To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

Nobody's saying terrible things don't happen in single parent families or families with both parents, but introducing a new partner to the home does add a significant additional risk to a child's life. That is fact.

I personally wouldn't date again if I split from the DC dad.

I am very wary of men, I'd be comfortable single.

DD is at an age where its not appropriate to have a strange man move in.

It can work when the right precautions are taking.
My friend remarried 8 years ago he is an excellent father to all 3, 1 is his.
They've a new lifestyle holidays, nice clothes and support, she was apprehensive about dating him, he is great.

@Confusedteacher

To those saying single mothers should never date again- does that also apply to the fathers? Or is just the women who should martyr themselves?

As a pp said Dads should be doing the parenting during his time and not palming off the kids to gf/sister/his mum which happens too often on here.

Too many separated parents (of both sexes) move away from the other parent without considering whether or not it's reasonable to do so. Sometimes it's inevitable but I've seen people on here puzzled when posters tell them that it's unreasonable to move 4 hours away from the other parent. You don't have to live next door and sometimes no contact is for the best but most kids should be seeing both parents.

Based on what I read here it's not unusual for a man to have a child with his new gf then tell his ex that child maintenance is now unaffordable or he needs to have his kids with her less. Also it seems that too many men spend less time than the new gf thinking about how family life might change and that they should consider dealing with their dad guilt before having more children. Based on what I read here, too many kids end up in a 2 tier situation with their step siblings being treated differently to them. While this may be low level, it's not fair on any of the kids.

@Gearedtoyou “introducing a new partner to the home does add a significant additional risk to a child's life. That is fact.”

But so many things in life add additional risk. Should we just wrap our children up in cotton wool and never do/let them do anything? Never take them on a plane in case it crashes, never let them go on a scout trip in case the scout leader is a predator, never let them sleep over at a friend’s house in case their friend’s parents are abusers?!

Or should we maybe calm down, trust our own judgement to make sensible decisions and also trust our children to raise any valid concerns- and make sure our children know that they will be listened to?

@OatALot

If people suspect any potential new partner could potentially be abusive, did you also think that about the person you chose to have kids with?

People date so that they can get to know the other person. If the person is abusive to you then they obviously should be dismissed as a potential Co-parent.

While many abusers show their true colour as a result of pregnancy, observing the other person's behaviour during a traumatic situation like bereavement or redundancy can also offer hints

@User57327259

It is not only step parents who abuse children plenty of natural parents are utterly horrible. Poor children, they are at risk from so many people.

All the high profile cases have involved a step-parent.

@Gearedtoyou

Nobody's saying terrible things don't happen in single parent families or families with both parents, but introducing a new partner to the home does add a significant additional risk to a child's life. That is fact.

“Significant substantial risk” depends on the child age. There is a 6 fold risk if your children are under age 4. After that, no added risk.

psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fxge0000492
“Daly and Wilson (1994, 2008) reported that rates of fatal assaults of young children by stepfathers are over 100 times those by genetic fathers, and they explain the difference in evolutionary terms. Their study was replicated by comparing updated homicide data and population data from 3 surveys. This indicated that the risk to young stepchildren was approximately 16 times that to genetic children, and stepfathers were twice as likely to kill by beating. However, when we controlled for father’s age, the risk from cohabiting stepfathers was approximately 6 times greater. Above the age of 4 years, stepchildren were at no greater risk than genetic children. Children are at risk from fathers primarily when both are young and they do not live together; stepfathers’ apparent overrepresentation results largely from their relative youth and from many nonresidential perpetrators being labeled stepfathers. Other factors are also influential, but if these include stepparenthood, its impact is considerably less than previous researchers have claimed. (APA PsycInfo Database Record (c) 2019 APA, all rights reserved)”

I completely agree with the OP. I understand that fathers can be abusive. But the risk is increased when the parent’s partner is not the parent of the children.

If I ever split from DH I would never live with another man until my children had left home.

@christmaskittenincoming

Agree OP

Far too many out there not putting the children 1st, I have been ripped to shreds on here for suggesting that parents should really stop and think before moving a new partner in. A divorce/separation is exceptionally difficult for children to cope with without mum/dad jamming an unknown adult into the already disrupted childhood.

Why can't they just date, why the frantic need to have another adult living with them, then of course the need to 'gift' the new partner with a baby of their own

Completely agree.

I agree, it should be a very slow process introducing a new partner to you children. I find it shocking how many people move people they really hardly know in with their children.

“Significant substantial risk” depends on the child age. There is a 6 fold risk if your children are under age 4. After that, no added risk.

Your quite is about fatalities. There are significant additional risks for other kinds of abuse for older children.

I agree OP. I know a woman who keeps cycling through partners through the years and having a baby with each one so they can 'have that experience together'. No regard to how the other children whose dads have left might feel about this and another new man in the house. I can't imagine the effect this all has on the children - especially because they call each new man "dad". Heartbreaking.

@Gearedtoyou

“Significant substantial risk” depends on the child age. There is a 6 fold risk if your children are under age 4. After that, no added risk.

Your quite is about fatalities. There are significant additional risks for other kinds of abuse for older children.

This whole thread is about fatalities. It’s based on what happen to poor Arthur. You should specify if your comment about “significant additional risk” was not about being murdered by a stepparent.

@EmpressCixi the thread has been about abuse and then risks of moving in a new partner. You're surely not going to say that anyting less than a fatality doesn't count?

This whole thread is about fatalities. It’s based on what happen to poor Arthur. You should specify if your comment about “significant additional risk” was not about being murdered by a stepparent.

No, it's about the overall damage done to children by biological parents and some man/woman they moved in with them.

You know the birth dad was involved too as with most of these tragic cases the majority don't neglect and kill their children alone!

@Gearedtoyou and @PicsInRed

Not according to the OP
“Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.”

And
“Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.”

So in my opinion, you are derailing the thread by conflating nonfatal abuse with child murder. Yes child abuse counts and is horrible, but my posts are in line with the OP on risk of child murder by moving in a new partner. If you don’t want me to disagree with you, then don’t post vague comments like “adds significant risk” without specifying you are not talking about child murder but rather nonfatal abuse.

My DD's mum died when our DD was v young.
The maternal Grandparents fought tooth n nail to get custody (we weren't married)

Now given recent events, many would doubtless say they should have won but the court decided otherwise.

I dated a few woman over the years but i never ever wanted anyone to move in with us, my thinking was a bit odd, i thought to myself that the classic fairy tale of the "evil stepmother" has survived the test of time, these stories have some substance and tbh i loved being a dad and i had no one else to contradict what i wanted to do - it was all down to me!

DD just graduated, we have a fantastic relationship, she is my world and i have loved every stage of her life, from bottle feeding to terrible twos to sassy teenager and beyond... even teaching her to drive was ok - almost!

So i do get what the OP is saying but the real danger to child isn't a new partner but road accidents, as i know only too well, 300 children die each year, another 1500 adults too.

There was another one that happened local to me, a boy of 5 who was murdered by his mums partner because he lost his shoe in the park, he was alone with his mother’s partner when he murdered him, despite the fact the mother had only been in a relationship with the guy for 6 months and had previously been violent to her and her son, she knew he had been to prison before she met him but not what for apparently, well because he had a history of violence and was banned from having contact with children after trying to strangle another child. It just amazes me how quickly people will bring new partners into their child’s life not just introduce but actually leaving them alone with their child and letting them have responsibility for their children. A lot of these murders happened when the child was alone with a recent partner.

I love all the "if anything happened to DP/DH, I wouldn't date" posts. I said that too. Then something did happen to him, and I very quickly realised that I didn't want my romantic and sexual life to be over at 36.

@Confusedteacher

Statistically, children are more likely to be harmed by one of their own parents.

But don’t let that get in the way of using the tragic death of a little boy for some good old fashioned single-parent bashing

This. Blended families also copping it, because obviously people in nuclear 2.4 child homes never abuse their children do they. I'm a single mother and tbh I wouldn't have a partner live here just because it could be destabilising for the kids. But having said that, the person who has caused them the most grief in their young lives is their father - who left and then dumped them. Life is difficult enough for single parents without the constant accusations of fecklessness.

I do agree some people move in with a partner far too quickly and to hell with the impact to the children, however that child's father was just as responsible as far as I'm concerned and was completely involved in the prolonged abuse and torture of his six year old. Who's to say he wouldn't have done that living alone with him? The parent of the child is responsible for their safety. I just wish he'd left that poor little bit with his grandparents.

@Confusedteacher

Statistically, children are more likely to be harmed by one of their own parents.

But don’t let that get in the way of using the tragic death of a little boy for some good old fashioned single-parent bashing

But he wasn't a single parent, that is the point. There was a new partner on the scene. Yet another case of its type (though a reverse of the more common scenario where it is a step-father who lead the abuse).

Lots of victim blaming on this thread

If a woman has a partner, and the partner murders the child, it's a tragedy all right, but it's the partner who committed the crime

Vitriol addressed at the woman seems misguided, like blaming women for being victims of domestic abuse, or for being sexually assaulted

[quote EmpressCixi]**@Gearedtoyou* and @PicsInRed*

Not according to the OP
“Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.”

And
“Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.”

So in my opinion, you are derailing the thread by conflating nonfatal abuse with child murder. Yes child abuse counts and is horrible, but my posts are in line with the OP on risk of child murder by moving in a new partner. If you don’t want me to disagree with you, then don’t post vague comments like “adds significant risk” without specifying you are not talking about child murder but rather nonfatal abuse.[/quote]
Threads do drift. Discussing wider abuse is relevant because these children weren't just killed in a single act of abuse, with no previous history. There was an increasing pattern of abuse.

And I think setting the bar for child wellbeing at not being killed, is very low.