To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

100 MILLION per cent agree @PuttingOnTheKitsch

These 'any man is better than no man' women do my fucking head in. When a child is beaten/abused/murdered; It's almost always the fucking stepdad isn't it? I have known a number of women living with men who are not the father of their children, and these men don't give a flying fuck about the children; they are just a hindrance. They shout, smack, and verbally abuse them, and sometimes even worse. (Obviously not ALL stepdads are like this, but a certain type is...)

I used to know a woman who had a daughter when she was 18, and she was with the father til the girl was about 6, then he left her for another woman. Within months this woman had another man in her house and her bed. My DD went to school with the woman's daughter who was 6 or 7 by then, and she was constantly neglected, left alone til 10 or 11 at night three nights a week while they fucked off out to the pub, and screamed at and smacked. (By HIM.)

She became timid and nervous, and started to show signs of bruising over her shoulders and back. The school intervened, and the little girl was taken away, and put into the care of her grandmother (her father's mother.) She lived with her nan til she left school, and then moved in with a boyfriend at 17.

Another case that comes to mind is Tia Sharp, raped and murdered by her step father turned step grandfather...

Jesus, some people on this thread.

It has nothing to do with choice of men and picking a better partner

I will never, ever, move a man into my children's safe place and home. Ever.

BECAUSE, you don't know ANYONE - even if you think you do.

@lisaandalan

I can't stop crying thinking of him. X

Me neither it has seriously affected me and listening to his sobs

There are lots of horrible examples in the crime reports - some people are absolute lunatics who like hurting children and find people with them to do just that. They exist and like any sort of abuser, they wait for their chance.

Tustin was very unusual because she was utterly open about it. It makes you wonder just what the hell it was like where she lived.

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

Blimey. I’m what I’d consider a bit of fuddy duddy when it comes to relationships but even I know that being married doesn’t mean all is well.

I agree OP. I’ve been single for 14 years and will remain so. My children didn’t need some randoms bloke up be moved in just because I happened to like him.

I read today that Arthur’s mother was from a secure background, privately educated and in her final year at uni studying philosophy when she met Hughes and became pregnant with Arthur and dropped out. I also note that Hughes was very fond of the dishing out the most spiteful of emotional and mental abuse to his child - pretending to take him to his grandparents only to turn round and not, and also slashing his prized possessions to pieces in front of him. Tustin was just as bad but I would very much like to know more about Hughes and what made him tick.

@bg92

Jesus, some people on this thread.

It has nothing to do with choice of men and picking a better partner

I will never, ever, move a man into my children's safe place and home. Ever.

BECAUSE, you don't know ANYONE - even if you think you do.

Literally this🤷‍♀️

My mum had my sister and I 9 years apart with the same man. Our dad didn't want to be apart of our lives so my mum was a single parent. She literally stayed single up until my little sister was around 9/10 and that's when she started dating. My sister and I have only met a few men over the years that she's been in relationships with. Here and there they would stay over and always stay in my mum's room but I'm happy she never had a relationship when either my sister or I were little kids.

She always said she wouldn't have a man around us when we were young because you simply 'don't know someone as much as you think.' As my little sister got older she knew she'd voice any wrongdoings (even though their was literally no opportunity to do anything as my mum had them in her room all the time) but I really appreciated that! We never had men in and out of our house/lives. No one else living there.

Even though I'm older with my own child and DP. I still hope no one would ever move in and my little sister's even a teenager now😂 it's really not hard to put your kids first for some years!

Men like Hughes have children so they can carry on having control over the women they fathered them with even afterwards. Tormenting small children and knowing they will not be believed makes them very pleased as they know it will distress the mother and the child. Job done.

Are men even biologically designed to raise children that are not their own ?

Well that just wipes out a whole slew of adoptive fathers.

Yanbu but as a parent who asks for help and is not really coping well (but is managing) - there must be little to no support for single parents. I can understand not wanting to be alone.

Every day the community and family plays less importance in helping support families. Dirty looks in shops with crying children, not welcome in social places like cafes etc.

No Sure Start centres. Closed down baby groups. No public toilets on trips to the park.

A newspaper wrote that poor lad had a bruise for every day of lockdown.

Totally agree.
I will never let any man move in with me and my children.
This year my DC's father (my ex) moved in with a woman who has 2 children - she has no idea how dangerous he is.

I've said yabu mainly because in most cases the parent is just as culpable and have been involved in the abuse or let it happen. That suggests that they were a poor parent and potential threat to their child all by themselves. A new partner doesn't mean the parent suddenly cannot parent. I would not let the sort of abuse that happened to Arthur happen in my home new partner or not. I do appreciate some abuse can go unnoticed - often SA. But even if the parent isn't involved or aware, it is also dangerous to assume only strangers are the threat there too. Things often happen with family friends and wider family members who noone would refer to as a stranger. The focus on stranger danger needs to be broadened to actually any adult at all who is involved in your child's life and even other children - cousins, children of friends etc. - who can also pose a threat.

I do agree though that by introducing new partners - particularly frequent changes of partners - you are opening yourself up to risk as you may be less likely to really know them or their motives, and some people specifically target people with children. I am not sure I would live with a partner until my child was 18 if I separated from my husband as I am too worried about something happening. But then my excessive worry probably means its less likely to as I am constantly on guard for it even with family members I love and trust, I still am mindful you never really truly know anyone but yourself as you cannot hear inner thoughts

@Mybalconyiscracking

I think that a lot of women need to spend a lot more time getting to know a man before they actually breed with him, Then there might be a few less one parent families in the World. I have said before that the day you meet a new bloke you should automatically have a 3 year contraceptive implant inserted, If you make it to the end of the three years still in the relationship, then you can have a baby.

I agree with this in principle but unfortunately many men (and women) turn into complete pricks once children are born. A relationship with responsibilities, ie children, is a world away from one without...

I totally agree with this. My ex did this with OW. Moved straight in with her after walking out of here and expected to make happy families with our then 2 year old. She absolutely hated my son and resented him and couldn't bear us having contact. Eventually, my DS was old enough to speak up and I was warned by others how she was treating him. She is now subject to a Prohibited Steps Order and ex has no contact.

My ex chose a shag and OW's wealth over our little boy. He didn't give a fuck about safeguarding him. Similar to Arthur's waste of oxygen "father".

I have chosen to remain single as I will not subject my child to anybody. If I decide later on to date, it will be handled very very carefully over a long period. It's not worth the risk.

Arthur was also being abused by his natural father

@gettheflockoutofhere Tustin won't be out in 12 years. She has a life sentence with a minimum of 29 years before eligible for parole. She would then need to convince a parole board that she is suitable for release. Some prisoners with that sentence never get out. Others do but not after minimum term usually.

@bg92

Jesus, some people on this thread.

It has nothing to do with choice of men and picking a better partner

I will never, ever, move a man into my children's safe place and home. Ever.

BECAUSE, you don't know ANYONE - even if you think you do.

By this rationale people should never have children because the father is MORE likely to abuse the child Lots of abusers start their abuse when they get their partner pregnant

I really don't like this need to have a baby together when there are already children on both sides so the couple can "bond together " by having a child of their own. Why ffs.

I was with someone for 5 years, we both had dc from previous relationships, never lived together. We had the conversation early on that neither of us wanted anymore dc, we already had 3 dc between us to focus on and didn't feel the need to "cement" us together by having one of our own.

Now the relationship is over we could both go our separate ways and there wasn't yet another child in the world born to "cement " a relationship together 🙄

I always said that another man would not live with is until my dd was 18. I didn't think it fair that she would need to cover up etc in her own home.

She's 24 now and I live apart from my partner because I prefer it that way.

I agree to an extent in that anyone can be abusive biological parents or non biological ones. I think any new partner must be understanding and should never move in quickly. That said the existing parent usually knows that the partner is abusive in these cases that come to the news which means the parent is just as bad themselves. Therefore the way to protect from that is social services. For every shitty parent and step parents out there there will be plenty of good ones.

@RoastPotatoQueen

YANBU. I completely agree.

I also think the two adults won't even call them parents as they don't deserve that title that killed that poor little boy deserve to be prisoned for life. 21 years for taking away a little boys life who had his whole life to lead is disgusting. What was that judge thinking?

It making a judgement on the appropriateness of the sentence as I didnt hear the case but the father got 21 years presumably because he wasn't convicted of murder but manslaughter. The gf didn't get 21 years at all. She got life with minimum term of 29 years. That doesn't mean she only serves 29 years. It means she has to serve at least 29 years before she is eligible for parole. She will then need to apply to the parole board. That itself takes time, lots dont succeed first try, and some never do.

YANBU OP. I've been a SM for 16 years now and have never wanted a new relationship. Always felt there was too big a chance of it hurting my kids. Kinda felt I was a bit odd for making this choice. Reading this thread has made me realise me I am not alone in feeling this way!

I agree. I honestly don't see why people seem so keen to jump into living together and blending families. Date by all means but why the keenness to live together so quick?