To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

Yes, lots of lone parents provide for their children, and they don't make decisions based on a partner bringing in money. Work out how to make your own money and improve your circumstances.

@JustLyra

I think the speed that some people move in together is such a multi faceted thing that it’s impossible to say “it’s because of this or that” and that be one thing.

There’s a huge financial aspect to it. If a single income was enough to have a decent living then I think people would rush less, but when it seems like that lifestyle they, and the kids, would have would be so much better the temptation is huge.

I also think the way society generally has a view that couples who don’t live together can’t possibly be serious doesn’t help. There’s also an element of being finding it odd or weird when people don’t move to the next step relatively quickly.

There is also in a lot of quarters still a stigma about being a single mother. It’s much better than it used to be, but it is still there.

Agree with this. The whole of our society is geared towards pushing people to cohabit without thinking of the impact on the children.

You see this all the time on here: pedants who pick someone up for using the phrase "partner" because the couple don't live together etc. People constantly nagging you to know when your partner is going to move in. It's totally endemic. No wonder a lot of women feel they're not "whole" without a live-in partner and consequently put up with and put their children through a lot of shit.

And yes the financial aspect is significant. Though in a lot of these cases where people rush a partner in within weeks I suspect the man is usually the greater beneficiary than the woman.

You can’t judge everyone by some truly evil individuals. Evil individuals who can also be north parents or relatives.

Yes. It's worth remembering that Tustin was a mother herself. Her own children were witness to what she was up to. And yet whilst this is a story about a stepmother murdering a child it's turned into a thread heaping blame on mothers who get into new relationships with men. Now sure, this bothers me. It bothers me when my DP's ex introduces their child to men she barely knows. She's taken her daughter on second dates with men she's met on OLD. When DP's daughter is with her we're just on standby waiting for a call in case the child needs to come home pronto. And her home is with DP, family courts decided that.

But some posters on here have gone on to say that for well over a decade they've just remained single because they don't want any other man in their house. Fine if that's what works for you but I think there is a middle ground here, as some PP have said. Just take time to get to know someone and don't feel pressured to move them in, for whatever reason.

I agree, it's not not victim blaming to say parents should put their children above anyone. If you can't do that, you shouldn't be a parent.

I absolutely agree. I’d never have a man live with me again as he isn’t related to the children. Too risky. Like male lions who kill a females unrelated Cubs. Or the risk of sexual abuse. I’d never want to be a step parent either.

Some people just can’t make good decisions and that includes partners unfortunately. I do know excellent step parents, but the parent has spent time assessing whether it will work, testing the waters, talking to partner/children about plans.
It’s different to someone just moving someone in quickly because they are dating them.

If you work in schools you see it all the time. Mum (generally) gets new BF, moves BF in. BF gets very involved quickly and starts coming into school fo attend all meetings about behaviour etc. Wanting BF as emergency contact. Months later, BF is gone and there is a note not to give them any information. It’s chaotic and damaging.

I agree with you 100% OP.

I have two young girls. The safety aspect is clearly the main reason. However it’s also because I know how much I would have hated to have some stranger living with us when I was a preteen/teen. Feeling unable to slob around in your jammies etc. A non-related male always in your space. Nah, I’d never inflict that on my daughters. My home is their home and it needs to be just that.

@LJAKS

At almost 40, my step dad has been in my life for nearly 30 years. He's a wonderful man and a great example to my daughter. The same cannot be said about my dad, although we still have a relationship he's never been a patch on the father my stepdad is for me. I left my husband when my DD was 4. I live with my partner, in a similar dynamic she has an infinitely better relationship with him than with her dad, who she also sees. Plenty of people are shit, abusive parents. More are not. Sweeping generalisations that single parents shouldn't be able to move on don't help anyone

I agree, it’s only ever women expected to be martyrs and forego their own chance at happiness because clearly they’re too stupid to pick a decent man who won’t abuse their children.

Fuck that. My happiness matters too

I agree, it’s only ever women expected to be martyrs and forego their own chance at happiness because clearly they’re too stupid to pick a decent man who won’t abuse their children.

I expect it of both male and female. There are plenty of damaging female stepparents as well as male, however the abuse a female stepparent metes out is more likely to fly under the radar due to how women abuse.

@Sunshineandflipflops

I separated from my dc's father 4 years ago. I have had a new partner for over 2 years now and he know I won't live with him while my dc live with me. Not because I think he is abusive but because he is MY partner and I choose to be with him but the children shouldn't have another adult forced on them. I want our home to be a safe and happy place and I love our dynamic the way it is.

Unfortunately some people put their own wants above their children's wants and needs.

Honestly, you are a great mum and your dc will thank you in the future. One of the best things my dm did for us was not inflict a new partner on us or bring a stranger into our home. She was widowed young but chose to put us first. I didn’t appreciate it at the time but as an adult I understand what she did for us and I will always be grateful to her.

This isn’t a dig at lone parents dating etc, but I have no idea why they have to bring someone else into their children’s life. They can choose to spend time with whoever they want but they don’t afford their children the same luxury. It’s wrong.

That being said, women are judged far more harshly for this when in reality it’s often single dads who can’t seem to cope for 5 mins on their own. Step mums can also be unkind and even abusive as this awful case demonstrates.

All those single parents saying they would never bring a man into their children’s lives - that is your choice and I applaud you for it. I was very happy on my own for years as a single parent, no one needs a relationship. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t, and it doesn’t mean that those of us who do meet someone and cautiously let them into our lives are not putting our children first. There is a balance.

As an alternative point of view, my mum was a single parent who never had another relationship after my dad. She tried to hide it, but she was very lonely, and incredibly over-involved in our lives as teenagers, because we were her whole world. I loved her dearly but it was suffocating. When I left home to go to uni I worried about her constantly.

Looking back, she was about 40 when she split from my dad, younger than I am now. I feel very sad for her that at such a young age she felt that was it for her, and she never got to experience a happy loving relationship (my dad was awful to her). Maybe one day she would have, but she died at the age of 54.

I agree, it’s only ever women expected to be martyrs and forego their own chance at happiness because clearly they’re too stupid to pick a decent man who won’t abuse their children.

I don't think anyone's saying single parents have to swear off having another partner for life. They're saying you should proceed with caution, read the red flags diligently and be honest with yourself about them and take things very slowly.

And unfortunately women do seem to have a tendency to make poor decisions about this more than men because there is far more pressure on them to find new relationships and to feel that they are failing if they are single. And frankly women (and children) have far more to lose from this than men do.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

I agree 100% OP.

The obsession of mumsnetters of moving random men into their homes astounds me, as does the obsession of men of getting random women to do all the child related work for them.

My kids adore him...

This is how I feel and why I won't spilt up with my useless DH. He is waste of space when it comes to the kids, but I don't want another person living with my DC. So whilst DH is mostly unhelpful, he is another adult and their father so we carry on.

For all those claiming I am demonising single mothers and saying that they can never date again:

1. I criticised mothers and fathers equally. About 90% of posts on the step-parent's board are really the fault of the father, but behaviour gets blamed on the ex-partner or worst of all the children instead.

2. The title of the post refers to strangers. For whoever upthread is talking about their second husband of 14 years, this clearly doesn't apply to you. People do remarry, do make good step-parents, but there are a lot of new relationships where the children's needs come last, sometimes with horrendous consequences and this is what we are talking about.

Anyone could be widowed or felt by their partner at any time, so no parent is immune from this situation.

I also do think it's great to read about people who have chosen to keep their children and dating life separate because there absolutely is a huge push to "couple up" and live together, despite it often causing a world of headaches, so reading about women happily living separately from their partners is a good thing.

It’s quite obvious that the op isn’t talking about parents who have taken their time and got to know someone and waited before introducing them to their children, I am a lone parent, my kids are with me every single day so I don’t ever get time to date this means I can’t date, I don’t use it as an excuse to bring men around my children quickly because I don’t get time away, I would never risk my children’s safety, but many single parents do, and have someone quickly living with them and meeting their children almost straight away and in some cases the same day (I’ve seen posts from women who take their toddlers on dates, have men round their house they’re just met whilst their child is in bed) I have a friend who met a man and within 2 weeks this guy was in her house lying under the covers on the sofa with her 3 year old?! I mean come on. It’s clear what cases are being spoken about.

Yanbu, I know so many people who are fucked up because their parents put there own needs before their children's, including my own. I think of the "blended families" I've known there is possibly 20% of them that I would consider worked. I don't think people should stay together for the sake of the kids or be alone forever but I'm not sure rushing into new relationships and expecting it to work for your children is great either.

Agreed: Priority a should be1)the child 2) the child 2) the child.

I’m afraid to say that I do a job which means I regularly work with children who have been sexually abused. The majority of those I’ve met have been abused by a stepfather. Several of them - devastatingly - were ostracised by their mothers who chose to support and stay with their boyfriends. I’ve sat in a room with a teenage girl breaking her heart about the abandonment from her mother, which she told me was worse than the sexual assaults.

You can do some due diligence by moving very slowly, but always, always prioritise your children no matter what.

As a single parent I’d agree. I’m quite happy to be single or date in time should I meet someone suitable but I wouldn’t live with someone till the dc are adults.

What OP is describing is not a blended family, she isn’t slating blended families.

It’s the uncle this and uncle that brigade.

I agree.

But there is a world of difference between moving a man (or woman) into your home with your kids after 6 weeks and having a volatile and abusive relationship with them to having a steady non live in partner for a few years and then moving in where all seem happy.

The latter happened to me, my late dh moved in with us after 2 years, he was fantastic with my dc but the relationship developed slowly with my dc, he was kind and thoughtful and all 4 regarded as much nicer than their own dads. It did take a lot of patience and love on both sides though.

It does seem very victim blamey and let’s bash single parents yet again, plenty of evil bastards in long term marriages

You need a license to drive a car. You need a license to own a gun. You need qualifications to practice law. But anyone can have a child.

Im a bit torn on this. You can’t tar everyone with the same brush and everyone’s circumstances are different though I do understand the sentiment. My mother in law was widowed really young in her 20s and met a lovely man shortly after who moved in and raised my husband as his own. If I’m to agree with this then I’d basically be leaving my children without their grandad. And he is very much grandad even if they don’t share blood. Sometimes having mums (or dads) partner in your life can be a positive influence.

Ah its such a complex issue OP

But fundamentally I agree.