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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD's Dad just cancelled having her

228 replies

user013452 · 03/12/2021 16:12

DD due to spend the weekend at her Dad's this weekend. She stays at his 4 night a month and that's it (every other weekend). Due to go to his at 4 today. Get a text from her Dad at 3 to say he can no longer have her this weekend. Wouldn't give a reason. Eventually admitted it was because him and his wife are arguing. Her 2DC (not his) will be at their house weekend. Couldn't say when he might next be seeing her, it could be the next time she's due to stay in 2 weeks. He's also asked me to tell DD she's no longer going (as he hasn't), but has asked me not to tell her the real reason. DD is 13. Surely this is not ok? Maybe it's just me?

I'm being unreasonable- it's fine for her to miss this weekend due to her Dad and his wife not currently getting on.

I'm not being unreasonable - it's her Dad's contact weekend, his wife's DC will be there are for the sake of 48 hours they should act like adults?

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 03/12/2021 17:38

She hasn't asked why yet but I know she will and I don't really know what to say.

Tell her exactly what he said in his text messages to you. She will already have an idea of the atmosphere between her dad and his new wife.

And as she is 13 there is no point having contact court ordered as it is now up to her if she can be bothered to see her dad.

Lunificent · 03/12/2021 17:38

They may not even have been arguing. He may just have fancied working a few extra hours to pay for Christmas (not your dd’s Christmas).

Tellmeagain · 03/12/2021 17:40

What a waster, who messes their daughter around when they only get two weekends a month with her? You sound lovely, I hope you have a great weekend together but I'm sorry your plans have been impacted.

Abigail12345654321 · 03/12/2021 17:43

@user013452

I did actually have plans tonight (it's very rare I do), which I've now cancelled!

Not sure what on Earth is going on as he's just text me to say he can now have her tomorrow. I've told DD and she has said she's not going. What a mess!

Good for her!

Nice to see you are raising a young woman who won’t be messed about. Your plans for the weekend sound far better so dad can go lump it…….!

LookItsMeAgain · 03/12/2021 17:46

I'd text him back and say "Due to your shitty behaviour you rescheduling both your daughter and my weekend at such short notice, I have had to cancel plans and make new ones. It no longer suits either of us for you to have DD tomorrow. As her father, it is your responsibility to explain to DD why you weren't able to have her as planned."

I'd even consider emailing him a note to say that if he ever pulls a stunt like this again in the future, you will be contacting a solicitor and going all legal on him so that time spent with his daughter is court mandated (for as long as DD wants to).

cansu · 03/12/2021 17:46

It wouldn't be nice for her to be there if they were arguing. Whilst it is inconvenient and I assume she was looking forward to it, I would explain it factually and probably refrain from slagging him off.

shouldistop · 03/12/2021 17:47

@LookItsMeAgain even if it's court mandated it's only to make the resident parent make sure the child is available for contact. The courts cannot force the non resident parent to pick their child up.

ancientgran · 03/12/2021 17:49

@saraclara

I wouldn't want her there in a bad atmosphere, nor would I particularly want to tell her why he's cancelling, or she's going to be uncomfortable with them next time she goes.

It's annoying, but I'd put her wellbeing first.

Yes I agree with this.
TiddlesTheTiger · 03/12/2021 17:51

He's thinking only about himself is what's happening.
It's some convoluted thought process he's having, involving him trying to make things easier for himself and, I hope, failing to do that.

Christmas3143 · 03/12/2021 17:51

He needs to tell your Dd himself, not expect you to do it. I have this issue with Ds and his dad. He rings up when Ds is at school to stay he can't have him after school, I have to Ds and I'm the bad guy!

HermioneHere · 03/12/2021 17:53

Honour your daughter's decision. He can shove her back and forth like that.

What a twat.

Lweji · 03/12/2021 17:54

She hasn't asked why yet but I know she will and I don't really know what to say.
The truth. If he wants to lie to her, then he should do it himself.

Not sure what on Earth is going on as he's just text me to say he can now have her tomorrow. I've told DD and she has said she's not going.

Good for her. That's how fathers loose their non-resident children. Im sure he'll be baffled when it hapens.

Lweji · 03/12/2021 17:54

Sorry. Typing one handed.

Helpstopthepain · 03/12/2021 17:55

@user013452

I did actually have plans tonight (it's very rare I do), which I've now cancelled!

Not sure what on Earth is going on as he's just text me to say he can now have her tomorrow. I've told DD and she has said she's not going. What a mess!

Good for her!
WhereYouLeftIt · 03/12/2021 17:57

He really is a cowardly little shit, isn't he? Doesn't even have the decency to phone his daughter and make his explanations directly to her. No, no - he TEXTS you, forcing you to be the go-between. What a coward. And a shit.

lilmishap · 03/12/2021 17:57

@cansu

It wouldn't be nice for her to be there if they were arguing. Whilst it is inconvenient and I assume she was looking forward to it, I would explain it factually and probably refrain from slagging him off.
Dad is her dad, if he's arguing with his wife or not. Nobody else gets to magically not have their kids in the house if they're arguing why should he?

Sorry darling dads too speshul to be a parent in all weathers, he'd just sooner not do that and he's claiming you're too fragile to hear an argument between 2 adults like every other child has done at some point. Thats the truth and it's not slagging him off

He's not a fairground ride, his job is not to be a 'nice' experience.

RedWingBoots · 03/12/2021 17:59

@lilmishap his wife isn't her mother. So if the arguing is nasty e.g. about her then it is better for her not to be in their house.

lilmishap · 03/12/2021 18:01

No he's not a childminder or a friend he is her dad, it's on them to adjust their behaviour not her to miss out on time with her dad. Parenting isn't fucking optional.

Pinksloth · 03/12/2021 18:02

@crackofdoom

He’s working next weekend apparently!

Of course he fucking is 🙄. I bet he’s got a really really important job with lots of MEETINGS and everything that mysteriously only pays enough for him to contribute the bare minimum of maintenance too, or is that just mine?

This makes me seethe. What a fucking stupid system that allows men (let's face it, it's mainly men) to get out of supporting their children and leaving it all to the state or the mother to fund. Why the hell isn't it just linked to the tax system, so it's harder to duck out of paying it?

OP your ex is a cock (I'm sure you knew that anyway). Why do people have kids and then think they're an optional extra that they can pick up and drop when it suits?

silverbubbles · 03/12/2021 18:04

Tell him to take her out for the day and then out for the evening.

A580Hojas · 03/12/2021 18:05

Wouldn't be surprised if his wife is on Mumsnet moaning about how inconvenient it is to have his dd every other weekend. You see a lot of it on here.

Sorry OP - it's absolutely shit for your dd. I have been that 13 year old.

Bushkin · 03/12/2021 18:09

Good on her, I’d support her in not going tomorrow. Reinforcing the message that she should not let useless men drop and pick her up as it suits them. I hope you both have a lovely evening and day at the cinema Flowers

Livelovebehappy · 03/12/2021 18:09

Unfortunately this is a common situation OP. Lots of deadbeat dads out there who think once they divorce the mum, they divorce the kids too. What a waste of space twat he is. Hopefully you havent made arrangements to do stuff yourself, and you and dd can go and do something nice together.

OneMoreTimeBaby · 03/12/2021 18:15

Tell your daughter that she shouldn't accept people, including her dad mess her about, she doesn't have to go, carry on with the plans you've made. He needs to apologise to her and make it up to her, if he has it in him. Pathetic excuse for a father!

Original poster
user013452 · 03/12/2021 18:17

Well I've replied and said unfortunately DD won't be going over this weekend, she doesn't want to, and we have made plans. He has now started texting her directly promising to do x and y with her if she goes over. What a difficult position to put DD in!

OP posts: