AIBU to wish I’d never been told a huge secret?

[Careve]

A few yrs ago, my SIL (DH sister), confided to me that their brother had sexually assaulted her as a child and again as an adult.
She told their parents but wasn’t believed (or they buried their heads in the sand) that it never happened.
SIL has had counselling most of her life because of what her own brother did to her.
My DH doesn’t know, SIL begged me not to tell him as my DH would want to kill his own brother and be fuming with his parents and they’d be a big family bust up.

So far, I’ve kept this a secret from DH, however,
his parents always go on about this (perverted) brother, about how much he’s achieved and how he’s buying a big new house. I’m screaming inside that he’s disgusting and should have gone to prison and that my in laws should have believed and protected their own daughter!

Sometimes, my DH will say something negative (a throwaway comment) about someone in my family and I feel like saying ‘yeah, we’ll at least my brother isn’t a monster’ but I can’t as I’m sworn to secrecy.

It feels like either I keep things a secret (as SIL wishes) or I tell DH and the whole family implodes.

It's a massive secret to keep but she's done you a great favour by sharing this with you. Think about it, this is the biggest secret in her life, I beg you wouldn't usually be the person she would discuss something so big. She's done it so you and any future children you have will be safe. Not only from the brother but from the parents (who you know have facilitated brothers abusive behaviours in the past). Your bigger problem is going to be how you explain to your husband why nobody on his side of the family is never allowed to be alone with the kids ♥️

@MorrisZapp

She shouldn't have told you that, it's totally unfair. Has she had counselling? She needs love and support, but not from you in secret. My sil unloaded some stuff onto me, of a similar magnitude re breaking up the family. I was really touched at the time that she trusted me enough to confide in me. But soon I felt pretty pissed off to be honest, as I was put in a potentially really tricky position.

You can't win this one, just try to persuade her to confide elsewhere next time.

She has every right to tell whoever she feels appropriate, the shame is not hers! You know, victim blaming is a large part of the problem.

@madisonbridges

So if your best friend told you a personal secret, you'd immediately go home and tell your husband? Even though it would embarrass your friend?

This isn't the same at all, your best friends secret is unlikely to affect your marriage/family/future plans/entire sense of self and is also probably something your DH would have zero interest in 🙄🙄

He is a predator and should be in prison. Yet he is free to walk the streets and abuse more children and women

I'm sorry I would be telling my husband and trying to get him out behind bars

How many other people ha he abused.? Or will go onto abuse.

@Ellen888

Do not tell DH, that will only open a can of worms.

Just keep out of BIL's way for the moment.

Sometimes it's a case of "least said, soonest mended".

Have you read the news this week? After the fact everyone always asks why nobody did anything. Well this is why right here in black and white.

The huge problem I'd have is that he may abuse or did abuse others.
The moral obligation to prevent him hurting other children
I think I'd have to say something. This is beyond being kind to your inlaws. They had a moral obligation to stop him and they didn't. Protect on person which could destroy many.

"Sometimes, my DH will say something negative (a throwaway comment) about someone in my family and I feel like saying ‘yeah, we’ll at least my brother isn’t a monster’ but I can’t as I’m sworn to secrecy."

It would be a bit low to bring it up too poor DH for making a through away comment. That would be very hurtful.

My aunt confided in my uncle (D) that my other uncle (F) had abused her. She wanted to find out if F abused D too. She swore D to secrecy but D went straight off and told their parents, who didn't know. It completely imploded the family at every generation. In this case F got cut off by everyone but it was incredibly messy and painful for everyone, not least my aunt who had to deal with her most personal and private secret being leaked by someone she trusted.

Don't tell dh. Encourage SIL to tell him if she wants to, but it's not your secret to tell and SIL deserves to be able to control the narrative. If your dh will go off and attack his brother or whatever (and make it all about him) how does that help the actual victim here which is your SIL?

I wonder how many of Jimmy Saville’s victims told someone in confidence and those people kept that confidence?

Not that I’m comparing the BIL to Jimmy Saville’s level of abuse, but the fact here is that so much abuse goes on unchecked because people feel the need to keep it a secret even when they’re told by the victim. Instead of protecting future victims, somehow the sanctity of this family is being protected, and yet this BIL presumably has a wife, children who he is probably abusing, the friends of his children who he may be abusing, children of him and his wife’s friends who he may be abusing.

He may hold a position of trust in his community, maybe a scout leader or something to do with sport or giving lifts to children to events…

I am going to say the opposite to “it’s not your secret to tell.” IMO it’s not your secret to keep.

You have an obligation to make this known, because there are countless others who need to be protected, and who may be going through the same thing at the hands of the same person, and who may be afraid to tell because they fear they won’t be believed.

I’m sorry for your SIL, but the moment she told you she lost the right for it to be kept secret.

I'm sorry I would be telling my husband and trying to get him out behind bars

And how would you do that? SIL is the victim. She may not want to go through everything that would entail.

@Kshhuxnxk

Honestly I would just tell him. If you have kids you are never I assume having him anywhere near them. At this point you are going to have to say why. That then brings up a whole host of other issues because you've kept it a secret.

This.

Unfortunately you need to tell him in order to ensure your kids aren't ever unknowingly left alone with that man - i.e. God forbid you died and you husband accepted "kind" offers of childcare from his brother?

I would let your SIL know you need to tell him for this reason but that no one else in the family will need to be told and continue to offer her support.

@julieca

And if you tell your DP, you are blowing your DPs family apart. And SIL will probably not to speak to you again either. I am not for keeping families together no matter what, but the decisions to blow the family apart is not yours to make.

So what if it blows apart a family where one is an abuser and where the parents of the abuser is more concerned with protecting him rather than believing their abused daughter.

Gosh it’s really hard
But in the same way you wish she hadn’t told you, maybe it’s better for your brother not to know? I just don’t know but it could really mess him up

That her brother assaulted her as both child and adult is particularly terrifying and reinforces the need to put his acts on record. I'd go the 'anonymous denunciation to social services' route for now.

Within the family, I'd try to work with the victim as she's suffered enough. Perhaps she is willing to come forward once her parents are dead, or at least the parent who drove the denial?

Sometimes it's a case of "least said, soonest mended

Not sure how appropriate that is in this case

The SIL did tell her parents and she wasn't believed. How devastating for her. The fact that you believe her at least opens the door for her to tell your dh or the authorities. No I don't think you should tell but if you feel you can't carry this weight alone, at least talk to her again. Tell her you'll support her if she tells your dh or police.

But yes of course reading the other replies, there is the issue of him continuing to present a risk to others. But really she should the one to report, without her support what would be done?

I'm another who thinks you should tell. Especially if you are planning children. However beforehand I would inform SIL that you need to tell your husband and state that it is because you are planning future children.
I would also be advising her to look for help. I would start with the rape crisis centre and at a minimum they can advise long term support.
I am in a somewhat similiar position however in my case it's a friends family. She refuses to tell as she thinks it would kill her parents. But in that case she disclosed to the police so if he ever goes through the Irish version of a dbs it will be flagged

And never mind the BIL, would you want your children to have a relationship with child abuse apologists? Because that’s what your ILs are.

The fact I knew this would mean I wouldn’t want a relationship with any of them. Ever. And there would just be no way to make that happen other than to tell DH.

@sillysmiles

You can't tell your DH - no good will come from that.

Of course good would come of it.

Keeping child sexual abuse quiet was and clearly is the problem.

I would tell your DH if I were you. It's a very difficult position to be put in, but given the magnitude of the subject I think telling your DH would be right. They're his family, and he could decide how to manage things with them all.

First rule of safeguarding - if someone disclosed they are asking for help. Never promise to keep a secret.

Go back to your SIL and discuss the impact on you and your relationship with your DH; and the potential risk of BIL continuing to abuse others, including his own children.

SIL receiving counselling - this is something that she should be exploring in her sessions that she is disclosing and the risk of losing control of the information as a consequence.

Regardless of the seriousness of the information being shared, it is never right to put the onus of responsibility on the recipient to hold the information. You can ask someone to be discrete regarding who they share the information with but unreasonable and wrong to expect information to be kept a secret where there is potential for others to be at risk.

This thread explains so much about why many who abuse never get 'found out'. We have had ah don't want to ruin the family, maybe she misremembered or is lying (what would she gain by doing so in this situation?), and it's not fair she told you she shouldn't have said anything. The worrying thing is there are 2 likely scenarios regarding him- he's either grown up and is horrified by his actions, or he thinks well I got away with it under my families noses for decades happy days I feel invincible.

No kids. His parents are very old and frail and my SIL is very ill as well so not sure they’d cope with it all out in the open. If I wish I’d never been told this, I can bet my DH would never want to be told this.

Sorry I see now that you have no kids yet. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage.

Before continuing to ttc, you really need to get an idea whether your DH will continue to see his brother if he knows - you need to consider that there's always the possibility that you may die suddenly when your kids are still young/teens (or any age for girls in the case of this brother) or, more likely, divorce.

Your SIL told you so that you could protect the kids, but what if you aren't there sometimes/anymore? The family court will almost certainly ignore this allegation in giving your DH considerable contact time or even 50/50 as we've seen countless times on this board. Often even leaving the kids with these sort of enabling grandparents results in the grandparents giving the abuser (sometimes even unsupervised) access. I think SIL needs to understand that too.

Bottom line though OP, think carefully about what this means for having children in this family. Often in these cases the husband sides with the dominant family position, even to the detriment of the children - and the dominant position here isn't that of your SIL.

I would call the police for advice. Offending patterns mean this is unlikely to be isolated. It's not really about your husband. What if it comes out that he's abusing others and you knew about it?