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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How long can I date without sex?

152 replies

Datingsucks · 04/12/2021 15:16

So I move slowly, it takes me a long time to see if I even like the person.
Let alone to move to more serious business.
I’m also pretty inexperienced so I also want to move carefully.
These times were definetly for me.

So, if anyone has any advices how to navigate this?

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 04/12/2021 15:21

As long as you want OP. I don’t think there’s a time limit tbh.

Lockheart · 04/12/2021 15:32

You can date as long as you want without having sex, but you will find that probably limits the pool of men who will want to date you. There will be men out there who have the same approach as you, but you will have to work harder to find them. The usual mainstream dating apps probably won't work for you; you might get a lot of matches but they likely won't be compatible. I'd approach an actual old fashioned matchmaking agency. You'll get fewer hits but they'll be more likely to align with your needs.

shouldistop · 04/12/2021 15:39

Do you never just want to have sex because you really, really fancy someone?

Original poster
Datingsucks · 04/12/2021 15:42

@shouldistop

Do you never just want to have sex because you really, really fancy someone?
No. This has never happened.
OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 04/12/2021 15:45

To answer your question, possibly not much longer than a month. Just be honest. There are men who will wait, it's just a matter of finding one.

shouldistop · 04/12/2021 15:46

No.
This has never happened

I'd say that's quite unusual. From your op it really sounds like you don't want sex at all and want know how long someone will date you without it?

Everyone will be different but I'd be upfront about it after a few dates so you're both on the same page.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/12/2021 15:49

When I was in my early 20s I wasn't against one night stands and had a few. But ironically when I met DH, who I fancied and liked so much that he seemed more "special" than any men previous, I wanted to take it more slowly and date in the more old fashioned sense of the word. He never once pestered me for sex. We used to enjoy our dates so much knowing the pressure was off and we could just date for a couple of months (lots of snogging though ha ha)

I really look back on those early days with such fondness, remembering the fanny gallops at just, say, his hand brushing my knee accidentally when we were chatting in the pub, or even thinking about him on the way to a date. It was dead sexy ha ha. Think it was about 3 or 4 months before we finally had sex. nearly did ourselves an injury when we did. Grin

I'm 48. Not sure I would get on with the dating thing if I was young and singgle these days, with the expectation of having sex after a couple of dates. It would make me think that the first few sexless dates were about the man just going through the motions so he could shag me, and then onto the next woman. I don't get the whole trying people for size thing of dating (and shagging) multiple at the same time, and then discussing being exclusive or whatever the young ones call it.

It's just odd to me. I feel like i'm on another planet when I see how it's done these days.

ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 15:51

I'd say if things are chugging along nicely you'd close the deal on maybe date 3 or 4

Cocomarine · 04/12/2021 15:53

I’m not sure personally why inexperience would hold you back - that sounds like nerves rather just wanting to get to know people more. So as you become more experienced, that reason would fade away?

Wanting to wait until you know if you like someone… well, you must always wait as long as you want to of course. There are no rules.

If I were dating someone who wanted to wait, my interest in waiting would depend on their other physical behaviour. If it seemed that they simply weren’t sexually motivated, I’d move on.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/12/2021 15:53

"Close the deal"? Jesus......Hmm You make it sound like it's an expectation that people should just go along with. How depressing.

ICanSeeARainbow123 · 04/12/2021 15:55

@CurlyhairedAssassin

"Close the deal"? Jesus......Hmm You make it sound like it's an expectation that people should just go along with. How depressing.
Oh come on now. It's just an expression
DoreensEatingHerSoreen · 04/12/2021 15:57

OP have you come across the term Demi sexual?
I'm not a believer in everyone needing a label or to fit into a box, but a friends told me about this as she thought it sounded like me and I actually agree!
Demi sexual is kind of half way between sexual and A-sexual, but specifically only being sexually attracted to people you have already formed an emotional connection with.

Like you - I've never really wanted sex with someone until I've got to know them and developed feelings ☺️

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/12/2021 15:58

God forbid I had to ever date again at my age, but you know what I'd do if I did and had to go on a dating site, OP? I'd actually put in my profile "looking for good company, attraction, fun and possibly long-term relationship if things go well. I don't sleep with anyone until I've got to know them really well. Don't even bother contacting me if you'd expect sex after 3 dates because it's not going to happen. ps don't response if you view this as a challenge, either."

GrinGrinGrin

I think you just have to lay out your terms when you're arranging the first date, OP. You'll know immediately if they're only after sex.

simpledeer · 04/12/2021 15:59

Take as long as you need. If someone is pestering you for sex before you are ready then they don't have much respect for you or your boundaries.

Much better to find that out early on.

Good luck Flowers

PermanentTemporary · 04/12/2021 16:02

I'm very sexually motivated myself and even so I'd say there isn't a timetable, but being upfront as per the pp's post would be a very good idea. A high proportion of people on the site will be thinking sex will happen early and often.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/12/2021 16:04

Oh come on now. It's just an expression

It's interesting you used such a transactional, business kind of term. That's how I view modern dating, with the swipe right, instant yes or no split second decision, basing interest on a trout pout photo, or the size of muscles a man has, or god forbid, a dick pic with a "what do you think" winky face It's just so.....eurgh...... It's really like you're assessing the goods on a purely superficial basis, picking an item from a catalogue, with body language and natural chemistry not coming into it at all.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/12/2021 16:09

Depends a bit on age and experience I'd say. When younger I would wait longer. Now I know straight away if I'm keen and also it's less of a big deal having done it more, so less reason to wait. (Would still wait long enough to get to know someone though - sex with a virtual stranger is asking for trouble). But agree with a pp about the excitement of a hand brushing a knee in the early stages....it's fun, why rush it? You can't get that stage back once it's gone.
Just be honest about what you're after. If someone's not on the same page they will not be the right person for you.

emuloc · 04/12/2021 16:17

@ICanSeeARainbow123

I'd say if things are chugging along nicely you'd close the deal on maybe date 3 or 4
Not for me. I would have to be dating a lot longer than that. Why rush things?
Phrowzunn · 04/12/2021 16:17

About 3 months of seeing each other every day, lots of kissing etc and sleepovers too but no sex until 3 months in. We actually said I love you before we ‘did the deed’. Been together 15 years and he is still amazing, patient, respectful, kind, funny and sexy as hell 😍 but I’m really lucky.

PermanentTemporary · 04/12/2021 16:24

Lots of people enjoy sex with a stranger far more than an evening in the pub or whatever. I'm one of them. Nothing says that we have to set the timetable though. Stick to your own preferences OP.

ikeepseeingit · 04/12/2021 16:34

Take as long as you need OP! It'll weed out lots of men that are only wanting to date for sex anyway. In terms of how to navigate, just say you're the kind of person who has to get to know someone very well before you have sex, and it can take a while to build up to it. The right person will understand what you mean.

I second the thought that you might be demi-sexual. It's just a term for needing to get to know someone before you can fancy them. I feel similar, there are very very few people that I have ever actually wanted to have sex with just from looking at them. But if I am around them for a while I can have a crush on them for sure. That's also not to say I don't find people attractive. I can see when someone is attractive, but I would never be able to have a one-night stand with them. Give me three months and I might change my mind 😂

ThePoisonousMushroom · 04/12/2021 16:37

Do you want to have sex at all OP?
You can date for however long you want without sex, you don’t owe it to anyone. There will no doubt come a point when your partner wants to take things further, at which point you can explain how you feel and he can decide if he’s happy with that or not. If not, he can walk away.

ThePoisonousMushroom · 04/12/2021 16:38

Just as an example, I was with one long term boyfriend for around 2 months before having sex. Another, approx a month.

WallaceinAnderland · 04/12/2021 16:39

It's a good way to weed out the people who are interested in you long term. You don't have to sleep with anyone at any time unless you want to.

BurbageBrook · 04/12/2021 16:40

Most men would get a bit antsy that things weren’t going anywhere after around a month or so I think. But you can wait as long as you like.

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