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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner goes to all events without me

266 replies

katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 06:41

Bit of background, we’ve been on and off for 6 years, 2 kids together and live together. He has a large group of friends but every single party/wedding etc he will go without me and he says I’m being unreasonable to want to go. Am I just being too clingy? I’ll add that all his friends partners go with them and a few of his friends are also single so it’s not like he’s the only one there without a partner (even though he has one he chooses not to take).

OP posts:
dreamdoll123 · 05/12/2021 15:47

Ok. We'll all fuck off shall we?

😂😂

Contactmap · 05/12/2021 15:48

I'm interested in how the OP managed to buy a house by herself at 25. Mumsnet is full of people complaining that they can't afford a house as a working couple in their 30s.

BananaBlue · 05/12/2021 15:59

@Contactmap inheritance, lives in an area of cheap housing.
Example below, deposit of £4750, 30 year mortgage, monthly payment is 352

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/117235316#/?channel=RES_BUY

OP I’m glad you found that post helpful, I agreed with every word.

IncompleteSenten · 05/12/2021 16:06

@dreamdoll123

Ok. We'll all fuck off shall we?

😂😂

Indeed
isthismylifenow · 05/12/2021 16:11

[quote katyalexandra]@WhereYouLeftIt thank you so much for this comment, it’s probably the only comment that’s actually been very insightful and helpful so thank you.[/quote]
🤔

Original poster
katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 16:14

I worded that wrong sorry there has been a lot of comments that have been helpful but she just went into a lot of depth in everything I was talking about so it helped me see a lot clearer.

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 05/12/2021 16:20

@Contactmap

I'm interested in how the OP managed to buy a house by herself at 25. Mumsnet is full of people complaining that they can't afford a house as a working couple in their 30s.
Believe it or not, some people manage, we were already in our third owned house by the time we hit our 30th birthday and we didn’t use any inheritances.

We had good graduate salaries, a good savings scheme and the detachment to jump into good opportunities as soon as we spotted them.

Liz1tummypain · 05/12/2021 16:21

That shows what he thinks about you. I don't see how you can accept it.

GrandmasCat · 05/12/2021 16:34

Honestly… more kids’ lives are ruined by parents who have no courage to leave a bad relationship. Every time I see a woman claiming “she is staying for the kids” I see a woman who in reality is staying because she is afraid of changing their lifestyle/income. Nobody put children through bad relationships if they can afford to provide for the kids.

So if you want happy daughters that wouldn’t stay with a guy who doesn’t care about them, start putting your ducks in a row (gaining your financial independence back) and give them the real example they need. A lousy dad / partner is not the example they need.

Original poster
katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 16:39

@GrandmasCat I don’t stay for financial reasons. I work and pay my own mortgage and bills

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 05/12/2021 16:47

I love @WhereYouLeftIt's post and can only add that you might want to check out the Freedom Programme.

My father left when I was four and when, as a teenager, I got to know him, I was so glad that he'd left when he did.

Darkpheonix · 05/12/2021 18:00

@katyalexandra

Okay I think we all know I need to leave. But how am I now supposed to leave.. how do I tell our 5 and 2 year old daughters that daddy isn’t going to there when they wake up.. how do I tell him to leave the house when he’s got no where to go.. how do I now deal with having the children solely 24/7 on my own which means I won’t be able to do anything for myself.. Sad
He has only recently moved in, so they will be fine.

If he decides to be a shit dad and not be involved. You will get through that too. It's not ideal and maybe not what you want, but it will be OK.

Kids grow up. It is hard at first. But you do get your life back.

You say he is a good dad. Surley a good dad will continue to see their kids?

Where was he seeing the kids for the years you weren't together and he didn't live with you?

Are you saying, that he didn't bother with the kids, for the last few years while you weren't in a relationship.

I get wanting that 'happy family'. But that's not what you have. It's never been what he will give you. You have 2 kids but haven't had a 'label' and not even treated like a girlfriend, never mind partner.

Your family will be a happy one. Without him. Lots of us make very happy and complete families and are single parents. You have got this.

But stop turning your relationship with him into something it's not, in your head.

2pinkginsplease · 05/12/2021 18:05

Show your children that you are not a mug, that you can be a strong independent woman who takes no shit!

I'd rather have that type of mum that one who just plod along for the childrens sake but is so unhappy doing so.

If you arent happy this will rub off on the children.

TracyLords · 05/12/2021 18:12

This isn’t a partnership. He sounds like he is still a teenager tbh. You can do better OP. FGS take it slowly though when you meet someone else (and you will). Make sure you prioritize yourself and the kids before any man.

MyOtherProfile · 05/12/2021 18:22

[quote katyalexandra]@GrandmasCat I don’t stay for financial reasons. I work and pay my own mortgage and bills[/quote]
Does he contribute at all?

Nanny0gg · 05/12/2021 18:26

@dreamdoll123

Ok. We'll all fuck off shall we?

😂😂

Grin
Nanny0gg · 05/12/2021 18:27

Did he not see his children when you weren't living together?

Original poster
katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 18:32

@MyOtherProfile yes he gives me money.

@Nanny0gg yeah he saw them a lot, only had our eldest over night as she had to sleep on the sofa with him at his mums.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2021 19:05

He didn't sort out a suitable home environment where his child had somewhere to sleep other than on a sofa with him?

Sounds like he likes his life to be as easy as possible at the effort of whichever woman is in closest proximity - you or his mum.

At least you know he's got somewhere to stay, he can go to his family's and you can stay in your home.

You've done incredibly well to have bought a home at your age, it's no small feat and means you aren't as dependent on him / don't have to uproot the kids which is brilliant.

Original poster
katyalexandra · 05/12/2021 19:12

@youvegottenminuteslynn nope he wasn’t in a position to be able to afford to private rent so that was his only option.

Thank you I appreciate that and I do feel glad I chose to buy on my own as at one point we were going to buy together (I had the deposit but would have put him on mortgage) - maybe something was telling me and giving me a hint even back then.

OP posts:
Darkpheonix · 05/12/2021 19:16

[quote katyalexandra]@youvegottenminuteslynn nope he wasn’t in a position to be able to afford to private rent so that was his only option.

Thank you I appreciate that and I do feel glad I chose to buy on my own as at one point we were going to buy together (I had the deposit but would have put him on mortgage) - maybe something was telling me and giving me a hint even back then.[/quote]
So at 25 he isn't in a position to provide somewhere suitable so he cab see his kids?

Can he not work? Does he work?

Why would you even consider putting him on the mortgage when you weren't even a couple til recently? I am glad you didn't.

Wether he lives with you or not, you have never been a partner to him. Him living with you, isn't improving that at all.

GrandmasCat · 05/12/2021 19:35

[quote katyalexandra]@GrandmasCat I don’t stay for financial reasons. I work and pay my own mortgage and bills[/quote]
Well, that’s great, now, in the nicest possible way, don’t ruin your DDs’ future trying to cure your past.

Happy parents parenting separately make happier children than unhappy parents parenting together. Honest!

It is also much easier to be a good mother when you don’t have to waste so much energy getting a lousy partner to act like a good partner/dad.

GrandmasCat · 05/12/2021 19:41

… And believe me, there are so many kids with separated parents, there is hardly the same stigma associated with it of years past.

YerWanIsGettinNotions · 06/12/2021 07:57

[quote katyalexandra]@youvegottenminuteslynn nope he wasn’t in a position to be able to afford to private rent so that was his only option.

Thank you I appreciate that and I do feel glad I chose to buy on my own as at one point we were going to buy together (I had the deposit but would have put him on mortgage) - maybe something was telling me and giving me a hint even back then.[/quote]

He certainly seems to have enough money to attend constant drinking events and parties and weddings are famously not cheap to go to.

If he’s working and can't afford to rent, where IS his money going?

Annoymouser2 · 06/12/2021 08:05

Want the brutal honest truth and you want the solution? This is going to be very hard and trust me i had an ex that was just like that which is why hes an ex.
Here it is

Hes ashamed of you.

Let that sink in for a minute hes happy to have sex with you and treat you like a skivvy but wont take you out with him.

Solution, take the kids and go. You deserve so much better! Dont settle for being treated that way, ever. Hes mentally abusive.