AIBU to wish I’d never been told a huge secret?

[Careve]

A few yrs ago, my SIL (DH sister), confided to me that their brother had sexually assaulted her as a child and again as an adult.
She told their parents but wasn’t believed (or they buried their heads in the sand) that it never happened.
SIL has had counselling most of her life because of what her own brother did to her.
My DH doesn’t know, SIL begged me not to tell him as my DH would want to kill his own brother and be fuming with his parents and they’d be a big family bust up.

So far, I’ve kept this a secret from DH, however,
his parents always go on about this (perverted) brother, about how much he’s achieved and how he’s buying a big new house. I’m screaming inside that he’s disgusting and should have gone to prison and that my in laws should have believed and protected their own daughter!

Sometimes, my DH will say something negative (a throwaway comment) about someone in my family and I feel like saying ‘yeah, we’ll at least my brother isn’t a monster’ but I can’t as I’m sworn to secrecy.

It feels like either I keep things a secret (as SIL wishes) or I tell DH and the whole family implodes.

It’s a very heavy secret to keep op and I totally appreciate how difficult it must be to keep quiet. However, this is not your information to share and the consequences should you divulge it are far reaching. Your SIL really shouldn’t have told you something so devastating, but you must keep it to yourself if that’s what she’s asked you to do.

Your SIL really shouldn’t have told you something so devastating, but you must keep it to yourself if that’s what she’s asked you to do

Nice bit of victim blaming, and what about the children he might be abusing now?

Thinking about it some more, I do believe OP you should tell your husband, to protect other children.

But, what if your husband doesn't believe his sister (after all, his own parents didn't believe her)? Can you guarantee your DH would believe her?? I think you may be in for a sad shock if your DH turns to you and says "I don't believe her". Then what would you do then?

Your SIL told you and you believed her and listened to her. Thank you.

I think you should consider the possibility that she told you, someone outside of the family, so that you would do something about it.

I don't think that it is something that should remain her secret shame to bear. Maybe she would consider writing a victim statement and sending it to her brother and to her parents.

Your DH might well be angry with his brother and his parents, but it is not his place to go and beat his brother up. It would be his place to support his sister and do whatever she wants him to do.

Perhaps also sending a letter... To Brother.. I know what you did and I no longer want to have anything to do with you. Sister does not want this placed on record and I hope that one day she changes her mind. In the meantime, you should be aware of the impact this abuse has had on her life and that of her children as they have suffered due to having a parent who born this terrible burden without being allowed to heal from it. I hope you reflect on your actions and consider how you can make reparations for this, including voluntarily supplying this information to the police so that they can consider whether you need to be placed on the sex offenders register. I would also urge you to seek counselling and find a way to acknowledge the damage you have caused so that SIL can move forward with her life and begin to heal.

I think you have done a very difficult but really kind thing for your SiL in being her confidant. If your husband seriously would attack his brother I get absolutely why you feel you can't tell him because getting him in trouble with the law wouldn't improve the situation at all.

I also get the thing about its not your secret to tell although I am a bit ambivalent about that. I used to know someone who was a counsellor, a very good one, and she would talk to me a bit about her job, no specifics but what she had learned in her studies. One of the things that she told me, and I offer it for your consideration, is that people tell you things for a reason an often its because they want you to do something with the informationbut they can't ask you to do it....so can i suggest that if you can, you explore with your SiL why she told you? For instance does she want you to say something that she feels that she can't because she doesn't want to be responsible for the consequences but wants the thing said?.....I dunno.....but worth thinking about and talking to her about?

@ChateauMargaux Snap!

That is awful. Do you trust your husband to believe her?
If you do I would tell him.

If you think he would cause he more damage by gaslighting her, do not tell him.

One brother abused her but being gas lit by the ''good brother'' could be even more wounding.

I would actually tell your husband. This affects everyone. Imagine if he abuses someone else's child. You are not a councellor and should not be keeping a secret of this magnitude. You're married, there should not be any secrets like this, between you both.

This is such a difficult position for you OP, never mind the terrible experience your SIL has had.

However, on safeguarding courses, the advice is always: you can’t keep a secret. You say ‘I am so glad you told me, you did the right thing telling me. I need to talk to other people to keep
You and others safe.’

My DS (17) has a classmate struggling with mental health, and a few times say they are going to commit suicide. The first time DS was frantic with worry and told me, but then worried he should not have told me, and was hysterical when I said I would have to contact someone. (7.30 at night, we were so worried.) I said that keeping people safe took priority over keeping secrets/ confidences.

I am afraid I agree with a lot of posters on this thread: abuse thrives in secrecy. As others have just because OP doesn’t have kids, or SIL never leaves hers alone with the abuser, does not stop this man being dangerous to others.

Like a PP I've been thinking more about this. Your SIl told you when you were pregnant so she obviously thought your child was at risk. Your PIL knew but did nothing. In all abuse cases there will have been people who knew or were sworn to secrecy which simply enabled them to continue abusing and abusers don't just have one victim. Please tell someone you may be saving another child life.

Why do you believe her OP?

Before people jump on me, I have (through work and volunteering), worked with genuine rape victims and those with mental health problems who claimed to be raped, only to later admit they'd made it up.

I'd tell your DH. He may be able to find out more and get the right support in place too. Do you have kids? Do you not need to protect them, if its true?

OP, are you in counselling yourself?

It's a wretched position to be in. Part of me thinks your loyalty should be to a victim who confided in you - it's not your secret to tell. Part of me thinks that keeping secrets is how these things are perpetuated.

But what is clear is that the act of keeping the secret is unbearable for you. You need your own support in dealing with this - someone completely unconnected to the situation who can listen to how you feel. IMO a professional counsellor is best placed to do this.

First off I would not want to be around your parents in law.

What a shower.

Their daughter has most likely had issues her whole life because of this.

That he assaulted her again as an adult indicates a feeling of invincibility.

He is a truly evil person.

I certainly do not tell my husband everything and would never betray a confidence of a friend to my husband, it simply is none of his business.

This feels very different to me.

I would not want to be anywhere near your BIL ever again and his parents likewise.

I feel very sorry for your SIL but I would not be keeping something like this from my husband.

I couldn't anyway because there is NO way I would be in his company again.

This is a very dangerous man and he needs reporting.

I don't believe for a second your SIL is his only victim and I couldn't stay silent on that basis.

The impact on your in laws wouldn't concern me at all, however elderly.

They know bloody well what he did but have sacrificed her for their own selfishness.

Awful people, completely unforgivable.

Realistically unless SIL wants to take it further what is anyone going to be able to do? Op has no evidence other than what sil has told her so would be only be reporting heresay. If OP had more concrete concerns about some potentiial risk to someone else this would be different. Betraying SILs trust at this stage would probably have very real and potentially devastating consequences for SIL on the other hand and risk retraumatising her. OP should support sil to think about reporting it herself.

After thinking about this, I would ask social services what can be done. Be honest and say you have been made aware of a historical case of child abuse by x and that you are concerned that this is not an isolated incident and there may be more children at risk.
It means if he is dbs checked it may flag ( not actually sure but this is where the conversation would help).

She told you so you could protect your unborn child the poor woman.

Personally I'd tell her that you want to ensure he never does what he has done to her to another person and will therefore support her in coming forward to the police. But explain in any event you need to tell DH as you are finding it too upsetting to deal with alone.

Hopefully your DH will be respectful of your SIL in the way he handles it.

What a difficult situation, OP. I feel for you.

As others have said, this isn't really a secret you can keep. I would suggest talking to your SIL and explaining that you cannot keep this secret, and agree with her how to proceed from there.

I would also want DH to know, before you have kids together, as his reaction to this information is going to tell you a lot about the kind of man he is/father he will be.

I think on balance I'd keep the secret for your SIL sake. She did what she thought was the right thing telling you at the time you were pregnant, not because she wanted to burden you. To the people saying it might keep others safe - only if the SiL agrees to talk to the authorities, and I think this would be very harsh to make this decision for her and take the control out of her hands especially if she is very ill. It sucks but she wasnt believed and had the control taken away the first time she told someone and I just don't think I could do that to her the second time. Especially if you only see him once every year. You could talk to her and encourage her to speak to the authorities or her parents again with your support or say you are struggling with the knowledge yourself and want to say something to her parents along the lines of 'please stop going on about what an amazing son he is, I know about what he did to SIL' but given this may have repercussions for her I wouldn't do it behind her back. Remember the repercussions will be worse for her than anyone else out of this if you do say anything (unless you think your husband can be trusted to keep the secret which it doesn't sound like)

Gosh, what an awful secret and burden

Does it make you wonder about other awful secrets the family may have? Maybr brother was abused himself?

I would have to tell my husband. Share the load. Its his family's shame. Not yours

Sympathies OP.

For me the safety of children and women trumps everything else in this case. This man can reasonably said to be a danger to children. For that reason I would be looking for way to take this further.

I'd definitely start by talking to SIL a lot more. As others have said, part of her telling you may well have been in the hope that you would do something about it. Her DD and any future children of yours could certainly be at risk from this man. How would you keep your DCs safe from BIL if no-one else knows his history?

I would also explain to SIL that this is not a secret you can keep any longer, it's too much for you personally. And that you really want to tell your DH.

Yes it will cause an explosion in the family. But that is all your BIL fault ultimately and as others have said, he does not deserve to be protected, let alone praised. Good luck.

OP doesn't have to do anything.
Not right now, anyway.

It's uncomfortable, but if/when this comes out, it will implode the family. Does OP really want to know she triggered a great big family split?
SIL obviously doesn't want that to happen. And doesn't need it to happen.

It's also SIL's story, not OP's story to tell.

Other people's secrets can be very uncomfortable, yes.

There’s something else to consider here aside from whether the dh might go and beat the shit out of the brother. There’s a chance that he might not believe your SIL either, in which case wouldn’t you want to know? I certainly wouldn’t want to stay married to someone who protected a child abuser and who might potentially have no qualms in my children having a relationship with that abuser and, not believing them if they themselves were abused.

So not only would I feel I had to tell him because it’s the right thing to do, but I would also have to tell him so that I could consider my marriage if it came to that.

Christ on a bike. Some posters are weird. SIL can't tell anyone, OP is like Jimmy Saville victims and/or excusers and a lot of other twaddle.

OP. All you can do is talk to your SIL and tell her how conflicted you are by what she has told you. How much you want to support and help her. That you feel very torn by knowing this and your DH not being told. That you feel obliged to help her but can't without telling DH. That you know this may not be what she wants, that is your help let alone anything else. Discuss it with her. Find out what she wants to do.

But, in real life, I'd find it very hard not to tell DH. The two betrayals would tear my conscience apart.

On balance, maybe I'd keep quiet and concentrate on not being more of an emotional burden on SIL, nor feeding her negative emotions either.

First and foremost avoid becoming complicit with her. That wouldn't be healthy for either of you.

I can see how this could change lives completely. Good luck working through it.

Christ…

In general I don’t think you should keep secrets from your partner, especially when they are about his family. How would he feel about you not telling him if he were to find out? Would he understand you have kept it quiet to protect his sister’s mental health? If so, and his knowing serves no practical purpose, I guess you can justifiably keep it quiet - especially if you don’t think he’d respect his sisters wishes to keep a lid on it.

But equally it’s a massive secret to keep, so if you want to tell him, you are fully entitled to. Your SIL is ill so I wouldn’t blame her for not understanding that there are some secrets you cannot keep.

Your SILs trust has been violated in the past, please don't violate her trust in you also.

She told you solely to protect and future children you may have. Had you not been pregnant she may never have said a word.

I know it must be impossible not to tell your husband and she did put you in a difficult position, by not intentionally.

She is I'll, unclear, how serious but is it worth having a child with her in relation to her kids, provisions for them if she passes, ask her how you will tell your husband about his brother when she does, ask he would she prefer to write a letter etc.

I know many posters will say it's her duty and your to stop him abusing other child. You cannot do this, you have no evidence and nothing to report and if she isn't able to, then she isn't. It's unfair to put this burden on people who have suffered enough already. No one know what they would do until they are in someone else's shoes.