Page 12 | To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

UserOfManyNames · 04/12/2021 01:31

It blew me away as an adult with DC of my own realising that my mother got pregnant, and moved into her house, men she’d only known a few months on 2 occasions when she already had children.

The first time she was a widow with 4 DC. She got with my (much younger) father and had my full brother within a year of meeting him. Put my older half siblings who had lost their Dad, into a situation where they had a stepfather who was apparently abusive to them and ‘let’ his brother sexually abuse them. He was also an alcoholic and violent to my mother (again apparently). She takes absolutely no blame that she let him and his family into her lives. As always she was the victim.

While married to my father. she had decided to leave him and take all 6 of us DC to move in with a bloke she was having an affair with, a man we’d never met! but he got cold feet and didn’t pick us up so that was scuppered thankfully.

Within a few months of my Dad walking out after this, she was pregnant again and moved my (even younger) stepfather in. 6 DC in the house with a man we hardly knew. He even bathed me and I was allowed to sleep in bed with them. I was 7!

My mother has always portrayed herself as a superior being and better than everyone else so the realisation of how much risk she put her children in was gobsmacking. She saw nothing wrong in it at all and actually cut me off permanently when I tried to discuss it.

I probably would have split with DH during one of our many difficult periods (loss of a child, financial catastrophe, extremely challenging SN child, my MH, his general twattishness ) it hadn’t been for the fact that I would not allow another woman or man around my DC after my own experiences with a stepfather and my father abandoning me after their divorce. I’m thankful that we stuck it out now we and the DC are older though.

ThousandsOfTulips · 04/12/2021 01:41

@PuttingOnTheKitsch

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

Totally agree OP.

I am a lone parent and hell would freeze over before I moved an unrelated adult into my children's home. There's just no need for it, totally unfair on them and the most dangerous thing you can do to a child statistically.

It's weird when you hear people come out with all this "can't I have a life?" stuff. Firstly, it is possible to "have a life" and a new partner if you want one without moving them into your home or vice versa. Secondly, surely the most obvious point from all of these tragic cases is that children's wants and needs should come before those of adults. That would massively reduce the number of cases like this. And if people are not prepared to make that commitment to their children, then they shouldn't have any in the first place.

ThousandsOfTulips · 04/12/2021 01:45

@MrsBison

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously.

Some of us unfortunately were not able to prevent the other marriage partner from not taking the vows seriously.

UserOfManyNames · 04/12/2021 01:49

It's weird when you hear people come out with all this "can't I have a life?" stuff.

Agree @ThousandsOfTulips or you see them saying on here ‘so I have to stay celibate and never have a relationship or sex again because I’m a mother’!

Yes have all the sex you want, and have a relationship when your DC are out of the way but don’t bring it into their home.

ThousandsOfTulips · 04/12/2021 01:50

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

I agree in a sense of not rushing it, introducing slowly and making sure everything is okay before moving in etc. However, this is a minority of people with "blended families". And it can happen in together families too.

I don't think single parents should be resigned to be alone until their children are adults because some people are murdering bastards.

This is exactly what I mean. There are plenty of ways to have a relationship that don't involve moving in with somebody when you have children in your home already! Nobody is saying that single parents have to be "alone". The issue is about cohabiting with a non-parent and the well documented impact that has on children. There's no need to do it.

ThousandsOfTulips · 04/12/2021 01:56

@UserOfManyNames

It's weird when you hear people come out with all this "can't I have a life?" stuff.

Agree @ThousandsOfTulips or you see them saying on here ‘so I have to stay celibate and never have a relationship or sex again because I’m a mother’!

Yes have all the sex you want, and have a relationship when your DC are out of the way but don’t bring it into their home.

Exactly. People are hardly suggesting joining a nunnery by saying that it's prudent not to move someone children do not know and have not chosen into their own home, especially if they've already had to process the breakdown of their parents' relationship. Surely the focus should be on providing stability and security after a childhood trauma like that, not more upheaval for parental convenience! I find it baffling that so many people choose to do this; particularly when they both have children! And then they are apparently shocked that the children are unhappy and it causes problems. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 04/12/2021 02:00

@christmaskittenincoming

Agree OP

Far too many out there not putting the children 1st, I have been ripped to shreds on here for suggesting that parents should really stop and think before moving a new partner in. A divorce/separation is exceptionally difficult for children to cope with without mum/dad jamming an unknown adult into the already disrupted childhood.

Why can't they just date, why the frantic need to have another adult living with them, then of course the need to 'gift' the new partner with a baby of their own

Exactly this. We see it time and time again on MN. It always plays out in exactly the same way. It’s so depressing. I don’t get this insistence on rushing everything.

Totally agree OP. I’ve been single by choice for 11 years since my DC father left.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 04/12/2021 02:00

And we saw a shit tonne of it when lockdown started. “Oh we had to move things along faster because of lockdown”

No. No, you did not.

UserOfManyNames · 04/12/2021 02:14

It’s not not these recent cases in the news of Star and Arthur. If that ongoing case in Derbyshire where 3 innocent children lost their lives horrifically (with one being raped) doesn’t make people think twice about spending a lot of time checking out who they allow into their children’s Iives, I don’t know what would.

UserOfManyNames · 04/12/2021 02:15

It’s not only

immersivereader · 04/12/2021 02:29

Hmm, I'd say the older a person is the more likely that are to wait until the kids are older to move a new partner in.

Also, younger parents are more likely to want to still go out partying/ drinking etc which let's face it, is always a bad idea with young kids involved.

immersivereader · 04/12/2021 02:37

I probably would have split with DH during one of our many difficult periods (loss of a child, financial catastrophe, extremely challenging SN child, my MH, his general twattishness grin) it hadn’t been for the fact that I would not allow another woman or man around my DC

^

Same here. DH pisses me off sometimes but there is no way on this earth I'd want another adult as a permanent fixture in my children's lives. Not a chance.

ThousandsOfTulips · 04/12/2021 02:37

@bg92

Jesus, some people on this thread.

It has nothing to do with choice of men and picking a better partner

I will never, ever, move a man into my children's safe place and home. Ever.

BECAUSE, you don't know ANYONE - even if you think you do.

👏👏👏

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 04/12/2021 02:41

As someone who moved in with their new partner fairly quick (not by choice) I can still both sides.

How do you move in with someone not by choice?

Krabapple · 04/12/2021 04:19

The other side of the coin. If I hadn’t moved in with DH my daughter would never have had a Dad (doesn’t call him stepdad) and we would never have the amazing blended family we have now. You can’t judge everyone by some truly evil individuals. Evil individuals who can also be north parents or relatives.

Krabapple · 04/12/2021 04:19

Birth parents

malificent7 · 04/12/2021 06:04

Yes and no. I moved in with my fiance last year ( not dds dad) after 5 years together but he is the kindest, gentlest man ever. If he wasnt he would not be around dd.

malificent7 · 04/12/2021 06:17

This case is horrific but it has been used to bash single mums. In this case it was a single dad who moved his dp in. The mother was in prison....it was nowt to do with single mums at all so why are they being bashed? Disgusting.

BertieBotts · 04/12/2021 06:18

Tons of us have positive stepparent experiences both as a child and parent. (And adult observer of other families). So it's clearly not true that someone moving in is always the disaster people are handwringing about here.

Honestly I can think of several situations where the children's lives have genuinely been improved by the presence of a step parent and even step siblings or half siblings.

It's true you should be cautious and understand the risks, but not doing something at all is silly and an overreaction.

Also the reason there is often a double standard as people say is that if a mum is posting on MN about her very new boyfriend, of course she'll be told no, keep it slower, someone who pushes meeting the DC too soon is a red flag etc, that's because she has control over that and can make the decision.

If it's a mum posting about her ex's new girlfriend, that's a completely different situation. While recognising it's not an ideal scenario, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. When co-parenting separately there is really very little that you can or should actually attempt to talk to an ex partner about, especially if they are hostile (and if they are not, then presumably the poster would actually just talk to them, and not be on MN asking for advice.) That's why there is different advice. If a dad posts on MN asking about his new girlfriend he gets the same response as a mum asking about a boyfriend.

It always amazes me why people can't see this is the reason behind a "double standard". If course advice for people in a different position is different.

Hodl · 04/12/2021 06:37

An even more unpopular opinion - people need to stick to having children whilst in commited relationships (ideally marriage). And actually taking their vows seriously

Agree with this. I can't understand women who meet someone and get pregnant straight away thinking it's going to be happy families from then on.

(probably an unpopular viewpoint)

FallingStar21 · 04/12/2021 06:48

It's not really about moving in with a new partner or moving too soon though, is it?
Look at the "parents" themselves who were obviously horribly abusive pieces of * in their own right. It doesn't matter how long they waited or who they chose as a partner. Chances are they would have chosen someone similarly abusive to enable and "support" them in their evil doings.. Just as it actually happened

BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 04/12/2021 06:51

I absolutely agree and I get on my box regularly about it. I voiced my opinion on a Katie Price thread after she'd been hit and was flamed. My point, not victim blaming, was slow down, don't move in immediately especially not where there are kids concerned. Take your time getting to know someone before merging lives.

People are too quick to rush in and then wonder why it went wrong.

Nothing comes above my kids...even if it means I don't have a life.

thecrowroad · 04/12/2021 07:02

I am reading this lying next to the lovely, gentle and caring man who has been a great stepdad to my eldest for 14 years and who is similarly wonderful with our younger daughter. It makes me so sad to think that my eldest might have missed out on his great example of what a good man looks like, because some people think I should have considered myself ‘done’ in terms of a long term live-in relationship when her father left when she was 18 months old. Some people make bad choices about their relationships, often because of trauma they have already experienced. We should absolutely, as a society, be alert to this and show support by being vocal about what a positive relationship looks like and being clear that we are there to help (not judge) if things go wrong. This doesn’t mean that everyone who finds themselves a single parent should swear off ever having another partner live with them. It means being alert and building trust slowly.

JeffThePilot · 04/12/2021 07:03

@Confusedteacher

Statistically, children are more likely to be harmed by one of their own parents.

But don’t let that get in the way of using the tragic death of a little boy for some good old fashioned single-parent bashing

That isn’t generally the findings of this research, though a few years old now.

www.researchgate.net/profile/Colin-Pritchard-2/publication/278396389_Who_Kills_Children_Re-Examining_the_Evidence/links/55d33ebb08ae0a34172261fb/Who-Kills-Children-Re-Examining-the-Evidence.pdf?origin=publication_detail

It’s a fairly interesting publication though and also acknowledges that step-parents can be positive for children.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 04/12/2021 07:22

@malificent7

This case is horrific but it has been used to bash single mums. In this case it was a single dad who moved his dp in. The mother was in prison....it was nowt to do with single mums at all so why are they being bashed? Disgusting.

Well, Arthur's mum was hardly a great parent either. The poor boy never stood a chance.