AIBU to wish I’d never been told a huge secret?

[Careve]

A few yrs ago, my SIL (DH sister), confided to me that their brother had sexually assaulted her as a child and again as an adult.
She told their parents but wasn’t believed (or they buried their heads in the sand) that it never happened.
SIL has had counselling most of her life because of what her own brother did to her.
My DH doesn’t know, SIL begged me not to tell him as my DH would want to kill his own brother and be fuming with his parents and they’d be a big family bust up.

So far, I’ve kept this a secret from DH, however,
his parents always go on about this (perverted) brother, about how much he’s achieved and how he’s buying a big new house. I’m screaming inside that he’s disgusting and should have gone to prison and that my in laws should have believed and protected their own daughter!

Sometimes, my DH will say something negative (a throwaway comment) about someone in my family and I feel like saying ‘yeah, we’ll at least my brother isn’t a monster’ but I can’t as I’m sworn to secrecy.

It feels like either I keep things a secret (as SIL wishes) or I tell DH and the whole family implodes.

I would consider telling the abuser that you know exactly what a piece of shit he is. Or sometimes a look can say it all. That’s if you see this person regularly. If not then I think you might benefit from discussing it with a professional therapist or similar. It’s a burden to bear on your own.

If her parents wouldn't protect her, would they protect their granddaughters?

OP you're information about your pregnancy changes things. If you're planning children you're surely going to have to tell your DH? Because it's his parents you can't trust with the DC either. You're going to have to tell him why you don't want to leave DC with grandparents. If it blows the family apart and destroys your marriage isn't it better for this to happen before you have DC with him? Or you're going to spend the rest of your life worrying about them during his contact time. If you're planning a family with DH you need to know that he's going to put you and DC first and have your backs, over his blood relatives. What a mess. I still think it's better that you know though, horrible though it is.

You don’t keep secrets when you’re married otherwise what’s the point? He needs to know. I’d be devastated if I knew DH was keeping something from me. It doesn’t work like that

@GeorgiaGirl52

You say your SIL is very ill, and also that she protects her daughters from her brother. What happens if she dies and the brother wants custody of the girls? No one knows the truth except you and yours is uncorroborated hearsay. If her parents wouldn't protect her, would they protect their granddaughters? You should tell your DH and also encourage your sister to talk to a lawyer. She could at least dictate a legal deposition detailing the event and the reasons she never wants her brother to have any contact with her daughters. This could be done without her elderly parents knowing or being distressed.

This is what I would be thinking about. Is it something that might mean she passes away leaving the children?

@TonkinLenkicks

You don’t keep secrets when you’re married otherwise what’s the point? He needs to know. I’d be devastated if I knew DH was keeping something from me. It doesn’t work like that

So if your best friend told you a personal secret, you'd immediately go home and tell your husband? Even though it would embarrass your friend?

Have you talked to your SIL about how you feel carrying the burden of this secret?

If the family falls apart, it would be nobody’s fault but the BIL’s. You’re not the guardian of his good fortune, you’re not there to ensure he gets away with it at your expense. Neither are you there to make your SIL’s life worse. However, she has shared her burden with you. You must now share with her that this is costing you. You can carry each other, with your DH’s help if he’ll give it.

How can your DH not have picked up that something was/is wrong though, after all this time? That the 3 of them (DH, his brother, and his sister) are never in the same room, that his sister never talks about their brother, that the brother has never been around his own nieces alone, etc, etc, etc. ? Unless he is totally oblivious to everything going on around him, how can he not know that at the very least she hates the other brother and not be curious why?

Also perhaps SIL suspects that your DH also won't believe her and doesn't want to take that chance of him finding out and rejecting her experience. It's quite possible, whether you want to admit it or not (especially as your DH seems to get on with his brother and as never suspected a thing), that your DH will shock you by siding with his parents and brother.

@GeorgiaGirl52

You say your SIL is very ill, and also that she protects her daughters from her brother. What happens if she dies and the brother wants custody of the girls? No one knows the truth except you and yours is uncorroborated hearsay. If her parents wouldn't protect her, would they protect their granddaughters? You should tell your DH and also encourage your sister to talk to a lawyer. She could at least dictate a legal deposition detailing the event and the reasons she never wants her brother to have any contact with her daughters. This could be done without her elderly parents knowing or being distressed.

This is a very good point. My dd would not go to my brother. I have PTSD from my childhood and things he did to me right up to middle age, at which point I went NC. I made provision when dd was small in the even something happened to her. She’s 13 now and her wishes would be respected. She doesn’t want to be near him either.

Has your sil written her will and expressed her wishes in writing ?

I don’t think I could keep this from my DH. It’s too big a secret to keep from him.

And more practically, what if you have a daughter? How could he keep her safe?

Usually I would respect someone’s right to privacy in this situation, but not if it meant keeping a family secret of this magnitude from my husband. I feel incredibly sorry for her, but she shouldn’t have put you in this position.

@WhoKnowsMaybeSomeDay

The SIL may deny it if you tell her secret, that would leave you in a tricky position.

I would be worried this would happen too!

Do not tell DH, that will only open a can of worms.

Just keep out of BIL's way for the moment.

Sometimes it's a case of "least said, soonest mended".

What about BIL's children? They won't be safe.

Curtain,
"Yes, and that’s how abusers get away with abuse and continue to commit abuse."

If the OP raises this she will blow the whole family dynamics to $h!trags. Abuse cases from many years ago are incredibly difficult to prosecute, especially in this case where there is no corroborating evidence.
There is always the possibility that SIL is either lying or suffering from 'false memory syndrome'. Or, as another poster said, may well deny it when it is made public.

If it were me, i'd refuse any and all contact with the offending brother. When DH asks why, explain that you can't tell him, but there are very strong reasons that you know he would agree with, and to ask his sister to explain.

I'd also support the sister in keeping away from him at future family events by offering her an alternative invite to yours whenever a family event involving him, is planned. Give her a safe 'out'. Show her you believe and support her. Don't be part of the head burying, perpetuating the travesty into a second generation.

The parents, bastards the pair of them.

It sounds like she told you as you were pregnant, and if her own parents didn't believe her, sadly she probably saw little point telling her brother which is heartbreaking. She obviously trusts and thinks a lot of you, and although yes it puts you in a tricky position, she obviously weighed up the risk of not saying and potentially putting a hypothetical child at risk of abuse over your feelings, fair enough imo.

I wouldn't tell him as she evidently doesn't want this, but you could try and empower her to tell him, and let her know you have her back.

I can bet my DH would never want to be told this

Why. Because it might make him uncomfortable? She lived it and has had to live with it since, she shouldn't feel like she has to be quiet in case the family implodes; that's on the brother who abused her.

I lived with an ex and had a similar situation. His sister told me something similar, told me to keep it a secret. Tbh I told my ex. I just didn’t want to spend time with the brother and thought ex should know. Didn’t do much good as ex was a cunt who didn’t believe her but I just wanted to wash my hands of the problem in all honesty - it was causing me a lot of anxiety and upset carrying. I’m especially pleased I did now we have broken up as one day maybe the parents will find out now that the ex knows.

I couldn’t keep a secret of that magnitude from my husband.

It's not your secret to tell and not your choice to make. How would your SIL feel to know you'd betrayed her confidence? Respect her wishes

@GeorgiaGirl52

You say your SIL is very ill, and also that she protects her daughters from her brother. What happens if she dies and the brother wants custody of the girls? No one knows the truth except you and yours is uncorroborated hearsay. If her parents wouldn't protect her, would they protect their granddaughters? You should tell your DH and also encourage your sister to talk to a lawyer. She could at least dictate a legal deposition detailing the event and the reasons she never wants her brother to have any contact with her daughters. This could be done without her elderly parents knowing or being distressed.

Yes I would encourage her to at the very least do this and maybe write a letter to you and your husband to read after her death.

I’d tell my husband. I’d no longer see the brother. Sorry op I think you should tell.

It’s a horrible situation. Damed if you do, damed if you don’t.

I’d talk to SIL about the situation. Mention about how you might have children in the future and your husband will need to know for that. Also someone mentioned her health isn’t good and she has girls. What will stop the pervert from being with them should anything happen to her?
Also are we so sure it’s all historical abuse? Does he have access to children now he could be abusing?

I would try to empower her - I appreciate this is your experience but I really want DH to know so we can all support you rather than brush what this monster did under the rug - if you want me to be there I will - but you need to be heard and believed -again if you went to the police I would support youn100 % .

I woul try that angle first and then say this is family abuse and you want to tell your DH as you feel he has a right to know

I know someone in exactly this situation she was abused by her brother sexually - in this case she is 45 and her parents don’t know as they idolise her and she managed to see him one a year and copes - but she shouldn’t have to criminals need to take responsibility. Although as my friend says he was a teenager too - she was 12 he was 14. She is planning on not telling her parents - I strongly believe if one of my children did something like this I would want to know

@ablutiions

If it were me, i'd refuse any and all contact with the offending brother. When DH asks why, explain that you can't tell him, but there are very strong reasons that you know he would agree with, and to ask his sister to explain.

I'd also support the sister in keeping away from him at future family events by offering her an alternative invite to yours whenever a family event involving him, is planned. Give her a safe 'out'. Show her you believe and support her. Don't be part of the head burying, perpetuating the travesty into a second generation.

The parents, bastards the pair of them.

Yes I’d try to empower her first but then this - refuse to be the same room or phone him etc everything in this post else you condone what he did

OP -your SIL trusts you very much. She's put you in a difficult position but it's not your secret to tell. It's a wonderful thing you're doing fir her as difficult as it is for you.

On another note posters, especially with something as sensitive as this, read the post. The OP says in her first post that her SIL has had ongoing counselling. Almost the first question is 'has your SIL had counselling?' Later on the OP discloses she herself had a miscarriage and has no children. Still asked if she has children. 🤷‍♀️