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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish I’d never been told a huge secret?

162 replies

Careve · 05/12/2021 00:58

A few yrs ago, my SIL (DH sister), confided to me that their brother had sexually assaulted her as a child and again as an adult.
She told their parents but wasn’t believed (or they buried their heads in the sand) that it never happened.
SIL has had counselling most of her life because of what her own brother did to her.
My DH doesn’t know, SIL begged me not to tell him as my DH would want to kill his own brother and be fuming with his parents and they’d be a big family bust up.

So far, I’ve kept this a secret from DH, however,
his parents always go on about this (perverted) brother, about how much he’s achieved and how he’s buying a big new house. I’m screaming inside that he’s disgusting and should have gone to prison and that my in laws should have believed and protected their own daughter!

Sometimes, my DH will say something negative (a throwaway comment) about someone in my family and I feel like saying ‘yeah, we’ll at least my brother isn’t a monster’ but I can’t as I’m sworn to secrecy.

It feels like either I keep things a secret (as SIL wishes) or I tell DH and the whole family implodes.

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 05/12/2021 07:54

I would tell my husband.

beachblob · 05/12/2021 07:55

He assaulted your SIL as a child and as an adult which means he is still a risk. I think if it was a one-off incident many years ago (which is still terrible) then there might be no reason to share the secret. As he has assaulted her as an adult too then he is a risk to her and others.
As PP have said, I think I would talk to her and say you are struggling with keeping this from DH and need to share. Perhaps you can support her when she shares with him. Then the DH and SIL can talk about how to go forward with telling parents or not.

MargosKaftan · 05/12/2021 07:57

I do think its very unfair to expect a spouse to keep a secret from the DH/DW. I have been clear that if you tell me something you are telling DH too as I won't automatically tell him everything but won't keep things from him for someone else.

In this situation, particularly if you were planning a family or family get togethers, you should tell him. I would warn her first. But he should know. Bare in mind, your PIL can't be trusted with their grandchildren either - they refused to protect their own child. They arent safe people who make good choices.

PinkMochi · 05/12/2021 07:57

I would tell DH. This will eat you upside and what if DH finds out from someone else and then finds out you kept this ugly secret from him? He will resent you for it. You say SIL is really ill. You and DH need to protect SIL’s Dds from the monster.

Cattipuss · 05/12/2021 07:59

Also OP is there a chance she hasn't expected you to keep it from DH all of this time, but didn't feel like it was something she could do herself?

tara66 · 05/12/2021 08:01

I would also report to police. They may do nothing but should take a record which might help someone else in the future.

Jayaywhynot · 05/12/2021 08:05

I wouldn't tell your DH,.
Your SIL has had her trust badly betrayed by BIL and her DPs, she has confided in you, don't you now betray her trust.
I'd speak to her and ask if you can tell your DH but if she says no then you must honour that.
The DPs are not going to believe it anymore than they did when she first told them, BIL is not going to admit it.
Would your DH be supportive?
Being saddled with a secret that weighs you down is awful but your SIL clearly trusts you and needed someone to tell her truth to.
She's lucky to have you as her family has massively let her down

Whatinthelord · 05/12/2021 08:05

I wouldn’t tell without her permission.
I would however make it clear you think your DH would be supportive and that you would be supportive if she chooses to tell others or report to the police.

Sounds like she’s protective of her children , but like others have said is there a plan in case she dies of how they’ll be kep from in law.

Does the brother have contact with other children at all?

TillyTopper · 05/12/2021 08:07

That's really difficult for you (and her obv). If someone wants to confide in me I always say that's fine but DP and I don't have secrets, however it's happened now so you can't tell her upfront as she has already shared.

If she starts to confide in you again, I think I'd tell her that you've found yourself in a difficult position (don't mention wider family) but I'd say - DH and I don't have secrets and if she tells you anything then it's on the understanding that you may tell your DH You also need to tell her that you will at the appropriate time share with DH as it's not good for your marriage to keep something so big from him.

However, when you share with DH he has to be asked to keep his cool and think things through first.

Outlyingtrout · 05/12/2021 08:12

If you are going to have children then you really must tell your DH. There's no two ways about it. He cannot be kept in the dark about the fact that they would be at risk from a sex offender within the family. He also needs to know that his parents were told and did nothing, which makes them a safeguarding risk too and unsuitable to have unsupervised access to any DC.

I would explain your position to SIL and the reasons that you can't keep her secret from DH. Allow her the chance to tell him herself or for both of you to tell him together. Give her control of how it happens, but ultimately let her know that you can't keep it from him.

babouchette · 05/12/2021 08:14

I think it's a strong possibility that once her parents have died your SIL will tell your DH what happened and it will come out that you have known all along. The impact on your marriage could be disastrous. That alone would be enough for me to tell.

I agree with whoever said that if there brother was an abuser earlier in his life he is probably still abusing someone now. You have the power to stop this, or at least make it more difficult for him.

SofiaMichelle · 05/12/2021 08:15

@madisonbridges

So if your best friend told you a personal secret, you'd immediately go home and tell your husband? Even though it would embarrass your friend?

You're asking this on MN.

Loads of people here think telling your OH someone else's secrets is fine and that nothing is ever to be kept from them!

saraclara · 05/12/2021 08:16

The sister is very ill. So blowing the family apart with HER secret, could kill her.

I can't see anything but pain coming from this. She's likely to deny it. Its historical abuse which is very unlikely to result in any action against the brother.

What you do need to do, OP, is contact some kind of helpline anonymously. You need support and advice to deal with this burden. I don't know which organisation could help you most, but it's worth some research.

Firesidefox · 05/12/2021 08:18

I would not tell him. No good can come of it. It's an awful burden for you to eat but not kind to make others suffer too.

Firesidefox · 05/12/2021 08:19

*bear

BlondeDogLady · 05/12/2021 08:21

I wonder how many of Jimmy Saville’s victims told someone in confidence and those people kept that confidence?

Not that I’m comparing the BIL to Jimmy Saville’s level of abuse, but the fact here is that so much abuse goes on unchecked because people feel the need to keep it a secret even when they’re told by the victim. Instead of protecting future victims, somehow the sanctity of this family is being protected, and yet this BIL presumably has a wife, children who he is probably abusing, the friends of his children who he may be abusing, children of him and his wife’s friends who he may be abusing.

He may hold a position of trust in his community, maybe a scout leader or something to do with sport or giving lifts to children to events…

I am going to say the opposite to “it’s not your secret to tell.” IMO it’s not your secret to keep.

You have an obligation to make this known, because there are countless others who need to be protected, and who may be going through the same thing at the hands of the same person, and who may be afraid to tell because they fear they won’t be believed.

I’m sorry for your SIL, but the moment she told you she lost the right for it to be kept secret.

I agree with all of this ^^

speakout · 05/12/2021 08:21

I would speak to your SIL and let her know this is a secret that you dontt want to keep from your OH.
What if he finds out years down the line that you have been keeping a scret from him anout his own family?
I wouldn't want to be complit in keeping this filthy secret under wraps.

It would be best if your SIL told your OH however- so I would let her know you are not prepared to keep the secret.
Either she tells your OH or you will.
This secret will fester and do you no good to keep.
Your SIL and OH may decide not to tell their parents- but that is their business, not yours.

OrangeCinnamonCocktail · 05/12/2021 08:26

@CurtainTroubles

I don’t understand the view that “it’s not your secret to tell”. That’s a bizarre phrase and perpetuates abusive behaviour. If your SIL told you that her brother had abused another child would it still not be your secret to tell? Personally I think you have a responsibility to make this abuser known. It will come out eventually and your husband will not thank you for having kept it a secret from him for years.

How do you know this man isn’t still out there abusing women and children? His offence wasn’t a one off after all.

Personally I would speak to your SIL and say your not prepared to keep this secret from your husband, that it’s affecting your relationship with him and the wider family and that you feel you have a duty to protect other women and children from similar abuse.

Abusers need to be held accountable.

I absolutely agree. He committed an offence against SIL. He could be out there up to all sorts. It is not just some little family secret.

Yes, there will be drama, but what if it comes out and your husband knows you kept it from him? That's drama anyway?

VirusgonnaVirus · 05/12/2021 08:34

I am going to say the opposite to “it’s not your secret to tell.” IMO it’s not your secret to keep.

(You have an obligation to make this known, because there are countless others who need to be protected, and who may be going through the same thing at the hands of the same person, and who may be afraid to tell because they fear they won’t be believed.*

This and tbh I'm a bit disgusted with those that think it only need to be brought up if op has children. What about all the other children at risk? What about SILs daughters. If only she knows she is ill is she able to keep them safe? (Ie do grandparents neve have them alone?

girlmom21 · 05/12/2021 08:34

I'd tell him.
If you do have children eventually you're going to want to protect them and it's going to end up with you looking like the bad guy.

Sometimes, my DH will say something negative (a throwaway comment) about someone in my family and I feel like saying ‘yeah, we’ll at least my brother isn’t a monster’ but I can’t as I’m sworn to secrecy.

This is ridiculous though. He shouldn't be making nasty comments about your family and it would be really childish and cruel to respond in the way you're suggesting here even if he knew.

VirusgonnaVirus · 05/12/2021 08:35

@Firesidefox

I would not tell him. No good can come of it. It's an awful burden for you to eat but not kind to make others suffer too.
Good may come of it, he might be abusing now. Secrets don't keep children safe.
crikeycrumbsblimey · 05/12/2021 08:35

Not only can you not trust BIL I wouldn’t trust your PIL either, don’t care how old and frail now they failed as parents

wildseas · 05/12/2021 08:47

I wouldn’t share this secret with anyone else just now.

I think what I would do is spend more time with your sister in law, talking and supporting. And as part of that I would suggest her talking to your dh about it / letting you talk to him with a view that he would be guardian for her children if anything happened to her.

I’m not sure what age you are but if you go on to have a child of your own would change that decision for me. Dh would need to know and understand in order to protect your child.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 05/12/2021 08:53

I’d be concerned about it coming out at a later point you knew and the impact on your relationship and trust. No words of wisdom but that’s a really hard position to be in.

Suzanne999 · 05/12/2021 08:59

There are a few different issues in play here, as I see it.

  1. Your responsibility ( and your SIL’s) is to protect others from the abuser. Some official record should be made of the abuse. I’d suggest you and SIL speak together to a lawyer, a counsellor, Childline, NSPCC or a doctor and make sure the abuse is put on record factually. What the abuser did, when, that GPs knew and took no action.
  2. A lawyer might be best as you can also give instructions to safeguard children in the future. BIL to have no access whatsoever to present children ( and their children—- age might not change him) and any future children/grandchildren of yours.
  1. It is then not a secret that you are keeping, which might help you mentally.
Whether you tell your husband is up to you. If it is something your husband cannot cope with, where potential actions will make matters worse —- for example, you tell husband, he beats his brother to a pulp, husband ends up charged with GBH —- then don’t tell him. If your husband is more likely to ostracise his brother, tell him he’s piece of shit and cut all contact forever then I think it’s safe to tell him.

This might help you and your SIL www.everyonesinvited.uk/ to unload some of the burden of knowledge but please remember my first point of protecting others.