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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset about Arthur is it normal

741 replies

Onthedowns · 03/12/2021 16:37

I just cannot stop crying. I know it's another thread but listening to those recordings of that poor boy i have been physically sick and so upset. I have cuddled my children so hard. I came from an abusive background but nothing like him.

I feel completely irrational

Coupled with covid what has happened to society 😔

OP posts:
discombob · 03/12/2021 19:23

@PleasantBirthday

All this energy for posters on Mumsnet, no words for Emma Tustin or Thomas Hughes though? Interesting.

They've been convicted and sentenced. What more is there for anyone to say? Other than competing to see who can imagine the most gory revenge. killing

Nobody even mentioned it until pp did.

That's like saying, if they got 10 years, why are we still talking about it? Well because for some it's not harsh punishment enough. Kinda obvious, I'd have thought

Anyway, 29 years is higher than I expected in this country.

AndreaC67 · 03/12/2021 19:24

@Swirlywoo

Andrea the fault lies with government and agencies for not 'learning lessons' relating to policy and funding, not with ordinary people. (I did know his name by the way, and hadn't forgotten).
I disagree, we have voted for cuts and more cuts in public services, they are all around us, the public are very much to blame.

Whilst some may not have forgotten Peter Connellys name, most have as they refer to him as Baby P.

Just 6 weeks ago a 5 year was found in a River, his mother and partner charged with murder.

HardbackWriter · 03/12/2021 19:24

@PleasantBirthday

I think I struggle with the mawkishness of Facebook posts and we love yous and I would have taken him in etc. You wouldn't have taken him in. He went through a hellish experience and would have been a difficult child with very difficult to meet needs as a result of his horrific experiences. Maltreated, abused, neglected, victim and witness to shocking violence, he would not have been the smiling grateful recipient of anyones munificence.

If you really feel affected and you must do something, hold down your dinner, dry your eyes and be kinder to the child you think is feral and a bad influence on yours. Report every legitimate concern you have. Ask questions. Actually consider the nuisance child that irritates you as possibly the child whose situation is deteriorating and do what you wish you had done for this child.

I think this is a brilliant post. Can I add just one more thing to your 'to do' list, please? Vote for a political party that pledges to increase public spending, and which admits it will need to raise taxes to do so. Chronically underfunded services lead to things being missed.
Innocenta · 03/12/2021 19:25

To everyone feeling triggered by this - I'm so sorry. It is brutal and awful, and how you feel is real. I believe you and so do many others. Try to let other comments roll past you, like water in a river. Not everyone can understand what it's like to react with very strong emotion to a particular case, or to experience the flood of physical, emotional, and cognitive effects that a trauma trigger causes.

I encourage you to talk to someone in real life if there's anyone you feel comfortable sharing with. But I know that can be very hard. Something we all can do is to find space and kindness for the frightened, shocked, and sometimes angry bit inside us that still feels like a child. The bit that feels - recognises - our utter powerlessness to help. That remembers what it was like in our darkest times (whenever they were - even if you weren't literally a child at the time) to need help so much, and not to get it.

You are grown up now. You can make that little girl (or boy) a warm drink, and put on a cuddly jumper. You can have some sweeties if you like them. Or a nice hot dinner if you'd prefer that. You can take a shower or a bath if it helps you relax and unwind - but if that's too much, you can crawl in bed at the end of the day and remind yourself that you've been brave. You've done well. You're looking after yourself. You're trying really hard.

I don't disagree with PPs who talk about the need for changes in society, but if you have been triggered or badly distressed by this, don't try and start now. You need to care for yourself first of all. You are grown up now. That little girl (or boy) inside will be okay - but you might need to hold her hand for a while.

flymetotheloon · 03/12/2021 19:25

@discombob

I don't agree with the death penalty. Many, many of us don't. It's not UK law to execute people for any offence, even this one.

I personally do. Plenty of people even if not the majority, if you went out and did a high street survey, plenty would agree for the worst cases it should be used. So what? My point is it's not a "sick fantasy" especially for the people just using a turn of phrase.

It's weird to be crying about this and not about the murder that occurred. Some people need to get their priorities straight- that's what lacks critical thinking.

"It's weird to be crying about this and not about the murder that occurred."

Sorry are you speaking to me? I'm not crying so I can't follow your point. Or are you talking to somebody else on this thread?

You've also asked why we aren't talking to the convicted criminals in this case, do you understand that they are in custody and not on this thread?

I'm finding your responses here hyperbolic and not quite in keeping with understanding where you are posting and what you are posting.

If you want to fantasise about people dying you are free to do so, but when you post that on a public forum you might get some feedback. That's how public forums work.

missfliss · 03/12/2021 19:26

It's a very small thing but I've made a sizable donation ( for me ) to the NSPCC.

I know it doesn't make anything better but I hope that lots of other people take some form of action - maybe a better one than that.

Shewalksinbeautylikethenight · 03/12/2021 19:26

@NanaRant - i’d think of telling the police and SS you will leak it to the local press. Only shame gets people to act

PleasantBirthday · 03/12/2021 19:27

That's like saying, if they got 10 years, why are we still talking about it? Well because for some it's not harsh punishment enough. Kinda obvious, I'd have thought

No, it isn't. Context, as always, is key. This thread is about people's reactions to the news, not about the actions of the convicted people. The very clear implication was that if you're questioning the reactions of some people hearing the news but not baying for blood in relation to the criminals here, you have warped priorities.

Heisrotten2thecore · 03/12/2021 19:27

I sobbed my heart out at work today when the radio was on and Jeremy Vine was talking about it. I have a 4 yr old and when I collected him from nursery today I couldn't stop hugging and kissing him. I haven't listened to the recordings I just can't. I think they should bring back the death penalty with people like this.

Applesonthelawn · 03/12/2021 19:29

DrSbaitso well I suppose I am one of those people who tries not to upset her dh by crying a lot in front of him about something he cannot help me with. I believe I have a responsibility not to overburden people I love. Not interested in whether you agree with that or not. And you also sound very weird interpreting my post to mean I thought no-one else was upset (as if!) when obviously what I meant was that it was helpful to feel other people also recognised it.

flymetotheloon · 03/12/2021 19:31

Hiding this thread now

Applesonthelawn · 03/12/2021 19:33

@missfliss

It's a very small thing but I've made a sizable donation ( for me ) to the NSPCC.

I know it doesn't make anything better but I hope that lots of other people take some form of action - maybe a better one than that.

Me too Missfliss. Cancelled my Times subscription and put the £20 per month to NSPCC in Arthur's memory. I hope more people do whatever they can.
tallduckandhandsome · 03/12/2021 19:34

Whatever we say about Arthur’s birth mother’s crimes, her love for her son shines out in the pictures of them together. I hope so anyway.

VestaTilley · 03/12/2021 19:37

YANBU. I woke up at 4.30am thinking about him.

That poor, poor little boy. Millions of our hearts are broken.

Why didn’t the authorities act?! Why didn’t they listen to his Grandmother and Uncle? Why didn’t Arthur’s GP act when Arthur told him about his Dad? I am so angry.

That poor little boy; what he had to endure. You’re not unreasonable to be so upset - it is devastating.

MarshaBradyo · 03/12/2021 19:39

I haven’t heard any details but I feel sick at it anyway

It’s such a feeling of powerlessness against such evil

I hate hearing about it

So sad

PunchyAnts · 03/12/2021 19:40

Had a very heavy heart today thinking of poor Arthur. I saw today on the BBC News report that his favourite story was The Snail and the Whale, so I read it to my wee one at bedtime tonight as a small way of honouring his life.

CombatBarbie · 03/12/2021 19:40

I drove 5hrs home today and heard the recordings played on every news hour, when switching stations it was the same story.... I haven't actively seeked it out so don't see it as voyeurism. My heart wrenched every time I heard his voice, but I also came from am abused childhood so it's clearly disturbing to hear for alot of abuse survivors.

I certainly don't think anyone is enjoying watching the video or recordings and getting a kick out of them...... If they are, I hope they die painfully.

royco · 03/12/2021 19:42

@CombatBarbie

I drove 5hrs home today and heard the recordings played on every news hour, when switching stations it was the same story.... I haven't actively seeked it out so don't see it as voyeurism. My heart wrenched every time I heard his voice, but I also came from am abused childhood so it's clearly disturbing to hear for alot of abuse survivors.

I certainly don't think anyone is enjoying watching the video or recordings and getting a kick out of them...... If they are, I hope they die painfully.

Turn it off!
OhMyCrump · 03/12/2021 19:44

I know there's no way I can watch or listen to the recordings.
I jumped up and switch the radio off when the news came on yesterday. I know what it contains and I don't want to hear or see it.

FangsForTheMemory · 03/12/2021 19:44

@PleasantBirthday

I think I struggle with the mawkishness of Facebook posts and we love yous and I would have taken him in etc. You wouldn't have taken him in. He went through a hellish experience and would have been a difficult child with very difficult to meet needs as a result of his horrific experiences. Maltreated, abused, neglected, victim and witness to shocking violence, he would not have been the smiling grateful recipient of anyones munificence.

If you really feel affected and you must do something, hold down your dinner, dry your eyes and be kinder to the child you think is feral and a bad influence on yours. Report every legitimate concern you have. Ask questions. Actually consider the nuisance child that irritates you as possibly the child whose situation is deteriorating and do what you wish you had done for this child.

Absolutely this. There are so often posts about not letting a child come to a birthday party, not having a child on play dates etc. Imagine being that child.
CombatBarbie · 03/12/2021 19:46

I switched stations.... Ffs I didn't know the recordings were going to be played on every station. If Noone ever read these stories then how many other children would be just another statistic and not be remembered for the innocents that they are... Its a shock tactic to make us aware and make us be more observant.

You live in your perfect world where nothing bad happens..... 🙄

bramblebucket · 03/12/2021 19:48

Please remember on this thread there are people reading who went through the same as a child. I did, the abuse was horrific that I and my siblings endured and very like this case.

I did not watch these videos and 'cry and make myself sick or watch over and over for what purpose?' It's grossly self-indulgent and voyeuristic and serves no purpose. Those videos should not have been released.

DrSbaitso · 03/12/2021 19:48

@Applesonthelawn

DrSbaitso well I suppose I am one of those people who tries not to upset her dh by crying a lot in front of him about something he cannot help me with. I believe I have a responsibility not to overburden people I love. Not interested in whether you agree with that or not. And you also sound very weird interpreting my post to mean I thought no-one else was upset (as if!) when obviously what I meant was that it was helpful to feel other people also recognised it.
I interpreted your post exactly as you wrote it. I quoted you. If you didn't mean it, you shouldn't have said it.

I'm sorry to hear that you can't show emotions to your husband. That's very sad.

Thefartingsofaofdenmarkstreet · 03/12/2021 19:52

I think I struggle with the mawkishness of Facebook posts and we love yous and I would have taken him in etc. You wouldn't have taken him in. He went through a hellish experience and would have been a difficult child with very difficult to meet needs as a result of his horrific experiences. Maltreated, abused, neglected, victim and witness to shocking violence, he would not have been the smiling grateful recipient of anyones munificence.

Yes, I have seen some 'I would have taken him in, we love you Arthur' type stuff and thought exactly the same.

It does seem like there is a bit of competitive grieving going on as well.

I was surprised all the news outlets, especially the BBC, had that video footage published - it does feel like a massive invasion of his dignity. I felt similar when the BBC had the CCTV footage of the explosion in Liverpool a few weeks ago right at the top of the story, I couldn't believe they showed it like that. It feels like we are becoming more and more desensitised to stuff?

ParadiseLaundry · 03/12/2021 19:56

LBC played an horrendous recording of Arthur last week
It ripped me from sleep, the sound of a young child in obvious distress
I couldn’t make out what was happening, but then when it was reported that the little boy, Arthur,died next day, it affected me too, as it did many others

This happened to me too. DH came down and turned the radio on. I walked down the stairs and absolutely froze when I heard it and what he was saying in the recording. I knew it wasn't one of my children as I have NEVER heard a child sound so distressed and just like something was wrong so much. I have a boy the same age.

I'm not normally affected as badly as stories like this I I couldn't stop crying all day.

I was so upset LBC played it.