. Sometimes I buy the presents if it's easier and they transfer me the money. I am very grateful.

Any other reaction to something as nice and thoughtful as grandparents wanting to buy a nice gift for their grandkids is totally unreasonable.

snowballer · 05/12/2021 23:04

Controversial I know, but why do kids have to have "exactly what they want"? You all keep talking about entitled mums but this is just fostering entitlement in children. Christmas isn't an ordering service. I used to get great presents from one of my grandmothers particularly - always surprising. If my mother had told her what to buy it would have just been the same kind of thing my mother bought me! Lovely, but usually sensible. My granny's presents were the ones I really looked forward to - all weird and wonderful things that I treasured.