How long can I date without sex?

[Datingsucks]

So I move slowly, it takes me a long time to see if I even like the person.
Let alone to move to more serious business.
I’m also pretty inexperienced so I also want to move carefully.
These times were definetly for me.

So, if anyone has any advices how to navigate this?

My feeling is that if a man is very keen on you and, crucially, sees that you are keen on him he will wait almost indefinitely. If, however, he thinks you aren’t keen or that your reluctance is some sort of power game he probably won’t.
My experience of dating was that both parties had to be pretty much head over heels before the first date otherwise the whole thing was a miserable waste of time. Formal getting to know you dates didn’t work for me, even social clubs for young professionals didn’t work. The only thing that worked was doing things I was interested in and building a flirtatious relationship with someone I liked.
You may be better at dating than me, but the modern way of doing things may not suit people who need a strong connection to build desire. That’s my theory.

Utter nonsense. Not wanting to bonk on the third date or whatever doesn't mean one doesn't want sex. It means one has standards

What a horribly misogynistic take.

Wanting sex is not a character flaw or in anyway reflective of your value or worth.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

I wouldn't go on a date with someone I didn't want to have sex with. I have been with DH for 23 years, but for me in my youth, date number 2 or 3 really. Not always PIV but a bit of oral/ mutual masturbation, the stuff my grandparents would have called "heavy petting". I wouldn't want to invest much more time unless I knew we were sexually compatible. After 4/5 dates with nothing I 'd consider us "mates".

I agree with this I'm a very sexual person and wouldn't even go on a date with someone that didn't give me flutters. I'm around a 3 date person, but have had a long term relationship from first date sec. It was actually the best first date I've ever had

I think as pp said, you need to be totally up front. Internet dating is fast and brutal, most men will expect sex after a handful of dates (Even the so called nice guys...)

@SunshineInMyTea

There is difference though.

Plenty of people can and do have sex without emotional connection.
It’s not just couple of dates and learning the other person’s name.

Personally, I’ve yet to meet a man who is willing to take the time to get to know each other.
I’m starting to think I’m never going to be in a relationship.

On this thread someone said that after few dates without sex it’s ”only” a friendship.

Also it takes away ”the sex being the most important part of the relationship”.
Some ace-spects have no sex.
So it’s not very conventional.

Being ace or allo is fine, but it’s good that these days it’s little bit easier for the like-minded to at least try and find each other.

Well in my ‘anecdotal experience’ plenty of guys were willing to wait, which is the opposite of yours. However the dating app I used allowed you to screen for casual sex vs relationships. Of course I haven’t done an jn-depth statistical study but wanting to wait isn’t unusual. Giving it a label however implies that it is. And pushes the damaging narrative that sex is very important and urgent.

FWIW I’d be ‘demisexual’ if I believed in the label.

Now intimacy (kissing, cuddling touching) is a different matter…

IMO, it doesn't denote a superficial relationship to want to have sex immediately.

You must be honest and do what's right for you. Don't have sex before you're ready but likewise don't start a relationship with someone who needs that affirmation fairly quickly.

I need it fairly fast and if I fall for someone emotionally then I also want them physically, so I'd be absolutely turned off if made to wait weeks or months. And I'm as deep and emotionally complex as anyone else. Just be honest.

Well it is reassuring to read that there are men who are okey to wait.

Is it okey to ask how long this was?

In my experience men got very pushy and started shaming me.
Calling me frigid and prude very fast.
All I learned is that you have to move fast.
So many here telling they want sex soon, even though no one asked that…..

Turns out we're both asexual (heteroromantic asexual to use the technical term!). We have a loving, fulfilling relationship, with lots of affection, cuddling and kissing but very very little sexual contact, which has now basically dwindled to nothing. For me it's a relief that there are no expectations tbh, and it's the same for him. I wish we'd been honest when we met three years ago instead of trying to go through the 'normal' motions'

I am glad it works for you. Being in a relationship like this would destroy my self esteem, make me quite depressed and insecure.

BTW I don't really think I am that sexually highly charged (once or twice a week, maybe more on holiday). However I do know that growing up sex was spoken about and celebrated as a normal and enjoyable aspect of adult life, without any moral or value judgements.

I think what I am trying to say is, if your date feels like this, then they will discontinue the relationship because it will make them feel that their perfectly (in their eyes) normal sexual desire is being pathologist and who wants to go it out with someone who makes you feel like a freak ?
It would be like going out to dinner with an anorexic.

ENTJ or ENFJ depending on which day I take the test if anyone cares...

Pathologised bloody spell check

@jb7445

Turns out we're both asexual (heteroromantic asexual to use the technical term!). We have a loving, fulfilling relationship, with lots of affection, cuddling and kissing but very very little sexual contact, which has now basically dwindled to nothing.

This so amazing!!
You are so lucky!

I’m not going to lie, I’m jealous.

This is pretty much my dream.
I hope I also one day find love like this.
Well, I’m homoromantic, but rest of it sounds incredible.

It’s great that you two have found each other.

INFJ’s can’t do casual sex.

Your ‘E’ makes you more extroverted.

@Neurodiversitydoctor - I can relate to you. When growing up, mum used to tell sister and l if it doesn’t make you feel really nice, either stop doing it or don’t do it. Fortunately, there were a number of people who made me feel very nice along the way! Holding back would have been of no benefit in those circumstances. And sister married someone she had only known a few hours when they first hit the boudoir together!

INFJ here who happily did casual sex when I wanted to 👍.

Something is seriously wrong when a woman says that she wants to wait until a relationship is serious before getting intimate and posters are telling her she might need a special label for her sexuality.

Or a man, incidentally

As long as you think you need, there is no set time, please don't feel pressured into doing something your not comfortable with.

We're all different though - surely that's the point? I've never had any weird issues or judgements around sex, I just don't want it particularly

This has a good point.
Just because someone doesn’t want casual (or sex at all) doesn’t mean they are judgemental.
What are they supposed to do, have ONS they don’t want to show the’re not judging anyone else?
People are just different.
That should be okey.

@DatingSucks

We're all different though - surely that's the point? I've never had any weird issues or judgements around sex, I just don't want it particularly

This has a good point.
Just because someone doesn’t want casual (or sex at all) doesn’t mean they are judgemental.
What are they supposed to do, have ONS they don’t want to show the’re not judging anyone else?
People are just different.
That should be okey.

I think it was the judgemental comment about ‘having standards’ that prompted the comment about judgement, to be fair.

Until you are totally happy that you want to have sex with someone.

@Blossom64265

Something is seriously wrong when a woman says that she wants to wait until a relationship is serious before getting intimate and posters are telling her she might need a special label for her sexuality. Op, it’s perfectly normal to want to wait to get to really know a person before having sex. There are also people who want to engage in casual intimacy and that is fine too, but you aren’t an outlier.

I really agree with this - wanting to make sure you really like someone before sleeping with them doesn't mean you have some special condition!

The label means ”special condition”.

A lot of asexuals/demis have described feeling weird or even broken because they don’t feel sexual attraction, or that it takes time to develop.

For a lot people it seem enough just to see a person. Only picture will do.
Demis/ace don’t have this experience.
Also many have ONS/casual/whatever, again, a lot of aces don’t do this.
And there are people who shame them for it.
(Prude,frigid,vanilla. Virgin shaming is really bad)

It’s good to keep open mind.
It just helps these people to understand themselves better.
The current society is so hypersexualised.

I’m starting to wonder if the dating industry isn’t just as irritating as the slimming industry. All the pseudoscience just isn’t useful.
@DatingSucks I think the ‘S’ is stopping you from showing as the OP.

You do what you want, there will be guys who will respect that and want to continue dating and guys who, while they respect your choice, will want to move on. Never do what you're not comfortable with, who cares what other people think!