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Original poster

Let myself go...DH says

457 replies

Embarrassed1987 · 04/12/2021 19:31

DH and I have just had a big row.

He’s been grumpy all afternoon and I asked him what was wrong and he’s just blurted out that he doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me 😔

That I’ve massively let myself go and that I don’t look anything like the woman he married. He’s right I know, which is awful.

I’ve gained weight, I was a size 10 and now a size 14.

My hair is brushed and clean but now my only upkeep is going to the salon every couple of months to get rid of split ends. When we met I’d have balayage and styled my hair regularly.

I rarely wear make up now, when I used to wear the usuals, tinted moisturiser, blush, get my brows and lashes done.

I do dress okay when I’m out and about but tonight I was wearing my big dressing gown and PJs (not very attractive I know)

This has hurt, and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
MrsLarry · 05/12/2021 00:20

@Embarrassed1987

I just don’t have the same time that I used to, we have a daughter who is 2 and she takes up a huge amount of time. So much so that some days I’m still in PJs at noon on the days she’s not at nursery (I work 3 days a week) and am a SAHM when not working.

I would like to lose weight, and I do dress nicely when we go out, do hair and makeup etc) but that’s not often at the moment!

I'm sorry, but there's no excuse to still be in pj's at noon.. I was a single parent and still managed to be showered and dressed in a morning. If you want someone to respect you, you have to respect yourself.
EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 00:25

Studies seem to vary. The ONS says this website is the best to go with. digital.nhs.uk/data-and-information/publications/statistical/health-survey-for-england/2019 . It says 68% of men are overweight or obese compared to 60% of women. More people have got bigger over lockdown of course.

Overall there are more obese women, not that it’s a competition. It’s interesting that in the UK this is the other way around. I wonder if this is down to our drinking culture as lots of men love their beer.

Overall, about 13% of the world’s adult population (11% of men and 15% of women) were obese.

www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/obesity-and-overweight

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 05/12/2021 00:27

If someone said to me that I’d let myself go, I’d be tempted to reply that I hadn’t anyone special enough to bother trying for.

His remark wasn’t made from a place of love.

pictish · 05/12/2021 00:28

I dunno…all those saying you have a 2 yr old so PJs are fine and the order of the day. Now and then I suppose but over all it’s no more effort to put on jeans and a jumper than your housecoat and pyjamas. I didn’t schlep about in nightwear when mine were little, it made me feel like a slug (sorry but it did).
It’s not exactly dynamic is it? What are you ready for in pyjamas except bed?
Nah - it’s not for me and I wouldn’t appreciate my dh doing it either.

caringcarer · 05/12/2021 00:29

It was really nasty of him to say that to you. Next time he wants to go to the gym, get him to stay home and parent your child so you can go to gym instead, or hairdresser.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 00:31

Couldn’t you exercise at home, OP?

Over lockdown I was doing goblet squats in my living room with a 35kg dumbbell. Bloody killed me! Was also doing dumbbell rows, bench press, overhead press, etc, with a weights bench to keep my upper body firm. Also resistance bands with a door anchor to do my rear delts etc. can get a decent workout as a woman. Probs less so as a bloke as they need heavier weights requiring a barbell etc.

me4real · 05/12/2021 00:48

@EightWheelGirl I find it harder to motivate myself by myself, whereas if I go to a class they can get me working a bit harder. But everyone's different and it all helps.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 00:54

[quote me4real]@EightWheelGirl I find it harder to motivate myself by myself, whereas if I go to a class they can get me working a bit harder. But everyone's different and it all helps.[/quote]
It is harder tbh. Not just working out on your own but at home. Well it is for me. When I’m in the gym I get shit done and go home, but when I start at home I keep saying “ok, I’ll start in a minute”.

But you just have to do it. I find it helps to keep asking myself whether it’s worth being fat to save myself 3-4 hours a week. Sound silly but the biggest struggle is the mental one.

CherryBlossomAutumn · 05/12/2021 01:09

OP I think this really depends.

Does he put the effort in to still be attractive to you?

Does he put in his fair share of child/house/money? Is he a good father? Is he supportive to you generally?

Does he try to make you feel great in other ways, tell you how much he loves you, loves what a good mother you are, loves your personality?

If he DOES do those things above. And you also want to change, then even going to size 12 and feeling healthier and fitter isn’t the worst idea, but I’d get him to support that by him cooking healthy meals/letting you go to the gym or whatever.

If he DOESN’t do the above, then that’s pretty mean of him towards you. Watch out, he needs to start being more loving and supportive.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 05/12/2021 01:11

Do you even have the money for regular balayage and salon treatments ?

DifferentHair · 05/12/2021 02:57

It's so subjective, and it sounds like he expressed himself in a shitty way, but I don't think it's fair to expect partners to have no opinion or feelings when someone gains a significant amount of weight and stops making an effort with their appearance.

It's a question of values as well. If fitness and style are important to someone then it can be a problem if their partner massively drops their own standards, and I don't think that makes him or her a dick. We chose our partners based on compatibility, so a big shift can feel like a bait and switch. OP's DH goes to the gym regularly, so presumably he thinks health and fitness is important.

I don't think a 2 year old in nursery + a 3 day a week job leaves most people unable to dress themselves.

Do you have spare time as he does? Spare money? Could you go to the gym and get your lashes tinted etc?

If it was important to my partner I'd make the effort.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/12/2021 05:14

A lot of women on here are kidding themselves. Size 10 to 14 is a large weight gain (as opposed to fluctuation within your own clothing size). Having children isn’t some sort of excuse to just gain weight then think “fuck it”. I get it, I’ve have 2 and gained a horrendous amount each time (30kg - absolutely loads) and managed to lose it relatively quickly through effort despite sleepless nights and not having time or energy for the gym, breastfeeding (which I didn’t find helped weight loss at all) etc. I did it for me not for DH but I don’t see the excuse of small children; mine were exceptionally clingy and needed holding constantly. And people who tell themselves they will lose it later never do. They just don’t. Food habits become ingrained over time and weight loss is harder as we age. Look at all the threads lately about husbands gaining 2 stone and wives not finding that attractive.

I also think it’s a bit bleak to stay in PJs until lunch time, and I don’t think it sets the best example to small children. It’s also not hard to use a BB cream or something and feel a bit better about yourself if you want to.

That said, it’s selfish and it’s outrageous that he spends all his time at the gym. You need some time for yourself - and you don’t need to spend it at the gym if you don’t want to.

madisonbridges · 05/12/2021 05:27

I think he and your child are both immaterial to the issue. Are YOU happy with how you look and feel? If you are, then you have to say this is the new you and it's not changing. Then it's up to him to decide whether his future is with you or not.

If, however, his words have hurt because you're not happy, then you need to use this as a reminder to make changes so that you can be happy.

Ultimately you can't control how he feels, but you can control your response.

FindingMeno · 05/12/2021 05:32

I'm in the tell him to fuck off crew.

hivemindneeded · 05/12/2021 06:34

@FindingMeno

I'm in the tell him to fuck off crew.
I'm not. It is really hurtful but there are massive life adjustments after Dc are born and no one gets them right first time. OP has stopped prioritising herself. Her partner hasn't made time for her to do so. they both need to sort this out.

There are few benefits in slobbing around in PJs all day lugging extra weight around. It doesn't make us feel good about ourselves. It's not healthy. It doesn't make us better mothers. Just because it's hurtful to hear doesn't mean it isn't a good wake up call.

What matters now is that he is 100% supportive in giving OP time and money to get back to feeling fit. And I hope OP takes that time for herself rather than asking for it. I realised I had to start saying to DH 'I'm going to the gym now' just like he did, instead of 'Is it Ok if I...?' You don't need permission. You need to assume it as your right, just as he does. And get him to pull his weight as a dad.

Itsnotdeep · 05/12/2021 06:42

I think he expressed himself badly, but I can see his point. I don't know why you don't get dressed when you have a 2 year old? Wearing sloppy clothes all the time, no makeup, pulled back hair isn't making much of an effort. It feels nice if you do make an effort for your partner I think (for them and you), and it is nice to get out and away from parenting for a night ever so often.

I also agree that going from a 10 to a 14 is a big difference. You probably do look different. It's a balance between accepting that you are going to change as you have children and get older but also not becoming a complete slob.

MaHBroon · 05/12/2021 07:08

Op, you need to prioritize yourself even if it’s wakening up 15 mins before your Dd and getting dressed for the day. You never know you may even enjoy putting a bit of moisturizer on and a bit of lippy.

Also, going to the gym will be good for you.

One thing though. I’m wondering if he’s having his head turned at the gym and I suspect what he said to you is part of a much bigger problem.

It really is time to take heed and look around you at your life in general as I don’t believe that comment has come from nowhere - and you never know you may just discover you’re as disgruntled as he is.

Whydidimarryhim · 05/12/2021 07:13

Yes he’s entitled to his opinion but is it a gym bunny he wants or a real person - what happens if you become unwell - how does he cope with that.

Simonjt · 05/12/2021 07:34

I think partners should be able to have these conversations, we would tell the other if they had become fat, or stopped showering etc, obviously you should use tact when saying it. We would both be worried if the other wasn’t exercising, just as we would be if the other chose to stop eating fruit and veg. People weirdly think exercise is optional, but they wouldn’t say the same about eating fruit and veg.

I don’t know womens sizes, but a google shows a size 14 is quite a bit above the serious risk of developing heart disease, type 2 diabetes and stroke where waist size is concerned.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/12/2021 07:41

People weirdly think exercise is optional

It’s not always possible to go to the gym with small children. It’s possible to eat well and go for walks etc but just want to say the gym
Isn’t the only thing….

DeepaBeesKit · 05/12/2021 07:44

How's he looking compared to when you got married?

This. Any mere hint of this type of shit from DH and I remind him he used to have nice arms and shoulders from sport, and the hair on his head has waltzed off into the sunset with the flat stomach I had pre kids.

That said, I think it's easy when kids are little for mum to never get any time for a bit of exercise and self care and that's not good. My rebuttal to a dickish comment like this would be:
"Ok, new regime! We'll all be eating vegetarian 5 days a week as its healthier, you included. You'll need to get up with the kids 3 days a week while I do my hair. And you'll need to deal with bedtime 2-3 times a week while I go to the gym."

DeepaBeesKit · 05/12/2021 07:45

I don’t know womens sizes, but a google shows a size 14 is quite a bit above the serious risk of developing heart disease, type 2 diabetes and stroke where waist size is concerned.

Are you sure you are looking at a UK 14? A UK 14 woman of the average height of women in their 30s will usually have a healthy BMI, its curvy, not overweight.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 05/12/2021 07:46

@DeepaBeesKit

OP has answered this - husband looks the same as when they met

hivemindneeded · 05/12/2021 07:51

@Whydidimarryhim

Yes he’s entitled to his opinion but is it a gym bunny he wants or a real person - what happens if you become unwell - how does he cope with that.
It's not either or. I think we absolutely should feel able to tell our partners if they stop takimg care of themselves. And however it's phrased, it will be very hurtful.

If OP's man was perfect he would have said, 'let me have DC today. You go to the gym and get your hair done and let's make sure you have time for yourself to do all those fitness classes you used to love. You deserve it.' But we're not perfect. In the fog of raising a small child, he spoke tactlessly. But it could be the cue OP needs to start taking her own care, health and needs seriously and prioritising them.

Fairylights25 · 05/12/2021 07:52

I imagine you are doing the grunt work - most of the childcare and as a result you are not spending time on yourself, and it is showing not through a lack of make up or hair colour but by the way you feel about yourself. I wonder if you have lost confidence op.

It is NOT right that he has the time and money for the gym but you do not.

As we age we change so much, everyone does, to me the fact your dh looks the same tells me who is doing most of the work... no miracles involved, he is prioritising himself, you are prioritising your child and him. It is disgusting that he is not more grateful for the love and time you put into your family rather than just judging how you look.