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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's Dad just cancelled having her

228 replies

user013452 · 03/12/2021 16:12

DD due to spend the weekend at her Dad's this weekend. She stays at his 4 night a month and that's it (every other weekend). Due to go to his at 4 today. Get a text from her Dad at 3 to say he can no longer have her this weekend. Wouldn't give a reason. Eventually admitted it was because him and his wife are arguing. Her 2DC (not his) will be at their house weekend. Couldn't say when he might next be seeing her, it could be the next time she's due to stay in 2 weeks. He's also asked me to tell DD she's no longer going (as he hasn't), but has asked me not to tell her the real reason. DD is 13. Surely this is not ok? Maybe it's just me?

I'm being unreasonable- it's fine for her to miss this weekend due to her Dad and his wife not currently getting on.

I'm not being unreasonable - it's her Dad's contact weekend, his wife's DC will be there are for the sake of 48 hours they should act like adults?

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 03/12/2021 18:17

[quote RedWingBoots]@lilmishap his wife isn't her mother. So if the arguing is nasty e.g. about her then it is better for her not to be in their house.[/quote]
He’s an adult. Arguing is a choice that he and his wife are making. They need to choose to shelve their argument until there are no children present. Nobody’s kids - the stepmother’s included - should be listening to arguing that’s as serious and prolonged as this apparently is. It’s the behaviour of the adults that is optional, not DD being made welcome at her other home.

If it’s his wife who refuses to stop arguing then exH needs to come up with a solution that doesn’t involve letting his daughter down. Perhaps if his wife can’t control her behaviour around the children then she needs to be the one to vacate for the weekend to enable DD to be at hone with her dad. Or exH needs to book a hotel for the weekend and take DD there - maybe turn it into a surprise weekend away. Or maybe he could have some decency and actually call OP, explain his predicament and see if it would be convenient for DD to sleep at her mum’s but for her dad to pick her up first thing and take her out all day Saturday and Sunday. Make some fun plans for her.

There are dozens of solutions that don’t involve this arsehole ditching his daughter with an hour’s notice via text.

Santaischeckinglists · 03/12/2021 18:20

Personally I would block him temporarily.. She isn't obliged to pander to his attempt at emotional blackmail.
She is entitled to decide herself at 13.

Outlyingtrout · 03/12/2021 18:21

And good for DD telling him to shove it now he’s decided it’s convenient for him to offer her a few crumbs.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2021 18:31

@user013452

Well I've replied and said unfortunately DD won't be going over this weekend, she doesn't want to, and we have made plans. He has now started texting her directly promising to do x and y with her if she goes over. What a difficult position to put DD in!
Oh so he does have her number! But still just texting. Why can't he pick up the phone and TALK to his daughterAngry? Ir is he too sensitive a soul to withstand hearing an upset / angered / scathing tone of voice? What an arsewipe.
WonderfulYou · 03/12/2021 18:32

I’d feel disappointed that she’s been let down but I wouldn’t want my child around two adults arguing.
I would be more annoyed if he had her as normal and they argued in front of her and made her feel uncomfortable.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 03/12/2021 18:37

Oh that's awful of him, it just gets worse. He needs to pick up the phone, apologise profusely and ask her what she'd like.

Poor girl.

Summerfun54321 · 03/12/2021 18:44

DD is old enough to be taught that she doesn’t owe anything to unreliable men who don’t respect her feelings.

reader12 · 03/12/2021 18:45

What a useless dad. Poor girl.

Riverlee · 03/12/2021 18:50

@saraclara

I wouldn't want her there in a bad atmosphere, nor would I particularly want to tell her why he's cancelling, or she's going to be uncomfortable with them next time she goes.

It's annoying, but I'd put her wellbeing first.

My thoughts also. If your ex is usuAlly reliable, then I would I put him some slack for one week.
Ginger1982 · 03/12/2021 19:01

"My thoughts also. If your ex is usuAlly reliable, then I would I put him some slack for one week."

He sees her 4 nights a month?! If that's being 'reliable' then the bar is pretty fucking low.

LostForIdeas · 03/12/2021 19:01

Next time, don’t play the intermediate and let him tell her she is welcome or unwelcome.

He is currently trying to ‘buy her’ with promises to do x and y. She will know that. And if she is anything like me, it won’t go down well :(

LostForIdeas · 03/12/2021 19:03

I also believe that truth is he best attitude when it comes to that sort if situation. Why should the OP cover for him? She will only end up being the bad guy :(

CaveMum · 03/12/2021 19:03

@Summerfun54321

DD is old enough to be taught that she doesn’t owe anything to unreliable men who don’t respect her feelings.
Exactly this. A perfect opportunity for your DD to learn that her feelings come first and that she should not let anyone compromise her boundaries.
littlefireseverywhere · 03/12/2021 19:06

He’s so damaging & doesn’t realise it. What a test, well done for being a fab mum, putting her first & making her feel valued & special!

Original poster
user013452 · 03/12/2021 19:09

@littlefireseverywhere Thank you, DD makes it easy Smile

OP posts:
Secondtimemama31 · 03/12/2021 19:11

Wooooah, he could be leaving her/divorce. Why does everyone always jump to deadbeat dad?

He could be worried she wouldn't be nice if they were arguing. Maybe he's protecting his daughter.

NowEvenBetter · 03/12/2021 19:24

Who cares about his sex life, secondtime ? He’s a deadbeat because he only sees the child four days a month, which is indefensible. And here, he’s failing his child and messing about with her and OPs time.
He needs to be communicating with his child and arranging his deadbeat, less than bare minimum contact with her directly.

QuitMoaning · 03/12/2021 19:26

My son is 24 and we went all through this when he was a child/teenager. His father frequently let him down and prioritised his second family. He loves our son deeply but didn’t think about the consequences of his actions and broken promises.
I vowed never to come between them and never slagged his father off but always took the hit and stayed constant and honest with my son.

Now our son is a young adult and the consequences have come home to roost and my partner and me are the first to hear news and we get invited over. My sons long term partner (over 3 years) hasn’t even met my ex.
It is tough to watch your child being constantly let down but just be consistent and steady and you relationship will flourish.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 03/12/2021 19:37

and to hell with OP's plans, eh?

He's an absolute shit. He can check the two of them into a hotel for a 'fun' weekend if he doesn't want to be at home with his wife, but he has a responsibility to see his daughter on his weekends.

HermioneHere · 03/12/2021 19:38

Even more of a twat now trying to force her back to him with guilty promises of good times.

Of course she'll feel obliged to go. He really shouldn't put her in that position. But as so often with men, it's all about them and their feelings.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2021 19:40

@user013452

Well I've replied and said unfortunately DD won't be going over this weekend, she doesn't want to, and we have made plans. He has now started texting her directly promising to do x and y with her if she goes over. What a difficult position to put DD in!
I have a 13 yo dd. I’d be really upset if her dad treated her like this. It’s so manipulative.

Can’t believe the cut him some slack posts. He has his Dd for 4 days out of 28!

RedWingBoots · 03/12/2021 20:01

@user013452

Well I've replied and said unfortunately DD won't be going over this weekend, she doesn't want to, and we have made plans. He has now started texting her directly promising to do x and y with her if she goes over. What a difficult position to put DD in!
Well the eye rolling from her shows she already knows he is unreliable.

Him then making promises which he will forget will just prove it.

Lilymossflower · 03/12/2021 20:06

Yadnbu

What a tosser

ProudThrilledHappy · 03/12/2021 20:13

@Secondtimemama31 seeing his daughter 4 days out of 30 and paying the bare minimum makes him a deadbeat dad.

Cancelling 2 of the 4 days at short notice over a private disagreement with his wife when her kids are still around and not being a grown up makes him a c*nt.

Sounds like your DD already has the measure of him Op, good for her

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/12/2021 20:13

[quote user013452]@Mrsjayy He lives about a 10 minute car journey from us.
@crackofdoom He's working next weekend apparently! [/quote]
Then he can still see her the two weekend days, do stuff and if need be sleep at yours and collect her gain next day

Why should she miss out seeing her dad as he’s arguing