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Original poster

Partner goes to all events without me

266 replies

katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 06:41

Bit of background, we’ve been on and off for 6 years, 2 kids together and live together. He has a large group of friends but every single party/wedding etc he will go without me and he says I’m being unreasonable to want to go. Am I just being too clingy? I’ll add that all his friends partners go with them and a few of his friends are also single so it’s not like he’s the only one there without a partner (even though he has one he chooses not to take).

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 06/12/2021 08:11

He’s a good dad I’ll give him that

Of course he's not, good Dads dont treat their children's Mums like crap.

girlmom21 · 06/12/2021 09:39

[quote katyalexandra]@GrandmasCat I don’t stay for financial reasons. I work and pay my own mortgage and bills[/quote]
So he's not there physically or financially but he's a good dad who the kids will miss? I doubt it.

Original poster
katyalexandra · 06/12/2021 09:51

@girlmom21 but he is there physically.. it’s when he’s got events that he goes off without me.. it has nothing to do with how he is with our children. Yes clearly he doesn’t treat me right, but our girls love him more than the world and he does a lot for and with them.

OP posts:
Darkpheonix · 06/12/2021 10:06

[quote katyalexandra]@girlmom21 but he is there physically.. it’s when he’s got events that he goes off without me.. it has nothing to do with how he is with our children. Yes clearly he doesn’t treat me right, but our girls love him more than the world and he does a lot for and with them.[/quote]
Kids love their parents. Even when they aren't great. Parents can be abusive and their kids love them.

He is there? But can't be gaurenteed ro come home, can't provide for them, doesn't parent then alone. But is just around.

He just hangs around teaching them their mother isn't worthy of respect and a normal relationship is this? A man who comes and goes as he pleases, doesn't respect their partner etc.

You are teaching them this as well. By putting up with this for 6 years, essentially being a friend with benefits, while you Tey and pretend it's something more and are unhappy, you are teaching them that relationships like this are normal.

nocnoc · 06/12/2021 10:13

You deserve better than this. He doesn’t see you as a priority. He can still be a dad but you get to find someone who does want to take you places. It’s just miserable being left out all the time. He will have to find his own place and then have the kids 50/50

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2021 10:35

[quote katyalexandra]@girlmom21 but he is there physically.. it’s when he’s got events that he goes off without me.. it has nothing to do with how he is with our children. Yes clearly he doesn’t treat me right, but our girls love him more than the world and he does a lot for and with them.[/quote]
But they are watching him treat you with contempt!

Don't you see that?

girlmom21 · 06/12/2021 10:56

[quote katyalexandra]@girlmom21 but he is there physically.. it’s when he’s got events that he goes off without me.. it has nothing to do with how he is with our children. Yes clearly he doesn’t treat me right, but our girls love him more than the world and he does a lot for and with them.[/quote]
But you said you'd be doing full time childcare. So he wouldn't be there physically then.

And he only moved back 2 months ago. How was he when he lived elsewhere? Was he there physically then?

Chely · 06/12/2021 11:01

He's a dick

Juniper68 · 06/12/2021 11:06

[quote katyalexandra]@girlmom21 but he is there physically.. it’s when he’s got events that he goes off without me.. it has nothing to do with how he is with our children. Yes clearly he doesn’t treat me right, but our girls love him more than the world and he does a lot for and with them.[/quote]
Except he doesn't respect their mother. And this way of his isn't healthy.

Juniper68 · 06/12/2021 11:07

You aren't going to do anything about this though are you? I've seen it so often.

NdujaWannaDance · 06/12/2021 11:13

I think you are right Juniper.

Sadly this will drag on until the OP's partner finds another partner they can move in with. And by the sounds of things, it won't take all that long, if he keeps going to parties and nights out without her.

Original poster
katyalexandra · 06/12/2021 12:17

@girlmom21 yeah I guess I would be doing full time childcare until he got his own place... he used to see the girls when he didn’t live here, would take them out on the weekends etc but what I meant by no time to myself, is I wouldn’t be able to just nip to the shop when I wanted or get in the bath when I wanted like I do now.. which I know is definitely not a reason to stay, I’d just have to adapt to how it used to be again.

OP posts:
Original poster
katyalexandra · 06/12/2021 12:19

@Juniper68

You aren't going to do anything about this though are you? I've seen it so often.
@Juniper68 but what if he chose to do things differently and did decide to then start taking me with him? Is it too late? Has the damage been done? I just don’t know it’s so hard when you have children. Half of me wants him gone for good, half of me wants to give him the chance to change things.
OP posts:
WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 06/12/2021 12:19

What do you want from the relationship?

To me, it sounds like he goes as a single man. It's not normal and wouldn't be acceptable for me

Original poster
katyalexandra · 06/12/2021 12:21

@Nanny0gg they don’t see it, because they don’t know. We don’t argue or talk about it in front of them and when he goes every once in a while, I just say he’s gone out with his friends. I know it’s beside the point but I don’t want people to think my children are apart of this because they are not, it’s about the way he treats me and our relationship. And no I wouldn’t want either of my girls in a relationship like mine and their dads is so I don’t know why I do it to myself.

OP posts:
Darkpheonix · 06/12/2021 12:30

[quote katyalexandra]@girlmom21 yeah I guess I would be doing full time childcare until he got his own place... he used to see the girls when he didn’t live here, would take them out on the weekends etc but what I meant by no time to myself, is I wouldn’t be able to just nip to the shop when I wanted or get in the bath when I wanted like I do now.. which I know is definitely not a reason to stay, I’d just have to adapt to how it used to be again.[/quote]
But you couldn't do that before he moved in. He has been living there about 10 weeks. Its not a huge change.

Wouldn't be able to do it if he was at work even now. Or when he is our socialising without you and not coming home.

Darkpheonix · 06/12/2021 12:36

but what if he chose to do things differently and did decide to then start taking me with him? Is it too late? Has the damage been done? I just don’t know it’s so hard when you have children. Half of me wants him gone for good, half of me wants to give him the chance to change things.

He didn't change after having 2 kids with you. Up until recently hebdidnt live with you.

Has he even 'put a label' on the relationship?

And kids do know. Patents always think they don't. As they get ikder they notice their oarenta relationships aren't normal.

From a young age they pick up on tension, no matter how hard you work to hide it.

This whole thing is ridiculous. Yiu are not a victim here. You are making bad choices. He is a dick. But you keep choosing to be part of it. You keep choosing to let yourself be treated badly. You will teach your kids this is normal

Either end it or accept this is how he is. But this where you want it one way and pretend it is, when it's never going to be like that AND being miserable about it is wasting your life and will cause your children future issues.

MartyHart · 06/12/2021 12:37

I would give him a chance to do it differently. I would start with asking him why he does this and calmly explain how it made me feel.
See what he says and take it from there. Don't make any big decisions until you are ready op.
His answer will probably be very telling.

Original poster
katyalexandra · 06/12/2021 12:42

@MartyHart thank you. The reason this weekend was because I wasn’t invited (which I wasn’t). I don’t think his friends take our relationship seriously which I don’t blame them as it’s a shambles. What made it worse for me is the friend who’s wedding it was (the groom) actually hand delivered the invitation to my house - without my name on (because “we weren’t together when he wrote the invite”). Livid

OP posts:
MartyHart · 06/12/2021 12:45

Yeah, I think you definitely need to talk. He needs to stop dicking around or clear off.

Welcometothejingles · 06/12/2021 12:50

Bin the lot of them off and start afresh, he's 25 now and his personality is set for life. I can't see him changing anytime soon and you'll be wasting the best years of your life with this loser.

Nowomenaroundeh · 06/12/2021 12:54

Hi OP,

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are a great role model to your DC. Well done on owning your own house.

Like the pp said I don't think you'd find it hard on your own. A bit of an adjustment but you'd manage like you do now. An on off relationship is anxiety inducing and not a good example to set your kids. It sounds like your boyfriend hasn't grown up.

I suggest you tell him you want to live on your own. It doesn't sound like he's sorted financially if his only other option is to stay with his mum. That's his problem. Tell him you've been thinking about your live and family and don't want anymore disruption. Unless he's part of the team he can't live with you anymore. That means making plans together and carrying the financial burden. Arriving home the following morning is not carrying his weight.

Original poster
katyalexandra · 06/12/2021 12:55

@Welcometothejingles I need too don’t I. Honestly can’t stand the lot of them, really wish I could move away from this town as everyone knows everyone.

OP posts:
Snuggledupforwinter · 06/12/2021 12:58

You know you can cope on your own because you're already doing it. You're raising your DC, working and paying your own mortgage. You don't need him weighing you down!

Original poster
katyalexandra · 06/12/2021 12:59

@Nowomenaroundeh thank you so much. I do feel proud of myself that I’ve managed to buy a home for me and my girls. I have a good job (not the best paid but one I enjoy and can climb the ladders in). I think sometimes I don’t realise I’ve created this life and stability on my own so I CAN do it on my own. I don’t have many friends and do already suffer with anxiety in some form and I guess he was there almost as a comfort blanket and someone to talk too, however from reading these comments maybe he is just adding to my anxiety like others have said.

OP posts: