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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD's Dad just cancelled having her

228 replies

user013452 · 03/12/2021 16:12

DD due to spend the weekend at her Dad's this weekend. She stays at his 4 night a month and that's it (every other weekend). Due to go to his at 4 today. Get a text from her Dad at 3 to say he can no longer have her this weekend. Wouldn't give a reason. Eventually admitted it was because him and his wife are arguing. Her 2DC (not his) will be at their house weekend. Couldn't say when he might next be seeing her, it could be the next time she's due to stay in 2 weeks. He's also asked me to tell DD she's no longer going (as he hasn't), but has asked me not to tell her the real reason. DD is 13. Surely this is not ok? Maybe it's just me?

I'm being unreasonable- it's fine for her to miss this weekend due to her Dad and his wife not currently getting on.

I'm not being unreasonable - it's her Dad's contact weekend, his wife's DC will be there are for the sake of 48 hours they should act like adults?

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 03/12/2021 20:15

Sounds like she’s not missing alot anyway Blondes.

My dad was precisely this type of parent, minimal contact and even that was on his wife’s terms.

We don’t speak now

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/12/2021 20:16

Tho just seen update and he can now see her, but you have made plans

cstaff · 03/12/2021 20:27

It sounds like your dd has already wisened up to her dad's behaviour. It's quite sad that at 13 she already expects this crap behaviour from her dad who is supposed to be the adult. Poor kid 😢

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 03/12/2021 20:36

Lots of people tried to "protect" me from my shitty dad. All sorts of people told me he cared about me very much and was trying his best, and he must have very good reasons for not being able to visit me.

I honestly think it would have been better for me if the adults in my life had just been honest and admitted that he was a piece of shit who didn't care about me. It would have saved me a lot of confusion and heartache.

thenewduchessofhastings · 03/12/2021 20:41

Translation;his wife has decided she doesn't want your DD around anymore and he won't stand up to her.

Bignanny30 · 03/12/2021 20:42

It’s a shame he left it until the last minute to let her down! But at least he realises that a home where they are arguing is no place for his daughter. My ex often used to let my daughter down, but to be honest I didn’t mind because it meant that I got to spend the weekend with her myself. Do something special with her and I’m sure she won’t be too disappointed.

NumberTheory · 03/12/2021 20:51

If she asks for the reason, I would tell her. And if I would probably tell him I have no intention of lying to her to cover up for him.

I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable for him to think a house where the adults are arguing is a poor place for a teen to be, but his lack of plans to see her (even if being in the house would be a bad idea he could have arranged to take her out for a meal this evening and on day trips Saturday and Sunday), his wanting you to tell her, etc. all points to her not being a priority for him and him doing the minimum as far as she's concerned. Given her eye roll it sounds like she's got his number, which is quite sad. Glad you have made plans for her so her weekend is fun and she knows you've got her back when her Dad inevitably lets her down.

Outlyingtrout · 03/12/2021 20:57

@Secondtimemama31

Wooooah, he could be leaving her/divorce. Why does everyone always jump to deadbeat dad?

He could be worried she wouldn't be nice if they were arguing. Maybe he's protecting his daughter.

Nobody has “jumped” to anything. He sees his child 4 days every month and didn’t see her at all for 10 weeks last year because Covid 🙄 which only ended when OP turned up at his house with his daughter. He's now cancelling on her - via text! - with an hour's notice because he's having a row with his wife.

If this prick isn't a deadbeat then I dread to think who is!

candlelightsatdawn · 03/12/2021 22:06

Nah I'm a step mum, this isn't ok. He sound be having contact with his DD unless there's a serious reason. Having a tiff with your missis isn't one of them.

I suppose the only disclaimer would be if actually the tiff was drug induced or violent in anyway and that was likely to continue during contact time.

Still though it's up to him to tell DD not you just because your mum.

Is he a bit of a Disney dad ? I wonder if the partner has said you need to parent and spend time with your DD instead of leaving it all up to and he's caught the hump because he's expected to parent?

He could take her out or do something with her ! He's a lazy jackass tbh.

candlelightsatdawn · 03/12/2021 22:15

@thenewduchessofhastings

Translation;his wife has decided she doesn't want your DD around anymore and he won't stand up to her.
This is a weird assumption given OP has always gotten on with her ex's partner.

It's quite probable that for the 4 days he has DD, the new partner has said you need to look after your own child and not dump her with me solely and be a parent her and he's coped the arse. Sounds like he's also booked in work for next weekend so it sounds like any excuse not to have her (which he doesn't take the blame is preferable).

My ex's missus text me to tell me she had said similar thing to him and he copped the arse . She's a lovely women I have no idea why she's with my ex but DD loves her so I'm lucky. My ex was furious she had ratted him out

WonderfulYou · 04/12/2021 08:43

Translation;his wife has decided she doesn't want your DD around anymore and he won't stand up to her.

If this was true then he would be standing up to her else they wouldn’t be arguing.

They could be arguing about anything - she/he could have cheated, one might want a separation etc - not things that can wait until after the weekend.
I wouldn’t want my daughter there. I think he did the decent thing.
Has he said anything about making it up to her next weekend?

ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou · 04/12/2021 08:48

Please don't lie to for him and what's wrong with the truth?
They are arguing or so he says just tell her that??

What an arse.

ElfontheShelfisLookingatYou · 04/12/2021 08:48

Tell your daughter what he said and let her make that decision.

Whatwouldscullydo · 04/12/2021 08:50

They could be arguing about anything - she/he could have cheated, one might want a separation etc - not things that can wait until after the weekend

Or it could he about laundry or who's turn it is to walk the dog. He has 26 other days of the month he can schedule an argument. It will have to wait like it does for everyone else.

WonderfulYou · 04/12/2021 11:50

It will have to wait like it does for everyone else.

Ahh yes. The women must not argue when it’s inconvenient for the man. Like it’s that simple.

Whatwouldscullydo · 04/12/2021 11:55

Its not about inconvenience. Its about behaving like an adult and trying to set a reasonable example by not arguing infront if the children .

I bet he wouldn't not show up for work because he wanted to yell at hiis wife how she's washing all his clothes wrong .

But it's OK to do that to a child? A child u have fir 4 days. Perhaps he could have phoned in sick to work and got ot out of the way before she got there ?or is work important but the child not?

ChaToilLeam · 04/12/2021 12:02

Sounds like your DD knows what to expect from her father, which is very little. Bloody cheek of him to expect you to do his dirty work for him. He’ll reap the benefits when he is old and lonely and wonders why he doesn’t get any visits.

CaveMum · 04/12/2021 12:06

Hope you and DD had a lovely evening and that you enjoy the cinema today @user013452

Original poster
user013452 · 04/12/2021 12:11

@CaveMum Thank you! Yes last night was lovely, she spent most of the evening downstairs with me.

Her Dad persuaded her to go to his but she isn't going until after we've been to the cinema today. Despite this kind of thing happening DD is very loyal to her Dad. I always try and encourage a relationship between them but as she is getting older so has started to notice things she never used to!

OP posts:
CaveMum · 04/12/2021 12:21

Glad that you both had a good evening and well done to your DD for agreeing to things on her terms, ie meeting her dad after she’s been to the cinema with you.

Of course you shouldn’t discourage a relationship between them, but as you say she is starting to see the real him and he has no one to blame but himself.

Outlyingtrout · 04/12/2021 12:24

@WonderfulYou

It will have to wait like it does for everyone else.

Ahh yes. The women must not argue when it’s inconvenient for the man. Like it’s that simple.

This is a complete stretch. You're making it into something it just isn't.

Responsible parents and step-parents do not argue excessively in front of children. Yes, we all have the odd disagreement but that's presumably not what this is if it's serious enough that DD has been banished from her home. What do you think other parents do when they are going through rough patches in their marriage? The decent ones don't go to war in front of their kids and they don't all have the option to ship the children off elsewhere. They have to prioritise their children and the arguments have to wait.

Elieza · 04/12/2021 13:08

What gets me is that the wife’s kids are allowed to come but the husbands kid isn’t.

What’s that all about!!

Obv they won’t argue in front of those kids so why would dd be any more of an inconvenience?

Sounds like the wife doesn’t want his kid there but is fine with her own. Or the dad is so traumatised by the whole situation he can’t handle the responsibility of dd as he’s genuinely worried for his future.

It’s nice dd had a good relationship with her father. Hopefully they can go out somewhere together if there’s an atmosphere at his house. Although the weathers a bit crap and I wouldn’t be venturing into town with all the shoppers breathing all over me, but that’s perhaps just me being OTT Grin

Hanab · 04/12/2021 17:21

Not your duty to tell her. He is a twat! Could he not have her at a family members home? Or even just have her during the day each day and brung her home. Many options but he is choosing not to make a plan and stick to his scheduled time

Harmonypuss · 04/12/2021 17:39

Tell daughter to call her dad and ask for a reason and when she'll next be seeing him.

My ex used to do this all the time but once I started putting soon on the phone or asking him to call his dad, he soon got his areas into gear.

Happyher · 04/12/2021 17:45

I do t think it was unreasonable to ask that she doesn’t come one weekend if there is conflict in the home- it’s not fair to DD to be in middle of that but he should tell her himself and not expect you to lie to her. At 13 she should be given some say when arrangements are changed. I think you’ve handled it well

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