PSA to all grandparents

[PigeonLittle]

Rather than hound your children in December to ask for them to buy your grandchildren's toys or send them direct links to things for you "That way you know it's something they'll really like".

How about next year make more of an effort to be involved? Talk to your grandkids, take them on days out, take them to Smiths Toys or whatever and find out yourself?

I've got homework, Christmas Assemblies, Christmas parties, Christmas dinner to prep and cook, work, kids to clean, feed and clothe.

I have to plan presents for my own kids, presents for you, presents for other grandparents, presents for teachers.

Finding out your grandchild likes Peppa Pig or Fortnite is not exactly an interrogation skill and I'm sure you can get by with not doubling up too many presents.

I'd rather have to return or donate one or two toys than do all your Christmas shopping as well as my own.

If you're not sure you could try something like, I know X loves Sylvanian Families - does she have this pony set?

It feels like a lot on this year.

I usually have a list a mile long of things my kids need/I would want for them so I don’t mind being asked at all. What I couldn’t be doing with is people not being able to get past toys as a Christmas present - I’m politely vocal about the fact that my house is at absolute capacity for toys. Some people will never listen to that, but if people are asking for ideas then they must have at least a vague intention to take them on board.

I am the person who thinks of all the Christmas presents - stocking presents for the boys - and now ds1’s fiancée

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I must have misread this then.

@FusionChefGeoff

It's the thought that counts.

So do your own bloody thinking!!

Asking me to do it for you shows zero thought.

YANBU

The thought doesn't count at all to a child. They know what they want and like. When Grandma bys them something that they lost interest in three months ago, they don't think "aaah, that was nice of Grandma and she wasn't to know I don't watch/play it any more", they're disappointed, and at best, their faces show it.

Asking the parent actually demonstrates thought. When I ask, it's because I'm taking the trouble to get something that my DGD wants, and something that my DD and Soninlaw have room for.

I know my grandchildren pretty well and have a good idea what they would like but I always run it past their parents before buying. I send them a link on WattsApp to check if it's okay. I don't want to duplicate or get something that isn't suitable.
I do remember how busy the run up to Christmas is with children and a job and all the school activities etc.
In my family the parents seem to like being asked and once or twice I have been told an alternative would be better.
It's hard for grandparents to get it right judging by posts on here. There are often complaints about going over the top or being too mean or buying tat.
I get that you are stressed and could do with that mince pie and a sit down but your tone isn't very nice!

I’m really sorry, @Faevern - that meant I do a stocking for ds1’s fiancée now too (because they’re coming to us for Christmas). I knew what I meant, but it really wasn’t clear!

Having something run by me is fine, good even, but what people are unhappy about is being asked to actually choose presents for multiple buyers. It's just yet another thing women have to add to their mental load.

Be grateful you have grandparents in your life, there's some very entitled comments here. My mum always checked with me because kids tastes change. Now they are older they ask them themselves (dd has asked for supermarket vouchers as she's a student)

How ungrateful you are! My parents spend loads of time with my brothers DC (mine are older), babysit every week, take them out for days, etc. My Mum still asks what she can get them though as she doesn't want to duplicate and wants to make sure they get something they really want.

Having something run by me is fine, good even, but what people are unhappy about is being asked to actually choose presents for multiple buyers. It's just yet another thing women have to add to their mental load.

Yes but you do realise you don't actually have to do it.

@nokidshere

Having something run by me is fine, good even, but what people are unhappy about is being asked to actually choose presents for multiple buyers. It's just yet another thing women have to add to their mental load.

Yes but you do realise you don't actually have to do it.

I know. I'm crap at saying no I admit!

@UselessCat

This year I suggested that my parents choose my 3 year old some socks (she loves socks, weirdly!). I quickly regretted that after 3 days of being sent links and photos of socks. 28 different messages! About fucking socks.

Have a glass!

I just say book tokens now. Dc love choosing their own books and I don’t have to think. It’s not what the gp want to hear though because there’s no wow factor on Christmas Day.

YABVU.

How do they know/remember what toys the child already has?impossible

even my own present from dh no DH, I'd like you to surprise me. Ditto birthday
including the presents for his family ill sort the kids, you can sort your family
I have to decide what... dh would like for his. ask him what he wants and tell family members they need to ask him

Those saying it's ungrateful not to do 90% of the work in choosing and sourcing the present for someone else - I see it the same as someone saying they want to cook dinner for you, but then asking you to choose the menu, buy the ingredients and wash up afterwards and then telling you you should be grateful for the dinner they cooked 🤷‍♀️

@Twylar

YABVU.

How do they know/remember what toys the child already has?impossible

So think of an idea, then ask your DD/DIL whether GC has it. Don't say "what shall I buy"

Yes, and that applies to our generation too! Working until 66, while providing care to elderly parents, in our case two SN DDs, and looking after DGC, as and when needed if DDIL is working - they live 10 minutes from us

For sure, hours spent working and on childcare has gone up for all generations but you can't deny that on average 60 and 70 somethings do far less of both than parents

Ah OP, I feel for you. Even as I bemoan the “we’ve transferred some money, buy something nice and wrap it” instruction that comes in November, I know one day it won’t be there and I’ll be sad and miss it.

Both GPs moan about how many toys we have but then still say, if we suggest the money for an experience, “they need to have something to unwrap”. Hate it.

But worse still is to send the link for the best idea of a present to someone, plan your presents around it (think cars for the track), and then on the day, they’ve sent your one year old… a cheque. Because they couldn’t be bothered to click on the link.

There is - amongst those with money - a charade of present giving that has gone so far past “the thought that counts” and has so little thought. But still we’re supposed to be grateful.

There is - amongst those with money - a charade of present giving that has gone so far past “the thought that counts” and has so little thought. But still we’re supposed to be grateful

Yes to this. Also the PP with 28 messages about socks for the 3yo I feel your pain. That's exactly what my PIL are like. I know they just want to get it right but it sucks the joy out of it completely.

Those saying it's ungrateful not to do 90% of the work in choosing and sourcing the present for someone else - I see it the same as someone saying they want to cook dinner for you, but then asking you to choose the menu, buy the ingredients and wash up afterwards and then telling you you should be grateful for the dinner they cooked
Spot on

@ferneytorro

Same for my present - what do you want, I want you to spend 5 minutes thinking of a gift for me as I am your only child and surely you can think of something so tell them you have no idea and for them to surprise you if you really don't want to spend 5 minutes picking something you actually want

not to be told "I want to get you something for your (milestone) birthday so tell me what you want" thereby forcing me to think of something meaningful that I have to keep. do you not want something meaningful you have to keep, or do you not want to have to pick it? Surely if its something to keep it's better you give an indication of what you actually want.

I would also like you to... not say to me very proudly "I've got you a present"... you to wrap it up and also give it to me rather than placing it on a table and saying "your present is there"... not to be immensely proud and mention the fact that you have wrapped said present as if that's akin to inventing a cure for some major disease I mean perhaps just tell them how little you like them as you sound utterly contemptuous of them. That would surely solve lots of problems.

This is quite sad. Your DC's grandparents want them to have something they'll like, presumably? How can they do this without the risk of duplication if they weren't given a list of ideas?

Perhaps they don't realise what a nuisance they're being to you OP? How can they really if you don't tell them you're struggling? I'd imagine (as most people would) that they feel they're doing the right thing by thinking of your DC at Christmas but if I were them and read this thread I don't think I'd bother.

Don't your children write wish lists? If mine didn't I wouldn't know what to buy them.
When they were younger and went through fads, especially Peppa Pig, they had so much stuff I had to tell people what to get or they'd end up with duplicates.
I don't understand why it's so difficult to give grandparents an idea of what to buy.

One of my son and DILs are very specific about what they want my grandchildren to receive as presents and request that we send the money and they then buy the items.
Every family has their own way of operating. X

I’d love to know how old the DCs are of the ‘how hard is it to send a few links’.

I’ve got an 18 year old who hasn’t produced a list since he hit double figures. For his 18th he wanted an A level revision book. I spent weeks thinking of stuff I can give him. I’d also have to think of more stuff for one set of GPs to buy at their budget and more stuff at another budget for the other set. I haven’t got the headspace.

When they were at primary school and it’s was a few pages of the aegis catalogue it was much easier.