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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset by piano teacher comments

413 replies

FlibberdyGibbett · 02/12/2021 15:14

My 10 year old son ‘Josh’ has been having piano lessons for six weeks and I have received this text from his teacher.

“Josh seems to be struggling in his lessons. He complains his fingers are tired even after we have just started the lesson. This morning he told me he has been doing too much writing in class beforehand. He seems to talk a lot and doesn’t seem particularly interested. He tells me he practises on his iPad?? I’m not sure the piano is right for Josh, maybe consider a different instrument next term.”

AIBU to feel upset and my son is being unsupported?

OP posts:
Meadowbreeze · 02/12/2021 21:18

@FlibberdyGibbett
I just want to say, I do think some of these posters are being a little mean. I do not agree that 10 is too late. Everyone deserves to get a chance to at least try. I think the trouble is you are coming across as undermining the true extent of time and energy that these things require. It is really not a case of just switching from piano to violin. It will be impossible for your son to learn violin on a violin that's too small or too big. Violin is very very difficult. More difficult than the piano. However it is a much more social instrument, your son could quickly join beginner ensembles and if you have the wrong size, it is much easier and cheaper to get one than the piano.
Music tuition is very expensive and it takes a very long time to be good enough to enjoy playing. It is not like going to try out a football sessions or a swimming class.
I apologize if I'm assuming wrong, but it doesn't sound like you had an opportunity to play yourself and would like your son to?
I would try to take the snobby comments with a pinch of salt, but the rest of what the posters are saying, in terms of committment and difficulty is very very true. You will find most freelance teachers in the arts, from ballet to instruments, are very protective of their art and are often very strict and will come across as blunt. Its probably better to get used to that than get offended. They mean well and just want your son to improve. There is a lot of competitiveness and snobbery too, but that's the case with most things. It sounds like you'd like your son to have an opportunity to try something.
If you have a local music service, I would see if they have an orchestra session your son could go to. This is what my mum did with my sister. She took her and asked the conductor if she could have a look at all the instruments. She went to a couple of their rehearsals and decided she really wanted to learn.....the bossoon. So OP, I applaud you for trying, I think if violin is the one, he will do it if he loves it, but do try and get on touch with the music service, they're some fantastic people that would love to help.

BiscuitLover3679 · 02/12/2021 21:20

She does sound a bit dismissive but is perhaps fed up. Agreed a call would be good. Maybe ask for a chat?

Saker · 02/12/2021 21:21

I also think the violin is a much less rewarding instrument than the piano at the beginning because it will sound out of tune and scratchy and it can be quite demoralising.

I think many children give up musical instruments quite quickly because they are hard to learn and you do need to practise. I think you need to sit with your son while he is practising, even if you are not able to help a great deal, just being there and listening makes a big diffference. Very few children can be motivated enough to go off by themselves and keep practising an instrument. I took up knitting to give me something to do while I was sitting with my son when he learned the piano. There were definitely times when he was less keen and needed encouraging, but now he is so happy he can play and is at music college so it was worth it.

BridStar · 02/12/2021 21:22

@FlibberdyGibbett

My 10 year old son ‘Josh’ has been having piano lessons for six weeks and I have received this text from his teacher.

“Josh seems to be struggling in his lessons. He complains his fingers are tired even after we have just started the lesson. This morning he told me he has been doing too much writing in class beforehand. He seems to talk a lot and doesn’t seem particularly interested. He tells me he practises on his iPad?? I’m not sure the piano is right for Josh, maybe consider a different instrument next term.”

AIBU to feel upset and my son is being unsupported?

Typical. Instead of telling your rude child to stop talking in lessons, ruining it for the other children, and whinging his 'hands are tired', you immediately blame the teacher. He's clearly being a disruptive nuisance. She's under no obligation to teach him.

If he hasn't got a piano to practise on no wonder he cannot maintain interest. Perhaps a little less iPad in his life would fix his attention span.

esloquehay · 02/12/2021 21:23

I'd put money on little Joshy not lasting 'til Lesson 6 of violin playing...

Arethechildreninbedyet · 02/12/2021 21:24

Stop lessons for now. If he says hes still interested get him the second hand keyboard, see if he has any interested in practicing alone and if he does restart lessons.

If he doesn’t resell the keyboard and look for a new hobby.

ManicPixie · 02/12/2021 21:26

YABU. “Tired fingers” is a pretty lame excuse. After 6 lessons it must be pretty obvious he’s not interested.

Frazzled2207 · 02/12/2021 21:27

Does he realise that it will take several years to get to a decent standard on a violin? It really is very hard and extremely technical
At least with piano you can do simple tunes quite early on.

ZenNudist · 02/12/2021 21:31

The diploma means she is already very accomplished and is getting a further qualification.

As a parent who has pushed her dc to play both of the instruments you talk about I'd advise not giving up on piano in favour of violin. Violin is very hard and really will hurt compared to piano which does not hurt. Piano is easy to get a sound out of at the right note. Violin you need good pitch to make sure you are putting fingers on the right notes.

A clarinet or brass instrument could be better. Personally I'd stick with piano but work with him to practice. I help my dc otherwise we'd get nowhere.

School lessons aren't great no matter how good the teacher. You need a proper 30min private lesson weekly AND regular practice to progress. I've now spent the last 5-6 years insisting on music practice every week day when they get home from school. It's murder. I have Y6 ds1 who is not that interested but plays piano well and Y3 ds2 who plays both piano and violin, is musical and has talent but is not that interested, would much rather be gaming!

Music lessons are hard and expensive. You might be better putting time money and energy into something else.

If you are hard up money would be better spent elsewhere. We buy sheet music, exam entry, new violin as ds moved up a size.

I'd like them to do stage school, martial arts and horse riding but we haven't got time.

RoastPotatoQueen · 02/12/2021 21:33

YABU, it's obvious he's not interested. Does he even want to learn or is this something your pushing onto him?

walnutfalling · 02/12/2021 21:37

Some of these replies are making me so sad!

It does not matter how "musical" the child is, if they want to learn, facilitate that, it will enhance their life. Music is 95 pc perspiration, like anything else. A child who can follow instructions and practice as required will be fine at the piano. Let him do it at his own pace. Re the violin you just don't know until you try, and if you find a teacher who will start him on colourstrings all the better - it is a method which concentrates on technique and sound before reading music and children can sound pretty good in their first year.

OP please just ignore people trying to put you off. If your dc wants to learn, encourage it and ask the teacher what you need to do to help him. It is worth the effort as long as it is what your dc wants.

Blimey, some of these replies are off!

walnutfalling · 02/12/2021 21:42

Ooops I didn't read one of the updates, sorry! He has decided to give up the piano. I agree with others, the violin is harder.

OP your violin might not be okay, wrong size, not a good sound, but no doubt the teacher will advise you.

There are definitely easier instruments than the violin and piano so if violin doesn't work out, I am sure you will find something!

BertramLacey · 02/12/2021 21:43

I really hope not. Violins and recorders are the worst.

Recorders just get overblown by small children. They're just a type of flute and people like flutes.

OP I'm going to put this in basic terms which I'm sure purists will disagree with, but hopefully it will make sense:

Recorders are easy to learn on. If you put your fingers over the holes correctly and don't blow too hard you'll get the note you're supposed to get. You can't play a chord on them, you just play one note at a time.

Pianos are harder because there's a lot more to reading the music. You can play chords which just ups the difficulty level. But at least if you play middle C you'll get middle C, so long as the piano is tuned.

The reason violins are nicknamed vile dins is because you have to guess where the note is. It's not marked out for you, you have to know where to place the bow. You have to be able to hear the note accurately. I just wouldn't go near one. I've got a reasonable ear and a half decent singing voice but I just don't have the skill to play the violin. Even good amateur violin players occasionally make a dreadful racket if they're just slightly off.

I really hope your son can find an instrument that suits him if he is keen to play one. Music is great for everybody.

oakleaffy · 02/12/2021 21:46

Clearly learning piano doesn't interest your son.
Maybe guitar might be better? {although that is much more demanding in terms of finger and hand pain}
Not all kids want to play an instrument, or their interests may lie elsewhere. :)

oakleaffy · 02/12/2021 21:50

@BertramLacey
''Violin=Vile Din''.. That's so funny!
Oh the misery of listening to other kids scraping away while stifling giggles in Assembly was just too bad.
~A violin played well is a beautiful sound, but too many violins themselves don't make a pleasant sound.
They's sound like mating cats, even if played by Paganini himself.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2021 21:52

Why are you blaming the teacher? Why wasn’t the first thing you did to speak to your son. He’s clearly not interested at all and not doing it. Pay what you owe and stop the lessons, the little guy can’t be arsed.

BoredZelda · 02/12/2021 21:54

But it’s only been 6 weeks

And how many weeks do you think it will take before he magically becomes interested in something he clearly isn’t enjoying?

PerkyBlinder · 02/12/2021 21:55

If he complains about sore fingers playing the piano, he will struggle with the violin as it's quite painful to start off with to hold your hands and fingers in the right position. Also it's considered the hardest instrument to learn as others have said there is no set place to press the string down to get the right note and it's all done by ear.

I as others have suggested would start with something like the recorder - it's a good start to learn to read music, is really simple and cheap and if he shows interest and commitment then he can progress to the clarinet, flute or oboe. I started on a recorder and played in the primary school orchestra on it and then went onto the clarinet and loved it.

Arren12 · 02/12/2021 22:00

@TatianaBis we are in yorkshire. Thank you

stupiduser · 02/12/2021 22:04

If you are struggling financially then expensive piano lessons seem an odd choice to me. My children have all done lots of activities over the years and the rule has always been that if we pay for it you put the effort in, if you stop making effort we stop paying. My eldest had piano lessons but was lazy, as she is with everything, and couldn't be bothered to practice so, even though she could have been quite good, we stopped the lessons. Your son clearly isn't interested

SukiPook · 02/12/2021 22:06

Hi, I'm a piano teacher.

I can see it from both your point of view, and the teacher's. From the teacher's point of view it has seemed like it is going nowhere - especially when she found out he was practising on an iPad.

You can, despite what others have said on here, start on a keyboard although that will not be as good as a digital piano - but you could start off on one, as long as it has touch sensitive keys and full size keys ( I don't mean that it has to have as many keys as a piano, just that each key is the same size as a piano key). After a year or so if still playing, he would need to move to a digital piano or acoustic piano (digital are much cheaper.) But you absolutely could get away with a decentish keyboard for now, just to see if he's interested. (Digital pianos look like keyboards but have fully weighted keys and are more piano-like than a keyboard.)

Personally I would give a student longer than 6 weeks. I've had plenty of students who chatted too much or mucked about at the start or even had no strength in their fingers and no eye to hand co-ordination, who later improved with practice and encouragement. On the other hand, some kids won't practice or won't progress very much, and it's best to face up to that whenever it's the case. Perhaps the teacher didn't know you were getting a keyboard. (You should really have had the keyboard before going to lessons, or at the very least for the 2nd lesson.) You could ask the teacher to give him another while at it once he has the real keyboard to see if he can develop an interest in it, maybe offer to go for a probationary period of another month or two? If you get him to practice every day (on the keyboard, not iPad), for say about 15 mins, his fingers will strengthen up. Also you can have a word with him about the chatting throughout the lesson etc, tell him to listen carefully and do what the teacher says.

Re the covid thing, yes it's standard practice now to not carry lessons over that are missed for any reason (although that should have been in the terms and conditions). Some people are a bit more flexible re covid -I am, for instance - but at the same time, it's the teacher's livelihood so if a student misses their slot there's nothing else they can do with that slot. Once you know what the policy is then it does encourage good attendance when possible, which helps a lot. Some teachers offer zoom lessons if you're sick, stuck at home etc.

I would say it's too soon for you to write off your son's wishes to learn piano - I'd be approaching the teacher, apologising for not having the keyboard yet but explaining that money is tight or whatever, and asking would it be possible to try for another while to see. It may turn out, as it sometimes does, that the teacher is not a good fit for your son - she just may not like teaching him (the chatting thing can be annoying) and perhaps she has a very strict policy, a 6 week probation period - some teachers do, and I can see the sense of it. To me though, you yourself should know is your child willing to practice and does he want to, so I would get the keyboard (because you'll be able to sell it on easily if you end up not using it in future), and try more lessons either with this teacher or failing that, another one. (Sometimes you do need to try another teacher to get the right fit.).

If, after a few months of consistently getting him to practice , he really is not taking to it and wants to quit, then let him. But he really needs to practice on a piano/keyboard for a while to see. Improvement can be rapid. Depends on the books used too. I'd recommend, if possible, finding a teacher that uses the Piano Adventures teaching books, rather than John Thompson or similar. A much better approach.

JessicaFletcherxx · 02/12/2021 22:08

I think you should offer to pay for one of the missed lessons, that way you both lose out by one payment.

MusicTeacherSussex · 02/12/2021 22:09

@50ShadesOfCatholic

She should have phoned you. Very poor practice to send a cold email.
Spend more time on this kid? Nah.
MusicTeacherSussex · 02/12/2021 22:12

YABU. I don't take on anyone who doesnt have at least a keyboard to practise on, and that's got to be temporary until you get an electric piano or real piano. I think you have unrealistic ideas about your son and the teacher is being honest.

Nothing rude about that text, I think you're projecting your disappointment there.

I wouldn't bother calling a parent who couldn't be bothered to source an instrument or pay for mosse lessons. You are wasting her time, sorry! She may we have someone more enthusiastic waiting.

SukiPook · 02/12/2021 22:17

Oh dear I posted without reading the update about the violin, sorry about that. (I'm a string teacher (cello) as well as a piano teacher.) As others have said, violin is MUCH harder than piano, in some ways, particularly right at the start re finger positions and so on. That said, if he persists, the note reading is in a way easier as it's only one stave. (Mind you, having a basis in piano makes learning the violin or any other instrument easier, re the note reading). But - a good teacher will take it gradually. He'll just be plucking the notes at first, learning the bow later.
Can I make one point - you need a very good musical ear to play the violin. What I mean by this is that you need to be able to sing in tune, to hear a note and then hear and sing it accurately - if you can't hear the pitch right, you won't be able to find the note on the violin. (This may not be apparent at first if the teacher uses stickers, but the teacher will have probably given your son an ear test before beginning anyway.) If the musical ear is not there then piano can still be learnt, not as easily as someone with a good ear, but it's still doable - just not a stringed instrument really.
Also can I say, aged 10 is absolutely not too old to learn an instrument, that is rubbish!
Success with any instrument needs practice. That is the key. So, just make sure he practises consistently. If he feels like skipping a day make him go do 5 minutes even. (Chances are he'll do longer once he starts). Frequency of practice is more important than length.