AIBU to wish I’d never been told a huge secret?

[Careve]

A few yrs ago, my SIL (DH sister), confided to me that their brother had sexually assaulted her as a child and again as an adult.
She told their parents but wasn’t believed (or they buried their heads in the sand) that it never happened.
SIL has had counselling most of her life because of what her own brother did to her.
My DH doesn’t know, SIL begged me not to tell him as my DH would want to kill his own brother and be fuming with his parents and they’d be a big family bust up.

So far, I’ve kept this a secret from DH, however,
his parents always go on about this (perverted) brother, about how much he’s achieved and how he’s buying a big new house. I’m screaming inside that he’s disgusting and should have gone to prison and that my in laws should have believed and protected their own daughter!

Sometimes, my DH will say something negative (a throwaway comment) about someone in my family and I feel like saying ‘yeah, we’ll at least my brother isn’t a monster’ but I can’t as I’m sworn to secrecy.

It feels like either I keep things a secret (as SIL wishes) or I tell DH and the whole family implodes.

I think you hve to tell your husband, as if you have kids, you need to know he won't be takin them to his brothers at all.

And if he isn't going to be on your side and believe his sister, then really you need to decide you are happy to never have kids with him or leave him.

Or you decide now to never tell him and not have kids, but not tell him why there will be no kids.

Either way, this has to be discussed with your partner. give the sister a heads up it will happen say early January but you can't not discuss this with your partner.

What an awful dilemma to be in. Maybe albeit subconsciously she told you as a cry for help and she wants the evil beast carpeted. As a PP says What are you going to do if/when you have kids. You're certainly not going to want him around them are you. Surely your DH will want to know why. I think your DH has every right to mad not just at his brother but also at his parents.
I can't and wouldn't want to imagine someone saying I don't believe you, especially your own parents.

As someone who also was not believed, your SIL must really trust you and is doing it to protect you and any future dc.

I would speak to your SIL first and let her know you are going to have to tell your DH. If you don’t tell him and he doesn’t have a clue any child you have is vulnerable. People saying they wouldn’t leave with the Uncle is not enough. Any family get together is a massive risk. It takes just a minute and some molesters abuse in plain sight.

I have been in group therapy with other CSA survivors the lengths people will go to for access is quite astounding. Even if they do not touch your child they may be thinking about it, you should never be near this person again.

All you need to worry about is upsetting SIL, don’t worry about upsetting your in laws. The people that don’t believe are as bad as the actual abusers.

When we were given safeguarding training, one thing we were taught was not to ever promise to keep this kind of thing a secret. Thank them for trusting you and telling you but will need to speak to someone to get help either for the victim or for the ones at risk. You say she even keeps her daughters away from her brother. How long can this carry on for? Once a predetor always a predator. What if she is not able to protect her daughters? and what will you do when you have children of your own? What would you say to your husband that why you are keeping your children from meeting with their uncle?

You promised to keep a secret but don't want to any more. Speak to your SIL. Tell her how you are feeling and that you have a responsibility to protect other kids in the family too and that you will either tell your husband or speak to someone in authority about it. Also encourage her to speak to someone about it, or alteast report it even if she doesn't want to pursue it yet.

We don't know how the BIL fits into the family. He knows what he did - he possibly avoids the family which would affect whether anything needs to be brought to light or not.

I’m so sorry OP, this is such an awful position to be in.

If it was me, I would speak with my SiL. I would explain that keeping her secret from your DH means that the BiL can not only carry on abusing her and other vulnerable people/children, but that he will get away with it. I would tell her that your DH will believe her, unlike her POS parents, and that she will always have yours and DH’s support. That your DH needs to know so he can protect her from the BiL, and so nobody else gets hurt.

Yes, it might ‘destroy’ the family. This family has already been destroyed, not only by the brother but by the absolutely awful parents. Living a lie will not help anyone.

When it gets out that you knew about his sister being abused, and it will get out because the truth always does, your DH might not ever forgive you. Then you’ve got a ruined family as well as a ruined marriage.

Speak with your SiL and make sure she understands you will be telling your DH but for all the right reasons, not just because you want/need to offload.

Good luck

Yes, it might ‘destroy’ the family. This family has already been destroyed, not only by the brother but by the absolutely awful parents. Living a lie will not help anyone.

It might destroy the SIL if the BIL is the one believed. Everyone on their soapboxes needs to return to the real world and think things through.

I don't think I could keep a secret of abuse... what an awful situation to be put in. I tell my partner everything, I think I wouldn't be able to stop myself from saying something like this.

@biwinoone who "in authority " do you think the OP should speak to? And did you cover "heresay" in your safeguarding training? Or the difference bw children and adults even?

You should feel free to tell him if it would make you feel better about yourself. All keeping quiet does is mean the abuser continues to get away with it. Even after all these years he still gets a kick out of being in a position of power over his relatives. Even when the SHTF (which it will) it's not your fault and you don't have to feel guilty about anything. You may find it comes as something as a relief to your SIL, if your DH kicks off at his brother it will show her that actually people do believe her version of events.

Disclaimer: I was abused by my brother, tried to tell my parents once (immediately denied outright and shut down conversation) and I've never told anyone since because I know nobody will believe me. So I might be biased and you might not think me the right person to give advice.

@MorningStarling .. I believe you. I am sorry you were abused by your brother and that your parents did not believe you.

I think you are the best person to ask.

Is there anyone you could tell now so that you could begin to heal?

I was once told a similar secret by somebody whose abuser was a fairly high profile politician (her father). This politician has done undeniably good things and is well respected. His daughter does love him and looks up to him, and has had some great achievements herself. She is a bit messed up- which I believe is entirely as a result of the abuse.

I've never passed this secret on to anybody, but found it very very troubling when I saw him on tv. I know her husband knows too.

This isn't the same thing as you, OP, and I
Have no advice- but I am sympathetic!