DD's Dad just cancelled having her

[user013452]

DD due to spend the weekend at her Dad's this weekend. She stays at his 4 night a month and that's it (every other weekend). Due to go to his at 4 today. Get a text from her Dad at 3 to say he can no longer have her this weekend. Wouldn't give a reason. Eventually admitted it was because him and his wife are arguing. Her 2DC (not his) will be at their house weekend. Couldn't say when he might next be seeing her, it could be the next time she's due to stay in 2 weeks. He's also asked me to tell DD she's no longer going (as he hasn't), but has asked me not to tell her the real reason. DD is 13. Surely this is not ok? Maybe it's just me?

I'm being unreasonable- it's fine for her to miss this weekend due to her Dad and his wife not currently getting on.

I'm not being unreasonable - it's her Dad's contact weekend, his wife's DC will be there are for the sake of 48 hours they should act like adults?

[quote Outlyingtrout]@GertietheGherkin bitter? Because someone disagrees with you. I find it incredibly difficult to believe that someone as misogynistic, childish and lacking in basic understanding could possibly be professionally involved in this field. Truly worrying on the off chance you're genuine.[/quote]
Hmmmm, so you've obviously missed the real childish, bitter, nasty comments calling a Father a prick? A loser, a shit bag, a useless piece of shit?
And when these terms are used in front of a child? Because many parents do have those conversations Infront of their children! When talking to friends/ family etc.
Some wonderful parents have those conversations WITH their children imagine that eh?
CAFCASS reports are full of horrible, nasty things that the children discuss with CAFCASS during meetings, Teachers reports too.

Please don't project your silliness towards me. You don't have to reply on a forum if you don't agree with a post you know. 😁 I'm bored and it's raining, what's your excuse? 😆

@GertietheGherkin DD's dad did not plan to go for lunch with his wife today after DD said no to going over, it was planned weeks ago.

Gertie are you one of those independent ‘social workers’ who sit in on supervised contact sessions?

@frazzledasarock

Gertie are you one of those independent ‘social workers’ who sit in on supervised contact sessions?

That'd be my guess too. Puffed up with self importance and absolutely none of the actual skills or qualities to back it up.

@GertietheGherkin Also hilarious that you keep accusing people of "projecting" and then spouting on about things that are nothing to do with the OP and all the things you've seen in your Very Important Job that are not happening in OP's situation.

[quote CarrotSticks19]@GertietheGherkin that's an odd take on the situation. You seem to be blaming a lot of the child I this situation

Let's be honest if the dad had had his daughters best interests at heart he would have told her himself, and come up with a contingency plan. E.g. going out for the day/to the cinema/lunch.

There's nothing to suggest he made lunch plans with his friends after his daughter said she didn't want to go to his (because she was presumably upset because he'd cancelled on her)

A child is not something you can drop because it's inconvenient for you. You are trying to blame everyone but the dad for dropping his child! Op has overplaying ger hand, the daughter said no etc. Of course a NRP who says that's it I'm done should be blamed! Of course it's their fault, they are a fucking parent

Op hasn't played any hand here. She's cancelled her plans to accommodate her ex's, she's comforted her daughter and allowed her to make her decision as to when she sees her dad. There's no game playing so don't pretend your shitty post is justified because some RP may play games[/quote]
He's cancelled ONE contact visit since the 12 week stoppage of contact at the beginning of the pandemic.

The OP doesn't mention any other disruptions regarding contact. If it was a regular occurrence I would agree, but one cancellation in many months isn't the end of the World. The OP states that her Daughter has a very good relationship with her Dad and is very loyal to him. He must be doing something right then for that to be the case. Likewise with her Step Mother, they seem to get on well, and have a good relationship. If her kids live there they'll probably be used to rows, the OPs ex probably doesn't want rows around his Daughter. Hence he cancelled. Maybe not great, but it's not something that happens regularly.

The rain has finally stopped so I'll bid you and the thread good evening. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

I think everyone is perfectly happy to reply to you @GertietheGherkin.

I don't understand why it's particularly childish or bitter to think a father who cancels on their own child 1 hr before she's spending the weekend at her is a shit dad. Hes not exactly a shining example of good parenting is he?

You seem to be taking this thread very personally. A lot of irrelevant crap to justify your misogyny

@GertietheGherkin No this isn't the first time he has cancelled having DD - he quite often books in overtime on the weekends he has her. I didn't mention that as I didn't think it was relevant to this particular situation.

As a mother I’ve not once cancelled parenting my children. I’ve been there through illness and exhaustion and being on my knees with personal hell. I’ve never ever had the luxury to cancel my parenting responsibilities.

Where’s my medal 🙄

gertie whoever you are stop making up scenrarios that havent happened its tiring

Why was my post deleted? For saying that it's a bit distasteful for bragging how lucrative it is to work for the family courts?

I stand by that. It really is.

Wow Elieza, you sure made a narrative up there!

Wow, with people like GertietheGherkin working in positions of influence in family court situations no wonder so many children are being harmed by abusive parents that the resident parent escaped from with their child/ren. It is absolutely horrific. Sorry if I derail your thread @user013452 I’m just so shocked at Gerties wild assumptions and accusations, bragging and pontificating on this thread.

There is another thread where a 3 year old is court ordered to having supervised contact with her father after he has physically abused her and there was police intervention. There is evidence of horrific abuse and this child is forcibly dragged kicking and screaming by social workers into the contact area, forced to be in the presence of the person who harmed her and traumatised her for two hours just to support the rights of this man. Re-traumatising a young child over and over again is not in their best interests at all.

No wonder this type of abuse is happening with people like Gertie being paid to destroy families and children’s lives. It is sick and deplorable and no one should be proud to be part of that.

It is not defamatory.

Domestic abuse victims ‘silenced’ by family courts and forced into letting dangerous exes see children, warn campaigners

Domestic abuse victims are routinely “silenced” by the family courts and forced into letting dangerous ex-partners see their children, campaigners said.
In a letter, shared exclusively with The Independent, over 40 experts in the family law and violence against women and girls sectors urged the government to take urgent action to protect domestic abuse victims.

The experts warned the Ministry of Justice released a report around a year ago stating the family courts are putting domestic abuse victims and their children at risk of additional harm, yet the system remains wholly unchanged since the research was published.
Olive Craig, senior legal officer at Rights of Women, a legal charity which spearheaded the letter, said: “The women we support on our family law advice line tell us nothing is changing – the minimisation of abuse and pro-contact culture that is causing so much harm is still alive and well.”

She warned the government’s “Harm Panel Report” should have been a “wake-up call for the system” as she urged the professionals who work within it to consider how it “re-traumatises and further abuses women and children”.

The signatories, whose letter is addressed to the Ministry of Justice, the Family Justice Council, the President of the Family Division, as well as the Family Procedure Rules Committee, noted the current system is also placing child sexual abuse survivors at risk.

“We’ve been in family court for three and a half years,” one woman said. “Nothing has changed over that period, in fact, I feel it has got worse. Recently I had a hearing on Microsoft Teams and no special measures could be arranged, despite there being a restraining order in place and the court knowing it. This made the hearing awful as he snarled at me throughout.”

Another added: “At the last hearing, I didn’t feel safe at all. We couldn’t see each other but the judge allowed my ex to verbally abuse me over Zoom.”

Dr Adrienne Barnett, who specialised in family law while practising as a barrister for more than 30 years, told The Independent every week she is contacted by domestic abuse survivors who have been “traumatised by years of abusive litigation and have either lost residence of their children to their abusers or are at imminent risk of doing so”.

She added: “Some women are afraid to even raise the abuse because they risk being accused of parental alienation and feel powerless to protect their children.
“Survivors have said that if they knew how bad the family court proceedings would be they would have stayed with their abusers. They and their children cannot wait for change.”

www.google.com.au/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/domestic-abuse-family-courts-children-b1870605.html%3famp

Here is another article and there are much more than these two:

In fact, women’s reports of domestic violence are still widely rejected, especially in one critical setting: the family court.
When women, children or both report abuse by a father in a case concerning child custody or visitation, courts often refuse to believe them. Judges even sometimes “shoot the messenger” by removing custody from the mother and awarding it to the allegedly abusive father.
For instance, courts reject 81% of mothers’ allegations of child sexual abuse, 79% of their allegations of child physical abuse, and 57% of their allegations of partner abuse. Overall, 28% of mothers alleging a father is abusive lose custody to that father; this percentage rises to 50% when an allegedly abusive father accuses the mother of “parental alienation” (more on this below).

Family courts’ hostility – both in the U.S. and abroad – toward claims of paternal or spousal abuse has been widely reported by scholars and litigants. But it’s only recently that empirical data has been produced that validates the growing chorus of distress.
...
Deadly consequences
The harm to both children and their protective mothers from these family court practices is significant.
One study of what are called “turned-around” cases involved allegations of child abuse that were at first viewed as false and later judged to be valid. This study found that a majority of children in these cases were forced to live with their abusive fathers, that the vast majority reported new incidents of abuse and that children’s mental and physical health significantly deteriorated before a second court finally sent them back to their safe mothers.
Worst of all, family courts’ refusals to take seriously one parent’s claims that the other parent is dangerous have enabled over 100 child homicides.

www.google.com.au/amp/s/theconversation.com/amp/victims-of-domestic-abuse-find-no-haven-in-family-courts-159192

Parents on a parenting forum can look at the facts and weigh up the information for themselves and make their own decisions. They don’t need to be shielded from the truth.

I only posted what I did in response to the Gertie post. She manipulated the Op’s concerns and tried to twist them into some kind of immature games against her ex. Then she validated her accusations by claiming to be a part of the service that deals with families and contact arrangements. She used her position to abuse and invalidate the Op and pp on this thread.

And yes I posted a comment to disagree with her and express concern about the system based on her attitude and the serious flaws, that have been well documented, with the current system.

I don’t wish to completely derail the thread so I won’t comment on this again.

I'd tell her the truth and I'd be glad he wasn't having her
Bless her having to spend her weekend with that going on she is better off at home with you. X

I dont know why you would enable his behaviour.
His reason to cancel is rediculous. Also you had plans. You should have dropped her off and let him deal with it.

I would have told her thr truth also. Because if things turn nasty she at last knows who said what and who canceled on her

Tell her the truth. From experience, if you don’t, she will think it’s some thing that SHE did. Also from experience, she will realise in her own time that he is a Twat. I’ve been NC with my similarly useless F for years.
I also have DSC, they are adults now, but when they were younger (and still now!) there is NO WAY my DH would have cancelled if we were arguing, and I wouldn’t have let him if he tried. You get so little time with them, you plaster on a smile and get on with it…it’s about the DC and NOT you!!!

@GertietheGherkin. Sorry but your response was utterly bizarre, so many assumptions about ops situation. I do hope you don’t make the same kind of assumptions in your very important job in court!

“OP has instantly come from he's let his Daughter down and not explained. He actually trusted the OP to explain,”
^
‘Trusted’? Come off it. He shirked responsibility. He didn’t want to have to have a difficult conversation so he wanted someone else to do it. If he was so desperate to have an equal parenting role he’d have taken responsibility for his change in plans. However he didn’t have to because he knew he could leave that on the mothers shoulders to deal with.

“I have to listen to this all day, thankfully I get paid for it!”

^ and? I worked for years in children safeguarding and constantly worked with separated parents, so my opinion was based from experience too. I’d be interested to hear what role you have though and how much time you actually spend with children and families assessing their situations.

“Children aren't playthings or bargaining chips to pass around”.
^
No they’re not. Of course plans sometimes need to change, but the least the parent could do in that situation is have some basic communication with there child.

“Some Fathers would love to see their kids every week, but usually the ex will settle scores and insist on once a month.”
^
What??!!! Op is talking about a father cancelling contact. Why are you talking about fathers wanting more contact on a thread about a father cancelling? contact and arranging meals with his wife, that exclude the child, during contact.

“So my opinions will vary considerably from many on here, as I see the reality and the impact of those realities on children everyday”
^
Sorry, not impressed. I’m gonna take a massive leap and suppose you work in the legal profession? Only because of the arrogance that comes across in your post.

I wouldn't want my daughter around arguing, but I'd be telling him it's his job to explain why she's not going. And making damn sure he makes alternative arrangements to see her and bloody quickly.

Not read whole thread but from the title alone I would say the only reason a parent should be excused having their DC for the weekend, as arranged, is that they are very ill or there's some unavoidable catastrophe, like the house is flooded. No other excuses acceptable.