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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by piano teacher comments

413 replies

FlibberdyGibbett · 02/12/2021 15:14

My 10 year old son ‘Josh’ has been having piano lessons for six weeks and I have received this text from his teacher.

“Josh seems to be struggling in his lessons. He complains his fingers are tired even after we have just started the lesson. This morning he told me he has been doing too much writing in class beforehand. He seems to talk a lot and doesn’t seem particularly interested. He tells me he practises on his iPad?? I’m not sure the piano is right for Josh, maybe consider a different instrument next term.”

AIBU to feel upset and my son is being unsupported?

OP posts:
Dindundundundeeer · 02/12/2021 22:20

@Saker

I also think the violin is a much less rewarding instrument than the piano at the beginning because it will sound out of tune and scratchy and it can be quite demoralising.

I think many children give up musical instruments quite quickly because they are hard to learn and you do need to practise. I think you need to sit with your son while he is practising, even if you are not able to help a great deal, just being there and listening makes a big diffference. Very few children can be motivated enough to go off by themselves and keep practising an instrument. I took up knitting to give me something to do while I was sitting with my son when he learned the piano. There were definitely times when he was less keen and needed encouraging, but now he is so happy he can play and is at music college so it was worth it.

I think this is really important. I have stayed with my DD for every practice for the last 10 years. It’s a big commitment
Cornishclio · 02/12/2021 22:22

He needs an acoustic piano really rather than a keyboard. The keys feel different.

CaputApriDefero · 02/12/2021 22:23

I do wish my daughter's piano teacher had said this rather than letting me spend thousands for her never to even be entered for a grading.

MusicTeacherSussex · 02/12/2021 22:25

Epic answer

Arren12 · 02/12/2021 22:25

@SukiPook could you recommend a keyboard that would be acceptable as a temporary measure till I know my daughter is serious about learning.

Could you perhaps link one?

Thanks

HaaaaaveyoumetTed · 02/12/2021 22:27

[quote Arren12]@SukiPook could you recommend a keyboard that would be acceptable as a temporary measure till I know my daughter is serious about learning.

Could you perhaps link one?

Thanks[/quote]
Honestly, a free piano off market place plus £40 for a man and van is probably cheaper than a good enough keyboard!

Arren12 · 02/12/2021 22:29

Its all well and good people saying they need a piano before lessons but normal folks can't just shell out for one until they know their child us going to continue or be any good. Imagine if op had bought one and 6 weeks in had the text. Is it not ok for children to try it out first for a few lessons.

MyFamiIyAndOtherAnimals · 02/12/2021 22:32

Well op I’d be mortified if my kids were so rude and disinterested

Maybe start there rather than moaning about the teacher

Arren12 · 02/12/2021 22:32

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed but how much do they cost to tune.

I need to know my daughter will keep this up before I make space for a piano. She really wants to learn but im actually going to tell her no unfortunately because we can't make space for a piano until I know she's committed, we have a small home. After this thread I realized we probably don't have enough money for her to learn. Shame

Arren12 · 02/12/2021 22:37

We can afford tuition just but this would only be school lessons sorry I should have said that above.

We are limited for space so can't get a piano straight away like I mentioned above. I would definitely commit to making space if she showed commitment and promise.

It was a nice thought as I do think she would be good but its not the end of the world.

She has her art. Shes actually a talented drawer and artist as a consequence of her autism.

I just wanted her to have the opportunity to try piano because she needs the outlet as she's not well at the moment and I can see it helps her to have an outlet she enjoys.

This thread has massively put me off or made me see sense. Such is life

SlavineRichter · 02/12/2021 22:38

@Saker

I also think the violin is a much less rewarding instrument than the piano at the beginning because it will sound out of tune and scratchy and it can be quite demoralising.

I think many children give up musical instruments quite quickly because they are hard to learn and you do need to practise. I think you need to sit with your son while he is practising, even if you are not able to help a great deal, just being there and listening makes a big diffference. Very few children can be motivated enough to go off by themselves and keep practising an instrument. I took up knitting to give me something to do while I was sitting with my son when he learned the piano. There were definitely times when he was less keen and needed encouraging, but now he is so happy he can play and is at music college so it was worth it.

Agreed!
CaribouCarafe · 02/12/2021 22:42

@Arren12 I think a good thing to do is to treat the piano as something that is planned to work out. Set up your space so playing the piano seems enticing and easy to do. If it doesn't work out then you can resell it for approximately the same cost as you bought it for (assuming you buy one cheap to begin with).

SlavineRichter · 02/12/2021 22:43

@Arren12

Its all well and good people saying they need a piano before lessons but normal folks can't just shell out for one until they know their child us going to continue or be any good. Imagine if op had bought one and 6 weeks in had the text. Is it not ok for children to try it out first for a few lessons.
Would also add that there is not necessarily much "shelling out" involved in pianos. You can get one on Freecycle quite easily in most cities. It won't be a Steinway, but will probably be perfectly serviceable. Ditto Facebook Marketplace, and local auction houses. There are loads of people who have inherited pianos, have bought them and they/their children have given up etc. The main thing, if you're going to buy/be given one is to have it tried out by someone who knows what they are doing (piano teachers are ideal for this, though you can expect to pay them for their time - or, obviously, family or friends who are decent pianists could just as well do it). It costs around £100-200 to move a piano, and around £100 to have one tuned. Mine is tuned annually.

The problem with trying it out for a few lessons when you don't have a piano at home is that you have no idea whether or not your child will do the practice or actually enjoy it. A complete beginner would need to be doing 5-10 mins practice per day.

TractorAndHeadphones · 02/12/2021 22:43

OP - why does he want to learn to play?
My mother forced me to learn the piano - I persevered wasn’t really the best but there was a moment where it clicked and I wanted to practice. I loved the way it made me feel, I can’t explain it. Every note, every touch every tone.

Many kids want an instrument because it looks cool but they haven’t really been awakened yet. Try letting your son get a feel for music first

CaribouCarafe · 02/12/2021 22:45

Just to add to the above, for 2 of my students the piano was set up in the parents bedroom. In one house it was set up in the hallway. I've also seen some creative living room configurations to make it work (involving wheels)!

SlavineRichter · 02/12/2021 22:47

@Arren12

We can afford tuition just but this would only be school lessons sorry I should have said that above.

We are limited for space so can't get a piano straight away like I mentioned above. I would definitely commit to making space if she showed commitment and promise.

It was a nice thought as I do think she would be good but its not the end of the world.

She has her art. Shes actually a talented drawer and artist as a consequence of her autism.

I just wanted her to have the opportunity to try piano because she needs the outlet as she's not well at the moment and I can see it helps her to have an outlet she enjoys.

This thread has massively put me off or made me see sense. Such is life

I honestly wouldn't just give up, @Arren12 I'm drastically limited for space, and my entire sitting room is taken up by a piano. But a small upright wouldn't take a huge amount of space, and it would give your DD chance to play around a bit with it and you could see if her interest persists. If it didn't, you could re-sell it/give it away. The main thing would be not to spend a fortune in the first place, as you're not sure.
TatianaBis · 02/12/2021 22:52

@Arren12

Do you know anyone whose piano she could practice on for the first few weeks?

As she’s keen it’s worth looking around for someone good rather than taking pot luck with whoever happens to teach at school. She’s much more likely to enjoy and progress if you find someone good.

MyDogLovesBiscuits · 02/12/2021 22:52

Don't know if it's been mentioned at all as I've only read OP replies for the most part but, you don't have to be a fully qualified teacher to be able to teach music well.

I know a few musicians who are very good at what they do and know all the technical stuff as they were properly trained in music schools who teach as spare income. Their students normally do very well from what I understand.

At that age learning new things sounds really exciting till you actually start doing it. Then they realise that it is harder than expected and sore for the guitar or violin because you need to build up callouses. I did have a little lol at thinking violin would be the easier instrument to play, sorry!

It actually sounds like he isn't really that interested in learning to play an instrument as much as it sounds like a vague it would be nice if I could play kind of sentiment.

If you are struggling financially I would kindly suggest you park the music lessons for now, they really are only worth it if your child is committed to them off their own back. If you or the teacher are having to keep pulling their attention back to leaning it's obviously not for him.

Also if he is participating in a group lesson and he is chatting instead of paying attention or playing, I expect it is disrupting the other child who shares the lesson time too. That's not really very fair to anyone IMO, your boy wants to be doing something else, the teacher wants to spend her time on children who actively want to learn and the other child wants to learn Piano not talk about iPads or whatever the topic of the week is.

Beachbreak2411 · 02/12/2021 22:58

6 weeks is a fairly long time in a kids life. If he’s practising on an iPad 🤔 why sign him up if you can’t provide the instrument? My dd had violin lessons for 3 years and she decided it wasn’t for her.. she’s just started flute and absolutely adores it, practises every night and would never say her hands hurt (even when they do!) she does strengthening exercises to help her play. Your sons teacher sounds totally reasonable not wanting to waste your money and her time on a child who isn’t interested and parents who haven’t got him something to practise on!

spottybananar · 02/12/2021 22:59

I was a piano teacher before stopping a few years ago. I actually stopped because too many parents these days came into two categories/ the prospective Beethoven's. It didn't matter how bad their dc were at the piano (and yes you can just be bad unfortunately) they expected their dc to be the best at piano regardless.
And the second category, the annoying parents who insisted their dc should keep trying.

It really is not a skill that you desperately need to have. It should always be a skill you want to have. A good piano teacher in my humble opinion will be honest and say if piano just isn't for you/your dc. We know pretty much by lesson 2 if you've got a natural aptitude and by lesson 6 if the dc is constantly moaning or unhappy forget it, it's a painful experience on both sides.

No one failed anywhere, the right thing to do is either try another teacher if you really believe the next Beethoven is in your dc or listen and try another hobby.
Think about it, it's not exactly in the piano teachers interests to point out you need to stop paying them.
I taught for nearly two decades and over that time parents went from being respectful, to extremely demanding. I don't know why but it was definitely a trend and not a good one. You're better off finding something your dc absolutely loves and can't wait to turn up for, you'll all be a lot happier.

milkyaqua · 02/12/2021 23:04

@FlibberdyGibbett

Not sure why so many people are assuming I’m pushing my child into learning a musical (piano or violin)? We talked earlier and it’s what HE wants!! Why shouldn’t he have an opportunity?
Oh my god. It's what he says he wants. Her very kind email suggests strongly the facts are otherwise.

I'll give you a free tip: he doesn't want to learn the violin either.

If his fingers are 'too tired' to engage in piano lessons, then there is no way his fingers, his concentration, or his intention will manage with the far more strenuous learning of the violin.

CMeredithC · 02/12/2021 23:06

@Arren12 don’t give up. This thread might seem quite negative, but it’s also been a space where many parents who have seen their children through decades of music lessons, have shared their views on how time- and resource-consuming it all is.

The music education system in the UK is flawed, to start with, and it’s perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed when reading how difficult or expensive it could be to start.

I do not believe every child needs to own an instrument before starting lessons. What they need is access to one regularly, so there can be practice between the lessons, which will give a much better idea about the child’s potential on that instrument.

I didn’t have an instrument at the beginning, I practised at school and later on at music school. Then we rented an instrument for a year. If you have a music service or hub in your county, they might rent the practice rooms during the week, or have recommendations about churches who might let you go in, eg for 15 mins each day on the way back from school, to practise a bit on their piano or keyboard.

There are ways around it. Or there should be ways around it. Music remains an elitist hobby in the UK but this shouldn’t put anyone off giving their child the opportunity. If you’re happy to encourage your daughter and give this a try, there are ways around it that don’t involve spending thousands on instruments just yet.

In the country I come from, music education is free for everybody, up until the age of 18. Each little village and town has a (national curriculum-regulated) music school where young kids start, and at about 12 they all move up to the closest city or large town. There are between 6 and 16 hours of tuition a week, according to the level, and it’s all paid by the state, free for everybody. Kids practise there and it’s not unusual to see them leave the music school at about 9pm on half the weekdays, because it’s their space and they’re encouraged to spend as much time as they want there.

My mum was a part-time cleaner, and I’ve become a professional musician thanks to an amazing system that gives all kids equal opportunity. I so wish the UK - and all other countries - will adopt such a system soon. I so wish this will happen during my lifetime. Not just music, but arts and sports and everything kids should have access to, regardless of their parents’ income.

So don’t give up. Give it a go, see if your daughter likes it, take it one step at a time. It doesn’t have to be expensive, although I guess it will always be a daunting world, this music one!

Dimondsareforever · 02/12/2021 23:08

Hurrah! A teacher being honest rather than taking your money. Move onto something he is interested in. If he is not interested in 6 weeks then what are you expecting??
Or would you rather she say nothing, take your money and your child take no interest and no progress?

BertramLacey · 02/12/2021 23:08

Just to add to the above, for 2 of my students the piano was set up in the parents bedroom. In one house it was set up in the hallway. I've also seen some creative living room configurations to make it work (involving wheels)!

My OH got rid of a sofa to accommodate a piano Grin. Tbh the piano looks nicer than the grotty old sofa and the piano stool is more comfortable than it was, so it was a bit of a win really. Plus there is another sofa.

Dancingonmoonlight · 02/12/2021 23:30

I'd thank a piano teacher who said this to me. One of my children insists they want to learn. Four years later and still hasn't managed Grade 1. I feel like I'm throwing money away every term. I've pleaded with DC to quit but DC is insistent they want to play. Not helped by the current piano teacher praising them.

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