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Let myself go...DH says
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Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP's posts:
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Chisontoast · 04/12/2021 22:47

Unfortunately I have a feeling pps have a point - my partner used to tear me to shreds about my weight (went from size 10 to 12 after baby) and tell me I’d let myself go; when I did put makeup on and a nice dress he’d tell me I looked like a ‘hooker’ (his words) - there was another woman. I know this doesn’t mean that op’s oh is doing the same but for me ( based purely on my own experience) it would be a red flag.

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EightWheelGirl · 04/12/2021 22:49

@Bluntness100

I think I would not focus on the superficial here op, I doubt this is about what you look like, I think it’s a sign of something deeper he’s unhappy about and having a go.

My guess is he’s looking elsewhere and comparing you to someone else. I’m sorry, I also think he’s trying to make it your fault he’s looking elsewhere,

As said, I don’t think this is about dyeing your hair or getting to thr gym, I think he’s basically indicating something deeper is wrong

I disagree with this tbh. The OPs situation is far from uncommon.
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Slowchimes · 04/12/2021 22:50

Next Friday when he's back from gym or work, have your suitcase ready, hand him your two year old and tell him you are off to a health and beauty spa for a few days to "find your former self" and mention that you've left a few weights in front of the telly so he can exercise and look after dd at the same time, oh and please could he hoover around while he's at it? Grin

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ChristmasTreeBee · 04/12/2021 22:53

Tell him to fuck off

Absolutely agree with this.

I have been with my dh for 14 years married for 10, we have both gained weight, gotten wrinkles, grey hairs….it’s part of getting older, I still fancy the sodding pants off him, he still is the same man I fell in love with just a little softer in places.

I can honestly say while the kids were small I made zero effort with my appearance unless I was going out seriously didn’t happen much with small kids

It’s only been as mine have gotten older I have had the time to prioritise myself, and that’s only because i have made the time to go & get my hair cut etc

Be kind to yourself you have a small child.

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DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 22:53

I keep hearing about the "spa day" thing but I've never actually seen it until now.

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Bluntness100 · 04/12/2021 22:53

@Chisontoast

Unfortunately I have a feeling pps have a point - my partner used to tear me to shreds about my weight (went from size 10 to 12 after baby) and tell me I’d let myself go; when I did put makeup on and a nice dress he’d tell me I looked like a ‘hooker’ (his words) - there was another woman. I know this doesn’t mean that op’s oh is doing the same but for me ( based purely on my own experience) it would be a red flag.

Yes that’s my thought too. It doesn’t mean he is with someone else, but I suspect he’s looking and comparing, I think it’s a deeper issue, who goes in a bad mood for hours then throws that out, it also means any issues are the ops fault and not his.
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Kittykat93 · 04/12/2021 22:54

Christ I walk round the house looking like shite most of the time, although I do make an effort occasionally. Never ever would I get a comment like that, also why shouldn't you wear pjs in your own house ffs?

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me4real · 04/12/2021 22:54

This is the start of the joy that is the midlife crisis.

@PyongyangKipperbang That's true, they're a new level of arsehole, at least for a while. They think they should have some glamorous amazing life full of sex etc and resent everything in the real world, especially their partner who's in their mind stopping them having a 20-something porn star or something.

Not sure this is strictly true. Statistically, there are more overweight women than men.

Studies seem to vary. The ONS says this website is the best to go with. digital.nhs.uk/data-and-information/publications/statistical/health-survey-for-england/2019 . It says 68% of men are overweight or obese compared to 60% of women. More people have got bigger over lockdown of course.

It was a figure of speech. Point is that people are always inconsistent on here.

@EightWheelGirl In the threads where the women no longer feel attracted to their husbands, they tend to describe them as obese rather than have put on a couple of stone but more or less in a healthy range, not significantly overweight. So that's not really the same.

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MrsJBaptiste · 04/12/2021 22:55

@sassbott

OP.

Pyjamas until midday with a 2 year old? Seriously? Not going to lie, I’d find that hugely unattractive in a partner and I’d be worried that it pointed to something wider and underlying. It’s not the weight per se. Or the clothing. It’s the get up and go/ purpose/ happiness.

I totally agree, we're not talking about a 2 month old here but a 2 year old.

If I came from work and DH was hanging about the house not having done a great deal, it would really piss me off. Everyone is busy and we all need to pull our weight. Get dressed, do the jobs that need doing and crack on. That's life I'm afraid 🤷‍♀️
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VikingOnTheFridge · 04/12/2021 22:55

@EightWheelGirl

I don't think the selfishness lies in prioritising fitness, rather in prioritising yours at the expense of your partner's ability to do the same once there's a small child involved. So the OP shouldn't be having to ask for 2 nights a week. Equal access if desired should be a given.

Agreed. I was just reflecting on my own outlook.

I agree OP should have equal opportunity to get fit, although I also assumed she wasn’t quite as focused on it due to her mentioning him prioritising it.

It's hard to say really. So often in a couple the child is treated as the woman's default responsibility. OP feeling she has to ask for a couple of nights off makes me think there's a good chance that's the dynamic here.
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ReggaetonLente · 04/12/2021 22:56

@arethereanyleftatall

If you don't have the same time, and YOU would like balayage or whatever the word was again, then use this to your advantage! Next Saturday 9am 'dp, I'm off to have my hair and nails done. Like you wanted. And to go to the gym to get fit. Like you wanted. I'll be back at 7pm'

Yeah, this with bells on.

I look like shit at the moment. SAHM, young baby and preschooler, living in a different country to family so no help at all, no spare cash. The last time I had a haircut I had to take the children and so had a dry cut with no styling, very relaxing Hmm

I don't feel great in myself, DH knows that. He'd never say anything like this, it's just nasty.
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timeisnotaline · 04/12/2021 22:57

Do you work 3 days, but do most/all housework snd out of working hours parenting? If so, there’s your answer, and this can be the trigger to restructure your entire home life so your daughter has two active parents and good role models. My dh steps up to take over at home so I can exercise and go to the gym post baby (because he knows I want my fitness back, not because he wants it for me)

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ByJingoes · 04/12/2021 22:59

OP, you need to ask yourself a few questions.

Are you happy with the way you look now?

If not, you need the time and opportunity to do something about it (which you are going to try to carve out by getting your DH to look after his DD for a couple of evenings a week).

If you are, that's another matter.

However, even if you are happy with the way you look (and I personally think brows, lashes and all that shit is a complete waste of time and money), you can't entirely discount your partner's views, even if he could and should be kinder in the way he expresses them.

I would personally recoil from a partner who was still in their nightwear at lunchtime. I'd sooner shag a garden gnome. To my mind, it would signify the ultimate in laziness and sloppiness. But I know not everyone would feel this way.

I was a SAHM to far more than one child, btw, and I don't think I ever failed to get dressed or do the basics to look reasonably presentable (not make-up - never have done). By the same token, I expected XH to look at least clean, tidy and dressed.

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DrSbaitso · 04/12/2021 22:59

In the threads where the women no longer feel attracted to their husbands, they tend to describe them as obese rather than have put on a couple of stone but more or less in a healthy range, not significantly overweight. So that's not really the same.

The problem also tends to be that they're not attracted any more as opposed to overtly insulting their husbands to their faces in a deliberately hurtful manner.

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Sn0tnose · 04/12/2021 23:01

Exactly what are you supposed to do with your DD while you’re having your hair done? When you go to exercise, perhaps you could hand her over to the gym users in the weights section and they could take turns lifting her over their head while you’re on the Stairmaster. Or maybe he’d like to buy you a really big rucksack so you can put her in it and carry her while you’re on the treadmill. And is he paying for your tinted moisturiser now you’ve gone part time?

I think he’s a selfish arsehole. I think I’d tell him that he’s right; you’ve been putting him and the house first by going part time and taking the lions share of responsibility for caring for your DD which has meant that you haven’t taken any time or money for yourself. But as he’s really keen for that to change, then you’ll take him up on his offer. Then tell him how much money you’ll need for balayage, nails, new make up and a gym membership. You’ll need a clothing allowance and he’ll need to make himself available for childcare.

And then tell him to fuck off.

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OverTheRubicon · 04/12/2021 23:02

He's a dick for saying it - even if you had massively changed it would be a horrible way to say it, but doesn't sound like you have.

Does he do much around the house? It does sound like perhaps you're a bit sunk into motherhood - with a single 2 year old child and working part time, it's really unclear to me why she'd take up so much time that you are still in PJs at noon on the days she's not at nursery.

It's a good opportunity to evaluate whether the problem is actually losing yourself, or him being an arse, or quite possibly both, and how you're going to fix it.

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MelloYellow · 04/12/2021 23:02

And I’m assuming he’s not changed then during life together.
What a vile thing to say!

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MrsJBaptiste · 04/12/2021 23:03

@EightWheelGirl

I’m also torn when people say it’s selfish prioritising fitness. It’s something I’ll never compromise on because I wouldn’t feel like myself if I got fat. I don’t see it like a hobby, it’s akin to asking somebody to sacrifice their sleep or go without eating. Any partner I have will have to accept it because I’ll sacrifice them before my health.

I completely agree. I will not compromise on exercise and will put my 4-5 weekly gym sessions as a priority about a lost of other things in my life. Some people will think that's selfish but exercise comes high on my list of self-preservation and I'd go without sleep, food, etc. to get to the gym and workout.
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SmellyOldOwls · 04/12/2021 23:04

@Bluntness100

I think I would not focus on the superficial here op, I doubt this is about what you look like, I think it’s a sign of something deeper he’s unhappy about and having a go.

My guess is he’s looking elsewhere and comparing you to someone else. I’m sorry, I also think he’s trying to make it your fault he’s looking elsewhere,

As said, I don’t think this is about dyeing your hair or getting to thr gym, I think he’s basically indicating something deeper is wrong


Yes I'm sorry to say I agree with this.

I presume he's willing to pay for you to have all these beauty treatments/make sure you have childcare available and will do all the cleaning/cooking/shopping you'd have been doing otherwise when you're sitting getting your hair done?

Or is he just using this as a stick to beat you with.
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Duckrace · 04/12/2021 23:04

Don't ask; tell him you're planning to take it.

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ILoveHuskies · 04/12/2021 23:04

@Twattergy

How's he looking compared to when you got married?

This !!

We all get older, sometimes fatter! It's life

Is he a brad Pitt look alike ? I doubt it
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honeylemonteaforme · 04/12/2021 23:11

It's not you OP it's him, I think he more feeling shit about himself that he is at home on a Saturday night.

Having said that, honestly towelling dressing gowns are awful on anyone except Marilyn Monroe I wouldn't change into one at 7 on a sat night. Put a fluffy jumper on over your PJs next time

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Platax · 04/12/2021 23:44

Neither of us have loads of free time with DD, but he has prioritised the gym in the time he does have.

Well, there you go. He needs to rethink his priorities, and use some of that time to parent his child - and maybe release you to go to the gym, if of course you want to.

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me4real · 05/12/2021 00:09

The problem also tends to be that they're not attracted any more as opposed to overtly insulting their husbands to their faces in a deliberately hurtful manner.

@DrSbaitso Yes, they are just letting off steam and/or want to find a non-hurtful way of discussing it with their OH.

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EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 00:17

We all get older, sometimes fatter! It's life.

But for the most part it’s a choice and totally possible to not get much fatter. Granted, you’ll never keep the same level of tone as you age but putting on a few stone isn’t a given. Most people don’t want to put in the significant effort required. I’ve learned this after taking loads of mates to the gym and watching them flake out after a few weeks/months.

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