To think people really need to stop letting strangers live with their children

[PuttingOnTheKitsch]

Yet another child was murdered at the hands of a parent's "partner". There have been many, many cases of this happening, Daniel Pelka, Peter Connelley, Kyra Ishaq, the list is endless.

Yet, there will still be women on here, letting some random man move in with them and their child within six weeks and saying "Am I not allowed to have a life!?" if anyone points out that's a bad idea.

Men are just as bad, the step-parent's board was full of blokes who would dump their children on whichever woman they were seeing, while they carried on with their lives and the step mum would come on here and seethe at the poor behaviour of the children instead of understanding how distressing it must be for a young child to have a dad who foists you off on anyone.

Nobody died from not having a live-in partner.

If we truly want things to change, rather than shaking our fists at social workers, we need to look at ourselves as a wider society and stop expecting different results from the same poor behaviour.

@Confusedteacher

Statistically, children are more likely to be harmed by one of their own parents.

But don’t let that get in the way of using the tragic death of a little boy for some good old fashioned single-parent bashing

Here-here!

I don’t think Tustin should ever be described as a stepmother. She was a girlfriend.

Chaotic disordered lives produce risk. Moving in with someone you barely know, increases risk. Tustin had already had 2 children removed. Children pay the price.

I find your post distasteful. Its point scoring.
The father was guilty too.

In my case my exdh was abusive and their stepfather is their real dad. If I'd stayed single they would have never had a male role model.

I agree with OP
Moving a new partner in with your children needs to be seen as a risk and to be much more disapproved of than it is now.
Not that no-one should ever do it. Not that many step dads aren't a positive but those stats speak for themselves
A child living with a stepfather is 10x more likely to be abused. That's a significant risk of harm and that's without those who aren't as such abused but are just unhappy.
It is a risk to your child's welfare to move a new partner in and you need to be aware that it is a risk and assess it carefully and your family and friends need to ask questions about that decision and keep an eye out.
When you have a child then you can't just make decisions on what makes you happy you have a child whose welfare has to come first.

However you don't hear about the times it works, the times the parents are responsible. We repeatedly have surprised looks when people find out DP is not DC's biological father. I was very careful to wait until well after 18 months of the relationship and 3 years of knowing him before he met DC. I had quite literally (because there was a professional connection) seen DP's DBS. We just quietly tick along. We have boundaries and systems. We co parent very well with Exdh. As I say the majority of the time it's a surprise to people if they hear DC call DP by his first name and they click.
@Nietzschethehiker but this is entirely the OP's point. You spent 18 months getting to know him before even making an introduction so he was far from a stranger. The OP specifically referred to strangers being moved in after six weeks, which is not what you have done.

Contrast that with the women and men moving in a new partner after in some cases as little as three weeks, and worse sometimes leaving them in sole charge of another man's child.

Grace Thorpe was her name. Both such tragedies - RIP both of them xx

@LexMitior

I think the point is that many parents are not protective of their children to start with. You find people commonly who do not like their own children too much and therefore are not so worried if they are victimised, or they actually ignore their kids saying they are mistreated by their partner.

The last issue is very common, mothers not believing their children, and declaring them wicked etc. The man works on the mother and eventually they get them to mistreat and abuse their own children. And it goes the other way. A neglectful parent can become a directly, abusive one with a controlling partner.

This is a very good point. So many cases start from a previously just about adequate parent is told they are "too soft" by a new partner who doesn't want the children around and things can swiftly deteriorate from there.

I agree but lots of people should never be parents in the first place.

My boyfriend of six months hasn’t met my kids and nor do I intend him to for some time. No plans to live together - then again we work together so we aren’t short on time together!

But that’s what works for me - I think it’s pretty ridiculous to say someone should never move a person in who they love on the almost negligible chance they turn out to be a child abuser.

I say that as someone sexually abused by my stepfather!

This just feels like another stick to beat single women with TBH.

@PicsInRed

I agree. I also think any hostility from a step parent towards either child or the child's other parent should be seen as a safeguarding concern in child proceedings.

So even if a former partner is being a total dick, the step parent has to kiss arse or it’s a safeguarding concern

@Thefrenchconnection1

What about the step dad's that step up and enrich a child's life?

According to MN world they’re probably only doing it as a rouse to abuse the children

It's vile that parents will abuse or allow their partners to abuse their kids for the sake of a shag. The one that really got me a while back was the poor little boy sat on the floor between his mums legs in the car and her boyfriend pushed his seat back. She sat there and let her son be crushed to death. I hate them both with every fibre of my being. I can't imagine ever letting anyone hurt a hair on my boys head. Lock them up and throw away the key, let them rot.

I agree

Far more abuse is from a step parent (usually step father)

Some just have to be in a relationship regardless how damaging the relationship is for their child/children

Many parents are incredibly selfish not all mothers/fathers put their children’s needs first

I posted on here about my DH introducing my DD's to his new girlfriend of 10 weeks recently. This was following another relationship he had where he moved her in very soon after our separation. I hadn't spoken to DH about it and I simply wrote in my post that I had concerns that it was too soon. I had my arse handed to me, was called names, told I was clearly still hung up on DH and wasn't ready to see him move on and that it was none of my business. Says it all really. Some parents just don't care!

I have read many times on here that when your children are with their father it’s none of your business who your children are with

It is always my business until my son is an adult. I insisted on meeting the ex girlfriend he was little and and the girlfriend was about to spend weekends with him

MN is ridiculous at times

I suspect that there are often financial reasons. It's hard to get by as a single parent. Sometimes people think in the very short term

All the high profile cases have involved a step-parent.

They may be high profile because it's more unusual rather than because it's more likely. High profile doesn't mean common, and might be the reverse.

My DP and I don't live together. Yes, I know, I'm not really his DP I'm just his girlfriend. Except when you're both about 50 the whole notion of boy/ girl is ridiculous and besides which we are partners. We don't live together partly because he has a daughter who is with him full-time. We won't move in together any time soon not because he feels I'm a threat to his child - if he thought that I wouldn't be there at all. But we're both realistic. Much as we love each other we know not many relationships stand the test of time and it would be incredibly disruptive for the child to have me around and then have me disappear.

Contrast with her actual mother who takes her on dates to meet men she barely knows herself. I can tell when the mother's relationships are going wrong because of the way my partner's daughter then acts towards me. It makes her feel so insecure when her mother once again puts her through the turmoil of being introduced to someone who then leaves that I get it in the neck. This is the point where DP and I then have to work really hard to make the child feel more secure.

In our case, it's the birth mother being feckless, irresponsible and borderline abusive. But I think having me around actually helps my DP's daughter. I can listen to her and understand some things he just doesn't get. She can see how we care for each other and respect each other.

The problem for Arthur I think wasn't a step parent per se - it was the fact that the adults around him let him down so badly in multiple ways. There's an outpouring of love for him now, but I cannot help but think, where were all these people when it could have made a difference to him?

birth mother

What a vile term to use to describe the actual mother.

@PicsInRed I'm just using it to distinguish particular situations. In some case the step parent is an issue, in others it's the actual parent. Apologies for any offence. It's late, I'm going to bed before I randomly piss off anyone else.

[quote BertramLacey]@PicsInRed I'm just using it to distinguish particular situations. In some case the step parent is an issue, in others it's the actual parent. Apologies for any offence. It's late, I'm going to bed before I randomly piss off anyone else.[/quote]
In that case, the word you're looking for is "mother".

Haven’t read the thread but I am in such strong agreement with you and am often preaching this on the ‘should I leave my perfectly lovely husband because I don’t fancy him anymore?’ threads.

And no before anyone starts I’m not saying women should stay with abusers but often too quick to jump ship and end up with god knows who.

It really beggars belief how far people will go.

I know someone who survived being sex trafficked as a child.

She has spoken very openly about the women who would be present before/during lockdown heir partner’s booking.

They would dress her in their own children’s clothes, request wigs or hair/makeup designed to make her look like their own children. Sometimes this child would be the guy’s biological child, sometimes a step-child.

So basically their partner could have the “experience” of fucking their child, without their child being fucked.

They we’re so desperate not to lose their partner, they would participate in child sex trafficking, so they could still see themselves as protecting their own child from sexual abuse.

I remember a post on here fairly recently where it was just so blindingly obvious the OP wanted to move new partner in for financial reasons (something to do with a bigger house I’m sure) and kept trying to convince the people replying that it was doing him a massive favour as well and it was good for the children to be able to have nice things or words to this effect.

This is the kind of stuff that is problematic. Unless you’re a really strong woman I think it would be all to easy to end up with a man moving in quicker than is sensible just to make life easier. Just to have someone to pop to the shop for milk at 11pm or to split the bills with.

No one is saying that people shouldn’t move on and have another relationship ever. It’s the speed that that these things end up moving at that’s the problem. And as others have pointed out the women who are doing this are probably women who could do with some support otherwise they wouldn’t want to do this so I do understand that the issues are deeper rooted.

Fizz in Corrie is at it now.

I have read many times on here that when your children are with their father it’s none of your business who your children are with

Yes I always find that intensely irritating. Who my children are with is ALWAYS my business. Particularly as their mother as I am the person who has their interests at heart more than anyone else in this world. As is the case with the majority of mothers IME. My husband (their father) and I are together, he's a good dad but he's much more lax than I am. I learnt in their infancy that their safety really rests on my shoulders and mine alone.

My DH has a stepmother and stepfather. Well I say stepfather but they're not married but have been together 40+ years. Both of them are great people and my DH is very fond of both of them. This is the other side of the picture.