How long can I date without sex?

[Datingsucks]

So I move slowly, it takes me a long time to see if I even like the person.
Let alone to move to more serious business.
I’m also pretty inexperienced so I also want to move carefully.
These times were definetly for me.

So, if anyone has any advices how to navigate this?

Hey OP I’m from a background where sex isn’t treated so casually, never even touched a guy until I was 25 so want to share my experience.

If you’re upfront about being experienced a lot of guys are willing to wait if they’re into you. When you meet a guy you like progrès if naturally, hold hands, kissing touching etc. Sex doesn’t always mean penetration. Once you’re more comfortable with physicality you can give him a blowjob, or have him finger you.

To get more comfortable with sex you can try using dilators. I wasn’t able to have PIV when I first got a BF as my muscles tensed and wouldn’t allow it. A bit of ‘practice’ daily with dilators got me used to it and enabled us to finally have PIV.

It will take a bit of trial and error. Since you don’t have much experience treat it as a learning journey. Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with, be honest. It’s then up to the other party. I will say though at least small physicals things like kissing and holding hands or cuddling should be happening

@StarlightLady

Please! Oral is a 2 way thing and the best route to orgasm for many women. It should not be all about male pleasure. And finding out early on, which men are happy to oblige is not to be underestimated.

Glad that my DP likes indulging in a bit of clit action 😎

Until I'm ready I've never been pressured. Wait as long as you wanted op.

@AgathaAllAlong

This demisexual thing is utter nonsense. Only feeling sexually attracted to people you know is a completely normal dating and sexual pattern, it isn't something you "are" and it isn't a deviation from the norm.

The term exists, in my opinion, to enforce the (perceived or desired) current cultural trend of sleeping with people you don't know so well. Which obviously is also fine, and in no way deviant. But it's only a cultural trend, what's normal for us here and now. It's not the only way of doing things, and you don't need a label if you're not like that. Fast fashion is also a cultural trend, you're not demifashionable if you prefer to buy fewer pieces.

(Don't read into the metaphor, I'm not saying that sleeping with people earlier = sleeping with more people or sleeping with worse people, my point is just that not fitting into a cultural tend, especially one that lots of people don't engage with anyway, does not warrant a label)

Agreed!!!

@ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou

Until I'm ready I've never been pressured. Wait as long as you wanted op.

Same here.

I get attracted to someone by sharing a connection which takes me a little time to build.

I've dated a bit and never done the whole sex on a third date rule.

I do it when I/we want to.

All the guys I've ever dated have never pressured me and always have wanted to continue seeing me whether we had sex of not.

@DoreensEatingHerSoreen

OP have you come across the term Demi sexual? I'm not a believer in everyone needing a label or to fit into a box, but a friends told me about this as she thought it sounded like me and I actually agree! Demi sexual is kind of half way between sexual and A-sexual, but specifically only being sexually attracted to people you have already formed an emotional connection with.

Like you - I've never really wanted sex with someone until I've got to know them and developed feelings ☺️

Wow, i thought it was normal to only be sexually attracted to someone you have formed an emotional connection with. Shouldnt it be like that? I mean Demi Sexual as a label? Thats a bit weird?

I don’t think we need to go to the demi/asexual bashing here.

It’s not demisexual/asexual bashing. It’s pointing out that trying to turn dating and emotional patterns followed by a large portion of people into something that needs to be considered different or unusual is not ok. Hookup culture may be the loudest and flashiest, but it is not even necessarily the pattern of sexual behavior followed by the majority of people. It does not make someone unusual or strange or in need of a label to want to truly get to know someone before sex.

There is difference though.

Plenty of people can and do have sex without emotional connection.
It’s not just couple of dates and learning the other person’s name.

Personally, I’ve yet to meet a man who is willing to take the time to get to know each other.
I’m starting to think I’m never going to be in a relationship.

On this thread someone said that after few dates without sex it’s ”only” a friendship.

Also it takes away ”the sex being the most important part of the relationship”.
Some ace-spects have no sex.
So it’s not very conventional.

Being ace or allo is fine, but it’s good that these days it’s little bit easier for the like-minded to at least try and find each other.

Wow, i thought it was normal to only be sexually attracted to someone you have formed an emotional connection with. Shouldnt it be like that? I mean Demi Sexual as a label? Thats a bit weird?

You've never had a celebrity crush??

I have no emotional connection to Henry cavill but my word is he sexually attractive.

Yes, I have most definitely been sexually attracted to people I don’t have an emotional connection with.

*This has never happened to me either.
I have to know someone really well to be interested in being that vulnerable with them.
I need complete trust.
I have never had any interest in sex with strangers. I don’t think it’s that unusual and I find the expectation that if you haven’t slept with them after knowing them for barely a month then they’re not going to be interested anymore utterly depressing.
OP you wait as long as you want, the right person will stick around.

I’m the same. I need to at least like someone a lot and trust them. Sex with strangers is not for me. I had one or two casual encounters in my early 20s and they were a bit crap frankly. Waited 2 months with my DH.

Yesssss it’s about trust! Exactly.

I’ve had 2 casual encounters. I hated it, it made me feel worthless.

We’re all different 🤷🏻‍♀️. I never felt worthless after my (small number) of casual encounters, because I don’t link sex to my personal ‘worth’.
I don’t think either way is right or wrong, sex is a very personal thing. Some people enjoy sex without emotions, some don’t.

I never felt worthless after my (small number) of casual encounters, because I don’t link sex to my personal ‘worth’.

This. I think the level of judgment towards people who don’t want to wait weeks to have sex with someone they fancy is based on the idea of self-worth and sex being a reward for men who are patient enough to follow unwritten rules about how many dates.

I’ve had casual relationships, one night stands, traditional dating with many dates before sex, and sometimes it’s worked out and sometimes it hasnt. None of it is related to the length of time we waited to have sex.

OP, you’ve had a lot of good advice here and the most important point is being clear and upfront with your dates. Anyone who cuts and runs because of lack of sex isn’t the right person for you.

I think the level of judgment towards people who don’t want to wait weeks to have sex with someone they fancy is based on the idea of self-worth and sex being a reward for men who are patient enough to follow unwritten rules about how many dates.

I don’t think this is right or thing to say.

I don’t link it to self-worth or ”reward”, I just don’t want strangers to touch me.
I need trust and knowing the other person.
That is not judgmental at all.
I don’t care what others do, as long as they don’t shame others.
(I’ve had my fair share of prude and virgin shamers).
We’re all different, that’s okey.

I think the level of judgment towards people who don’t want to wait weeks to have sex with someone they fancy is based on the idea of self-worth and sex being a reward for men who are patient enough to follow unwritten rules about how many dates

It’s nothing to do with that. It’s about trusting the person you sleep with.

People can do ad much casual sex as they like. I don’t judge them in the least. In fact in a way, I envy them because it must make life a bit easier. But it’s not for me.

How depressing that someone who doesn’t want to jump straight into bed has to be labelled as Demi-sexual or a-sexual. If someone labelled those who will shag anything that moves they would be called judgemental, and yet those who seem quite happy to put it about without any emotional attachment seem quite happy to judge those who don’t want to consider sex as a “deal to be closed” or a pastime.

I waited for 6 months before I had sex with my now eXH. I was still a virgin at the time and there’s no way I think that someone should just put out because there’s an expectation that they will jump into bed when the other one is ready and demands it.

And what’s with the “well, you might want to wait but bear in mind he might not want to,” crap. So? If he doesn’t want to wait that’s on him not the person who does.

Why don’t we say “well, you might want sex straight away but they might not,” all the judgement is on those who don’t want rather than those who do.

OP you're fine to take it at your own pace. I don't enjoy being rushed and prefer to form an emotional connection and build trust first too, we're not weirdos, we're just different from people who are comfortable having sex earlier. Just be honest with people, relationships are all about communication.

And, yes, you can find some men on dating apps who are also willing to take it slow and build trust and friendship first, and won't ditch you if you aren't ready to have sex by date 3 or within a month or whatever. You can't have mine, though, I'm quite fond of him

@shouldistop

*No. This has never happened*

I'd say that's quite unusual. From your op it really sounds like you don't want sex at all and want know how long someone will date you without it?

Everyone will be different but I'd be upfront about it after a few dates so you're both on the same page.

Utter nonsense. Not wanting to bonk on the third date or whatever doesn't mean one doesn't want sex. It means one has standards.

It’s nothing to do with standards, especially misogynistic ones, it’s to do with choice!

If someone opts to wait years before having sex with someone, that’s fine providing it’s what they want to do. If someone with hormones bubbling and that passion butterfly feeling wants to hop into bed with someone within an hour so, that’s equally fine.

Neither makes you a better or a lesser person.

No.
This has never happened
I'd say that's quite unusual. From your op it really sounds like you don't want sex at all and want know how long someone will date you without it?
Everyone will be different but I'd be upfront about it after a few dates so you're both on the same page.

Utter nonsense. Not wanting to bonk on the third date or whatever doesn't mean one doesn't want sex. It means one has standards.

@toconclude
I agree.
How strange it would have to be spelled out that sex won’t happen within few dates.

I swear the views on sex is bizzare these days.
And the push, usually for women, to have soon as possible, that it’s meaningless (but not so that it would be okey for it to take awhile, or not even happen).

Utter nonsense. Not wanting to bonk on the third date or whatever doesn't mean one doesn't want sex. It means one has standards.

Sleeping with someone on the third date (or sooner) doesn't mean one doesn't have standards.

@Lockheart

Utter nonsense. Not wanting to bonk on the third date or whatever doesn't mean one doesn't want sex. It means one has standards.

Sleeping with someone on the third date (or sooner) doesn't mean one doesn't have standards.

👏