PSA to all grandparents

[PigeonLittle]

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like".

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself?

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents.

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set?

It feels like a lot on this year.

I don't understand why it's so difficult to give grandparents an idea of what to buy.

Because it's just yet another thing mothers (and it's always mothers) are expected to do on top of absolutely everything else which is a "how hard is it to x, y and z". My PIL, my MIL particularly, does literally nothing all day. Ever. How hard is it for her to think of something herself and check with me we don't already have it?

Surely there comes a natural point when family just give cash? I remember getting gifts up until around age 8, and then it was £25 in an envelope from grandparents and £10-15 from aunts/uncles.

Having something run by me is fine, good even, but what people are unhappy about is being asked to actually choose presents for multiple buyers. It's just yet another thing women have to add to their mental load.

Exactly. My parents do this - ‘choose something nice, we’ll pay’ and then make a bank transfer for the exact amount, leaving me to think of the thing, research it, choose it, order it and wrap it.

Then, come Christmas Day, they make a big show of saying it’s from Granny and Grandad, and want all the credit and thanks for it.

I would have no problem whatsoever if they asked what their grandson might like, came up with a few ideas themselves and ran them past me, then ordered and wrapped the item themselves - that would be absolutely fine.

I check briefly with my sister if I think its something she might be buying my nephew e.g. if I was buying him generic leho I wouldnt check, if I was buying him a lego kit to make R2D2 I would check she wasnt planning the same thing. Otherwise I buy him stuff I like and dont expect her to come up with lists.

My mum on the other hand wants exact things to buy, for both of us, or husbands (she never asks them directly despite talking to them directly about other thing) our husbands families (again doesnt ask our husbands, and both sets of inlaws dont care about exchanging presents) and even better our parents expect us to come up with ideas for them too e.g my dad will ask what he should buy for my mum etc (and when we lived closer we would be expected to buy it and wrap it up too) so i feel for you op!!!!

On the plus side at least you get to control what present your children get, I like to buy my nephew noisy musical instruments and toys that cause chaos

Usually doesn't bother me people asking but I have enough trouble planning myself and wouldn't be doing all they expect from you.
My FIL sent dh a text asking what our eldest 2 kids want for Birthdays (both close to christmas). He has barely seen them in years and hasn't made any request to meet our baby (almost 4mth now), really annoyed dh and his response was "your presence". The response was a I've been having a tough time the past year and not good company, if he'd not been crap for well over a decade we'd be more understanding.

My parents support me with childcare at the drop of a hat so maybe you don't have that same luxury. A couple of clicks and sent to their address. I'm struggling to see this as an issue!

So think of an idea, then ask your DD/DIL whether GC has it. Don't say "what shall I buy"

Or, y’know, ask their other parent. You could ask your DS not your DIL.

DH has tried, more than once, to bypass his family coming to me with these requests, by emailing them on advance with the kids' lists.

It never works. They then email me with the follow up questions; "is this the one? What colour? Are you sure you want it in age 7-8, because I'd go for the next size up. Oh, and can you wrap it and add a card saying "with love from Granny and Grandpa?"

Greebo have you tried forwarding on the email to DH? You could replay, copying him in, and say

Thanks, MIL - DH is in charge of the gift list this year!

@Redcrayons

I’d love to know how old the DCs are of the ‘how hard is it to send a few links’.

I’ve got an 18 year old who hasn’t produced a list since he hit double figures. For his 18th he wanted an A level revision book. I spent weeks thinking of stuff I can give him. I’d also have to think of more stuff for one set of GPs to buy at their budget and more stuff at another budget for the other set. I haven’t got the headspace.

When they were at primary school and it’s was a few pages of the aegis catalogue it was much easier.

So tell him if he doesn't give you a list he won't get anything. Then tell GPs to pick something they think he'll like because he can't think of something / give him cash.

I'll have to start @NoSquirrels. It feels petty, because if I'm taking the time to do that I could just reply directly. But you're right, next year I'll have to get tougher!

@NoSquirrels

Greebo have you tried forwarding on the email to DH? You could replay, copying him in, and say

Thanks, MIL - DH is in charge of the gift list this year!

I would just forward it to DH and let him reply.

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

I'll have to start *@NoSquirrels*. It feels petty, because if I'm taking the time to do that I could just reply directly. But you're right, next year I'll have to get tougher!

It does feel petty, I agree. But you wouldn’t feel petty delegating a task at work, would you, if someone contacted you instead of the person whose job/task/area of responsibility it was?

I’d do that same polite reply cc’ing appropriate colleague if it happened at work…

^*I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.*^

You sound very busy, angry and stressed OP, which is sad...but for perspective, please don't assume that grandparents are not similarly busy and stressed! Maybe your parents/in-laws are not, but many of us are! Me, for example! I work too...over 70 hours a week, and often more! As a deputy head in a large primary school, I'm never home before 7pm, completely exhausted, and still have at least 3 hours of work to do when I get in. This weekend I've been working from 7am both days, unable to even get out to buy milk...my neighbour brought some for me when she went to the local Spar this afternoon.

We are not all simply deferring the task to you...I would love NOTHING MORE than to take my 4 year old granddaughter to Smyths Toys...but unfortunately she lives 8 hours drive away, and I only get to see her in the holidays.

Saying that, I have got a huge bag of presents to take up on Christmas Eve...which I'm hoping she will enjoy. These things were on the Amazon Wish List that my daughter provided back in October. You should try it 😉

Dotsandco - if the grandparents I refered to worked 70 hours a week running a school during a pandemic I doubt I'd be writing this message. For all you know, I do.

Spending an evening creating an Amazon wish list on a shitty site trying to organise independent, able minded people to buy basic goods from a greedy billionaire isnt the way I want to spend my time.

If your daughter enjoys facilitating you, then great

Can’t get past page 7 as so shocked by the levels of entitlement and ungratefulness. MIL asks us for ideas and it’s great because I can tell her things my children would like and then I don’t have to pay for them but know my child will get to enjoy them! How wonderful. How thoughtful of her to ask. How thoughtful of anyone to get my child a present at all.

Jesus Christ I worry about being a mother in law one day.

Also it takes about 5 mins to think of something your child might like, search for it and copy and paste a link. What are these “hours” being spent?

Anyone else starting to hope the grandparents in this case buy a drum set that spreads glitter every time it’s hit

@Sirzy

@Sirzy Love it

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 Completely agree. The craziness of the mothers on here is beyond belief.

Grandparents can’t win.

Ask and get told “ do your own shopping “

Do own shopping and we get a spate of “ the inlaws bought awful plastic tat again “!😩😂

Don't do it. My family always ask for lists and unless I have something already in mind I tell them to send money.

I don't put it into savings, I take them to the toy shop and let them choose something. Arguably that is also 'work' but it is an easy, free morning out.

My son loves choosing his own toys.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Also it takes about 5 mins to think of something your child might like, search for it and copy and paste a link. What are these “hours” being spent?

My children are blessed. I typically need to coordinate, for multiple children:

Santa gift
Parent gift
Stocking gifts
3x grandparent gifts, varying budgets (in laws split).

It's not 5 minutes worth of work and often needs a fair bit of balancing between equal, fun, fair etc. Eg ask Jim to buy Gap hoodie at £30 , they would call it a waste and would prefer £5 pjs. Doris prefers practical gifts and Nigel likes little things that makes them smile.

I think, having read through all the replies - this is mainly frustration that I'm dealing with. I'm responding to their timetable rather than creating a list earlier in the year spending a night sorting it all out a

They are often farting about when I have a very full plate on myself. I struggle to organise myself tso organising another 3 family units isn't my idea of fun.

And, yes of course, boxed up in all this is the upset that they're not as involved as I would like. My OP says - feel free to make that time investment yourself in the year and learn to understand what your grandchildren would cherish. I wouldn't want them to get a cheque for Christmas (at this young age). They'd be sad. All my youngest son wants this year is a "surprise!"

@Helenluvsrob

Grandparents can’t win.

Ask and get told “ do your own shopping “

Do own shopping and we get a spate of “ the inlaws bought awful plastic tat again “!😩😂

Exactly. There are constantly posts on mumsnet about GPs buying the wrong stuff/too many sweets/plastic tat/toys that there's no room for.

Parents can't have it both ways. They simply can't.

Asking the parents to do the buying and wrapping is clearly unfair. But asking for ideas/a wish list/a copy of the kids' letter to santa is entirely reasonable, if the alternative risks turned up noses from the kids and rolled eyes from their parents on Christmas morning.

@Sirzy

Anyone else starting to hope the grandparents in this case buy a drum set that spreads glitter every time it’s hit

I'd be genuinely delighted!

Love glitter, love noise, love mess. Love thoughtful presents my kids would enjoy!

Hates - having to be my parent's Personal Assistant.