My Biological Dad

dohrgitdb · 03/12/2021 21:48

You sound like you’ve made a success of your life despite his absence…

This contact from his wife… You must be hurting… maybe think it over for a while. You don’t have to make a decision immediately.

ProudThrilledHappy · 03/12/2021 21:49

Ignore ignore ignore

He isn’t worthy of your anger

WhenSepEnds · 03/12/2021 21:50

@MyBioDad

This might be long so I apologise in advance, I’ve also NC as potentially outing.

I am 26 and I’ve not long had my first baby. My Mum and bio Dad split up when I was 1 years old and I haven’t seen him since I was 3. That was his choice, my Mum asked him to start paying for me and he refused. It was around that point he met his current wife and slowly he stopped turning up to see me. I don’t have any memories of him at all but I do remember sitting at the window waiting for him to come and pick me up and him not coming. I know my Mum sent him a solicitors letter asking him to resume contact as I’ve seen a copy but nothing came of it.

When I was 5 my Mum met my stepdad who I refer to as my Dad (my own choice) and he has raised me as his own. Just before I went to high school I changed my surname by deed poll as it upset me to be called after my bio Dad. When I was 13 he wrote me a very short letter asking to meet me, my Mum went to meet up with him to see what his intentions were and I decided I didn’t want to see him and I haven’t heard from him since.

After he refused to give my Mum money and stopped seeing me she chose not to claim CSA as she didn’t want anything to do with him, however when I was 15 I told her to claim it as he should have been. He then quit his job because of this and had to pay the minimum amount out of his benefits which was around £5 a week. My Mum saved this in a separate bank account and gave it to me when I went to uni and it was a total of about £800. That’s all he’s ever paid for me.

He has two sons who are younger than me (I believe 19 and 21) who have never contacted me but follow me on social media as I use Instagram to promote my business and have quite a big following on there.

Last night I received a message from my biological dads Wife’s Facebook (he doesn’t have one) saying he would like to meet me and be part of his grandchild’s life. She said he loves me and has hated not being part of my life and would like to start here. Apparently he talks about me all the time. I am absolutely furious. First of all, that’s not his Grandchild he doesn’t even know me! Second of all, how dare me! We are from a very small town which I moved out of when I went to uni but all those years he only lived ten minutes away from me and never made any contact.

I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants to reply saying piss off. WIBU to just ignore the message? Do I owe him a meeting? I went through an angsty teenage period where I was mad about him but I’m over it now and this has reignited old feelings. Having my own child now I have no idea how you can abandon your own. I know there are two sides to every story and he probably has a different one to tell me but frankly, I don’t think I care what he has to say.

You can remember sitting waiting on a man that never came? Why are you even entertaining this? Please think more highly of yourself, you deserve better. I'd be worried he will do the Same to your baby. You can't just dip in and out of peoples lives on a whim. I think he is a CF to even ask this

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/12/2021 21:52

Do you feel like you want to have your say to him?

Penistoe · 03/12/2021 21:52

First of all your mum sounds wonderful. I hope this is the case.

In terms of your bio father you don’t owe him anything and if you want to simply block and ignore (like he did).
It does seem like you have something to say to him just because you asked on here rather than simply ignoring him so maybe write down all you want to say to him, all the things that make you angry. Then you have the choice to send it to him or not and ignore.

You are right having your own child changes views of your parents drastically either positively or negatively.

ChangeChingyChange · 03/12/2021 21:52

I think I'd have to consider it to be honest. It's so easy for people on here to say hell no - we're not invested in any way. Speak to your family and friends and think on it before fully deciding what to do.

Hapoydayz · 03/12/2021 21:57

I'm not surprised you're angry. How can he talk about you all the time, he doesn't even know you and probably wouldn't recognise you. With what she has said he's made it all about him and what he wants. Be happy with your child and don't let him disappoint him too.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 03/12/2021 21:58

Same story as you op. Except I did let df be a part of my dc's lives. Until his dw realised his time should be hers not mine and he dumped us all. Not long after he won big money. He didn't even get my dc a bag of sweets. Not grabby but when he never provided for me it stung that again he walked away from more dc with full pockets.
Likely your df has rewritten history to his new dw... Concentrate on yourself and your dc op.
Don't give him a second thought..

thesockfromtheroof · 03/12/2021 22:00

Don't let him do to your child what he did to you.

3peassuit · 03/12/2021 22:05

You owe this man nothing. He didn’t support you financially or emotionally when you were a child. You have a Dad and it’s not him.

3scape · 03/12/2021 22:06

Ignore. He doesn't get any emotional pull. He's not your concern you owe him nothing. Not responding is all he deserves.

Seabreeze18 · 03/12/2021 22:10

Personally I would go. People change, life is short. Yes he messed up but let him explain and then say your bit. Make an informed decision before giving up completely. Good luck!

DeadoftheMoon · 03/12/2021 22:11

Oh heavens. Free yourself of any sense of obligation to this man. He repeatedly demonstrated how much he cared about you - actions speak louder than words.

Viviennemary · 03/12/2021 22:14

You don't want to meet him so don't. You are perfectly entitled to refuse to meet him under the circumstances. Thats if you absolutely believe your mothers version of events.

Highfivemum · 03/12/2021 22:18

I am sorry 💐 you seem to have moved forward, from what must have been so hard for you as a child, and are now doing well for yourself. This message must bring up all the negative feelings you have. Personally you have moved forward once. You don’t need to do it again by going back. Yes there are always two stories but reading your post somehow I doubt it. I would not ignore the message. I would o reply. Simply say. “No thank you.” You don’t need to give a reason ....

Giraffephan · 03/12/2021 22:19

My dad walked out of my life when I was 12 and I haven’t seen him since. He tried to make contact with me when I had my baby.
I just ignored him.

Snally82 · 03/12/2021 22:27

I have a similar ish back story (no contact with father, no financial support, sent a letter when I was 17, mum has partner who is effectively my dad and a much better man).

I was at peace with it all but I will add one thing, my dad died last year (my estranged auntie let my sister know) and it was the strangest feeling knowing that door was shut. And I don’t mean the door to a relationship, I didn’t want one. But I will never understand how he did what he did and there is no way now to ever know or even try to understand. I didn’t expect to feel like that but I do.

But yabu to feel pissed off, angry or any emotion. Or to tell him what the hell you like.

Original poster

MyBioDad · 03/12/2021 22:27

Thanks for all of the comments. My baby is still very much a newborn so I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting from all of the hormones. Two days ago I cried because I put my brew down and couldn’t find it. I have quite bad anxiety and admittedly am very much PFB so I don’t even know if I’m approaching this properly. This has come at the worst time, I just want to be in my precious new born bubble where that’s all that’s important. I couldn’t sleep last night and I feel sick thinking about it, how utterly selfish of him.

I have tried to speak to DP about it but I think he’s afraid fo say the wrong thing. My Mum is angry and upset. She wants to message his wife but has promised me not to.

There is a lot I probably could say to him but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction as I’m sure what I say won’t be very nice and I doubt I will get any good answers. I’m sure he will probably blame it all on my Mum and there probably is more to the story but I really don’t care. He lived 10 minutes away from me his whole life and never tried to see me. He knew where I lived and went to school, he never paid for me. I’m not sure there’s any reasonable excuse for that. I want to reply saying that he’s not my Dad and that’s not his Grandchild but that won’t do any good will it I don’t want to give him any reason to justify why he left and continued to stay away

OP posts:

HappyMeal564 · 03/12/2021 22:28

My dad chose to not see me at similar age. You owe him nothing and I personally would ignore. If they reach out because you've had a baby they could've reached out years ago

JustMarriedBecca · 03/12/2021 22:29

Adoptee here. I met my birth mother when I was 25. She contacted me having found out who I was (long story). I met her once and have never met her again. Combination of factors - I felt as much emotional pull as I did to a random supermarket worker, I knew continued contact would upset my parents and I found her entitled. Like she expected I would be emotionally connected to her and I felt NOTHING (and I'm an emotional person so I thought I would).

I think I would meet him. Neutral place like a hotel lobby. No kids. One on one. Scratch the itch. If you don't, you might have questions later on and wish you had. If you go and he's a total shit, then you are no worse off.

emmylousings · 03/12/2021 22:31

My DS has a very similar situation to you, with my ex. He doesn't know his bio dad, who's done nothing for him. If his bio dad suggested what yours is, I'd suggest, just take time, have a think, no pressure, you don't have to, don't feel obliged. It's a tough one OP. Can you discuss it with your parents?

Merryoldgoat · 03/12/2021 22:34

He still isn’t enough of a grown up to contact you himself.

What. A. Prick.

Robotcustard · 03/12/2021 22:34

So he cut contact because he didn’t want to contribute financially when you were small and then quit his job when you were older to avoid paying again. I think this would speak volumes to me.

LitCrit · 03/12/2021 22:36

I think you should think about telling him why you’re not interested and particularly why you’d never expose you dc to the hurt he caused you.

Hankunamatata · 03/12/2021 22:37

I think you need time op and perhaps discuss with counsellor or similar if you feel the need