To be so upset about Arthur is it normal

[Onthedowns]

I just cannot stop crying. I know it's another thread but listening to those recordings of that poor boy i have been physically sick and so upset. I have cuddled my children so hard. I came from an abusive background but nothing like him.

I feel completely irrational

Coupled with covid what has happened to society 😔

Tallulahscurse and tallduckhandsome,

Do you think I care if you may buy it or not? I don't understand why you are being toxic about grieving and shocked people. How dare you? Why would someone write to an anonymous forum as a contest? People have been so deeply affected by this and have nothing to prove to you. People who are writing here are trying to find solice, and others to talk about it, it's a completely human thing to do. The least you can do is not belittle people's feelings, why can't you just scroll away. And yes I too did cry and threw up. People process horror differently and apparently that's my way.

People deeply genuinely caring and being affected makes me feel a tiny bit more optimistic about society. If I hadn't seen these posts I'd have thought evil has normalised in our society and would depress me even more...

@NeedsCharging

TallulahsCurse

You are entitled to feel and express how YOU feel as is the OP.
The fact that people are physically upset by this is a good thing. Grief no matter where it comes from should be expressed.
A little boy died in a disgusting and avoidable way. The more people that show grief/compassion/sympathy and empathy the better.
Why hide from it ir pretend it is not happening? Will that help future Arthur's?

@TallulahsCurse evidently isn't entitled to express it, as MN has censored her post.

I’m raising two DC who were removed from their birth family.

I wonder how many of the ‘sobbing for days’ posters are the ones who most harshly judge my DC because they’re weird/late/aggressive/loud/unpredictable as a result of their experiences and who spent years not inviting my DC to their DCs’ birthday parties and who ask for my DCs not to sit next to their DC in school and who give me the side eye in the playground.

The world is not kind to DC who have survived these early experiences.

I am in Australia and have also been deeply affected by this little boy's tragic story. The only thing I feel we can hold on to is that we must all be that bit more vigilant as a society when we feel children are at risk of harm and report any concerns to the authorities. Of course, this is no guarantee that the child will be saved from the harm inflicted by abusive parents.

EberhardtSmallcock

I dont belive MN censored TallulahsCurse post because they expressed their feelings but because they posted a personal attack.
Many posters have said public grief is wrong and their posts still stand.

Must have been very difficult for the police, lawyers, jury, judge and everyone else involved who didn’t have the luxury of switching off or turning away.

Obviously my first thoughts are for that poor boy (I have deliberately avoided the details on the news as I don’t think I can take it, despite having a background as a criminal barrister myself), but I also think we should spare a thought for the people who work in an under-the-cosh system which generally just receives either criticism or indifference. Many professionals will have had sleepless nights to ensure these two were brought to justice.

@womanity

I’m raising two DC who were removed from their birth family.

I wonder how many of the ‘sobbing for days’ posters are the ones who most harshly judge my DC because they’re weird/late/aggressive/loud/unpredictable as a result of their experiences and who spent years not inviting my DC to their DCs’ birthday parties and who ask for my DCs not to sit next to their DC in school and who give me the side eye in the playground.

The world is not kind to DC who have survived these early experiences.

I'm sorry your kids were treated like that, that's not acceptable. However why makes you think those kind of people would be the ones upset on this thread?

I would think people who are very sensitive or abused themselves would probably be the more empathetic type.

@Innocenta You know nothing about my childhood, of course you don't.

The appalling mixture of hyperbolic expression of ever more inventive ways of torturing the perpetrators and competitive expressions of second hand grief achieve absolutely nothing in protecting children from harm. Yes, what happened to him is more than sad, it's a bloody appalling tragedy and there is nothing amiss in feeling bad about it and I'm not surprised people do. I do.

All I am asking is that people use the agency and power of being adults to always act upon their feelings of unease about a child in danger. You don't need cuddly jumpers or "sweeties" to do that, you don't need to heal yourself, you just have to do it, whatever the circumstances.

I find it ludicrous to equate telling everyone you’re heartbroken, feel sick or have been sobbing for days with empathy. Putting your feelings at the centre of someone else’s tragedy isn’t empathy.

The truly empathic amongst us will have taken action as a result of this. Written to an MP demanding better resources for social services, donated to a charity fighting child abuse, started the process of applying to be a foster carer etc.

The vast majority of people heartbroken over this will be back living their normal lives tomorrow without doing anything at all and will be similarly heartbroken the next time.

Indeed the next time will be happening right now, somewhere.

@NeedsCharging

EberhardtSmallcock

I dont belive MN censored TallulahsCurse post because they expressed their feelings but because they posted a personal attack.
Many posters have said public grief is wrong and their posts still stand.

Yes, possibly so. I suppose I've noticed a recentish tendency on the part of MNHQ to censor posts (not just about this - anything anti-lockdown was also censored last year) which would not have been censored in the Good Old Days. I agreed with what TallulahCurse said, and I didn't see it as a personal attack. I saw it more as frustration at the grief vampires. I am just very uncomfortable about censorship unless it's someone who's clearly either being a troll or a complete and utter shit.

Putting your feelings at the centre of someone else’s tragedy isn’t empathy

The OP is reaching out. She feels pain/confusion/anger and is looking to others to try and make sense of it. That's not a bad thing.
That does show compassion.
It shows humanity.
Something the 2 people Arthur relied on lacked in spades.

@MissTrip82

I find it ludicrous to equate telling everyone you’re heartbroken, feel sick or have been sobbing for days with empathy. Putting your feelings at the centre of someone else’s tragedy isn’t empathy.

The truly empathic amongst us will have taken action as a result of this. Written to an MP demanding better resources for social services, donated to a charity fighting child abuse, started the process of applying to be a foster carer etc.

The vast majority of people heartbroken over this will be back living their normal lives tomorrow without doing anything at all and will be similarly heartbroken the next time.

Indeed the next time will be happening right now, somewhere.

I don't think op put their feelings at the front of anything, she hasn't even been on the thread since about 200+ posts

The people dragging out this thread and being pissed that others are sad, are equally centring their feelings in that case.

@zlister
I'm sorry your kids were treated like that, that's not acceptable. However why makes you think those kind of people would be the ones upset on this thread?

I’m not talking about OP particularly. I think a lot of people who’ve been there are empathetic. Other people, not so much.

I think @CPL593H sums it up quite nicely.

@HumpreyDowny I didn’t mean you in particular, I meant the various posters who have said they’ve been physically sick for days etc.

Look, I hope I’m wrong and, but I do agree with @womanity , there are much better ways to channel that ‘grief’ than sobbing for days.

.I agreed with whatTallulahCursesaid, and I didn't see it as a personal attack. I saw it more as frustration at the grief vampires.

Why call people names?
Why be that personal and use a name which personifies the undead/unfeeling?
Can you not accept that some people choose to reach out, seek comfort and reassurance that most of humanity are not murdering abusive cunts?
Why does that make them vampires?

@MissTrip82

I find it ludicrous to equate telling everyone you’re heartbroken, feel sick or have been sobbing for days with empathy. Putting your feelings at the centre of someone else’s tragedy isn’t empathy.

The truly empathic amongst us will have taken action as a result of this. Written to an MP demanding better resources for social services, donated to a charity fighting child abuse, started the process of applying to be a foster carer etc.

The vast majority of people heartbroken over this will be back living their normal lives tomorrow without doing anything at all and will be similarly heartbroken the next time.

Indeed the next time will be happening right now, somewhere.

💯 agree

Feeling sick and being upset are perfectly normal responses to watching/listening to something like that. I haven't. I wouldn't click a video on a news site on a story like that, and I have literally turned the radio over at the 'distressing content' warning today as I had DD in the car. So you can avoid it, which is probably best if you know you are sensitive to such things.

My first safeguarding course went into detail about the DP case, DD was 11 months at the time, I'm usually hard as nails but I'll admit I found that upsetting.

I don't see how making yourself feel ill helps anyone. With all the stories over the last few years I think we all know that horrific child abuse happens, I'm not saying turn a blind eye, but you can't do anything for a child who has been murdered, listening to them be abused won't help anyone. Do something to prevent a child being abused instead, even if it's donating 50p to child line or something.

The vast majority of people heartbroken over this will be back living their normal lives tomorrow without doing anything at all and will be similarly heartbroken the next time.

Won't most of us?
We all have lives that need to be gotten on with.
My sorrow and disgust at Arthur's neglect does not mean I must neglect my own responsibilities.

Will you be downing tools and staging a hunger strike until SS are better trained and better funded?
Of course you won't but for some reason you demand others should do more than you will...

I have a 6 year old and this case has absolutely wrecked me. I've been crying on and off all day and the anxiety at night has been keeping me awake. What that beautiful little boy had to endure is horrific. He could have been safe with other family members who weren't allowed to have him.... he could have been put in another home with a loving family. Anyone but them.

@Simonjt

Yes and no, it is awful, however a significant amount of people seem to be making it about them by competing for the biggest show of grief, others seem to be determined to watch/listen to a child being harmed.

So true. Twitter is perhaps the worst place for this, full of people desperate to say how much they have wept etc . Of course it's a horrific case, that poor wee boy 😢! And of course we are all upset when we hear or read about it, that is a normal, human reaction, but it should never have become a contest around "who is most upset/feels this most deeply." What good does that do?! It's creepy, self-absorbed and mawkish.

I'm sat here with tears in my eyes.... I've only just read about the case and I can't stop crying. That poor poor little boy, it's beyond heartbreaking. I just want to jump into the screen and save him, feed him, cuddle him, love him. I can't bare it. I barely watched 2 seconds as the video came on with the news I was reading and had to turn it off.

I truly hope they get what they deserve in prison.

I can honestly say that I haven't read any details or seen the films.

I can say that when my eldest two DC were still tiny babies there was a horrific case in the press of a couple who poisoned (killed) their baby with salt because mash with gravy granules and ready break were cheaper than baby food. All these years later I remember every detail.

I'd like to say that anything I could do would make deliberately ignorant parents follow guidance. Just like I'm sure you wish that anything you could do might change the outcome for children whose carers are deliberately abusive.

All any of us can do is report concerns to any and all authorities we can. In poor Arthur's case the authorities were informed and aware but failed to act.

It hit me in the solar plexus too. I just wish I could have held that poor little boy tight and promised him it would be OK.

It was haunting my dreams and I needed to do something to rest easier. Have made a donation to Barnardos because I needed to feel I was taking some form of positive action. It's a tiny thing but I couldn't think of anything else I could do in the short term.

I cannot comprehend how someone especially a woman could be so cruel, callous & downright evil towards a child.
I haven't & won't listen to the recordings because I don't want to hear something so harrowing that will never be unheard.
I can't bear to hear the Little Drummer Boy carol/song for the same reasons, may you never be forgotten Lesley Ann Downey.

I hope & I pray there will never ever be another Arthur Labinjo -Hughes.........
Beautiful little boy may you never be forgotten too x