AIBU to wish I’d never been told a huge secret?

[Careve]

A few yrs ago, my SIL (DH sister), confided to me that their brother had sexually assaulted her as a child and again as an adult.
She told their parents but wasn’t believed (or they buried their heads in the sand) that it never happened.
SIL has had counselling most of her life because of what her own brother did to her.
My DH doesn’t know, SIL begged me not to tell him as my DH would want to kill his own brother and be fuming with his parents and they’d be a big family bust up.

So far, I’ve kept this a secret from DH, however,
his parents always go on about this (perverted) brother, about how much he’s achieved and how he’s buying a big new house. I’m screaming inside that he’s disgusting and should have gone to prison and that my in laws should have believed and protected their own daughter!

Sometimes, my DH will say something negative (a throwaway comment) about someone in my family and I feel like saying ‘yeah, we’ll at least my brother isn’t a monster’ but I can’t as I’m sworn to secrecy.

It feels like either I keep things a secret (as SIL wishes) or I tell DH and the whole family implodes.

@Aimee1987

After thinking about this, I would ask social services what can be done. Be honest and say you have been made aware of a historical case of child abuse by x and that you are concerned that this is not an isolated incident and there may be more children at risk. It means if he is dbs checked it may flag ( not actually sure but this is where the conversation would help).

This. Do this.

Is it possible that on some level she wants you to tell DH?

@lljkk

OP doesn't have to do anything. Not right now, anyway.

It's uncomfortable, but if/when this comes out, it will implode the family. Does OP really want to know she triggered a great big family split?
SIL obviously doesn't want that to happen. And doesn't need it to happen.

It's also SIL's story, not OP's story to tell.

Other people's secrets can be very uncomfortable, yes.

It would not be the OP that triggered a family split.

Real children could be being abused right now, someone's son or daughter by this man. If he was dead I'd agree that it was SILs story to tell but he isn't and SIL obviously believes he would be a risk to ops child (I'm so sorry you had a miscarriage) so she obviously thinks he is still a risk now.

@AvocadoTrees

It’s completely inappropriate for someone to tell you a secret *IF* keeping it from your partner will have a negative impact on your relationship with your partner. For that alone, I would tell your SIL that you are going to tell your DH.

If it was a secret that didn’t impact you or your relationship with your partner I’d say you should keep it secret, but it’s wrong to keep this type of secret from your partner because it’s about his own family, and it’s wrong that you can’t let your DH know why you are upset with his parents and his brother.

You are part of the secret in the family now, and your Dh is not. Wrong, and bad for your relationship with him.

If your SIL had told you she’d been abused by someone outside the family - yes, keep that secret. But keeping it from your DH when it’s his brother and parents who are complicit, and not giving him the opportunity to support her, is so so wrong.

I think it is a greater wrong to break the trust of a vulnerable woman who has confided in the OP. Its not OPs secret to tell and its only her husband's business if the sister chooses to tell him. I get keeping secrets from a partner can feel uncomfortable, but sometimes life is like that, its part of being an adult. It would be different if breaking trust was necessary to prevent immediate harm, but OP seems to be mainly tempted to tell as a retaliation for comments about her family, which would be unforgivable.

No way would his dps be seeing my dc. Ultimately your loyalty is to your dh.

@FiveShelties

I don't think it is your secret to tell. Your sil trusts you and you have no idea what would happen to her if you break that trust.

I don't agree with that. it depends on the values you hold for your marriage. I couldn't keep something like that from my husband. If it did implode it wouldn't be because of the disclosure it would be because it what happened.

Surely by keeping quiet more people are at risk?

I would take the view that you can only control your behaviour, not DHs or his parents. And, in the same vein, she might trust you not to tell but she can't actually stop you.

If you have children DH will need to know to keep them safe.

Protecting DH from stress results in the same as parents not acknowledging it through shame - protecting the abuser.

I would speak to SIL again and start laying the groundwork for telling your husband. Broach it and say you the secret is weighing on you and you dont want to keep it. Then again a month later, then 2 weeks, then 1 week and make clear that noone will make her formally report it but DH needs to know so he can deal with his feelings and consider how he wants to manage the situation RE you and him having kids. Finally tell her you will be telling him and sorry to break her confidence but you need support to deal with what you now know and he is your support system.

Id also tell on the grounds that of you passed and had children with DH, or potentially, he had kids with someone after you, he would be informed to protect them

Secrets have a funny way of surfacing. Maybe not now but sometime down the line.

Do you think your dp would be happy if he found out you know something of this extremity and kept him from being able to protect his sister? It sounds like he would be the only family member that would be support for your sil and would actually give a damn

ALSO

There is the big issue of children here. IF you happen to get pregnant again by any chance and you start "acting cagey against your dps brother" which is how it will be perceived in your dps eyes when he wants his brother to meet his first child and you dont, eyebrows will be raised and it will cause unnecessary problems/tension between the two of you.

Surely you know op this secret cant last. It will affect you, it will affect your relationship with dp. Better to have a mature level headed conversation with your dp about it now than wait for it to explode in your face and become a heated emotional mess

What a difficult situation. Sounds like she’s trying to protect any children. It makes me so angry that survivors of abuse end up effectively ‘protecting’ shitbags simply because they don’t want to hurt innocent other family members by speaking out about what shitbags they really are. It’s a selflessness that must be excruciating.

Could you possibly talk to her and tell her that you are finding it so hard to keep this from your husband because he too will need to know to keep children away from his brother.

It’s not your story to tell. It sounds as if she has told you in order to protect your family. It will have cost her to tell you emotionally. I understand that it is difficult for you but imagine the anger and disappointment you feel and multiply it by thousands and add in shame and guilt and realising your parents value your sibling more. There is no easy answer but the only right one is to protect her (no one else seems to be doing so) and that includes allowing her to tell her story when the time is right. It may be once the parents pass she is able to let go of the betrayal by them. How horrible.

It's not your secret to tell and right now you barely see the brother and dont have issues about keeping a child away from him (so sorry about your loss btw). So I should respect your SiL's wish to keep what happened to her private.

If the situation changes, then talk to her about it.

Protecting children massively trumps everything else here OP.

If doesn’t matter that you don’t have children, other people do and if he is a child abuser he needs removing from society. Please think about how many other child victims there might be.

The parents probably went into shock, anger then protective mode for DS - spent their lives worried he would do more to others.
So singing his praises is largely relief that it didn't go the way they feared - convictions/prison, and that he was a 'good' boy after all. Pure denial.
The only reason I feel it should be brought to light is if DSIL hasn't recovered from it and opening up would help her. But there would be a huge fallout - imagine neighbours gossipping, prosecutions. Locally 2 women accused their DF - in all the papers, he got off with it!

@Suzanne999

There are a few different issues in play here, as I see it.

1. Your responsibility ( and your SIL’s) is to protect others from the abuser. Some official record should be made of the abuse. I’d suggest you and SIL speak together to a lawyer, a counsellor, Childline, NSPCC or a doctor and make sure the abuse is put on record factually. What the abuser did, when, that GPs knew and took no action.
2. A lawyer might be best as you can also give instructions to safeguard children in the future. BIL to have no access whatsoever to present children ( and their children—- age might not change him) and any future children/grandchildren of yours.

1. It is then not a secret that you are keeping, which might help you mentally.

Whether you tell your husband is up to you. If it is something your husband cannot cope with, where potential actions will make matters worse —- for example, you tell husband, he beats his brother to a pulp, husband ends up charged with GBH —- then don’t tell him. If your husband is more likely to ostracise his brother, tell him he’s piece of shit and cut all contact forever then I think it’s safe to tell him.

This might help you and your SIL www.everyonesinvited.uk/ to unload some of the burden of knowledge but please remember my first point of protecting others.

This sounds like a sensible approach.

I’m surprised how this thread has gone as I have seen others similar and in those it has usually been supporting the victim. I know it depends on who you ask etc.
The thing I take from this thread is that if you are a victim of sexual abuse as a child and you share your very personal story in order to protect others at risk, then those you share it with may remove any control you have over that information and potentially risk your relationships. There will be backlash on the victim and they will be the one left to scrutiny. Also who knows what your DH will do, whether he will believe her and action it or whether (as her parents) he will whitewash it. If he does that then how much will your SIL lose.

@Clarkey86 so do you think all victims of child abuse should be forced to give evidence to the police for "the greater good"?

I’d explain you can’t keep the secret anymore and that she needs to tell him about it.

That's so incredibly difficult. You can't really break her confidence. She was obviously so worried about your future child being put in danger she did the right thing by telling you and it says a lot about her strength of character as it must have been so difficult for her to do.

However, if I knew my in-laws were child abuse apologists I could never speak to them again. Ever. Unless to make my feelings about them Crystal clear. They are the very reason so many of these vile men get away with their crimes. They are bad people who don't care about their own daughter. I take a very hard line on this so my conscience wouldn't allow me to tolerate them but of course that makes things hugely tricky as how do you explain that to your husband? It's an awful predicament I really feel for you OP.

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Clarkey86 so do you think all victims of child abuse should be forced to give evidence to the police for "the greater good"?[/quote]
Certainly not but I do think anybody with information about a child abuser is obliged to at least report them!

Report to whom though? The OP only has second hand information ie heresay so it's of no use unless her SiL comes forward. And she has chosen not to.

@ShineySparkleyChrissmassy

I'm thinking did she tell you so you can keep yourself safe? I realise it puts you in a tricky situation but under the circumstances I'd have wanted to know and been glad she said something. In general I don't think it's fair to expect you to have secrets from your DH. Its your closest relationship. I never tell anyone anything that I'd hate their DP to find out and I'll keep others secrets where possible, but only upto a point. I'm not willing to have something eating away at my relationship just to spare someone else's feelings. In this case, if it was me I'd do my best to keep this secret, because I'd acknowledge that she could have chosen not to tell you, which could have resulted in you being put at risk unnecessarily.

Agree. I think you need to tell SIL that you can't keep it a secret from DH and give her a chance to tell him herself.

You must be a good person op for your SIL to confide in you. I know these things are very hard to tell particularly given she had told her own parents and was not believed. How very sad for her. She also told you for what were the right reasons at the time because she wanted to protect your unborn child. I do hope she has received some help. I dont know how she can ever see her parents.

That said, it has placed you in a difficult position. Any telling will cause a huge rift with you at the centre of it. The family may still insist she had made it up, causing further trauma. I could not fail to tell my DH this information though. There is never a right time is there and this keeps the secret.

Sometimes such truths are very hard to hear and I have been on the receiving end of hearing things I just did not want to know, You had no choice though did you?

I once received poisonous phone calls years ago. They were horrible and frightening and dealt with by the Police. I actually told them I could not bear to find out who had done it and all my family thought I was mad. I had a choice though.

This will come out op because you will eventually have to explain why your future children cannot be left with or visit your BIL. Remember to, your PILs also pose a risk through their inaction.