To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

At almost 40, my step dad has been in my life for nearly 30 years. He's a wonderful man and a great example to my daughter. The same cannot be said about my dad, although we still have a relationship he's never been a patch on the father my stepdad is for me. I left my husband when my DD was 4. I live with my partner, in a similar dynamic she has an infinitely better relationship with him than with her dad, who she also sees. Plenty of people are shit, abusive parents. More are not. Sweeping generalisations that single parents shouldn't be able to move on don't help anyone

It is a horrific case and both step and biological parents( mum and dad) are disgraceful.

It's a balance isn't it? A new relationship where someone is introduced gradually and time is taken to ensure the relationship is going to last is much better than moving someone you barely know in after 3
Months of dating.

There have been a lot of threads from people saying they're having relationship problems recently saying they moved in quickly together because of lockdown. Those are the people moving strangers in their houses, not the ones who date someone for a long time with gradually increasing contact with the children before moving them in.

I also don't get the anecdotes on here- 'my husband/ brother/ father is an amazing step dad so it's fine'. That's brilliant, and no one is doubting that, but there are some awful step parents, most won't end up in the papers but they're still awful.

Why wouldn't people take a bit of extra time before moving someone in with their children just to make sure they fall into the wonderful category.

@OhWhyNot

I have read many times on here that when your children are with their father it’s none of your business who your children are with

It is always my business until my son is an adult. I insisted on meeting the ex girlfriend he was little and and the girlfriend was about to spend weekends with him

MN is ridiculous at times

But don't you think it's also concerning that you chose to have a child with someone you clearly don't trust?

I absolutely agree. But in this specific case, the father was evil too and just as culpable. So it wasn't a case of him not knowing his partner well enough to be trusted with his child.

@NerrSnerr

I also don't get the anecdotes on here- 'my husband/ brother/ father is an amazing step dad so it's fine'. That's brilliant, and no one is doubting that, but there are some awful step parents, most won't end up in the papers but they're still awful.

Why wouldn't people take a bit of extra time before moving someone in with their children just to make sure they fall into the wonderful category.

You get a lot of cocklodgers pushing to move in with a woman who has children (and therefore also has her own flat).

And so many women are conditioned to feel so shit about themselves when they're alone that they welcome them with open arms. Into a home with their kids.

Of course there are plenty of brilliant step-parents. But the critical thing is just building in time. You take as much time as you can before moving someone in, you evaluate their personality, you watch how they are under pressure you allow them to be introduced slowly to your kids. If someone is pressuring you to move in after six weeks you know they are not the right person.

I almost wonder if there should be a campaign in schools about this.

Statistically you may well be correct.

But it's a real mixed bag. The biological parents in these cases are hardly blameless are they? It's hard to believe that Arthur would have been completely fine long term living with his father, who was equally abusive.

Some of the comments on this thread just stink of people wanting to go back to the days when being an unmarried mother was shameful and they were forced to give the babies to a nice married couple. We all know how that worked out don't we?

I think the speed that some people move in together is such a multi faceted thing that it’s impossible to say “it’s because of this or that” and that be one thing.

There’s a huge financial aspect to it. If a single income was enough to have a decent living then I think people would rush less, but when it seems like that lifestyle they, and the kids, would have would be so much better the temptation is huge.

I also think the way society generally has a view that couples who don’t live together can’t possibly be serious doesn’t help. There’s also an element of being finding it odd or weird when people don’t move to the next step relatively quickly.

There is also in a lot of quarters still a stigma about being a single mother. It’s much better than it used to be, but it is still there.

So disgusting the first-wives clubs are using this tradegy to get on their high horse about blended families. Life is not binary. It isn't a happy childhood in a nuclear family or a body bag in a blended one. There are many other set ups in between. I know loads of lovely step-parents and on the flip side some toxic biological parents.

Not moving someone in quickly protects the children. But the threat is still there walking around in society. Someone will be on the receiving end eventually. Do we blame that victim for not taking enough procautions? We need to treat male violence, as it is men who generally abuse. This was a high profile case because it featured a girlfriend. A female.

I think people are actually avoiding the fact that this "father" did some really horrific things to his own child all on his own. Like the salt thing ...

No matter how long he stayed single, are we really saying he would have suddenly not been abusive ?

That female is evil but do we really think he would have with his abusive nature found someone who would have allowed him to be abusive and a decent person to the child.

I know I'm female but I don't have a magic wand to persuade a abusive man not to be abusive. With his nature he literally would have made any female with a shred of sanity run a mile.

This isn't about step parents or staying single forever. It's about a man who fundamentally chose someone just as abusive as him, and failed in his parental duty.

The comments on staying married or going to church is a protective factor is just grim given the levels of reported abuse in both.

Anyone reading this thread experiencing DV may think that staying with a abusive man is better the devil you know. Which is frightening given they are more than likely to die at the hands of that devil.

@Cosmois I don't think it's a bad thing to suggest that people introduce step parents gradually and don't move them in the house too quick.

There are lovely step parents and biological parents. There are toxic step parents and biological parents. If you're one of the good ones I don't see why exercising caution to absolutely make sure the person you're dating falls into that category too.

So many people wilfully misinterpreting the OP and a lot of subsequent posts.

Well, Arthur's mum was hardly a great parent either. The poor boy never stood a chance.

Photos released of Arthur with his mother released this morning show him clean, well nourished, beautifully dressed and with beaming smiles. I dare say he’d have had at least a chance of remaining alive in her care.

As I said previously - she came from a stable, well educated background. Met Hughes, became pregnant and her life spiralled out of control. How many times have we seen this when women become involved with vicious, controlling, abusive men?

One common reason is money. Housing is so expensive.

It's horrendous if people are putting their children's safety and wellbeing at risk for financial gain.

It is so difficult. That poor boy.

I think a main issue is that without good finances you cannot provide your kids with stability. Its not about financial gain in terms of making pocket money on the side...for many women they cannot survive with one income and universal credit but are called benefit scroungers.
As a single mum you cannot win. You are either a poor chooser of men, a benefit scrounger and a bad mum doomed to a lonely life.

Parents need to be monitored if people think they are making dangerous decisions.
Social services needs a drastic overhaul...a friend had a horrendous time when they gave an abuser custody of her child.

And the freedom programme needs a higher profile.

I agree 100% OP.

The obsession of mumsnetters of moving random men into their homes astounds me, as does the obsession of men of getting random women to do all the child related work for them.

@ThousandsOfTulips

One common reason is money. Housing is so expensive.

It's horrendous if people are putting their children's safety and wellbeing at risk for financial gain.

It’s not about financial gain as such. In many occasions it’s about the security of being able to afford food and heat for your kids.

The demonisation of single mothers who need benefit top ups stopping would really help.

@malificent7

I think a main issue is that without good finances you cannot provide your kids with stability. Its not about financial gain in terms of making pocket money on the side...for many women they cannot survive with one income and universal credit but are called benefit scroungers. As a single mum you cannot win. You are either a poor chooser of men, a benefit scrounger and a bad mum doomed to a lonely life.

I'm a lone parent. I provide for my children myself. Relationships should never be about money. You are painting - perhaps inintentionally - an infantalising picture of single mothers. The three options you set out ignore the possibility of supporting your own children financially, providing them with a stable home and keeping dating separate from that.

Obviously finances can be difficult for people, not disputing that at all! What I mean is that if someone's finances are a problem then it's their job/ career progression that they need to prioritise in order to get financial security, not their relationship status! Particularly because security derived only from money provided by a partner is never real security anyway.

@LondonWolf

Well, Arthur's mum was hardly a great parent either. The poor boy never stood a chance.

Photos released of Arthur with his mother released this morning show him clean, well nourished, beautifully dressed and with beaming smiles. I dare say he’d have had at least a chance of remaining alive in her care.

As I said previously - she came from a stable, well educated background. Met Hughes, became pregnant and her life spiralled out of control. How many times have we seen this when women become involved with vicious, controlling, abusive men?

I don't think the child should be with mum if she killed her previous partner just because children shouldn't be witness to DV.

However in the case of true DV (where mum doesn't kill her partner) - The courts don't help escape DV and although SS advocate to protect the family, this all goes to turnips if a judge comes along and grants access of the partner has been violent in the past. It's a literal trap