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Original poster

How long can I date without sex?

152 replies

Datingsucks · 04/12/2021 15:16

So I move slowly, it takes me a long time to see if I even like the person.
Let alone to move to more serious business.
I’m also pretty inexperienced so I also want to move carefully.
These times were definetly for me.

So, if anyone has any advices how to navigate this?

OP posts:
YuleHaveAWonderfulChristmas · 04/12/2021 16:49

Due to a few circumstances I didn't have sex with my DP for 10 weeks. We had about 4 dates a week - we were exclusive by week 2.

I'm apparently demi sexual and just didn't fancy him (but liked who he was a lot) until the 10 week mark.

RobotValkyrie · 04/12/2021 16:55

Some people will have sex on a first date, some will wait till marriage, some will never have sex. One size does not fit all. You do you.

furbabymama87 · 04/12/2021 16:56

I think it's best to be upfront about it. You should never be pressured into sex you don't want but at the same time, you can't expect someone to get into a relationship with someone who doesn't really like sex and be ok about it. So it might limit your dating pool, but I think it also depends how long you're willing to wait. A man who's worth it won't mind waiting longer but it's unrealistic to expect someone who's in a relationship with you to do without sex for a long time.

EssexLioness · 04/12/2021 16:57

About 3 months for us. Stayed over several times before that, kisses etc but time was right for us. No need to rush things. Worked out well as we are still very happy almost 20 years later and can’t imagine a time not being.

Taoneusa · 04/12/2021 17:03

Date as long as you want to without sex. That’s the true and simple answer.
The person you are dating would have to agree, of course. Grin

If they don’t agree, you might not want to date them any more!

PermanentTemporary · 04/12/2021 17:05

There is a massive difference between someone who doesn't much like sex and someone who needs to know their partner well before wanting sex with them.

TractorAndHeadphones · 04/12/2021 17:11

@PermanentTemporary

There is a massive difference between someone who doesn't much like sex and someone who needs to know their partner well before wanting sex with them.
^. How old are you? I'd say that no sex isn't an issue if you have good chemistry etc but they'd expect some physical activity (kissing, cuddling). It really depends on the person just be honest. There are also plenty of inexperuenced men if you're mid-early twenties.

Once people get older meeting the right person becomes more important and if you really click a decent man will be willing to wait. However you can't take a very long time to decide....

LittleGwyneth · 04/12/2021 17:53

Would you consider looking at asexual dating? Plenty of people who are asexual still want relationships, and it might make life easier. I think you'll probably find that people who aren't asexual to expect sex at some point, and it's not fair for you to be pressured, or for them to spend their time on a relationship which isn't likely to become physical.

housemaus · 04/12/2021 17:54

@WallaceinAnderland

It's a good way to weed out the people who are interested in you long term. You don't have to sleep with anyone at any time unless you want to.
I don't think that's necessarily true. When I met DH, for example, I knew from date one I liked him a lot and we really got on - I could see (as much as you can after a couple of weeks talking and one date) potential.

If after a month or two we still hadn't slept together, I'd have called things off. Not because I wasn't interested in long term, but because it would have shown a very different attitude towards sex than me and that would have been an incompatibility.

As it was we had sex on our second date and I knew then I wanted to marry him...horses for courses!

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2021 17:58

You never have to have sex unless you wish to. However no one has to be in a celibate relationship with you.

If you have issues with sex, in that you’ve never just wanted to have sex with soneone, I think it’s something you need to be honest about. Find the right words, or look for someone who is the same.

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2021 17:59

As it was we had sex on our second date and I knew then I wanted to marry him...horses for courses!

What’s the point of gloating like this. Do you feel it helps the op?

housemaus · 04/12/2021 17:59

OP, you don't have to have sex until you want to. There's no rule, and there's no right or wrong.

If someone wants to have sex sooner than you'd like, then that's a mismatch and you're probably not suited anyway, so it's not a bad thing at all to be upfront about it - someone who is fine with waiting has a similar outlook on it to you and therefore will be better suited to you. What I'm trying to say is - don't worry you'll meet someone 'perfect' and then you'll mess it up by not having sex. Sex isn't something you give as a reward, it's a mutual thing. So if someone seems great but their approach to sex/the value they place on it/when they want to first have sex doesn't line up with yours, you're not ruining anything - you're just finding out that you weren't as compatible.

Be honest and upfront about the fact that you're more of a slow burner and that you like to really know someone first. You'll weed out people who aren't on your wavelength and you'll feel more comfortable knowing you've been clear and set your boundaries at the start, rather than waiting and then telling someone once they bring it up as an issue.

Keepitonthedownlow · 04/12/2021 18:02

I'm 41, dating a new guy roughly once per week and we waited 8 weeks. It felt right.

Smartiepants79 · 04/12/2021 18:05

@shouldistop

Do you never just want to have sex because you really, really fancy someone?
This has never happened to me either. I have to know someone really well to be interested in being that vulnerable with them. I need complete trust. I have never had any interest in sex with strangers. I don’t think it’s that unusual and I find the expectation that if you haven’t slept with them after knowing them for barely a month then they’re not going to be interested anymore utterly depressing. OP you wait as long as you want, the right person will stick around.
notanothertakeaway · 04/12/2021 18:09

Wait until you're ready

No one should pressure you to do anything before you're ready

NameChange776543 · 04/12/2021 18:09

Early 20s and through my experience/experiences of friends most wait around 2 months from matching and talking with someone. My partner and I talked for 14 weeks before meeting as he was in another country and we had sex 1 week after meeting but I personally think it was too fast. we’ve been together over 3 years. If I dated again I’d like to see someone 1-3 times a week and wait at least a month before sleeping together but also I’d say I’m probably more towards asexual. I don’t hate sex during it but if I lived alone I would never have any desire for sex and I never have any desire to do anything solo and never have. My boyfriend always initiates unless I do it knowing it’ll be fine once we’ve started. I was sexually assaulted when I was 18 so my approach may be skewed and I think it definitely affects how much I enjoy sex but it is never uncomfortable or bad.

OlympicProcrastinator · 04/12/2021 18:10

I disagree that you need to be on the same wavelength. My DH would have liked to do it much sooner but I wanted to wait until I really knew him and was fairly sure it was going to go the distance. It was just short of 3 months before we did.

If someone likes you enough they will wait even if they want more. If they are going to dump you for someone that sleeps with them quicker then they don’t like you that much and it seems really odd to quickly shag someone before they move on.

StrychnineInTheSandwiches · 04/12/2021 18:14

You can take as long as you like, OP. No guarantee the other party will want to wait as long though. If I met a man and he told me he preferred to wait 6 months until having sex with a new partner I'd respect that but end it. Because we'd be on completely different pages.

Your best bet is being really clear on your dating profiles about what you're seeking and that you're emphatically not interested in hook-ups.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/12/2021 18:37

I’m like this.

It’s not a sexuality or Demi sexuality, it’s about wanting to know you’re not going to get pissed about.

Everyman I’ve dated ive fancied from day 1. But not slept with them for a while.

Starcup · 04/12/2021 19:11

My advice would be ‘you will know when you want to and feel ready’ if you don’t feel like you know or aren’t sure if you’re ready, I’d guess they aren’t for you.

PermanentTemporary · 04/12/2021 19:38

I'm 52 and I think it's fair to say I've dated a lot both casually and seriously. I'm finding the idea that waiting for a month or 2 or 3 months or longer to have sex is some kind of abnormality or indicates that the person is on the asexual spectrum absolutely bizarre.

shouldistop · 04/12/2021 19:46

It's not the waiting for sex that's slightly odd but the way op worded her post sounded like she's not interested in sex at all and is wondering how long she can put it off for.
There's obviously absolutely nothing wrong with not being interested in sex but it's best to be honest with a potential partner.

Moonface88 · 04/12/2021 19:47

Came here to ask if you thought you might be demisexual and @DoreensEatingHerSoreen got there before me. I second that traditional dating apps may not be for you but there is a version for Asexuals called Acebook where you might find some like-minded people.

Pyewackect · 04/12/2021 20:01

It's a good way to weed out the people who are interested in you long term

............ because they either think you're not interested or they are being played !.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/12/2021 20:03

As long as you need.

If he won’t accept that, he’s not right for you.

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