To be upset by piano teacher comments

[FlibberdyGibbett]

My 10 year old son ‘Josh’ has been having piano lessons for six weeks and I have received this text from his teacher.

“Josh seems to be struggling in his lessons. He complains his fingers are tired even after we have just started the lesson. This morning he told me he has been doing too much writing in class beforehand. He seems to talk a lot and doesn’t seem particularly interested. He tells me he practises on his iPad?? I’m not sure the piano is right for Josh, maybe consider a different instrument next term.”

AIBU to feel upset and my son is being unsupported?

I think the piano teacher was actually thinking of you here. If your DS isn't interested and won't practise then she's trying to help you avoid wasting any more money. I started learning the clarinet at school and managed 1 term before my teacher said he didn't think & should continue & that I ought to consider switching to a different instrument. Sometimes things just don't work out how you'd hoped or imagined they would. I switched to learning the piano and got on much better with that.

The idea of sitting down at a piano and playing is very attractive but the truth is learning to play the piano is mainly slog: it requires lots and lots of practise to get to even a fairly bog standard level.

If he hasn't had a piano at home for the first six weeks of lesson then he wouldn't have had the opportunity to make much progress at all, which might have been one reason he's lost interest, but frankly he sounds as if he really isn't interested anyway.

I think the teacher is being very fair in telling you at this stage rather than carrying on taking your money.

@AmyDudley

If he is this early on in his learning and showing signs of lack of interest, I would guess he's not going to get more interested - usually there is a first flush of enthusiasm for a new hobby, then it may tail off later.

I have two grown up children - both had piano lessons as children. DD never had to be asked to practice, she would dash to the piano as soon as she got in from school - she loved it, went on to do a music degree and is now a professional pianist.

DS never wanted to practice, found the lessons dull and basically was not interested, so I let him choose something else - he chose drama classes and singing lessons both of which he loved and kept up and he's now very involved in local theatre. Its a huge thing in his life.

Piano lessons or music lessons of any kind are not compulsory they are a choice - some people will love them, some people love other things.

I think people get a bit hung up on wanting their children to learn music with the idea it is a lovely thing to be able to play an instrument. Of course it is - but so are lots of other things and there's just as much joy to be got out of horse riding or dancing or pole vaulting or whatever. He might like a different instrument, but he might prefer to do something entirely different.

i think its good of your teacher to suggest he tries something else - she will have enough experience to know when a child is not interested - she doesn't want you wasting your money. And of course you were charged for lessons you missed - otherwise she'd be out of pocket.

This is a brilliant post!

She should have phoned you. Very poor practice to send a cold email.

She sounded very diplomatic actually. She has probably had enough experience to know if a kid is going to keep at it or not.
Do you not have a keyboard now? How is he practising? If you have to constantly remind him to you are wasting your voice and money and his and the teachers time.

Tbh I'd be more annoyed with my son if I got this message?? I don't really see what the teacher has done wrong here.

I'd be sitting DS down and asking whether he really wants to learn the piano as his teacher has mentioned he isn't trying or even really concentrating. Ask him why he's saying his hands are tired straight away?? No problem if he wants to give up but he should say now as you are spending a lot of money on this.

IMO, YABU to feel upset. YABU to feel your son is unsupported. YABU to feel a call would have been kinder.

If he were interested then I doubt tired fingers would stop him. If he plays games ona tablet or console, does he stop after a few minutes and complaint about tired fingers after writing?

Ten years old is arguably old enough to try harder.

The piano teacher is giving you feedback. You don't seem to have the mindset to take it on board. You might benefit from developing this if you want to help him as he grows.

They haven't said they haven't taught your son, just reported what he said and given some advice based on their experience. In what way is this aligned with feeling unsupported?

Carrying lessons over is not routine, IME, for good quality music teachers.

You can get the piano and encourage him, try and make it fun to practice at home or make clear your expectations of him and treat it as a developmental step for him becoming more resilient and developing perseverance. It sounds like you have a professional music teacher rather than a fun activity provider. They are invaluable professionals but you might need to do your part rather than expect cuddling.

FWIW, IME many people prefer such feedback remotely and some would complain at being embarrassed by being told this face to face or by telephone.

’She is doing you a favour by being honest, and advising you not to waste your money. Without your DS really wanting to learn, he is not going to justify the cost of lessons.’

This ^

After forking out for violin lessons for ds2 - I think it was at least a year - and a violin, which never saw the light of day at home, despite our encouragement, we received a report including the cutting, but accurate, observation ‘he might make more progress, if he practised between lessons’! That heralded the end of his (not inexpensive) tuition, I’m afraid.

I think that’s a fair email.

How is he supposed to practice without a piano? A keyboard or an iPad isn’t the same

we are struggling a bit financially- I realise this is not her problem.
Correct it is not her problem and she should be paid for her time.

Harsh to hear but...What she is clearly telling you is that your son is disengaged whiney and badly behaved in her lessons - she is doing you a favour IMO as she is trying to save you time effort and money.

Given your financial situation and his lack of interest do you not think it might be worth stopping lessons?

You’re lucky that she’s being so honest. She could just keep taking your money for years! 😉

She sounds honest, not rude. I would appreciate that rather than feeling slighted/

My DS got piano lessons, he wasn't interested. He then got drum lessons, he didn't get on with his teacher, he then got guitar lessons but again wasn't interested. Thankfully all of these instruments were lying around the house (apart from the drums which I got second hand and sold on for same price). Sometimes they are just not interested and the teacher is being professional in telling you so. You are wasting her time, his time and your money. Don't fall for the 'every child must do an instrument' tick box on the parenting journey.

FWIW my son has grown up a bit, bought his own electric drum kit with his own wages and has done a better job teaching himself from youtube. He enjoys it now rather than endures it.

The teacher sounds honest and professional to me.

I think the professional thing for the teacher to do would be to speak to you in person or on the phone. It would surely be quite natural to review after some weeks so this should have been discussed at the outset.

The tone of the text is rather to the point. The comments might be true but I would have worded it differently.

As a teacher I’d want to work out whether the child really was uninterested or whether they lacked confidence and so were making excuses. This teacher seems to have made up her mind already but has done nothing to manage the expectations of the parent so I’m not surprised at the reaction it provoked.

On the plus side OP, at least she isn’t in it just to take your money.

See what your son says.

Josh does not want to play piano

His fingers will be tired after a few minutes as he isn't practising the movement. It also sounds as if the teacher doesn't realise that he doesn't have a piano to practice on and when he says he's practicing on the iPad it's because it's what you have.
If you are getting a keyboard make sure it has weighted keys like a piano or he won't be using the same muscles and his fingers will still get tired.
Talk to him. If he is still keen ask the teacher to wait another term before making a final recommendation, but get him a piano or weighted key instrument to practice on. He should be doing a solid 10 mins (at least) every day to get his strength up as it is an unnatural position to begin with.

YABU. She is being honest and trying to save you from wasting money.

YABVVU to think that she should rearrange lessons he missed through illness.

Op, did you ever learn a musical instrument? Do you remember how tough and tedious the early days are? Did you son has a few trial sessions before trying to learn? I think I would have bought a cheapish keyboard first and see how much he was interested in it before booking lessons.

By the way, please stop with this idea that you have to learn anything while you're young or it isn't worth it. Sure, you may not become a concert pianist if you wait until you're 30 but to be honest, not many people will be if they start at 5 either!

I started learning guitar in my 30s. Many start learning an instrument when they are older. It is FUN. You have your whole life to do stuff.

@AdmiralCain

I had piano lessons for 4 years, I can site read Middle C sheet music, I never made it past grade 1, I wish Mrs. Denton had wrote my parents a letter and just Admiralcain is shit, stop wasting your money now. I know it hurts to hear your kid isn't good at something but sometimes that's the truth.

Do you live in a town starting with S in the SW? Mrs Denton also taught violin? @AdmiralCain

Honestly as a piano teacher this thread has made me quite cross and you wouldn't like my reply so I'm saying nothing.

I teach piano. No one starts lessons until they have something to practise on at home.

To be honest every single pupil of mine has been enthusiastic at the outset. First few weeks/months are honeymoon period for learning piano!

In my experience it's an instrument that requires determination and at least some practice in between lessons. It is much harder to learn the piano than many of the single line instruments which provide challenges of their own to get a decent sound but lesser music reading skills and fewer coordination issues.

I don't teach any kids who aren't excited about learning. Unfortunately piano falls into the category of something that parents want their kids to learn as it's the done thing but I weed these ones out at the trial lesson.

I think the email put it quite kindly. The lessons are a waste of time and money. Soul destroying for all concerned. It perhaps came as a shock to him to discover what is really involved in learning to play if this is the first instrument he has tried. You could give the lessons a break for now and try online learning with the keyboard.

Honest and professional response. If anything she's doing you a favour by saving you money on something he's not interested in, or making any progress in.
Also absolutely you should pay for missed lessons, she's out of pocket through no fault of her own. If you are struggling financially, maybe stop paying for him to have lessons when he clearly doesn't want to. The teacher could easily keep quiet, and take your money. Listen to what she's saying.

The text is fine. Maybe your DS didn't realise what was actually involved. My DD always wanted to learn the piano...until she had to practice that is. She loved the idea, she loved the lessons, but not the reality of practicing on her own. Teacher is giving you an out here - take it!