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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's Dad just cancelled having her

228 replies

user013452 · 03/12/2021 16:12

DD due to spend the weekend at her Dad's this weekend. She stays at his 4 night a month and that's it (every other weekend). Due to go to his at 4 today. Get a text from her Dad at 3 to say he can no longer have her this weekend. Wouldn't give a reason. Eventually admitted it was because him and his wife are arguing. Her 2DC (not his) will be at their house weekend. Couldn't say when he might next be seeing her, it could be the next time she's due to stay in 2 weeks. He's also asked me to tell DD she's no longer going (as he hasn't), but has asked me not to tell her the real reason. DD is 13. Surely this is not ok? Maybe it's just me?

I'm being unreasonable- it's fine for her to miss this weekend due to her Dad and his wife not currently getting on.

I'm not being unreasonable - it's her Dad's contact weekend, his wife's DC will be there are for the sake of 48 hours they should act like adults?

OP posts:
CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 03/12/2021 16:35

DC's father did this when we first broke up. I then wouldnt let him have them for 6 weeks to teach him he was not going to mess them around. He was begging to have them in the end. Never treated them like that since.

Really feeling for you @user013452, it is disgusting when children are treated as disposable

WeeTattieBogle · 03/12/2021 16:36

I’m pretty sure you could find a way to tell your daughter in the kindest possible way why her father won’t have her this weekend. She should know and you don’t owe him any favors.

Original poster
user013452 · 03/12/2021 16:38

@crackofdoom How did you know he pays the bare minimum and has never helped with school uniform, school trips or anything else she needs?!

OP posts:
TheReluctantPhoenix · 03/12/2021 16:39

Far from OK.

The one arrangement it is never ok to break is with your own children (short of being seriously ill).

Ultimately the idea of coparenting is that a child has two homes. It is the same as telling them that they are not welcome in their own home.

picklemewalnuts · 03/12/2021 16:40

To be fair, if he's trying to protect her from a bad atmosphere it isn't necessarily a bad call.
He's gone about it badly, should be asking whether it's possible for her to stay with you rather than cancelling. If it's awful at his house at the moment, then it's better she isn't there.

crackofdoom · 03/12/2021 16:40

OP sheesh, I dunno, must be psychic 🤦

Outlyingtrout · 03/12/2021 16:40

Did her dad just go along with her not being allowed in her other home for 3 months?? Did he bother to see her in that time?

Don’t lie for him, OP. He’s a shit dad and doesn’t prioritise her. Don’t collude with him in creating a facade of anything else. The sooner she sees the relationship for what it is, the sooner she can come to terms with it (with your support) and the less likely she will be to pour months and years of effort and emotion into a one-way relationship with a deadbeat dad who doesn’t give a shit.

Embracelife · 03/12/2021 16:42

@Itsalmostanaccessory

My reply would be, "She is 13. Call and tell her yourself."
Exactly, he tells her himself
Newmumatlast · 03/12/2021 16:42

Don't lie to her. She is 13. Be honest. To some extent it may feel worse if you don't tell her why as she will think her Dad just doesn't want her when actually its because he is thinking it may not be appropriate environment, it seems.

That said, he is being a dick not still seeing her but her just not staying there. He could take her to cinema, for lunch, to a Christmas fayre, anything. Him and his wife arguing doesn't mean he cannot see her at all.

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/12/2021 16:44

Isn't it lovely that kids are so optional Hmm

I would tell her the truth. Fuck him.

Flowers fir your dd

Floundery · 03/12/2021 16:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Arethechildreninbedyet · 03/12/2021 16:46

What a pathetic, nasty little bastard. Your poor girl.

A simple, 'sorry babe, Dad's text and he's had to cancel last minute. He'll be in touch when he can next see you. Let's get a takeaway.'

If she asks why I would be very vague 'there's an issue with him and 'June', I'm not too sure. Nothing to worry about.'

She'll realise what a lowlife he is soon enough, she doesn't need that lesson from you. I'm sorry you're picking up the pieces.

CarrotSticks19 · 03/12/2021 16:47

A child isn't a house guest you can chose to have in your house willy nilly. It is her home, wedding you cannot essentially turn around and so sorry love you cant come home from school today because me and my wife are arguing

Tell him he needs to tell her himself, and find an alternative arrangement. Don't lie for him, I don't see what you can possibly say anyway that justifies him deciding not to see his daughter this weekend 1 hrs before she's due. If its the atmosphere he was worried about he could easily take her out for the day, or even the weekend

2bazookas · 03/12/2021 16:49

Tell her yourself ( so you can pick the right words, let her down gently and support her) that

" Dad has phoned to say sorry, she can't come this weekend. The reason is that he and his wife are having a rocky patch.

You don't know what the rocky details are
Yes, he should have told you himself but he's probably a bit upset and embarrassed. to talk about it to you."

No need at all to mention the  other DC will be there. If she accidentally finds out,  you pretend Dad didn't mention them.
Earwigworries · 03/12/2021 16:51

If there’s a bad atmosphere she’s probably better off at home with you . Doesn’t make it right though

Original poster
user013452 · 03/12/2021 16:51

@Outlyingtrout Unfortunately he did go along with for 3 months. He spoke to her a lot on her phone but that's of course not the same. After about 10 weeks I'd had enough (not of her, she's great!) and I drove her over to his house and he came out and they spoke on his doorstep for 10 minutes!

OP posts:
Whatliesbeneath707 · 03/12/2021 16:53

It is awful that he has let her down at the last minute, but I would flip this around and think at least she isn’t going to his to watch her dad & his wife argue.
At 13 she will now understand who is reliable and who is not. You don’t need to point that out to her.
Like others have said, spoil her tonight if you can. Order a takeout and watch a film or go to the cinema or mess around doing face masks and each other’s nails.
In years to come when she has left home, you will be grateful for all these extra opportunities that you’ve had with her. You will be able to share lovely memories with her too. Her dad won’t and he will possibly regret the times that he’s missed out on.
Have a good night OP.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2021 16:54

[quote user013452]@crackofdoom How did you know he pays the bare minimum and has never helped with school uniform, school trips or anything else she needs?! [/quote]
Any reason you haven’t gone through the courts and CMS? That’s your DD’s money

dchange · 03/12/2021 16:58

I will 100% tell her the truth. However, how you say it is also important. At 13, she should be able to understand and you guys can have a great weekend.

Also, looks like if the dad is working all weekend he typically leaves her with his wife and she may not be having it. Worth him rethinking if 4 days a month is required. If you only leave 10 minutes away I see no reason why he can't still do things with her. Is should not need to be that rigid; especially at her age.

All the best, but make sure your daughter knows she is loved by both parents Smile

Original poster
user013452 · 03/12/2021 16:58

I've told her she's no longer going to her Dad's and she rolled her eyes and went back upstairs. She hasn't asked why yet but I know she will and I don't really know what to say.

We're getting a takeaway tonight and I've just booked to take her to the cinema tomorrow. I've also arranged for us to go to her Grandparents for a roast on Sunday!!

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 03/12/2021 16:59

That’s absolutely appalling @user013452. I’m sure none of the mums on this thread could bear to be apart from their children for 3 months and he did it willingly without any reason.

My husband has a similar father and has really struggled as an adult to come to terms with it. Especially after we had children and he understood what it actually is to be a dad. He just couldn’t understand why his own father seemed to view him as an optional extra.

I feel like DH’s adult life and mental health would have been much better if he had been supported in coming to terms with having a deadbeat dad rather than have other trusted adults make vague excuses like “oh I’m sure your dad would be here if he could”.

tillytown · 03/12/2021 17:01

Tell her the truth, she's old enough to know that dad couldn't be bothered to at least take her out for a meal on his weekend with her

Whichnumbers · 03/12/2021 17:02

Id let him know that he needs to tell his own daughter about arrangements and its not your job to be the fall out guy or bearer of bad news.

Also ask what would he do if she was at his for the weekend and you text to say - you can't bring her back this week as I've got an argument going on with my boyfriend? Perhaps have a long hard think about that before you cancel plans. So stop treating me like the hired help and you can pick and choose when you want to be a father and get round here and pick up your daughter

Fireflygal · 03/12/2021 17:02

How long have they been married? Is it a joint house..is he usually a manipulative man? If so it could be that he has cancelled his daughter and will then guilt/blame current wife. Or he and wife are arguing because he wants to be out and he planned on getting wife to babysit.

I suspect none of his reasons are unselfish.

NeedsCharging · 03/12/2021 17:02

You should have made him tell her.

It's shit that you have to adult for him. Next time say "fine but I expect you to tell DD you are cancelling seeing her and the date you expect to see her".